Hard Hits and Soft Drinks

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Oh, just feeling like a car hit me.

(Ke)  Why?

(Kr)  'Cause a car hit me.

(Ke)  When you got rear ended?

(Kr)  Yep.  Sore.  Should have skipped work yesterday.  But you know me and my work ethic.  I just can't stop working.  Except when I'm napping.  Which I also can't stop doing.

(Ke)  Your commitment to resting is unparalleled.

(Kr)  You've met Marc, right?  He's set records in relaxation.  I sometimes have to put a mirror under his nose.  Mostly just to look at his nose hairs but seeing he's still alive is a bonus.

(Ke)  Just make sure there's no coke on it.

(Kr)  Diet Coke.

Hug It Out

(Ke)  Major crisis!!  What am I going to do without my hug pillow for 5 days while we're in Vegas?

(Kr)  Bring it with you.  And for god sakes, stop whining.

(Ke)  It's huge and never.

Frosty The Nose Air

(Kr)  3 a.m.  I Woke myself up by breathing cold nose air onto my hand.  Yes, nose air is cold. 

The Holey Child

(Ke)  We're standing outside Claire's watching a baby get her ears pierced through the window.  Just waiting for the scream.  There it is.  I'm not gonna lie, I teared up a little.  Poor unsuspecting baby.

(Kr)  Been looking at apartments all day.  I'd rather be a baby getting my tongue pierced.

Unexpected Situation

(Kr)  Are you watching Glee?

(Ke)  No. DWTS.

(Kr)  Guess you're better than me.  Except for all the ways I'm better than you.

(Ke)  Do you think it could possibly make me like The Situation? I need him to stay around a while.  He's just on the cusp of me not hating him.

(Kr)  You need help.  Real help.

(Ke)  And some fake help.

(Kr)  What's making you like him?  Do his abs do charity work?

(Ke)  For one, he's not surrounded by the cast of Jersey Shore.  That's appealing.

(Kr)  I'll punch a Snookie.

(Ke)  She's punchable.  He's almost adorable.  I did not see that coming.  

It's Gallo:30 Somewhere

(Ke)  An old guy with a tiny bottle of Gallo Chardonnay with a twist top just cut in front of me at Circle K.  Something tells me it wasn't his first of the day.

Oprah Win Free

(Ke)  The weather acts like it doesn't even want to see my fall clothes.  If it could just get down to the 90's, it would be a dream come true.

(Kr)  You dream big.  And by big, I mean lame.

(Ke)  A teaser for the news literally said "How to look cool in a Corvette".  The ratio of Mustangs to every other car is about 2-to-1 here.  Maybe they should focus on how to look cool in that.

(Kr)  Mustangs = moderately lame.  Not gonna get much better than that.  Phoenix has officially run out of stories.  They should just cancel the news and play Golden Girls reruns.  

(Ke)  Golden Girls should be on every channel all day long.  Except when Oprah is on.  I'm hooked this season.  Don't tell anyone.

(Kr)  I just told everyone just now.  They're all over here watching "Golden Girls".

(Ke)  Oh.  Thanks for the invite.  I guess I'll just hang out here by myself.

(Kr)  You have Oprah to watch.  You got yourself into this situation.

(Ke)  I just hope someone wrote in and told her what a great person I am and how I deserve to have my student loans paid off . . . ahem . . .

(Kr)  I don't know how to write.  And I'm still figuring out what kind of person you are.  The kind that likes Oprah, so far.  Tsk.  Tsk.

(Ke)  But it's the "Ultimate Dreams Come True".  Just give me the word and I'll send you the list of my dreams.  I'll act surprised.

(Kr)  That word ain't comin'.  Keep yo' dreams to yo' self.  Dreams and wishes are meant to be stuffed way down deep in your soul until they die a blistery death.

(Ke)  I always do.  *sniff.  I always do.

(Kr)  What is Oprah teaching you?

(Ke)  That she's too rich and needs to give away her money.  And she wants to make people cry.  I'm ready to cry.  At any time.

(Kr)  Did my dreams come true?  Huh?  Do I live inside the Karate Kid movie with Ralph Macchio?  Am I a Goonie?  Huh?  Huh?!?  Student loans?  You used used to want to be Olivia Newton John.  Now look at ya.

(Ke)  It's time for new dreams.  You had your shot.  Now get on board with mine.

(Kr)  It's just that they're so sad, your dreams.  When you start wishing for cool shit like a house made out of Pudding Pops, I'll write that letter.

(Ke)  She already gave that away today.  No repeats.

Go Go Gadget Nipple

(Ke)  I'm a 36 D now.  Blerg.

(Kr)  Consider yourself lucky.

(Ke)  My nipples are 2 inches long.  I think that's the reason.

(Kr)  You'll be able to breastfeed from across the room.  That will save time.

(Ke)  I won't even have to get out of bed.  I'm starting to see the bright side.

You Can't Argue With Scienceish

(Kr)  Marc and I are going to the gym at 6 a.m.  We are going to pig out on Taco Bell first.  We need to have something to burn off or there's really no sense in going.

(Ke)  That's good common sense.

(Kr)  It's a Shape magazine recommendation.  Look it up.

Suck In Those Corneas

(Kr)  My optometrist  is going to be on America's Next Top Model tomorrow night.  I suddenly feel like my eyes aren't skinny enough.

(Ke)  He's definitely judging you.

The Corner of Sunset and Lame

(Ke)  What are you doing?

(Kr)  At the gym listening to a loser on his phone.

(Ke)  He's very important.  And don't eavesdrop on our conversation!

(Kr)  I think he took a wrong turn in the hallway and thinks it's his apartment. He kept moving to different areas just chatting and texting and watching tv.  Never even moved a single weight.  Poor little confused dummy head.

(Ke)  Your building is full of interesting people...and by interesting I mean ridiculous.

Let Them Eat Cupcakes

(Ke)  I don't know if it's because I had sugar before I went to bed but I kept dreaming about cupcakes...then just cakes.  I couldn't shake it.  I'd wake up and fall back to sleep and all I could see were cakes.  It was making me crazy.  I was seriously getting pissed.  My brain was stuck on fucking cakes.

(Kr)  It's making me jealous.

(Ke)  If you like frustrated sleep then I can understand your jealousy.

(Kr)  Look, I like cakes.  I'll take 'em any way I can get 'em.  If I wasn't on my way to getting pancakes, I would honestly beat your ass.  I'm getting the stink-eye from Marc for being on the phone.  And the stink-mouth.

America's Got People Who Sit At Home and Criticize America's Got Talent

(Ke)  Joe just accused Jackie Evancho of being a no-talent hack.

(Kr)  Who on earth is that?

(Ke)  Please don't embarrass yourself by pretending you don't know who she is.

(Kr)  I think I'm watching her as I wrote that.

(Ke)  Sarah Brightman does not want to hold her hand.  At all.

(Ke)  Does David Copperfield do kids' parties now?  He's a combination of Groucho Marx and Bentley from the Jeffersons.  He's getting goofier by the second.

(Kr)  Why is he talking like that?

(Ke)  He's clearly lost his god damn mind.

(Kr)  White socks with black shoes, David?  Tsk tsk. He's a little Bob Saget.

(Ke)  In a bad way, which is obviously really really terrible.

(Kr)  I'm tired of the celebrity prayer bow.

(Ke)  Ursher is a reality show finale performance whore.

(Kr)  His new thing is throwing off his sunglasses.  Like it's such a treat for us to see that he actually has eyes.

(Ke)  I wish I was his sunglasses provider.  I'd be sooooooo rich.  Like Usher rich.

(Kr)  Imagine if you were his actual eyes.  Eye, eye, eye, eyes.

(Ke)  I kinda wanna be Princess Poppycock. Michael Grimm should always wear a hat.

(Kr)  Fighting Gravity lost?  Is there no justice?  Do I have no life?

(Ke)  Joe was reeeeeeeeeally upset.  Hey, where's fat Goo Goo Doll?

(Kr)  Does he need a hug?  And a reality check on what to be reeeeeeeeeally upset over?

(Ke)  He's inconsolable...and he called Jackie Evancho a bitch.

(Kr)  Phone's gonna die.  Love you. Night night.

(Ke)  Yeeeeah, man. Love you..

Lactose Tolerant

(Ke)  The guy at McDonald's told me to "Have a day."

(Kr)  What'd ya get at McD's?

(Ke)  I definitely didn't get ice cream.

(Kr)  What form?

(Ke)  Well, they didn't have caramel, so I was forced to go straight 'nilla coneage style.

(Kr)  Finished my choc shake an hour ago.

(Ke)  I almost went there.  Wish I would have.  Such regret.

Directionally Challenged

(Kr)  Am I wrong , or if a woman in her 30's refers to a man in his 30's as a "player", he should be playing an actual sport, right?

(Ke)  All I can picture are gold chains and a baseball cap with a south-side slant.

(Kr)  South-side or north-side, there's not a compass in the world that should condone that look.

Corrective Surgery

(Ke)  I know, but if inspiration strikes . . .

(Kr)  It won't.  I had my inspiration removed.

Pizzzzzzzzzzzza

(Kr)  I had a dream last night that we were in NYC in Joe's favorite pizza place and two old Italian women were taking our orders. They barely spoke English and had to point to the pizza we wanted.  For some reason, Marc said "I love the way you lie".  All of a sudden one of the women broke our into the Eminem rap in perfect English and didn't miss a word.  The other woman sang the Rihanna part in perfect pitch.  Later in the dream, I was telling someone what happened and couldn't remember if it was a dream of not. A dream within a dream.  My own super lame Inception.

(Kr)  Marc has post-traumatic stress disorder after reading that breast feeding post.

(Ke)  I have pre-traumatic stress disorder.  This sounds like a mid-day nap dream.

(Kr)  It was a knowing-I'm-going-to-the-gym-at-6:30-am dream.

(Ke)  You mean it was motivating.

(Kr)  Italian women rapping always motivates me.

(Ke)  I read this as "raping".  Totally different.

(Kr)  Now I have present-traumatic stress disorder.

Blitzkrieg Bob

(Kr)  I need a haircut.  I look like The Ramones.  All of them.

(Ke)  Just throw on a t-shirt, jeans and aviators and call it a day.

Mama: She's Crazy

(Ke)  I'm watching The Judds on Oprah.  I'm pretty sure Naomi isn't singing.

(Kr)  I'm Judd-ed out.

Just Add Margarita

(Kr)  Greg A. Chwerchak and I are having drinks at Mexicali.  Apparently someone at the bar had broccoli for lunch.  And Greg keeps watching sports over my shoulder.  I've caught on.

(Gr via Kr)  She has no clue as long as I nod and say uh huh to her stories.

(Kr)  There are so many couples here on first dates.  The anticipation/rejection is palpable.  We are sharing a margarita.  Greg says it's very Lady and the Tramp, but more on the tramp side.

(Ke)  I can't understand you.  The music's too loud there.

(Gr via Kr)  Can I get a "que que"?

(Ke)  Don't underestimate the meal value of free chips and salsa.

(Kr)  Oh, it's estimated.  Greg says he's willing to wait 18 years if you'll have a baby girl instead.

(Ke)  Let me do some research.

(Kr)  They're playing Duran squared here.

(Ke)  I smell some ABC coming.

(Kr)  I asked Greg to change my diapy so I don't have to get up to go to the bathroom.  He asked if it was edible.  I said shrimp flavored.

(Ke)  Then dinner is served.

Penance

(Kr)  You don't even care about my confession.

(Ke)  What did you confess? I didn't get anything.

(Kr)  I was considering watching that Ashton Kutcher/Katherine Heigl movie.  I felt very ashamed.

(Ke)  I don't think my phone accepted that confession.

(Kr)  The Pope shouldn't accept that confession.

(Ke)  I hope you reconsidered.

(Kr)  I did but the thought still haunts me.

Meat And Greet

(Ke)  I guess I'm not getting some of your texts.

(Kr)  That's going to hinder progress on our blog.

(Ke)  Our livelihood is at stake.

(Kr)  Steak.

(Ke)  Stay focused.

(Kr)  It's hard when the subject inadvertently turns to meat.

Sympathy For The Nipple

(Ke)  Oh, Dear Jesus, Liz just sent me a text describing in detail a nipple preparation for breast feeding.  It involves "roughing up the nipples with a washcloth" starting once a week working up to once a day to avoid "splitting, cracking, chapping, puss, blood and pain."

(Kr)  Oh no.  Nipple puss?

(Ke)  Her mom's friend's daughter didn't do it and she has blood in her milk.  I can not get that image out of my head.

(Kr)  Blood milk?  Nipple puss? You just sobered me up.

(Ke)  I need to rough up my brain with a washcloth to get it out.

(Kr)  I'm praying for Alzheimer's.

(Ke)  My boobs hurt already.

(Kr)  How do you think I feel?  You've ruined a perfectly good Sunday night buzz.  Now I gotta go to bed.  But not because I'm old and tired at 8:30.  Just so we're clear.

(Ke)  I don't think I'll ever sleep again

(Kr)  You will when the baby's in high school. Gotta go night night.  Love you.

(Ke)  I love you, too, jerkface.

Sisterly Advice: Ignored

(Ke)  Despite your review/warning I'm watching Couples' Retreat.  I just wanted to be honest and tell you myself before it got back to you.

(Kr)  I appreciate your honesty.  I hope you love it . . . but you won't.

24 Minutes Of My Lifetime I'll Never Get Back

(Ke)  A bad guy in a Lifetime movie just said, "Wake up and smell the coffee!" out of anger.  It was terrifying.

(Kr)  Was he making coffee?  Maybe he's just really grumpy in the morning.

(Ke)  Not and it was morning. I don't get it!

(Kr)  Now, if he's making hot chocolate, I'll gladly wake up and smell it.  Which Lifetime movie?  I've sadly, probably seen it.

(Ke)  "The Perfect Something-Or-Other".  It's a marathon.  Why do I know that?

(Kr)  You're mid-marathon.  Been there, sister.

(Ke)  I'm just waiting for The Perfect Teacher.  It's a new one.

(Kr)  Who's in it?  Tracey Gold?  Judd Nelson?

(Ke)  Tracy Nelson is in the one I was just watching.  You were close.

(Kr)  Ummmmmm . .  .I'm on Lifetime and I see no "Perfect Teacher".  I don't like being lied to.  Oh, ok.  Lifetime Movie Network.  Please, I beg of you, be more specific next time.  I missed 24 minutes.

(Ke)  Oh, you'll catch up.  Don't worry.

(Kr)  I have to record it.  Marc won't have it.

(Ke)  What an ass.

(Kr)  I'm sure if I really tried I could sneak it on him, but I'm choosing to be a non-asshole girlfriend.

(Ke)  That's adorable.

(Kr)  This just in: in a weird twist of fate, he accidentally turned it on through our DVR. We are watching it.  He hasn't said anything.  How did this happen?

(Ke)  I'll be worried when he starts talking to the TV....not that I'm not a little concerned already.

Roller Queen Bee-otch

(Ke)  You were so mean to me in my dream last night.  You went roller skating with a bunch of girls you just met and wouldn't let me come.  I was crying my eyes out.  Mom and Dad were so mad at you they each took turns going into the roller rink to yell at you.  I wish I could say we were kids in the dream.

(Kr)  I feel really bad now.  I'll never skate again.

(Ke)  I think you started that promise about 20 years ago.

(Kr)  You can't keep a good set o' wheels down.

(Ke)  I just don't appreciate you being a total bitch face to me in front of strangers.  I'd prefer you never do that again.  Skate all you want.

Gettin' Braggy With It

(Ke)  Will Smith's entire family is on Oprah.  My TV might explode from the amount of ego on that stage.  It's too much.

(Kr)  It's a rerun.  Sad to say I saw it.  That little Jaden needs a talking to.

(Ke)  It's like I always say, "Nobody loves Will Smith more than Will Smith."  This was carried down to his "seeds".  (His word. Not mine.)

El Gluteo

(Kr)  Wish you were here for dinner.  So you could make it.

(Ke)   Whatcha servin'?

(Kr)  You misunderstood.   I wish to be served.

(Ke)  Why I oughta.

(Kr)  You oughta what?  Make a delicious meal for me?  Yes.  Yes you should.

(Ke)  We're having Mexican lasagna.

(Kr)  That sounds home cooked and tasty as all get out.

(Ke)  It's both.

(Kr)  I must go to the gymnasium now and exercise my muscles.

(Ke)  Calisthenics are healthy.

(Kr)  Ok, gotta go.  Don't try to stop me by convincing me that relaxation is good for me.  I'll hear none of it.

(Kr)  Well, I guess I could hear a little of it.

(Ke)  I think you should go get 'em.

(Kr)  You monster.  Don't complain when my abs are extremely taut.

(Ke)  I will complain.  A lot.

(Kr)  I won't be able to hear you over my throbbing, toned muscles.  Most of my blood used for hearing goes straight to my tight glutes.

(Ke)  Barf.

15 minutes later . . .

(Ke)  I thought you were going to work out?

(Kr)  Didn't realize you were a personal trainer.

(Ke)  Obviously.

(Kr)  Putting my socks on.  Happy?

(Kr)  I lied about that sock thing.

(Ke)  I don't talk to liars.

(Kr)  Just bending the truth until it breaks.  Then smashing it and setting it on fire.

Another 15 minutes later . . .

(Kr)  My view from the bike whilst exercising said glutes.  It might look like the computer from War Games, but I assure you it's a sweatcycle.

(Kr)  Put that in your homemade Mexican lasagna.

(Ke)  I need a sweat cycle.

I Get So Unemotional, Baby.

(Ke) Nelly has a new song. Uh. Uh. Uh.

(Kr) Oh. No. No

(Ke) That was just a factual statement. Attach no emotion to it.

(Kr) I never get emotional about Nelly. It's hard, but I fight the good fight.

(Ke) I just wish it didn't sound so much like . . . Nelly.

Joeasaurus Text

(Ke)  It's getting ridiculous.



 (Kr)  One might say it's getting out of hand.

Death by Groovy

(Kr)  If you ever want to blind yourself and end up in a fiery car crash, simply drive around mid-day in August with a sequin dress in the seat next to you.  When the light hits it, it looks like you're inside a deadly disco ball.

No Liquor Necessary

(Ke)  "C'mon N' Ride It (The Train)" is on the radio.  I think I just got drunk.

(Kr)  That song gives me an instant hangover.

Material Boy

(Ke)  Joe just asked, "What was that movie with the 911 ending?  The one with Edward from Robert Pattinson."  I can not stop laughing.

(Kr)  Joe is one of a kind.

(Ke)  He just gives up the material so easily.

(Kr)  He's constantly doing a one-man show off-off-off-off-off-off-off-Broadway.

Once A Sleepwear Thief . . .

(Kr)  Again with the jammies?  Are  you punishing me?

(Ke)  For continuity sake.

My Name Is Krista And I Have A Drinking Problem. I'm Out Of Drinks.

(Kr)  I've decided to not stop drinking.  It was never a consideration.  I just really wanted to take a stance on something and make a proclamation.  It's the only thing I feel committed to.

(Ke)  It's important to be decisive.

Delicious Homemade Jealousy

(Ke)  I just made goulosh.  Ghoulash.  I have no idea how to spell the damn word.

(Kr)  Spell it d-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s.

(Ke)  No, that doesn't look right either.  We'll get it.

(Kr)  I don't know that we will.

(Ke)  I'm too full of goulishishness to think about it.

(Kr)  You're not going to make me jealous...except that you are.

(Ke)

(Kr)  It's just rude.  You know it.  I know it.  The tantalizing goulash knows it.

(Ke)  I tried to make it look disgusting.  It's just not cooperating.

(Kr)  It can't help what it is.  Can you email me some?

(Ke)  Don't be ridiculous.  That won't work.  I'll fax it.

(Kr)  You've spun me into a goulash-envy rage.

(Ke)  If you have anything chocolate in your cupboard you've easily one upped me.

(Kr)  So much chocolate. I could make a chocolash.

(Ke)  I'd like a picture of that .  And several bites.

(Kr)  Fresh from the oven.

(Ke)  You son of a bitch.

(Kr)  It took what felt like seconds to make.

(Ke)  It's just 'cause you're a whirlwind in the kitchen.  A real pro.  Off to bed.  Goulashnight.

(Kr)  Love you, nerd.

(Ke)  Love you.

Keeping Up With The Krapdashians

(Ke)  Please help me understand why I would sit through two episodes of  "Keeping Up With the Kardashians"  and one of Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami.

(Kr)  I think it's because their sisterly bond is so endearing and their honesty is so refreshing.  Orrrr maybe because you're home watching t.v. at 1:30 on a Thursday.  One of those two choices.

(Ke)  It's the latter.  And I just get so irritated and then berate myself for indirectly supporting their ridiculousness.

The Moment I Wake Up....

(Ke)  I'm so glad Vera Wang finally decided to put some makeup on.

(Kr)  She really was makeup opposed. Where'd you see her?

(Ke)  A commercial for Kohl's.  They weren't havin' it.

(Kr)  The non-makeuplessness?

(Ke)  Yes.  She's less 70's Yoko Ono and more Lucy Liu now.

Special Text Appearance

(Joe) It's Joe. I'm hijacking Kel's phone in an attempt to make it on the blog. I probably shouldn't have told you it was me. This text took me 5 minutes to type because I'm not used to her phone.

(Kr) Blog access denied!!! Now have Kel post that.

(Ke) See what I have to deal with?

(Kr) It's not right. Not too late to say the kid's not his.

(Ke) I'd hate to get kicked out. I like it here.

(Kr) Suit yourself.

It's My Potty And . . . Oh, You Get It

(Ke)  I have had to change my pants twice because I guess I pee every time I sneeze now.


(Kr)  It's good practice for when you have to change the baby.  

In the Key of One Hit Wonder

(Ke)  My favorite part of Don Johnson's "Heartbeat" has definitely got to be the double key change.

(Kr)  My favorite part is the end.

(Ke)  Have another listen.  You owe it to yourself.

(Kr)  I think I'll have to find the video, too.  My eyes and ears should be equally treated to all things Don Johnson.

Fantas(y)tic Voyage Deux: The Return

(Ke)  Joe's calling into a fantasy football show on XM.  He's nervous.  It's adorable.

(Kr)  Pleeeeeeeease let me know what happens there.  Especially if he pukes on-air.

(Ke)  I will.  He should be on shortly.  I'm holding his hand.  He's burping.  A lot.

(Kr)  Anxious burps are the worst.  They smell like fear.

(Ke)  And Del Taco.

(Ke)  He's on.  Smooth delivery so far.

(Kr)  What's the question he's asking? 

(Ke)  He needs a kicker and wants to know who to drop.

(Kr)  Wow, these channels really exist.

(Ke)  The car kept slowly getting faster.

(Kr)  If it reaches 200 mph hang up the phone.

(Ke)  Well, the traffic put us back to 20 so we're good.

Fecal Factory

(Kr)  Promise me one thing.  When you have the baby, you won't start using the word "tushy".  Just say "ass".  I think he'll respect you more in the long run.

(Ke)  I gonna stick with "dumps like a truck".  It's timeless.

Sympathy for Stedman

(Ke)  I need to get "vajayjay" out of Joe's vocabulary.   I feel like I'm living with Oprah.

(Kr)  Joeprah.

(Ke)  And they both significantly lack a grasp of song lyrics.

Candysthenics

(Ke)  A woman just turned to me in Rite Aid and said, guiltily, as she grabbed a candy bar, "I just felt like chocolate".  I guess she thought I was judging her.  Then she started doing calf raises in line.  That's when the judging began.

(Kr)  Chocolate: 9.6.  Exercising in Rite Aid: .3.

(Ke) Then I saw a pack of gum for $2.79.  I was horrified and my jaw literally dropped open. Then I bought it.

(Kr)  You've lived in Phoenix too long.  Welcome back to gum-price reality.

Jon Bon Boring

(Kr)  Realistically, do you think Bon Jovi will ever stop making music?  Or is that just a fruitless tree of a dream?

(Ke)  You know I'm not one to pray, but it's something I'd be willing to change my ways for to make happen.  I'd like him to stop before he does a full circle back to his "Slippery When Wet" hair.  He's only got about another 20 degrees to go.

Punctuation.

(Ke)  God, it smells like period in this bathroom.  Majorly gaggy.

(Kr)  Maybe every woman in Phoenix is in sync, menstrually speaking.  It's like that Elton John song "The Cycle of Life"  from the hit broadway play "The Period King".

Joeasaurus Text

(Ke)  It's getting ridiculous.




(Kr)  It's getting out of hand.  Snicker.  Snicker.

Oxymoron

 (Ke)  Am I defeating the purpose?

(Kr)  Yes.  Now bring them home to me.  Not that cream junk.  That's for people who care about their ever-expanding flesh and its appearance.

(Ke)  I'll switch it for another bag.

Fantas(y)tic Voyage

(Ke)  Joe's driving the whole way to LA, but I only think it's because I'm letting him listen to Fantasy Football on XM.  It's worth it, but barely.   It was good to nap to.  Very Ambien-like.

(Kr)  I'd have to be chloroform-ed.



 

Get Into My Car. Get Out Of My Dreams. Bitch

(Kr)  It's 7:30.  I'm going to bed.  Wish I could be cool and say I pulled an all-nighter and am just now going to bed from Tuesday.  But, nope, got about 9 hours of sleep last night.

(Ke)  No smart ass comments here.  I wish I was going to bed.

(Kr)  I can't keep my eyes open. What are you doing?  Besides keeping me awake?

(Ke)  Just being jealous of your early bed time and packing.

(Kr)  I go night light.

(Ke)  Night light.



Next morning . . .




(Ke)  You were a huge bitch in my dream last night.  You better get it together before I get there.

(Kr)  I only got 11 hours of sleep last night, so I could possibly be grouchy.  In my dream, you had the baby boy and then we went our for a beer with Jason Sudeikis after he won a Tony.

(Ke)  Not a bad first post-pregnancy drink.

Unenviable Envy

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Watching "Golden Girls".

(Kr)  Jealous.

(Ke)  There's nothing to be jealous of.

(Kr)  Yeah.  I'm too lazy to find the right channel.  I'm jealous you're already on it.

He Wears Short Shirts

(Ke) Mickey is stretched to the gills

(Kr)  He looks like a Disney demon.

Cocktail(s) Anyone?

(Kr) I was watching Memento.  Not a good movie to watch after having wine.  Nobody involved has short-term memory.  It's a bloody mess. So, I tattooed what was happening in the movie all over my body.  I may have some regrets tomorrow.  Especially the one on my face.  Auntie Drunky go night night now.

(Ke) As long as you're not watching Cocktail again, I don't care what you do.

(Kr) Cocktail!  I bet it's on somewhere.  That's Coughlin's Law.

(Ke) You're cut off from wine and bad movies.

(Kr) You can't cut off genius. Or Tom Cruise reruns.  Again, Coughlin's Law.  Bam!

(Ke) Sometimes it's harder than others to be sober.

(Kr) Sober, shmober.  Oh, and smober.

(Ke) Maybe you should get yourself knocked up to keep you off the sauce.

(Kr) That's the best reason for having a child. It says so in "What To Expect When You're Expecting. . . To Stop Drinking Wine."

(Kr) Ok, for realskies, got to meet the zzzzzzzzs.

(Ke) Ztown, here I come. . . Sorry about that.

(Kr) That's ok. You just look like a real dork.  Good night, Mommy Dork.

(Ke) Night Auntie Wino.

Donnie Wahlberg, You Motivate Me

(Kr)  Is it sad that the New Kids On The Block song "Step by Step" inspired me during my run just now?

(Kr)  Frankie from "The Hills" is working out in the gym in my building.  I took a wrong turn in life somewhere.

(Ke)  I'm thankful I don't know who that is.

(Kr)  You have so much to be thankful for.

Puh-Puh-Puh Poke Her Face. Puh-Puh Poke Her Face.

(Kr)  I need to have something to do tomorrow, or I'll poke my face off.  Yeah.  Poke it.

(Ke)  That sounds time consuming.

(Kr)  I've got the time.  Enough to poke 2 or 3 faces off.

Timothy Hu(bba Hubba)tton

(Ke) Is Timothy Hutton hot? I can't tell.

(Kr) I have the same dilemma. I would probably make out with him with my eyes closed and picture him somewhere between "Ordinary People" and "Beautiful Girls".

Medium Rare. No Napkin. Just A Diaper.

(Ke)  We have to go to Modern Steak when you come here. You'll shit your pants it's so good.

(Kr)  I haven't shit my pants in a while.  It's time.