(Ke) I got halfway through my yogurt and realized, oh yeah. That's expired. Hey, Fage, how about putting the expiration date on any other part of the package except the part that gets thrown away?
(Kr) How'd you realize it was expired? Green-ness?
(Ke) I kept smelling something mildewy and thought it was my hands from washing dishes. It wasn't.
(Kr) I wish in my heart of hearts I hadn't asked you. And that, especially, you hadn't answered.
(Ke) I don't have enough vomit to feel sick for the both of us.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Egg On My Face
(Kr) What doing?
(Ke)
Oh, just this.
(Kr) Looks about right.
(Ke) I wanted to see if my counters were clean enough to eat off but I forgot to cook it first. Rookie mistake.
(Ke)
Oh, just this.
(Kr) Looks about right.
(Ke) I wanted to see if my counters were clean enough to eat off but I forgot to cook it first. Rookie mistake.
Sensei Says!
(Ke) We are getting closer and closer to getting almost started on the plans for the bathroom.
(Kr) Vague plans are the best plan.
(Ke) I've found it the best way to get nothing done.
(Kr) Doing nothing and getting nothing is way better than working really hard for something and not getting what you want. It's an old Chinese proverb. Don't even bother looking it up. It's super old. You'll never find it.
(Kr) Vague plans are the best plan.
(Ke) I've found it the best way to get nothing done.
(Kr) Doing nothing and getting nothing is way better than working really hard for something and not getting what you want. It's an old Chinese proverb. Don't even bother looking it up. It's super old. You'll never find it.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Cleave Me Alone
(Kr) Trend alert: Side cleavage. Why must I look at you, US Weekly? You're melting my soul.
(Ke) I'm familiar with side boob but not side cleavage. How does one differentiate?
(Kr) It's exactly the same. They're just trying to make it sound like it's what cool kids are doing. I've been accidentally cool on a few occasions.
(Ke) I'm familiar with side boob but not side cleavage. How does one differentiate?
(Kr) It's exactly the same. They're just trying to make it sound like it's what cool kids are doing. I've been accidentally cool on a few occasions.
Joelliptical
(Kr) Is Joey on the elliptical?
(Ke) That's just freaky.
(Kr) That's just Joe. I know my Joe.
(Ke) I do find myself falling under his spell.
(Kr) It's not tough to do. I mean, he owns AND uses his own elliptical. Most people use them to hang their clothes on like a gigantic expensive hanger. I could talk about Joe and fitness all night. But, I'm choosing not to. Night night. Kiss Bronxy for me. Love you.
(Ke) We'll talk about it all day tomorrow. Love you.
(Ke) That's just freaky.
(Kr) That's just Joe. I know my Joe.
(Ke) I do find myself falling under his spell.
(Kr) It's not tough to do. I mean, he owns AND uses his own elliptical. Most people use them to hang their clothes on like a gigantic expensive hanger. I could talk about Joe and fitness all night. But, I'm choosing not to. Night night. Kiss Bronxy for me. Love you.
(Ke) We'll talk about it all day tomorrow. Love you.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Kardashed Hopes And Dreams
(Kr) I'm watching Kardashian True Hollywood Story. Should I just quit life now?
(Ke) It's just on in the background and you can't get to the remote, right?
(Kr) Yeah. Sure.
(Ke) It's just on in the background and you can't get to the remote, right?
(Kr) Yeah. Sure.
Puss In Running Shoes
(Kr) I have to stupid work out. Did you work outs?
(Ke) I went for a walk this morning. Nothing to brag about.
(Kr) I'm going to attempt to jog up the hills. It's either going to feel rewarding or like dying a slow humiliating death.
(Ke) Let me know if it's the former. If it's the latter I'll find out eventually.
(Kr) Sure will. Get the eulogy ready. Zoiks! Flatlining.
(Ke) I'm honored to be your last text, rather than you calling 911.
(Kr) Today is the first day I've run in over a year. I feel like crying I'm so proud of myself. And I ran hills. And did lunges between sets.
(Ke) Go ahead and cry. Let it out. But not too hard. It sounds like you can't spare the oxygen.
(Kr) I'll be in wheelchair tomorrow. But pride will be flowing through my debilitated legs. There was definitely a chunky cat sitting on my chest. I could hear it purring, "you're going to meowing die! Meeeeeeeeowhahahahahahaha!".
(Ke) You really showed that chest cat by not dying. Stupid morbid cat.
(Kr) I never do what cats tell me to do. Ever.
(Ke) I went for a walk this morning. Nothing to brag about.
(Kr) I'm going to attempt to jog up the hills. It's either going to feel rewarding or like dying a slow humiliating death.
(Ke) Let me know if it's the former. If it's the latter I'll find out eventually.
(Kr) Sure will. Get the eulogy ready. Zoiks! Flatlining.
(Ke) I'm honored to be your last text, rather than you calling 911.
(Kr) Today is the first day I've run in over a year. I feel like crying I'm so proud of myself. And I ran hills. And did lunges between sets.
(Ke) Go ahead and cry. Let it out. But not too hard. It sounds like you can't spare the oxygen.
(Kr) I'll be in wheelchair tomorrow. But pride will be flowing through my debilitated legs. There was definitely a chunky cat sitting on my chest. I could hear it purring, "you're going to meowing die! Meeeeeeeeowhahahahahahaha!".
(Ke) You really showed that chest cat by not dying. Stupid morbid cat.
(Kr) I never do what cats tell me to do. Ever.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Up For Debate
(Kr) How's my Bronxy?
(Ke)
(Kr) I love it. Thank you for taking such good care of my baby. I'll let him know what a good second mom you were when I don't let him see you anymore.
(Ke) I would appreciate that. I'll just get him all set up for you.
(Kr) Thanks so much. Appreciate that.
(Ke) It's the least I can do.
(Kr) In all seriousness, Give Me That Baby!!
(Ke) You'll have to come get him. But don't. He's mine.
(Ke)
(Kr) I love it. Thank you for taking such good care of my baby. I'll let him know what a good second mom you were when I don't let him see you anymore.
(Ke) I would appreciate that. I'll just get him all set up for you.
(Kr) Thanks so much. Appreciate that.
(Ke) It's the least I can do.
(Kr) In all seriousness, Give Me That Baby!!
(Ke) You'll have to come get him. But don't. He's mine.
A Beautiful Mind Read
(Kr) What am I thinking?
(Ke) Ice cream.
(Kr) Yes!
(Ke) Der.
(Kr) Flavor?
(Ke) Vanilla with yellow cake, a little chocolate sauce, and whipped cream.
(Kr) That's why I love ya. Night night.
(Ke) Night night.
(Ke) Ice cream.
(Kr) Yes!
(Ke) Der.
(Kr) Flavor?
(Ke) Vanilla with yellow cake, a little chocolate sauce, and whipped cream.
(Kr) That's why I love ya. Night night.
(Ke) Night night.
Monday, October 17, 2011
You Scream. Ice Cream. We All Scream For. . Ewwwww!
(Ke) It's good there is an illustration for each language. It might be confusing otherwise.
(Kr) I can't concentrate because their heads look like ice cream cones. And I likes me some ice cream.
(Ke) Ice cream baby heads. Yum. I'm confused. Do they have clothes on? Lines on the legs and neck point to yes but apparently this is a full arm coverage onesie?
(Kr) They have thigh-high stockings on, of course.
(Ke) That makes the most sense. Please make sure your baby is sexy enough to use the changing table.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
If Criss Angel Can Do It . . .
(Ke) What doing?
(Kr) Just trying to plan this move. Zoiks!
(Ke) Oh, man. Are you throwing stuff out?
(Kr) Probs not too much. Just calling movers. Packing in my mind.
(Ke) That's the best part: mind packing.
(Kr) It punches actual packing right in the crotch.
(Ke) CROTCH SHOT!
(Kr) Just trying to plan this move. Zoiks!
(Ke) Oh, man. Are you throwing stuff out?
(Kr) Probs not too much. Just calling movers. Packing in my mind.
(Ke) That's the best part: mind packing.
(Kr) It punches actual packing right in the crotch.
(Ke) CROTCH SHOT!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Super Dad
(Kr) This guy was just playing with his son. The son was walking on a box marked Danger High Voltage. It was adorably stupid.
(Ke) It's that laid back parenting style that I'm such a fan of.
(Ke) It's that laid back parenting style that I'm such a fan of.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Mickey Would Shudder
(Ke)
How about I pay $40 more and go to Disneyland. The conductor gave me a "help me" look. Or was it a "kill me" look? They're so darn similar.
(Kr) That dirty, dirty mall train.
How about I pay $40 more and go to Disneyland. The conductor gave me a "help me" look. Or was it a "kill me" look? They're so darn similar.
(Kr) That dirty, dirty mall train.
Pay At The Pump. With Your Life.
(Ke)
(Kr) What????
(Ke) Is this what happens when you use your cell phone at the pump?
(Kr) Lesson learned
(Kr) What????
(Ke) Is this what happens when you use your cell phone at the pump?
(Kr) Lesson learned
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Blue Man And Woman Group
(Ke)
This is what's happening here.
(Kr) Why so blue?
(Ke) We are at the Giants game. High fives and hugs.
(Kr) Blue hugs? Blue high fives?
(Ke) All the above.
(Kr) Glad somebody's having fun. Haaaaaarumph! That's a blue bummer. Seriously, are you painted?
(Ke) If you have to ask. Nothing shows discoloration of teeth more than blue paint. Except black paint. It's the guys in front of us.
(Kr) Is Bronxy with you?
(Ke) Nope. A guy spit on a girl in a Giants jersey. A grown man. With his daughter.
(Kr) Ah, sports. Brings out the best in people.
(Ke) I've never given so many random high fives to strangers.
(Kr) Sounds germ-ridden.
(Ke) There will be a shower in my future.
(Kr) Make it scalding. Blue germs are the hardest germs to eradicate.
(Ke) I'm going to pick up a Brillo pad. People are giving me a pound and telling me "good job". Pssstt....I didn't play.
(Kr) Don't tell anyone. They'll cut off your salary.
(Ke) You always have words of wisdom.
This is what's happening here.
(Kr) Why so blue?
(Ke) We are at the Giants game. High fives and hugs.
(Kr) Blue hugs? Blue high fives?
(Ke) All the above.
(Kr) Glad somebody's having fun. Haaaaaarumph! That's a blue bummer. Seriously, are you painted?
(Ke) If you have to ask. Nothing shows discoloration of teeth more than blue paint. Except black paint. It's the guys in front of us.
(Kr) Is Bronxy with you?
(Ke) Nope. A guy spit on a girl in a Giants jersey. A grown man. With his daughter.
(Kr) Ah, sports. Brings out the best in people.
(Ke) I've never given so many random high fives to strangers.
(Kr) Sounds germ-ridden.
(Ke) There will be a shower in my future.
(Kr) Make it scalding. Blue germs are the hardest germs to eradicate.
(Ke) I'm going to pick up a Brillo pad. People are giving me a pound and telling me "good job". Pssstt....I didn't play.
(Kr) Don't tell anyone. They'll cut off your salary.
(Ke) You always have words of wisdom.
Image Issues
(Ke)
We are a good looking family. Bronx definitely has my nose.
And Joe's forehead.
(Kr) That is disturbing.
(Ke) How much we look alike? I know.
(Kr) Why didn't you do anything to Joe's picture?
(Ke) He's perfect just the way he is.
We are a good looking family. Bronx definitely has my nose.
And Joe's forehead.
(Kr) That is disturbing.
(Ke) How much we look alike? I know.
(Kr) Why didn't you do anything to Joe's picture?
(Ke) He's perfect just the way he is.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Powerless
(Kr) Please make the Old Navy commercials where they bastardize 80s songs go away to a deep, dark cavern of goneness.
(Ke) Done. Hey, by the way...
(Kr) Uh, yes.
(Ke) It's not done. I have no control.
(Kr) Uncool.
(Ke) Done. Hey, by the way...
(Kr) Uh, yes.
(Ke) It's not done. I have no control.
(Kr) Uncool.
Formal And Functionless
(Ke) What doing?
(Kr) Don't ask.
(Ke) But I already did. Remember?
(Kr)
Yes, my pants are around my ankles.
(Ke) Nice effort. The black socks really set it all off.
(Kr) Don't ask.
(Ke) But I already did. Remember?
(Kr)
Yes, my pants are around my ankles.
(Ke) Nice effort. The black socks really set it all off.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Maybe No More Spicy Food Before Bed
(Kr) I had a dream that you and I got into a gigantic fight while we were on a ship that was a dance club in the middle of a lake. Julia Roberts was with us and she was telling me that you called Dad and how lame that was. So, I yelled at you, "If you don't stop being such a jerk, you're going to lose Julia Roberts as a friend!". Then, naturally, I jumped off the ship/club and swam away.
(Ke) You do have a pretty powerful backstroke.
(Kr) Then I got back on and yelled that I was going to be sorry when you won the Nobel Prize.
(Ke) That makes the most sense out of all this.
(Kr) By the way, this is the second dream I've had where I was going to a club with wet hair. Is that my biggest fear in life? If so, phew!
(Ke) Your hair should only be wet when leaving a club. From getting all buck in your dancing and whatnot.
(Kr) Oh, you know I'm always gettin' buck at the club. Wait, buck means tired and sore, right?
(Ke) No, that's crunk.
(Ke) You do have a pretty powerful backstroke.
(Kr) Then I got back on and yelled that I was going to be sorry when you won the Nobel Prize.
(Ke) That makes the most sense out of all this.
(Kr) By the way, this is the second dream I've had where I was going to a club with wet hair. Is that my biggest fear in life? If so, phew!
(Ke) Your hair should only be wet when leaving a club. From getting all buck in your dancing and whatnot.
(Kr) Oh, you know I'm always gettin' buck at the club. Wait, buck means tired and sore, right?
(Ke) No, that's crunk.
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