Sc(n)ave(l)nger Hunt

(Ke)  I just took a long, hard look at my belly button.  I won't do that again.

(Kr)  What'd ya find?

(Ke)  I found that I'm grossed out by looking at my stretched belly button.

(Kr)  You didn't find lint or change or old ham or anything?

(Ke)  Nothing.  Total rip off.

Urine Big Trouble

(Ke)  We went to breakfast and when we came home I noticed a few pee spots on the carpet near the shelf.  Upon further inspection I realized that Mom and Dad's dog had lifted his leg on the picture of us when we were little.  I guess he hates it.

(Kr)  Jerkface.  The first time I tried to type jerkface it auto-corrected to heritage.  Very apropo.

Thug Lifesaver

(Kr)  Marc thinks he may be getting the flu.

(Ke)  Oh no.  Is Christmas doomed?

(Kr)  I hope not.  I'm getting my Z Pac filled tomorrow.  This is not happening to The Kreets.  *finger snap*

(Ke)  I read this as 2 Pac.  That would be awesome to get that filled.

(Kr)  "How do ya want it?  How do you feel?".  Very fitting lyrics.

Row, Row, Row Your House

(Kr)  If my building floats away with all this rain, will our renter's insurance cover that?

(Ke)  Nope.  You have to get apartment floating away insurance.

(Kr)  I won't be mad if we float to Hawaii.

(Ke)  Mai Tais for Christmas.

(Kr)  My Tais, your tais, everyone's tais.  But if we land in Florida I'ma be mad.

(Ke)  That would be a long float.

(Kr)  Drive down to Texas.  We'll pick you up on our way.  That might be bad geography, but in a world where apartment buildings float, nobody will call me out on it.

(Ke)  You pulled out a map, didn't you?

(Kr)  I did not, but your accusing me of pulling out a map make me think I'm right.

(Ke)  Don't ask me.  I suck at geography and figured you did, too.

A (S)mug Of Hot Cocoa or Jealousy Is A Drink Best Served Hot And Chocolatey

(Ke)  This is not an ad for Trader Joe's but I'm just trying to show you how simple it is to make hot chocolate at home.

(Ke)  Voila!  Christmas mug sold separately.

(Kr) It's also simple to say "medium hot chocolate, please". 

(Ke)  Don't you mean grande?  All I'm saying is you're there dreaming about it and I'm here living it. 

(Kr)  A small part of me is jealous.  But the bigger part remembers I have dark chocolate peanut butter cups in my fridge. 

(Ke)  A small part?  Ok, I'm gonna be real honest and tell you that I didn't get it mixed well enough and the bottom was sludgy, rendering the last 1/16 undrinkable.  But up until that point I was quite satisfied with my tasty homemade treat. 

(Kr)  I feel vindicated. 

(Ke)  That was operator error and a rookie mistake but that doesn't take away from the deliciousness of it as a whole.  

Merlotivated

(Kr)  It's ok to go to the gym with red wine stains on your lips from the night before, right?

(Ke)  Everyone will be really impressed with your ambition but disgusted with your obvious lack of hygiene.

(Kr)  I only care about the impressed part.  As long as something is half impressive I'm cool with that.

(Ke)  Consider yourself a success...kind of.

Picture Imperfect

(Ke)  Monday:  court.  Tuesday:  social security office.  Today:  DMV.  Please don't envy me.  There is a woman sitting next to me who is talking to the guy across from her.  It seems like they are divorced and she just keeps talking at him.  He could not be more disinterested, which makes two of us, but it doesn't remotely bother her.  She will talk to him about anything:  making grilled cheese, the fact that she drinks tea now instead of coffee.  She's talking to him like he's her best friend and he just shakes his head.  I wish I could take a video.  This dynamic is something to behold.  He could tell  her to fuck off and she would just tell him what movie she watched last night.  Nothing upsets or offends her.  Now the kid on the other side of me is singing Yiddish songs at an inappropriate volume.

(Kr)  What?!  I do envy you.  On a different note, Vanessa Hudgens is pretty, but all I can think about is diapers when I see her.  Hudgens reminds me of Huggies which leads me to diapers.  Vanessa Diapers.

(Ke)  On a related note, Zac Efron is single.

(Kr)  On a semi-related note, I'm hungry.  Zac Efron is yummy and I like yummy things, which reminded me I'm hungry.  Bam!  Semi-related.   On another semi-related note, I dislike using the word yummy to describe people.  I'm ashamed.  I wish I could eat my shame.  I'd be super duper full.

(Ke)  Well, I'll let it slide although I'm pretty ashamed, too.  Back to the original topic, I am not excited that I had to get a new picture for my driver license.

(Kr)  Because you're fat...I mean, pregnant?  Wink, wink Martindale.

(Ke)  Did not do my hair.  No makeup.  Not cool.

(Kr)  You've had many years of unreasonably pretty ID pictures.  Time to join the rest of us.  Pull it together, Kirby.

(Ke)  Oh, well.  It'll expire in 39 years.

(Kr)  39 years?

(Ke)  Sorry, 29.

(Kr)  Oh, tooooooootally different.  You won't even be able to drive then.  Or see.  Or walk.  Or eat on your own.  I just depressed myself when I remembered we were twins.

(Ke)  The age joke backfire.

(Kr)  We'll still be rockin' that clutch, or something cool like that that only cool people would say.

(Ke)  I don't get the new picture requirement.  I'm not a different person than I was a year ago.  "I'm sorry, this picture doesn't accurately represent you since you changed your name."

(Kr)  That is obnoxious.  Did you arm wrestle the DMV clerk?  That usually works.

Delicious Emergency

(Kr)  We are in the Krispy Kreme drive-thru getting a sampling of doughnuts.  Right after we got Frosties. ReerrrEeeeeeeeeeWwwwwUnneededsssseessssssrsszdtttttttttssswwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweerrwswwwwwwrererrrrrrrrrrreeeewws.

(Ke)  I'm disappointed not to see Baskin Robbins on that list.  I'm assuming that was a pocket text or you just had some kind of sugar seizure.

(Kr)  It was 3rd runner up.  Call 911.  And tell them how delicious this Frosty is.

(Ke)  While I have them on the line I'll let them know I just put Afrin in my eye.

(Kr)  Oy!  Well, tell them my Frosty thing first.

(Ke)  I did.  Apparently they're stuck at the drive-thru because they're not here yet.

Full Court (Im)Press(ed)

(Ke)  I'm going to court today to get me first name legally changed.

(Kr)  Me name?  Are you a leprechaun?

(Ke)  I'm changing it to Shamus O'Donnell McIrish so I'll let you be the judge.  That's just the first name.  The Rae Lanphear will remain intact.

(Kr)  No Cassidy?

(Ke)  That comes next.  Haven't you ever heard the saying "First names first and last names last"?  It applies here.

(Kr)  If you're going to legally change the spelling of your first name why not change it altogether to Facesmasher Rae Lanphear or The Awesomeness Rae Lanphear?  This is your chance and you're, quite frankly, blowing it.

(Ke)  Where were you when I filed the petition 2 months ago?

(Kr)  Where I always am:  just hangin' out and bein' cool.

(Ke)  With suggestions like that I have no choice but to believe it.

(Kr)  Look, I'm just doin' what I do man.  Ya dig?

(Ke)  You went too far.  You know it.  I know it.  I'm trying to figure out what to wear.  What will say "do not even think about denying me my name change or I will cry in the middle of this courtroom" to the judge?

(Kr)  Pajamas with a top hat.  It says you're laid back with an air of sophistication.  You want him/her to take you seriously, right, Facesmasher?

(Ke)  I'm glad I asked.  I had on a pencil skirt with a sports bra.

(Kr)  Crisis averted.  You would have looked like a fool.  A real fool.

(Ke)  That outfit is more for a DUI hearing.  What was I thinking?

At the courthouse.....
(Ke)   I was so excited when there were only 4 of us here then all the laties walked in.  I might be here long enough for a costume change.

(Kr)  Dang!  You should have brought the sports bra.  Sporty and sophistication might have gotten you to the top of the list.

(Ke)  Maybe they'll take mercy on the pregnant lady and let me go first.

(Kr)  The court takes mercy on nobody!  I take nap now.

(Ke)  I might, too.  No one will notice.  The good news is I now know way too much about the people sitting next to and in front of me.

(Kr)  That's good news?

An hour later....
(Ke)  And we done.

(Kr)  Cool.  What'd you go with?

(Ke)  Kirby Rae Lanphear, after the Honorable Kirby Kongable.  He's my new hero.  He gets shit done in the courtroom.

(Kr)  Good to know ya, Kirbster.  I'm assuming that's the nickname we're going with?

(Ke)  I haven't thought too much about it but I think you nailed it.  Spread it around.

(Kr)  You haven't thought about it much?  You pick an awesome name like Kirby and you don't even consider the nicknames?  You're not worthy of the name.  How dare you?

(Ke)  The only ones that initially came to mind were Kick It To The Kirb, Kirbirator, Kirb Side Pick-up, and Kirbmeister.  Kirb Appeal is also in the running.  Other than that nicknames really didn't cross my mind.

(Kr)  Amateur.  I'm taking you back to that court and demanding you change your name back.

(Ke)  What is done can not be undone...unless you want to shell out $300.  Then it's no problem.

(Kr)  You're out of order.  This whole name change is out of order.  This whole court's out of order!

(Ke)  You're a chip off the ol' Kongable block.  That gavel I got you for Christmas is actually going to come in handy.

Joe Cassidy: Local Man of Non-Mystery

(Ke)  Joe is seriously quoting Austin Powers.  I am going to beat him.

(Kr)  On the head.  Beat him on the head.

(Ke)   He keeps saying he's "dead sexy" and for me to "get in his belly".  I told him to stop and he said, "Stop being evil?"

(Kr)  It's not too late to leave him.  It really isn't.

(Ke)  I could never.  He's far too entertaining.

Standing Boob Only

(Ke)  We're halfway through a breast feeding class.  Do you want the baby for the first 18 months?

(Kr)  Sure.  He will live on a steady diet of red wine, Pizza Hut, and love.

(Ke)  Nothing like holding a doll to your boob in front of 20 strangers.

(Kr)  You're right.  There is nothing like that.

(Ke)  You don't know!  You weren't there!

(Kr)  I was.  Third row back.  I knew that mustache and cowboy hat would render me unrecognizable.

(Ke)  You asked some really good questions.

(Kr)  I'm interested.

Instant Breadbowl, Just Add Soup

(Ke)  My armpits smell like sourdough.

(Kr)  Thank you for getting me off sourdough bread.  Forever.

Simply Dead

(Kr)  Every time I'm on hold with Walgreen's, "Holding Back the Years" comes on during the hold music. Every.  Time.

(Ke)  What's the message there?

(Kr)  That I'm getting old.  And I call Walgreen's way too much to ask about my prescriptions.

(Ke)  I didn't want to say it, but that would be my guess.  Maybe switch your prescriptions to Rite Aid.  They might have some better tunes that don't remind you that you're dying a little every day.

Oh, Solo Mealo

(Kr)  Two things:  1)  I'm going to a movie and the guy at the concession started my order while I was second in line.  I felt flirted with.  He was 18 at best and I don't care.  I felt pretty.  2)  If you go to the movie alone, use the bathroom first.  A chicken sausage on a public bathroom counter is just wrong.

(Ke)  What are you, new?  I learned that years ago after trying to hold popcorn and Milk Duds while peeing.  The real problem arises when the peeing ceases.  There's no way to avoid feeling disgusting.  And you are pretty.  Pretty much twice that kid's age.

Mind Over The Matter Of Doing Anything

(Ke)  I'm attempting the yoga DVD I bought, but just the thought of it makes me tired.  Thinking literally exhausts me.

(Kr)  Just do what I do:  don't think.  Act on instinct/premonitions/what the voices in your head tell you.

(Ke)  All three say sleep.

Cavalcade of Cavities

(Ke)  Joe brought this home for me.  Note the fork.  I already finished half the coffee cake before you got this.

(Kr)  Damn!  Mommy has a sweet tooth.  A whole mouth full o' sweet teeth.

(Ke)  And he just told me he's bringing home brownies.

(Kr)  Why is he shoving desserts down your face?

(Ke)  I guess I'm not heavy enough for him.  He forgets I have over a month left.  Let me get there.

My Milk Brings All The Babies To The Boob

(Ke)  I know this may be a lot to hear but some milk came out last night.  Joe got very excited.

(Kr)  It's only a little vomity.  But congratulations.

(Ke)  I'll be feeding babies in no time.

(Kr)  Just random babies?

(Ke)  Well, baby.  I'm not going to run around sticking my bazonga in other childrens' mouths.

(Kr)  Bazonga.  Poetry.  Def Jam Poetry, but poetry nonetheless.

Bisquit It

(Ke)  I hate the Bisquick commercial.  That woman's voice!

(Kr)  I'm out of the Bisquick loop.  I have no idea what you're talking about.

(Ke)  Be thankful.  She's nearly ruined pancakes for me.  And that's saying a lot.

(Kr)  She must sound like Truman Capote.  Or Phillip Seymour Hoffman playing Truman Capote.

(Ke)  You don't understand.  I'm not playing here.  I'm talking about pancakes.

Intense Thera(poo)py

(Ke)  I  went into the bathroom stall at work and there was one piece of poop.  Good sized.  No toilet paper whatsoever.  Somebody has either mastered the art of a real clean poop or they be real dirty and itchy.

(Kr)  Sounds like you might need some counseling.  That's a lot to witness.

(Ke)  I was an innocent bystander.

A Hug For A Pan

(Kr)  Mom and Dad are in Denver, which makes sense why they never called me back from their home phone when I called on Thanksgiving. . .  Are you there? . . . I doth not like being ignored!

(Ke)  They called me.  They said they were thankful for me and Kory, but I don't remember them mentioning you.

(Kr)  They just plain ol' forgot me.  But, we just got new pans, so I guess that makes up for it.

(Ke)  You always substitute love with cookware.

Ushering In The Lameness

(Kr)  I'm sure it has been an accurate description at some point in time, but I cannot get behind the phrase "Spooktacular".  Sorry, every haunted house ever made.

(Ke)  That word has destroyed Halloween the same way "hoppy" used as an adjective has ruined Easter.  It's a little bit off subject, but if I hear "staycation" one more time, I will have to hurt someone.

(Kr)  And even further off the subject, grown men shouldn't be allowed to say or write "OMG".  True or false?

(Ke)  Not according to Usher.

(Kr)  Usher:  Ruining things for tens of years.

(Ke)  I don't understand why he doesn't say God, but is ok with saying boobies.

(Kr)   Because he's talking about non-religious, man-made boobies.  What are ya, new?

(Ke)  When the "g" stands for "gosh", it's even less manly.  And the Nikon commercials with Ashton Kutcher only solidify my belief that he is an annoying douche.

(Kr)  Totally solidified.  He is the ice of douchery.

Pimp Limp

(Ke)  LEG CRAMP!!  Ok, it was 3 hours ago but the pain still lingers.  And by lingers I mean my leg fucking hurts.

(Kr)  I've had a lingering headache.  I'll gladly trade you.

(Ke)  You say that but you should know that my right leg is now 3 inches shorter than my left.  It does give me a cool limp.

(Kr)  I'd give just about anything for a cool limp.  Much respect.

(Ke)  That can be arranged. 

Graveyard Of Deflated Holiday Dreams

(Ke)  The following contains violent images not recommended for children.

(Kr)  I'm ready.

(Ke)  Bagged and tagged right in front of the Baby Jesus.  Mary and Joseph were helpless.

(Kr)  You need to get out of that neighborhood.  They are murdering Christmas.  A moment of silence for Frosty.........ok, that was a long enough moment.

(Ke)  Santa and Rudolph in one yard.

(Kr)  Serial killer.  How long until they profile this on Dateline?  As you know, I will record it.

(Ke)  That's not even the worst of it.

(Kr)  No!!!!  Don't show me.  Worse than Santa?  Santa, for god's sake?!

(Ke)  A second Mickey

(Kr)  Double Mickey?!  Did they actually go to Disneyland?  Monster!  Monster, I say!

(Ke)  What is Christmas trying to tell us?

(Kr)  From the way he fell, it looks like a 9 millimeter at close range.

(Ke)  You do watch too much Dateline...or just enough.

(Kr)  Look, I know an execution when I see it.  Mickey had some powerful enemies.  Mark my words.

(Ke)  Do you think Bugs Bunny is in on it?

(Kr)  You read my mind.  You just became deputy sheriff/jr. homicide detective/assistant district attorney/cartoon profiler.

(Ke)  My lifelong/just this second dream.

(Kr)  Don't sass me, boy!  I'll have you behind a desk faster than you can say "Ththththththththat's all folks!"

(Ke)  I'd kind of rather sit all day, anyway.

(Kr)  You wanna be pushin' papers or out in the field?!  Which is it?  Your instincts were off, anyway.  You don't have the nose or stomach for it.  Hmmmmm.. . .you do have that cool limp, though.  Conundrum.

(Ke)  A 7-month pregnant limping cop won't be very useful but, yes, I would bring the cool factor.

(Kr)  That's what we need for our show:  Dateline:  Cool Factor.

(Ke)  I'm in.  You do understand that I can't see my feet when I stand up thought, right?

(Kr)  You don't need to see 'em.  You just need to limp on 'em.  Can you do that, soldier?!

(Ke)  Better than anyone.

P Mail

(Ke)  I don't even look at my email anymore.  I know it's from Pizza Hut or Domino's.  I ordered online once! Jesus, leave me alone!

(Kr)  Those emails inspire me.

(Ke)  To never eat pizza again?

(Kr)  To constantly order pizza.

(Ke)  I'll forward them your info.

(Kr)  Oh, they have it.  But I guess it wouldn't hurt.  Better safe than sorry.

(Ke)  I'll give them your number, too.  Just in case.

1-8-7 On A Mother F*in' Mickey

(Ke)  We have a Mickey Santa down and it's not even December.  I hate to see this.

(Kr)  A Disney murder?  What is this world coming to?

(Ke)  We live in a rough 'hood.  No holiday character is safe.

I Scream

(Kr)  We went to Baskin Robbins and they had ice cream cakes shaped like turkeys.  Instead of frosting, it  looked like they covered it in actual turkey skin.  The image will haunt me forever.  It was, indeed, a Black Friday.

(Ke)  I'm sure you were able to pull yourself together long enough to eat some ice cream though, right?

'Til Digestion Do Us Part

(Kr)  Our dinner was awful . . ly amazing!  I just proposed to my risotto.

(Ke)  What did it say?  That must have been awkward for Marc.

(Kr)  No.  He understood.  He's going to be the best man.

(Ke)  He's such a great guy.  You'll all share the apartment?

(Kr)  Marc is going to be in the spare room.

(Ke)  It's a lovely space.

Oprah-ation: DVR

(Ke)  If nothing else, at least Prince Michael inherited his father's creepy facial hair.

(Kr)  Noooooooo.

(Ke)  If you watched Oprah you would know these things.  I can't be held responsible for keeping you up to date on Michael Jackson's kids.  Set.  Your.  DVR.

(Kr)  One of our DVRs isn't recording.  How can I be expected to record daily programs with one DVR?  My Datelines won't fit.

(Ke)  If they're older than 2 years, it's time to get rid of them.

(Kr)  Don't tell me how to save my Datelines!  It's all I know.

(Ke)  You are also pretty familiar with how to save 48 Hour Mystery.

(Kr)  Oh, I watch those immediately.  I'm not a novice.

Saint Emilio's Fire

(Kr)  We can agree that Charlie Sheen is super gross, right?

(Ke)  I'd be willing to add a duper to that.  I feel obligated.

(Kr)  He needs his brain washed out with soap.  And his soul.

(Ke)  I never thought I'd say this,  but I miss Emilio.

The Thousand Dollar Question

(Kr)  I have to ask you a very serious question.  A lot is riding on your answer.

(Ke)  Yes, I just peed my pants.  What else could you possibly want to know?

(Kr)  I already knew that.  You may want to sit down.  This is life altering.

(Ke)  I'm on the toilet in case it gets really bad or funny or makes me sneeze.

(Kr)  Do you think there is any chance .  . even the smallest itty bitty chance . . . that we could go to the NKOTBSB concert when they tour in 2011?

(Ke)  You already know the answer to that.  I'll get a baby sitter . . . for the baby and Joe.

(Kr)  I think we should go to Vegas and go.

(Ke)  When?

(Kr)  Ok, I don't see a Vegas date, but they're playing Staples in June.  Friday, July 1st.  Tickets range in price from $77.00-$3,772.00, so that makes sense.  Just bought tickets.  You owe me $3,000.00.

(Ke)  No problem.

(Kr)  I'll take the money in nickels and $2 bills.

(Ke)  You know I pay all my debts in Susan B Anthony dollars.

(Kr)  It's looking like it's going to be more like $7,999.00 after taxes and Ticketmaster fees.

(Ke)  Pocket change.  For someone.  Not for me.

I've Had The Time Of My Life Again

(Ke)  I have a dilemma.

(Kr)  Yes?

(Ke)  Should I watch Dirty Dancing for the third time in a month?

(Kr)  I'm ashamed of you.  Yes!  Hell yes!  And I'll just keep It's Complicated on a loop in your honor.

(Ke)  I knew I could count on you.

BDSP3L1NG

(Ke)  I feel very strongly that if you don't have access to the appropriate letters you shouldn't get personalized license plates.  Sokrmom?  Gruuvy?  Stop it!

(Kr)  Finally, a passion we both share.

Philosoph. . hiccup. . al

(Kr)  Marc and I were just discussing what a Nietzsche niche would be.  That's what too many margaritas will do.

(Ke)  Too margie manaritas.

Two Boy Bands Are Better Than One

(Kr)  Now shhhhhhh.  You're distracting me from my NKOTB/BSB mash up.

(Ke)  Ooooooohhhh.  I wants.

(Kr)  Yep.  The Jordan Knight crush is back on.  Damn!

(Ke)  Did it really ever fade?

(Kr)  The whole thing reeks of desperation yet I'm enthralled.  Except their combining their name to NKOTBSB.  And including it in a song.  Not on board.  Were they off key at times?  Yes.  Do I forgive them?  Mostly.

(Ke)  Where are you seeing this and why am I so jealous?

(Kr)  Because I'm awesome and you're bored.

(Ke)  Bored old housewife.  That's me.  Well, in three weeks when this work nonsense is finished.

(Kr)  Look it up on the internet.  It's bound to already be up there.  I've watch it twice already.

(Ke)  www.nkotbsb.reunion....again.us.gov.com

(Kr)  Oh, I see.  You're jealous so you're mocking me with fake websites.  Step 1:  Not talk to you anymore.  Step 2:.....that's all I got

(Ke)  The website's real.  It's just not live yet.  Give me a minute.  Jeesh.

(Kr)  Donnie Wahlberg isn't even remotely ashamed.  Not in the least.

(Ke)  What about the cousin who's name nobody knows or cares about?

(Kr)  You mean Johnathan?  He's the brother.  And he looks a little ashamed.

(Ke)  I'm pretty sure he's the cousin.  I really hope I'm wrong.  I hate Johnathan with a "John", even though it makes total sense.

(Kr)  You hate Johnathan with a "John"?

(Ke)  It should be Jonathan.  You thought I wrote the wrong word, didn't you?  The other "h" has no business in there.

(Kr)  I did.  To be honest you should have just said with two "H"s.  You made it awkward.  Come on NSYNC.  Get on board.

(Ke)  And what does 98 Degrees have to say about all this?

(Kr)  Nobody consulted 98 Degrees or even remembers they existed.

(Ke)  I am racking my brain and literally can't think of one 98 Degrees song.  Did they exist?

(Kr)  I can see the video.  They're on a bridge.  Or near a bridge.  Or singing about a bridge.

(Ke)  Did they jump off the bridge?  Now all I can think about is Ellen K saying "Dees Grees" when giving the weather on the Rick Dees show.

(Kr)  UGH.  You jerk.  Now that's in my head.  I hope they next person you come in contact with is a JoHnathan.  And he keeps signing things just to annoy you.

(Ke)  I wouldn't let that happen.  Ever.  I can sniff them out.   I guess I have acid reflux now.  Yay!

(Kr)  You're a mess.  I'm going to watching NKOTBSB on loop until I fade away into a slumber filled with sweet, sweet Jordan Knight Dreams. 

(Ke)  And the dogs and Joe are creating a symphony or snores.  These are the makings of a sleepless night.

(Kr)  Time to get your own place. 

(Ke)  My phone's going to die.  I'm pretty sure this conversation will kill it.  I just found a tiny suicide note.

(Kr)  Did it text it to you?

(Ke)  Don't steal my impending joke.  That shit pisses me off.

(Kr)  Did it die?

(Ke)  I saved it.  I'm kind of a hero.

(Kr)  Well, put your cape on and go to bed.  Oh, you said hero.  Not superhero.  I don't know what plain heroes wear.

(Ke)  The only pair of jeans that still fit.  Every day.

(Kr)  Seven months pregnant and you can still fit into jeans and you're complaining.  Life is so rough, skinny pregnant lady.

(Ke)  Am I an asshole?

(Kr)  No.  Just very ungrateful for not being a fat, sloppy, pregnant woman.  Asshole is strong.  Selfish jerk is more appropriate.  I don't fit into jeans from last year and guess what?  No baby.

(Ke)  Move over Johnathan. Make room for me on the ashamed bus.

(Kr)  You're the driver.

(Ke)  Ok.  I get it.  Jeesh.

(Kr)  I go night night now.

(Ke)  Me, too, if the guilt doesn't keep me awake.  Nah, I'm good.

(Kr)  You should stay up all night and think about your actions.

(Ke)  Love you, Kreets.

(Kr)  Love you, selfish jean wearing pregnant lady.

Smile High Club

(Kr)  I'm setting a record for number of medications prescribed within a two month span. 

(Ke)  What's your count? 

(Kr)  Since September:  13 if you count the ones I've been prescribed twice.  

(Ke)  Which I don't.  

Delicious And Nutritioush

(Kr)  I just ate the rest of the cranberry bread.

(Ke)  It was still good?  I bought some last week and I've been working on it.  I also made crumb cake from Trader Joe's.  That shit was gooood.

(Kr)  It was.  So many preservatives.  It almost got better.  You know when you buy macaroni salad and then you forget you bought it, and you open the fridge the next day and there it is, ready to be enjoyed?  Like a surprise party without all the yelling.  I just experienced that.  And it was the best.  I won't soon forget it.  The experience, that is.  I'm sure I'll soon forget the macaroni salad as soon as I put it back, only to be surprised again!

(Ke)  Great, now all I can think about is macaroni salad, but I'm ok with that.

(Kr)  Enjoy the fantasy.

(Ke)  There will be a stop at the grocery store on the way home.  Lunch will be macaroni salad, crumb cake and cranberry bread.

(Kr)  Don't you think that's a big ridiculous?  Without the pumpkin cream cheese?

(Ke)  I was just going to say there will be peanut M&Ms, too.  But you knew that.

The United States Postal Stork

(Kr)  Ok, so what gives?  I had my epidural and they didn't deliver a baby to me.  Is it 5-7 business days for the shipping?  I thought it was buy one epidural, get one baby delivered free.  Or do I have to complete my package of 3?

(Ke)  That offer not valid in zip codes 90000-99999.

Me Have Ouchie In Back Shot Make It Go Bye Bye Thank You Dr Friend

(Kr)  Oh, and stoned.  Real stoned.

(Ke)  Is this text missing a sentence or two?

(Kr)  Just got out of my epidural.  Feelin' a-ok.  The texts sent in the wrong order.

(Ke)  Sure they did.

(Kr)  I sleepy.

(Ke)  Does your back feel better or did you just get the epidural for the hiiiiiiiigh?

Choco-hoglet

(Ke)  There were only two pieces of candy, Milky Way minis, in the dish at my chiropractor's office.  I took both.  Unapologetically.  Shamelessly.  I had to have them.

(Kr)  It's a woman's right to choose . . . to be a pig.

Credit? Score!

(Kr)  Yes, she's sitting in my purse.

(Ke)  Keep an eye on your Macy's card.  You know that diva like to get her shop on.

(Kr)  That card be cut up.  I learned my lesson.  Leather gloves?  Come on, LaLa!

(Ke)  You didn't think you were setting her up to shop at The 99 Cent Store with a name like LaLa, did you?

(Kr)  She does like her designers.  That's fo' sho'.

(Ke)  This story is totally unbelievable.  You would never cut up your Macy's card.

(Kr)  Truth be told, I didn't cut it up.  It exploded.

Your Daly Dose

(Kr)  Carson Daly just said the dumbest thing.

(Ke)  Oh, do tell.  I'm interested in anything Carson Daly.

(Kr)  On the radio.  We aren't having drinks and apps.

(Ke)  Please don't say apps.  It really bothers me.  Take the time to use all four syllables.

(Kr)  Why else would I say apps, if not to bother you?  And if I'm with Carson Daly, they're apps.

(Ke)  No, I know why you're doing it.

(Kr)  He said "and finally, but certainly not last".  He needs a little talking-to about how that saying goes.

(Ke)  I don't want to have to talk to him.  Do I have to?

(Kr)  Let's get Joe to do it.

(Ke)  He'd be happy to.  Huge Carson Daly fan.  Huge.

(Kr)  Is it because he was conceived during TRL?  Pssst . . . that was a joke about him being so young.

(Ke)  He's old at heart.

Anesthetically Speaking

(Kr)  I'm going to text you immediately after my epidural on Thursday.  That anesthetic should make for some entertaining your-back-to-my-forth.

(Ke)  I love drugged up Kreets.  Soooooo much better than regular Kreets.

Food Pyramid Scheme

(Kr)  I literally shouldn't be allowed to have ice cream on the premises.  It becomes a major food group.

(Ke)  A balanced diet is overrated.

Just Kid(nap)ping Around

(Ke)  Hey.

(Kr)  Hey back.

(Ke)  Did you know that I'm going to be the Mommy and you're going to be the Auntie?

(Kr)  Yeppers.  Well, before the kidnapping.

(Ke)  The titles will be the same, but we'll never talk to you again because, you know, you'll be rotting away in jail.

(Kr)  Not if you don't find me.

(Ke)  This will put a bit of a strain on our relationship.  You should know that straight out of the gate.

(Kr)  Don't care.  I'll have your . . . ummmm . . . my baby.

Target Acquired

(Kr)  We are definitely not at Target.  Again.

(Ke)  What are you not getting?

(Kr)  What are we not getting?  Two words.  Fluffy.  Pillows.

(Ke)  That's ok.  I already did more damage to my neck than I thought humanly possible last night.  You can't hurt me.

(Kr)  Didn't even realize you wrote "not getting".  I pre-joked your joke.

(Ke)  You mean . . . you actually . . . oh boy!

(Kr)  Decorative.  Should have been three words.  But I do have a new pillow for you to sleep on.  With just a liiiittle bit of Hammer melty bone puke on it.

CSI Burbank

(Ke)  Did you go to dinner?

(Kr)  Yep.  Mexican.  Drunk.  By accident

(Ke)  I'm watching The Blair Witch Project.  Good idea?

(Kr)  It has the word project in it, right?

(Ke)  Project No Sleep

(Kr)  Hammer threw up on Marc's pillow.  It's his way of telling him to never sleep again.

(Ke)  Did he accidentally get drunk, too?

(Kr)  Drunk on compressed tendon bones.  It looked like melted bones.  Something out of CSI Miami, but way less lame.  And sun-glassy.

(Ke)  Yum?

(Kr)  And Marc is allergic to the spray we used to clean it.  Ay yi yi! What a mess.

(Ke)  I'll be right there with him.  My nose is so plugged.  Oh boy, meanwhile Joe is snoring like a baby.

Almost As Lame As Cool Beans

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Paying bills.  I hate it.

(Ke)  It's pretty early for that, isn't it?

(Kr)  Oh, it's never too early to spend money.

(Ke)  Yeah, on fun stuff, but paying bills is an afternoon activity.

(Kr)  I'm using today for all non-fun stuff.  It is hump day, after all.

(Ke)  Oh, boy.  You're one of those?

(Kr)  I've become one of those.  Love it or leave it.  It's the new me.

(Ke)  If I hear one TGIF, complaint about Mondays, or reference to Sunday as "Funday", we will have problems.

(Kr)  It's not that out of control.  Yet.

(Ke)  That sounds vaguely like a threat.

Rosé (Wine) Colored Glasses

(Ke)  Joe's taken to drinking the rosé.  Hard.

(Kr)  Uh oh.

(Ke)  He's polished off more than half a bottle in two days.  I'm concerned for many reasons.

(Kr)  Novice.  He's drinking like a sober man, rosé or not.

(Ke)  It's only a two-day-old habit.  Give him time.

Miss Managing Time

(Ke)  What are you doing, anyways?

(Kr)  Oh, just making a grocery list.  Enjoying my bonus time.

(Ke)  Bonus time is for fun.  You're blowing it.

(Kr)  I need a bonus time manager.

(Ke)  I'm for hire.

How (Pil)low Can Ya Go?

(Kr)  We went to Target.  Again.

(Ke)  Get anything good?

(Kr)  Pillows.  Glasses.  Toilet paper.  Shower head.  Grown-up stuff.

(Ke)  Booooooriiiiiing.  Except the pillows.  I'll need one when I visit.

(Kr)  These are decorative pillows.  Keep your grubby head off.

(Ke)  That's ok.  I'll just prop up my head on my hair somehow.  My neck is of no concern to you.  As long as your couch looks inviting.

(Kr)  Now you're getting it.

UFO: Unidentified Fridge Occupant

(Ke)  I'm cleaning out my fridge and found two containers holding seemingly identical white goop.  What the hell am I eating?

(Kr)  Taste it!  Taste it!  Please taste it.

(Ke)  Tasting it is not an option.

Crushed Ice

(Kr)  I accidentally got a crush on Vanilla Ice.

(Ke)  It happens.  Now back off.

(Kr)  Let's let him choose.

(Ke)  Ok. Let me roll over and ask him.  Oh, wow.  That was unexpected.  I guess he's all yours.

Prequel Unnecessary

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Watching Iron Man 2.

(Ke)  Is it any good?

(Kr)  It's as good as it can be without me seeing Iron Man.

(Ke)  But Robert Downey Jr. is in it.  Just focus on that.

(Kr)  I'm pretty focused . . . on tight Iron Man buns.

Living In The Lap Pool Of Luxury

(Kr)  Where are you?  Having a life?

(Ke)  Sorry, the dry wall guys were here.

(Kr)  They ruin everything.  Except walls.

(Ke)  Let's hope so.  The pool talk is back on.

(Kr)  I'm on Team Pool.  And Team Edward, for that matter.

(Ke)  They go hand in hand.  Are you Team Fiberglass or Concrete?

(Kr)  Hmmmm....dunno.  Whichever is cool and hip.  That's all I like.

(Ke)  You're clearly the authority.

Pledging Alpha Keepa Trasha

(Ke)  Joe is cleaning out the office and keeps wanting to display everything he finds in boxes.  Right now he's moping around because I didn't want to put Pepsi and 7up bottles full of seashells and sand from Mexico in the living room.  I've never seen him so down.  I had to remind him we don't live in a frat house.

(Kr)  I feel bad for him.  Can't you see how much those shells mean to him; boxed away for years, forgotten about?  But simultaneously Joe always had a passion for displaying them.  He just didn't know it until right now.   You're smashing his dream he didn't know he had.

(Ke)  That is exactly what I told him.  Needless to say, the sand is now in our backyard and the bottles in the recycling . . . with his heart.  Now he's singing John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.  That's a sign of full recovery.

(Kr)  It could be a trick.  He's crafty.

(Ke)  Now he's looking through a box containing booklets and CDs telling him how to make millions in real estate.  The plastic is still on everything.  Didn't even crack it.

(Kr)  Guess you won't be rich.  Unless . . .

(Ke)  It's already packed back up and in the closet.

Compulsive Obsesserizing

(Ke)  Where'd you go?

(Kr)  Sorry.  In the middle of a project.  I'll tell you what it is if you don't judge me.

(Ke)  I only judge the use of the word "project".

(Kr)  It is, indeed, a project.  More in  a minute.

Minutes later . . .


(Kr)  I'm color coordinating my scarves.  And they look faaaaaabulooooous.

(Ke)  Ssssshhh . . . my scarves would get very jealous if they knew that.  They might try to tie me up and strangle me in the middle of the night.

(Kr)  I'm not a proponent of segregation, but this looks reeeeal good.

(Ke)  What kind of message are you sending your socks?  Or your underwear for that matter?

(Kr)  Look, my scarves were a jumbled mess.  They had anxiety.  I couldn't stand by and watch that.  Now I'm off to happy hour to get buzzed so I can organize the rest of my closet.

(Ke)  Let's see this work of art.

(Kr)  When I get back home.

(Ke)  Where are you going?  Are you taking one of the little guys?

(Kr)  Across the street.  I forgot a scarf here last time, so I had a buddy waiting.  Gotta pay attention to Marc now or he'll beat me.

(Ke)  I don't get the pattern.  It's very confusing.

(Kr) I can't take a picture from the front.  My closet doors won't cooperate.

(Ke)  I guess you went ahead and ripped the doors off.  It was worth it.

Ghost With The Most Manners

(Kr)  Our toilet keeps flushing itself.  If we have a ghost, I gotta say, kind of a lame haunting technique.

(Ke)  Maybe it's using the toilet.  That sounds courteous.

(Kr)  Is it pitching in for toilet paper?  The water bill?

(Ke)  Now you sound ridiculous.

Dairycising

(Ke)  I stopped by Circle K on my walk and picked up two 1-quart bottles of milk.  I thought why not, and did some curls on my way home.  I actually used groceries as dumbbells.  How Sit and be Fit am I?

(Kr)  I'm at a loss.

You Can't Make-Up This Stuff

(Kr)  I highly recommend Cover Girl Smokey Shadow Blast in copper.  It gives you a quick beauty every girl desires.  I think they should start an off-shoot of Cover Girl and call it Cover Lady.  And they should just sell brown mascara, pancake make-up, and lip moisturizer.  Not gloss.  Just moisturizer.

(Ke)  My lips would love it.  And Maybelline should be Absolutelline.  I don't want any hints of iffy-ness in my make-up.

(Kr)  Their slogan is insulting.  "Maybe she's born with it"?  Born with shimmer eyeshadow?  Sounds like a birth defect.  Maybe she's born with it, and maybe she should seek medical attention immediately.

(Ke)  Why doesn't she just say?  She knows.  Just be honest.

(Kr)  We should start a foundation for these poor girls who are "born with it".  Haven't they suffered enough?  Let's stop the taunting, Maybelline!  It's just cruel!

(Ke)   I think there is a foundation.  It's called modeling.

(Kr)  You took my joke, you bitch.  I hope your baby is "born with it".  It'll serve you right to have a gorgeous baby with shimmery eyes.

Swift Judgment

(Kr)  I had a dream the other night that I was working at the MTV Video Music Awards.  And I was backstage with Taylor Swift when she had to start singing.  She forgot the words and handed me the mic to cover.  I didn't know the words.  She got really mad at me and threw a fit.  And that's the story of how I came to dislike Taylor Swift for absolutely no reason.

(Ke)  You don't have any other reason not to like Taylor Swift?  Come on.  Think.

Autobiopicography

(Kr)  Toward the top of my hike, I was faced with a dilemma:  reach the water tower or not pee my pants.

(Ke)  Just pee behind the water tower.

(Kr)  You'll have to read my memoirs to find out what happened.

(Ke)  I don't read.  Will it be a movie?

(Kr)  It may be, but a Lifetime movie.

(Ke)  Is there any other kind?

(Kr)  Not that I'm aware of.  And not that I care about.  I'm hoping Heather Locklear will play me.  If she keeps hacking at her face, that is.

(Ke)  Ah, yes, the Lock-ness Monster.

(Kr)  You just named her memoirs.  She'd better thank you in the forward.

(Ke)  And in the backward.

Sears-iously Extreme

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Anne just left.  Watching Glee.

(Ke)  So you're sauced up.

(Kr)  Maybe.

(Ke)  How very Sears portrait of you.

(Kr)  It's like a tiny, tiny Sears in here.

(Ke)  Marc's like your very own Ty Pennington.

(Kr)  Great!  Now I can't look at him.

(Ke)  Can you imagine having your very own Ty Pennington?  It would be so intense all the time!

(Kr)  It's giving me a panic attack.

(Ke)  Ok. I'll stop for a quick 8 hour nap.  Love you.

(Kr)  Eight hour?  Rookie.

(Ke)  It'll be followed by a 2 hour post-nap nap.

(Kr)  Thata girl.

Hollow(een) Gut

(Ke)  We just bought a shitload of candy.  Guess how many trick or treaters we'll get tonight.

(Kr)  5 zillion

(Ke)  I feel like you're not taking this seriously.

(Kr)  Ok.  3?

(Ke)  I'll let you know.  The night is still young...or it's over and we had zero.

(Kr)  Start binging.

(Ke)  I will as soon as I find out what that is.

(Kr)  Binging?  Shove your face full o' Kit Kat.

(Ke)  Hahahaha.  I was reading it bing-ing.  Oh boy.  I'm a binger from waaaaay back.  I've already had 3 pieces.  Don't think I chose candy I wouldn't want for leftovers.  Already had 3, by the way: Darth Vader, a princess, and what appeared to be a pile of garbage.

(Kr)  I thought I was getting a post-trick or treaters shot.

(Ke)  Oh, we ain't eeeeeeeven done yet.

(Kr)  I need to see Joe's hand next to the bowl to get an accurate read.

(Ke)  I'll send one.  I'm so tired of not being able to breathe through my nose I'm going to strangle someone then use an ax to chop off all his extremities.  That's allowed on Halloween, right?

(Kr)  It's encouraged.

(Ke)  My nose is literally bleeding it's so dry.  Very scary.

(Kr)  Geesh.

(Ke)  My costume is bloody nose girl.  I'm not going to win any contests but it's unique and authentic.

(Kr)  We just made tacos and fried our own tortillas.  We are going to win contests.  In your face!!!

(Ke)  Please don't make my face feel worse.

(Kr)  If my awesome tacos hurt your face, that's on you.

(Ke)  I think it's come to an end.  We had about 20 or 22.

(Kr)  Now just shut the lights off and eat your way to a candy coma.

(Ke)  If you insist.

(Kr)  I'm in a taco-ma.

(Ke)  I've had a lot of Milky Ways.  I'm feeling pretty spacey......no good?

(Kr)  Ba dum bum.

Get Out Of My Face-Book!

(Kr)  When people start Facebook posts with "let's see how many of you are paying attention", I immediately tune out.  And it's usually followed by some question about them.  Pay attention!  Tell me about me!!

(Ke)  I also hate the ones that say "90% of you won't be brave enough to repost this" and it's about how they are strong women aka bitches.  I don't need to be guilted into telling people that.  They can figure it out in their own time.

Gore-geous

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Just got home from happy hour.  What you doing?

(Kr)  Oh, just painting my nails purple over a layer of black.  Out of nail polish remover.  It's high class over here.

(Ke)  I will need a picture of that.  Have you had a few vinos?

(Kr)  Just a few.  It looks amazing-ish.  Take my word for it.

(Ke)  I can't do that.

(Kr)

Every picture I take makes my hand look creepy.

(Ke)  Well, you have a case of creepy hand.  Don't be ashamed.

(Kr)  It's going to murder your face...but look faaaaaabulous doing it.

(Ke)  You should make a Halloween costume around that hand.

(Kr)  Purple Pie Man.  Or Prince.

(Ke)  Purple Pie Prince.  Or Purple Prince Man.

(Kr)  Or creepy purple nail lady with no polish remover.  That's frightening.

(Ke)  I just got chills.  Thanks in advance for the nightmares.

(Kr)  I always pre-order my night terrors.  I have an iPhone app for it.  I may just amputate my hands in lieu of getting polish remover.  We have knives here.  Don't have to go to the store.

(Ke)  Don't get drastic.  Do you have pliers?  Just pull those suckers out.

(Kr)  Genius!!

(Ke)  I could talk about your nails and laziness all night but beddie bye is calling.

(Kr)  I heard that, homegirl.  Sorry about that.

(Ke)  I'm pretty forgiving but I do not accept.....ok, I reconsidered.

(Kr)  You're swell, Beave.

(Ke)  Keep digging.  Love you.

(Kr)  Love you.

Mon-dane, Mon-dane

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Works.  You?

(Ke)  Paying bills and picking out paint colors.

(Kr)  Are you trying to out-bore me?

(Ke)  How did you know?

(Kr)  It was the bill paying that tipped me off.

(Ke)  Ah, pretty obvious on my part.

Sirius-ly Relaxing

(Kr)  I'm at a house right now where the spa channel is on.  The song playing right now is titled "Bathroom Spirit".

(Ke)  I'd like to think it spontaneously created itself, but someone actually wrote that.

Tapeworm, Tapeworm Measuring The Junk Food

(Ke)  Well, I just ate a big plate of fries so the logical next move would be to immediately go to bed.   This gut isn't going to grown on its own.

(Kr)  I'm downing a pizza.

(Ke)  From?

(Kr)  Trader Joe's.  My client said your baby is going to be a metal tiger, according to Chinese New Year stuff.  We are wood tigers.

(Ke)  That's why we're so good at golf.

(Kr)  And like sluts.  I mean, a whole pizza.  I have a tapeworm.  And he is a drunken cheese lover with a mother of a sweet tooth.

(Ke)  Sounds like someone else I know.  Love you, Kreets.  Night night.

(Kr)  Love you.  That was from the tapeworm, but, I love you, too.

(Ke)  I feel like you're just phoning it in, but the tapeworm really meant it.

(Kr)  We love you equally.  Just as we do pizza . . . and chocolate .  . . and wine.

(Ke)  It's gonna take a lot of proof.

(Kr)  And wontons . .  . and anything else edible.

(Ke)  I get where I stand.

(Kr)  I'm not even sure where I stand in this whole thing.  I might need an exorcism.  And definitely an exercise-ism.

(Ke)  Just put him in a jar and call him a pet.  You can foster more, too.

(Kr)  A jar takes up too much room.  He can stay in my gut then I have a travel buddy.

(Ke)  Good point.  Now I really go night night.

(Kr)  Good night.  Now I really eat chocolate.

Pink Gravy

(Ke)

(Kr)  I hate to say it, but if cream and beef are in the same sentence, it should be a porn title.

(Ke)  I hate to hear it.  I also hate that Joe somehow just deleted all my texts.  He was trying to help me clean up my phone.

(Kr)  Not to be rude, but why does Joe ruin everything?

(Ke)  It's his talent.  He does feel really bad.

(Kr)  Gosh, now I feel bad . . .. that I'm not there to punch him in the chip beef.

(Ke)  He feels it virtually. 

The Great Wall of Chinese Take-out

(Kr)  Our other apartment didn't rent.  I just have to leave it to the Lord to handle.  And by the Lord, I mean Tony at the leasing office.  Praise Tony!

(Ke)  Trust in him.  And so it shall be done.  What happened with the renter?

(Kr)  Her co-signer needed a co-signer. 

(Ke)  Oh, geesh.  You got anyone else lined up?

(Kr)  Nobody else lined up.  Just hoping that sucker rents by the 1st.  Having two apartments is way too cool for us. 

(Ke)  You're pretty big time.  It just seems lazy and boring to have two places in one city.

(Kr)  The travel time between places alone.  It's like jet-setting, but no jet.  And no setting, to be honest.  When you guys are here next, we gotta hit up happy hour across the street.   I'm talkin' cream cheese wontons for $3.

(Ke)  I'd pay $4

(Kr)  I'd pay $30.  Because I want 10 orders.

(Ke)  Well, you do have two apartments, so the world is your cream cheese wonton.

(Kr)  Why didn't I think of that a month ago?  An apartment with wall-to-wall cream cheese wontons.

(Ke)  Why not a year ago?  Or five years ago?

(Kr)  Didn't have two apartments a year ago.  And I need one to store red wine, silly.

Hermione Made Her Money

(Ke)  Oprah was interviewing JK Rowling and she kept, ever so subtly, slipping into a British accent.

(Kr)  Who?  Oprah?

(Ke)  The non-British one.

(Kr)  That's her magic; she absorbs the essence of those she interviews...oh, and she is totally annoying.

(Ke)  Then they just talked about being billionaires.  They lost me.

Extra! Extra!

(Kr)  Alert!  New Mario Lopez reality series.

(Ke)  I need a start date, time and channel.

(Kr)  Monday, November 1st, 10:30/9:30 Central.  VH1.  Bam!!!

(Ke)  I don't know how to thank you for bringing this to my attention.

(Kr)  I accept cash gifts and most gift cards.

Bigamy Loves Company

(Kr)  Is it just me or does the woman in the Glade commercials always have a different husband?  Slut.

(Ke)  You may be watching too much tv.

A Womb With a View

(Ke)  Your nephew



(Kr)  Holy shit!!!!  Did not know this was happening today!!! Oh my God! He looks just like you.

(Ke)  That is what Kory and Joe said. Same pose.



(Kr)  He does.  That's you.  It's too much to process.  That's what I was staring at for 9 months, 36 years ago.

(Ke)  Lucky you.

(Kr)  How many poses until you got it just right?  It's ridiculously exact.

(Ke)  One.  Joe's good.

(Kr) He should do fetus and mother shots.  Newborn with family photos are so passé.  This is where it's at.  How hard are you bawling right now?

(Ke)  I'm not crying right now but when it came up on the screen we were both so overwhelmed.  I cry every time.

(Kr)  My eyes won't let me cry because my brain can't take it in.  I'm about to burst.   I'm never going to stop kissing him.  Never!!  You're going to need a restraining order.

(Ke)  I already have it in place.

(Kr)  You just can't plan for this emotion.

(Ke)  I know, Kreets.  It's so surreal.

(Kr)  I feel like he's mine.  And he will be when I steal him.  But, he's mine now, too.  I'm going to be sick I'm so excited.  I need to keep talking about this.  Stop whatever you're doing with Joe.  He doesn't matter now.  This is about us:  me and my nephew.  And you.  But mostly me and the baby.  My phone freaked out for a second.  What did I miss?  Did he ask about me?  The baby, not Joe.  Again, he's not part of this.

(Ke)  He's aware of that.  He knows his place in all this.

(Kr)  I have a contract drawn up in case he forgets.

(Ke)  The baby asks about you non-stop.  It's always, "Auntie Kreets blah blah blah".

(Kr)  We try to text.  He gets bad reception.

(Joe)  Ok...here's the deal.  I'm running the show now.  Kel's phone died.  I hear you're trying to cut me out of the picture.  I saw the baby mouth, "Kreety Kreet".

(Kr)  You're out!!  Out I say!!!  You'll have visitation privileges, of course, within reason.  And all monies, living expenses, and recreation will be supplied by you.  Otherwise, it's me and that baby nephew.  But seriously I'm so happy for you. You must be so ecstatic to see that face.  But seriously seriously, out!!!

Destiny's Chide

(Ke)  Joe said the only ones allowed in the delivery room are him, me, Chicken and Hammer.

(Kr)  That sounds fair.

(Ke)  I'm watching a rerun of Punk'd (don't ask) and Ashton Kutcher is really bagging on Kelly Rowland.  He is beyond douchey.

(Kr)  Yes, he is.

(Ke)  She is the one being Punk'd.  I can't believe how rude he's being.

(Kr)  I can't believe so many things about this story.

(Ke)  I'll turn it.

(Kr)  Like the fact that you're telling it.

(Ke)  Just delete these texts.

(Kr)  My delete button broke.  It's so weird.

(Ke)  That sucks.  You should be able to fix it.  Maybe if you....hey, wait a minute.

Technolo-Gee Whiz

(Ke)  Joe got a sweet new monitor.  Just say the word and I'll give you all the details of where to get yourself one.

Edit Posts

(Kr)  I have no words.  For any of it.  Gotta go to sleeps.  Those jammies aren't gonna crumple themselves.  Marc is jealous of the analog action.

(Ke)  Why do you think I sent it?  Christmas is right around the corner.  Now get yourself to bed.  Love you.

Munchies At My Housey By Proxy Syndrome

(Ke)  What doing? 

(Kr)  Getting ready for bed.  Oh, and watching Weeds. 

(Ke)  Really putting that Showtime to use. 

(Kr)  $10 a month, beeeeeotch!

(Ke)  That buys a few diapers.  Like 2. 

(Kr)  Showtime can hold the potties. 

(Ke)  What about the number twos? 

(Kr)  Samesies. 

(Ke)  I'd believe that about TBS but Showtime? 

(Kr)  I can't stop eating. 

(Ke)  What are you eating? 

(Kr)  Egg sandwich, toast and peanut butter, chocolate chip cookies, ice cream, grilled cheese, chips, and hummus. 

(Ke)  Jesus.  That Showtime is going to come in handy. 

(Kr)  In about 8 hours, yes. 

(Ke)  Love you, Kreets.  Sleep on your side in case you puke. 

Showtime After Time

(Kr)  All I've wanted is Showtime.  I finally got it.  It wasn't so hard a goal to attain.

(Ke)  You've got your Weeds. 


(Kr)  It's all I wanted.

(Ke)  Congratulations, Kreets.  I'm happy for you...and your low standards.

(Kr)  Tank yooooooooouu.

(Ke)  Happy Showtiming.  Love you.

(Kr)  Love you.

Agree To Agree

(Kr)  I really find John Corbett charming.

(Ke)  He really is.  I just wish he'd quit doing Nia Vardalos movies.

ESPajamas

(Kr)  Sure, I could tell ya I'm not in my pajamas at 6 pm but I'm not a liar.  And a part of my heart tells me you just might be in your pajamas, too.

(Ke)  That's freaky!  Put 'em on around 4.

(Kr)  That feels about right.  It's tough being this awesome.  Mostly because it takes energy and as you've figured out by the aforementioned pajamas, I'm lazy.

(Ke)  I wish it was bedtime...sigh...

(Kr)  It's always bedtime.

(Ke)  Somehow I knew that would be your response.

(Kr)  You know me so....zzzzzz........

(Ke)  Wake up!  Dateline is on!

(Kr)  Zzzzzzz....Wha...what?  Oh, phew!  I have TiVo. . .  Zzzzzzzzz......

(Ke)  It's pretty much on 24 hours a day on various channels.  When it's not, CSI: Miami is.

(Kr)  Mmmmmmmmm....David Caruso.  And by mmmmmm I, of course, mean, yuuuuuuuck.

Cold Stallone Creamery

(Kr)  You going to fly or drive to LA?

(Ke)  Probably drive

(Kr)  BYOP

(Ke)  ok

(Kr)  We miiiiiiight have sheets for you.  Miiight.  If you're lucky.  I can't wait for you to see our place.  It's pimp. 

(Ke)  I can't wait either but don't talk like that. 

(Kr)  Can't stop the pimpness.  Peeump. 

(Ke)  It had better actually employ hookers. 

(Kr)  I've seen some candidates. 

(Ke)  Oh no.  Are you living on Sunset in Burbank? 

(Kr)  Nah, this place it cool.  Now sshhhhhhhh.  I'm trying to watch Cliffhanger. 

(Ke)  She falls. 

(Kr)  I actually find myself attracted to Stallone in this movie.  I must be getting distracted by John Lithgow's unnecessary British accent.  We are going to watch Frozen.  Unless a movie has sub-zero temperatures, we aren't going to watch it. 

(Ke)  You better throw in Whiteout. 

(Kr)  We saw Frozen in half the time because it was so awful we watched in on fast forward. 

(Ke)  Yet you still watched it.  

How Muppet Babies Are Made

(Kr)  That looks like a Joe pose.

(Ke)  Sho nuff.

(Kr)  I still love it.  Night night.  Love you.

The Sprinkles Of Hope In A Lifetime Tragedy

(Kr)  Damn!  So, I went to wash the poop out of hair, right?

(Ke)  Right.

(Kr)  And I come back to find out the Heather Locklear/Johnathan Schaech Lifetime movie, I was very much invested in, ended.  Now I'll never know what was torturing her and trying to make her think she was crazy after her release from a mental institution, where she was put after seeing all her co-workers at the restaurant, where she was a chef, get murdered.  She was starting over.  New town.  A new life.  Who was stalking her?!?

(Ke)  You should have waited on that poop hair.  Let this be a lesson.

(Kr)  On the upside, chocolate mousse!!

(Ke)  How do I get admitted?  I might come have the baby there.

(Kr)  I might still be here when he's born.  Maybe we can share my room.  If I've learned one thing through this whole ordeal, it's that no matter what state a Lifetime movie is set it, if it's remotely South, they all have the same accent.  It's like they have one Lifetime dialect coach.

(Ke)  I don't know what about the dialect coach, but one thing is for sure.  It most definitely smells like urine in this theater.  Gotta shut my phone off.  Love you.

(Kr)  They put sprinkles on my whip cream on my mousse.  So, there!  Enjoy your stupid movie and your outside life.

A Diur(etic) Situation

(Kr)  I can't tell you how, but I got poop in my hair.

(Ke)  You know how and you need to tell me.

(Kr)  I pooped.  I wiped.  I was waiting to poop more.  Ran my finger through my hair.  Looked down.  Poop on my hand.  Shower time.

(Ke)  We've all never been there.

Down At Fragile Rock

(Ke)  Awake?

(Kr)  Meerning.

(Ke)  You wakeded up.  

(Kr)  I did.  Didn't want to.

(Ke)  When ya breakin' out?

(Kr)  I hope today.  Ask me the last time I washed my hair.

(Ke)  I'm going to guess Tuesday.

(Kr)  I think it was Monday.

(Ke)  What meds are they giving you?

(Kr)  They've given me so much:  A steroid, an antibiotic, breathing treatments, Tylenol, Valium,  Hydrocodone,  Dulocolax, something for acid, blahbedy blah blah.

(Ke)  Are you feeling ok?  Are they giving you an albuterol inhaler?

(Kr)  The breathing treatments have been albuterol.  Haven't been prescribed anything yet.  And now the Dr.  can't see me until tonight.  Argh.

(Ke)  That sucks.  Stupid hospitals.

(Kr)  Fraggle Rock is on!  

(Ke)  On what channel are they playing that?

(Kr)  Damn.  It's almost over.  HUB

(Ke)  Don't know what that is unless your iPhone took over. 

(Kr)  It's a new network for kids.  Get to know it.

(Ke)  I guess I have to.

(Kr)  So, the nurse just "administered" a laxative.  My hospital stay has hit the pinnacle of fun. 

(Ke)  Icheewawa!  That's what's referred to as a call back.

(Kr)  This is the result of tight skin and tiny veins.  I take it as a compliment.  Doesn't feel like one.

)

Neil Pudding Harris

(Kr)  Sorry I disappeared.  I had to go walk.  Then my IV got jacked.  Then dinner.  Theeeeeee most deeeeeeelicious pudding ever.

(Ke)  Pudding IV?

(Kr)  Straight to my taste buds.  I'm watching Doogie Howler.  NPH's voice has barely changed.

(Ke)  Doogie Howler?  Oh, iPhone.

(Kr)  It is a better title. Thanks again, iPhone.  (I just high fived my phone.)

(Ke)  You are in the psych ward.  (Circling ear with index finger and pointing in your general direction.)

(Kr)  Just because I high fived my phone?  But...I....oh, you might be right.

(Ke)  Coo coo.

(Kr)  Coo coo for hospital pudding.  I asked for seconds.

(Ke)  Did they comply?

(Kr)  He's gonna try real hard.  He saw in my eyes that it would mean the world to me.

(Ke)  It's the least they could do.  I think you're going to be in there a loooooooong time.

(Kr)  Go ahead.  Scoop on the loneliness.

(Ke)  It's just that you'll probably die in there...but with a gut full of pudding so what could be bad about that?

(Kr)  I'm not leaving you my pudding in my will.  Mostly because I'm going to eat if first.

(Ke)  I knew there were no hopes of leftovers.

(Kr)  None at all.

(Ke)  Still eating?

(Kr)  Nope.  Didn't get my second pudding.  My heart and lungs are broken.

(Ke)  What the hell?

(Kr)  I'm hurt.  The nice man lied to me.

I Feel The Need, The Need For A Speedy Recovery

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  I was just wondering the same thing about you.  I'm going to work.  How do you feel?

(Kr)

(Ke)  I see.

(Kr)  I feel ok.  Tired.  Haven't seen the Dr. yet.  Lots o' Lifetime Movie Network.

(Ke)  Are you a jet fighter pilot now?

(Kr)  Yep. They have courses here.

(Ke)  Good for you.  I don't know much about it but you should probably be wearing a helmet. Maybe that's lesson two after the masks.

(Kr)  It's just in-bed training for now.

(Ke)  How long is the course?

(Kr)  Hopefully just another day.  It's not really my thing.  I need a nap. Super tired.  Love ya.

(Ke)  Love you, Maverick.

(Kr)  You're my Goose.

(Ke)  Now I've got "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" stuck in my head.  Great.

Hospit(al)able Accommodations

(Kr)  Hi, it's the Kreets.



(Ke)  Kreets!!!  Why didn't you call me?  Remember the whole "let family members know when you go to the emergency room" conversation?

(Kr)  Didn't happen until 1.

(Ke)  So what led up to it?

(Kr)  I had a bad asthma attack last night leading up to this morning.  Called Dr. Purkin.  They got me in.  Sent me to Dr. Taback.  He said to admit me.

(Ke)  Your breather is broken? Vic Tayback?

(Kr)  Yep, he's making me a burger.  There were no beds so going through ER was the fastest way to get a bed.

(Ke)  Yipeskins.

(Kr)  Didn't feel fast.

(Ke)  It never does.

(Kr)  I think he admitted me because I was a crying mess, hadn't eaten or slept.  Plus the whole breathing thing.

(Ke)  Are you in the psych ward?

(Kr)  Feels like it.  There's a woman screaming "can somebody help me"?

(Ke)  Your new roommate?

(Kr)  I only hope.  Company would be nice.

(Ke)  I wish I could give you a nice loose hug.

(Kr)  Me, too.

(Ke)  You should have planned this for next weekend so I could.

(Kr)  Miss my sissy.

(Ke)  Miss you, Kreets.  Get some sleep.

(Kr)  Love you.

(Ke)  Love you so much, Kreets.

(Kr)  I found my Golden Girls.  It's like you're here with me.  I wish my IV was chocolate milk.

(Ke)  But then you'd be missing the most crucial part.

(Kr)  Which is?

(Ke)  Um...tasting it?  Der.

(Kr)  Watching it pour into my arm would almost be enough.

(Ke)  We both know that's a lie.