Cream Brûlée

(Ke)  I finally did it:  I bought a Yankee candle.  Not even the seasonal one on sale.

(Kr)  Oooooh.  You're like an adult and junk.  What's she smell like?  Is it really worth the hype?  Am I really this curious?

(Ke)  Vanilla icing.  I can't smell great which makes it not a perfect time to pick out a scented candle.  Bronx seems to approve.

(Kr)  A.  That was a terribly worded sentence.  Maybe the worst.
         B.  Is this about the Febreze?  You just couldn't handle my house smelling all cranberry and frosty.  You just had to one-up me.  Well, touché.  I said touché, sir!  I'll probably just buy a can of vanilla frosting and light it on fire.  Same dif.   Take that Yankee candles!!  Mwahahahahahaha . . . coughcoughcough  . . . being menacing is so hard on the throat and lungs.

(Ke)  That's not what you would do with a can of frosting.  Get real already.  Yankee candle isn't easily intimidated, just so you know.  Save your breath.

(Kr)  I'll need it to blow out that burning can of frosting.

Febreally Strange

(Kr)
 
When it comes to scents that nobody anywhere in the world ever has actually smelled,  Febreze nails it. 

(Ke)  There should be a Jack in there for, you know, Christmas.

(Kr)  Jack spreading his scent?  As in phermones?  Breath?  Blood?   What are we talkin' here?  Frostbite I can see.  That seems like it would have a very distinct odor.  Frostbite and pine just says "holidays" to me, ya know.  Call me old fashioned . . .

(Ke)  I say If you're gonna go frost, you may as well take it to the top and go Jack.  His blood is fine.  Make guests wonder.

(Kr)


Reading the Wikipedia description, I'd say it's pretty accurate.  Murderous sprite with just a hint of cranberry.  Dead on.  Febreze:  No Scent Is Too Vague.

(Ke)  They made this, yet I can't find the pet allergen one anymore.  Priorities.

Santa Baby

(Ke)   

Zolly has arrived.  Sorry I didn't give you a heads up. 

(Kr)  That's cool.  Saves me a trip to Phoenix.  PS. Your daughter is givin' me the creeps. 

(Ke)  I was just going to ask if you wanted her.  She's not really my cup of tea.  

(Kr)  Ummmmmmmmm no thanks. 

(Ke)  She said she loves you.  

(Kr)  It's a love I can do without. 

(Ke)  I'll tell her.  She'll be ok.  One day. 

Japanese Roulette

(Kr)  Eating airport sushi.  Is praying still a thing?  Oh, and I've made a very important decision.

(Ke)  Whatever gets you through.

(Kr)  It's three years in the making.  I don't think I've ever weighed a subject so heavily.

(Ke)  Yeeees?

(Kr)  Team Edward.

(Ke)  Bold statement.

(Kr)  Already regretting that tuna roll.

Potty Shoes

(Ke)  We got Bronx a potty and tried to get him to sit down with a good book this morning.  He was already pretty crabby so he ran out of the bathroom and within five seconds peed on my shoes in the living room.  So close.

(Kr)  Maybe it's because I wrote "pee in mommy's shoes" in every page of every one of his books.

Out Of Remote Control

(Kr)  So, I guess we're watching "Cops".

(Ke)  Oh no.

(Kr)  I'm too tired to change it.

(Ke)  That's really tired.

(Kr)  With just a twist of lazy.  I'm pretty convinced that's how anyone ends up watching it.

Stop Pand(a)ering

(Kr)  I had a dream that we were on a road trip and we stopped at this weird ice cream place.  These angry hairy guys who didn't really speak English worked there.  They were annoyed we were ordering anything.  There was this neon orange soft-serve in cones in the display case, but I ordered the white.  You know how I love my vanilla.  It looked delicious and creamy as all get out, but it tasted odd.  I got really nauseous.  After I ate it, I noticed a sign on the wall with all the flavors on it.  The white was panda flavored.  Panda flavored!!  PS I ate a lot of onion before I went to bed.

(Ke)  This is a bizarre enough dream, but the texts came out of order.  6:35 a.m. is too early to be reading about panda ice cream.  Give me at least until 8 a.m.

(Kr)  My dreams have no curfew.

Face Value

(Ke)  Facebook stock is doing really well for us.

(Kr)  I sense sarcasm.

(Ke)  Wow.  I'm a good texter.

Clean Sweep Redux

(Kr) The housekeeper is definitely wearing my flip flops.  Again.

(Ke)  What the hell?

(Kr)  It's tradition, I guess.

(Ke)  Is she wearing socks?

(Kr)  Yes.  Could be worse.  You know, underwear wise.

Floored

(Kr)  The carpet cleaners came yesterday.  They told Marc "Wow, it got dirty fast."

(Ke)  Honestly in the carpet cleaning world.  How refreshing.

(Kr)  Well, Marc did ask for his opinion. (He didn't)  Then they had a laugh and a beer.  (They didn't)

(Ke)  Sounds comfortable (it doesn't).

Stone Cold (Sore) Awesome

(Kr)  I'm not saying this to invoke any level of jealousy, but I've had a pretty sweet cold sore for going on a week now.  Which is weird timing  due to the fact that I've had nary a social occasion this week to showcase it.  It's as if my face has forgotten the appropriate times to make me look worse.

(Ke)  I guess I better cancel that surprise party tonight which was, ironically, to celebrate a cold sore free month.

(Kr)  What if you changed it to a one-month-with-a-cold-sore party?  I think this sucker can make it a full thirty days.  And will this be a formal affair?  My cold sore has a sassy strapless number in mind.

(Ke)  It's running the show, so you tell me.  Oh, the excitement is contagious!

Pun In The Sun

(Kr) If Marc and I would have disappeared on our cruise, this would be the picture Dateline would have used. The episode would be called "Bon Voyage?" or "Love Boat".



(Ke) I think it would be called "Deception at Sea Level".

(Kr) Nice to see you're on board.

(Ke) We're in the same boat.

(Kr) It's getting a lido out of control.

Mary Kay Calling

(Ke)  Bronx's swim instructor is reeeeeeealllllly young.  He goes to community college.

(Kr)  The hotty?

(Ke)  Yes.

(Kr)  Guess we're pervs.  I'm fine with that.

(Ke)  I probably taught him.

(Kr)  They make Lifetime movies about people like you.

(Ke)  That's a selling point.

Clean Sweep

(Kr)  We had somebody clean our house today.  We have her come once a month.  So, she's cleaning away, right, and I look down and she's wearing Marc's flip flops.

(Ke)  Oh my god. What the hell?

(Kr)  It was unexpected, to be sure.

(Ke)  That is hilarious.

(Kr)  It was that and so much more.

3D BB Zolly 2

(Kr)  Hi, Zolly!  I love you so much

(Ke)  Isn't she a babe?

3D BB Zolly

(Ke)  Going to get the 3D ultrasound soon.

(Kr)  Oh gosh!  What time??

(Ke)  Right now. 

(Kr)  Show me!  Is she super beautiful?  Not that I won't love her if she isn't.  I'll just love her more if she is.  

(Ke)  She is.  We got some great shots.  

(Kr)  Send them!!

(Ke)  We are driving.  

(Kr)  Both of you?!?  Stop keeping me from my niece!!

Urine For A Real Treat

(Ke)

This is who I'm sharing the waiting room with.  Lana needs to drink more water.

(Kr)  You should bring it out to the waiting room and just casually sit with it like a cup of coffee.

(Ke)  It's be more convincing, and refreshing, over ice.

(Kr)  It's bad form to drink iced pee after labor day.  Saw that on Food Network.

(Ke)  But it's hot.  I simply must cool off.

(Kr)  What you're feeling there is probably the burning heat of a yeast infection.

(Ke)  Somebody is having a boy.  I can taste it.

(Kr)  Mazel Tov, Lana!

(Ke)  I'm not sure who it is.  Don't start any rumors.

Word War One

(Kr)  If I'm playing Words With Friends with total strangers at 2:30 a.m. and I drop my phone on my face, is that a sign to stop or persevere despite all adversity?

(Ke)  Make sure you're not bleeding, then carry on.

I Hear The Secrets That You Keep . . .

(Kr)  A few nights ago, in the middle of a deep sleep, Marc told me to hit the wise button.

(Ke)  You guys need a video camera in your room.

(Kr)  It's Paranormal Activity up in this piece.

Berry Gross

(Ke)

(Kr)  I think that may be the infamous raspberry dragon.  Keep it in a ventilated jar.  Very rare, my friend.  

(Ke)  Oh, Trader Joe's, your fruit is always full of surprises; bugs, mold, dragons.   You never know what you're going to get. 

(Kr)  I think raspberry rule is:  If there are creatures living in it, it's ripe enough to eat.  Enjoy!

Lotion Revoltion

(Ke)

This had been on the bathroom counter for over a month.  From the only vantage point I would ever notice it, it looked like it said Bodycologne and I would think, "I don't want any lotion with that name anywhere near my body".  By the time I stood up, I would forget about it.  This went on and on.  Finally yesterday I looked at it closer.

So much better.  Then I threw it away anyway. 

(Kr)  Stood up?  So, at the root of this story, you're peeing? 

(Ke)  I was doing what ladies do in the toilette.  

(Kr)  Why do you hate the coconut/lime combo so much?  Did a lime touch you? 

(Ke)  I like them both very much but I guess I was just tired of looking at it and had probably had it for years so it was time to part. 

(Kr)  The cabinet wasn't an option?  Just trash whatever offends your eyes?  Must be nice. 

(Ke)  Hey, when you live in the lap of lotion luxury, you discard whatever you want whenever you want.  It lived in the cabinet for a long time just taking up space.  Freeloading.  Bronx dug it out.  I no longer needed its services. 

(Kr)  I think I hear it crying from here. 

(Ke)  I'm happy to dig it out and bring it to LA. 

(Kr)  We are currently fostering our lotion limit. 

(Ke)  That's what I thought. 

Boat Coat

(Kr)  

Please get this for Bronx.  It's a great excuse to get a yacht. 

(Ke)  Go ahead and grab it in a 24 months and two 456 months. 

Embryo Cardio

(Ke)  It must be time for Zolly's Saturday morning kickboxing class.  She's really working out some aggression. It think she got the "buy two months get two months free" package.  She's really taking advantage and November is a ways a way.

(Kr)  She'll pack the pounds on over Thanksgiving. Is she aware she won't be out for bikini season?  Seems like such a waste of kickboxing.

(Ke)  She wants to look amazing for her debut.  And I'll have you know she's very committed to her routine.  Almost too.

Lions And Tigers And Bears, Oh Shit!

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Just watching a movie with Chicken.  It's called Elephant in the Living Room.  About people who own wild animals.  I'm probs going to get a lion or python.

(Ke)  I'm sure that's the lesson of the movie.

(Kr)  That's what I'm taking away.  If I'm super naive, I probably won't get my guts eaten in my sleep.

(Ke)  Be sensible.  Wait until you have a baby, then get a bear.  They can share a crib.   Adorable.

(Kr)  You're a genius.  How do you not own a deadly animal?

(Ke)  I guess because I'm a terrible parent.

(Kr)  True.

Get This Potty Started

(Ke)  Bronx and I are neck and neck for pants peeing today.

(Kr)  I'm surprised you're not ahead.  You got skillzzzzz.

(Ke)  One more sneeze and I take the prize.  And I'm going to be awake more hours than him.

(Kr)  Take that advantage and make your family proud.

(Ke)  Done.  I didn't want to wear those comfy pjs any more tonight anyway.

(Kr)  Put on something formal and restricting.  Then you won't be disappointed when you have to take it off.

(Ke)  Most of my clothes are restricting at this point.  Now if I could just teach Bronx to change me.

Sweet Spill Of Success

(Ke)  The new record for cleaning up a full glass bottle of maple syrup off the kitchen floor is 9 minutes 13 seconds.  This includes initial paper towel clean and glass pick up, swiffer, vacuum, and an additional swiffer.  I'm riding a high right now.

(Kr)  Did a bottle of delicious maple syrup need to lose it's life for you to get your jollies?  You disgust me.

(Ke)  It was going one way or another.  Shouldn't it be in the most dramatic way possible?  Eating it on waffles and pancakes over months and months? Boring.

Willing To Compromise

(Kr)  My single worst fear about having a child is that he/she will grow up and make the choice to go on "Bachelor Pad".

(Ke)  It's valid.  It will still be on by then.

(Kr)  It's going in my will.  You go on that show, you inherit none of my debt.  That'll show 'em.  Obviously, if money is won, different story.

Mother Bear(ly)

(Ke)  Me to mother of boy in Bronx's swim class about her son:  "How old is he?" Her:  "Ugh, I don't know.  I can't keep track of months."  Me:  "Oh.  Ok."

(Kr) A) That's something a kidnaper says.  B) Hope that little boy doesn't like birthday parties. And C) In the future she'll need that skill to know when he's up for parole.

Fear From Within

(Kr)  I'm about to tell you a true story.  It happened to me, so I know.

(Ke)  Ok, I'm ready.

(Kr)  I was sitting on the couch, not even 10 minutes ago, when I could smell death.  Death, I say!  It was deep and foul and heart-stopping.  Like the devil himself had just waved his pitchfork under my nose.   I thought, "Is this a premonition?  A sign?  Where do I run?  How can I escape this terrifying scent of torture?"

(Ke)  Hold on.  I think I need more chocolate for this.

(Kr)  Yes, child.  Nourish thyself.

(Ke)  I'm ready.

(Kr)  Please hold a moment.

(Ke)  What?  I'm on the edge of everything over here!

(Kr)  Had to refill my wine.  Where was I?  Oh, yes.  I began to question what I had done in this life to deserve such a cruel experience.  I began to fear my mortality and look back upon my existence.

(Ke)  Oh, boy . . .

(Kr)  Silence!  As I tried to control the sobs and screams I could feel emerging just below my soul, I raised my hand to cover my mouth, and realized . . .'twas thine own breath.   Soooooo my bad, sister girl.

(Ke)  I ate an awful lot of chocolate in anticipation of the finale.  Lucky for you I'm too tired to be disappointed.  Oh, and gross.

(Kr)  I've been home all day.  It's my best story.

Fashion Passion

(Kr)  I just read the following sentence in a magazine: "We found the most achingly gorgeous muted pastels."  I'm pretty sure I've now read every sentence ever written.

(Ke)  Was it Men's Health?

(Kr)  That would be the gorgeously muted cherry on top of an achingly pastel cake.

I Believe It Was Paul Who Said

(Kr)  So, this . . .



(Ke)  Dang!  Jesus told you.

Bitter Chocolate

(Ke)

(Kr)  Oh no.  Why'd you tell me about that?

(Ke)  Just to make sure you are aware of what's about to happen.

(Kr)  But now I know they exist.  And that I can shove one in my face in one bite.

(Ke)  You do have to bake them first.  Does that deter you?

(Kr)  I thought it said ready to bite.  This changes everything.

(Ke)  They do sell ready to bite brownies, too.  You can even chew and swallow them immediately.

(Kr)  What did I just say about telling me that stuff?!

(Ke)  I figured it was common knowledge.  You do have to go there and get them.  Does this change things?

(Kr)  Again, yes.

Disney Digestion

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  At work.  My stomach growling is offensively audible.  It sounds like the Haunted Mansion ride in there.

(Ke)  Fun!

(Kr)  Not if you're the mango and almonds making your way through my digestive tract.  I hear them screaming.

Hair A Parent

(Ke)  Stupid baby hairs are giving me a cowlick.

(Kr)  Put them up for adoption.  I'm sure there's somebody out there who would love to nurture your baby hairs to their full potential.  You thought long and hard before you got into this relationship with this haircut.  Now you have beautiful baby hairs.  Baby hairs you knew would be a result of that union.  And now you resent them.

(Ke)  But, I only cut it that one time.

(Kr)  You're not a teenager!  You made your choice.  Your hair didn't fall on those scissors.  I think the most insulting thing is that not everyone is capable of having that haircut.  They just don't have the hair for it.  They pay good money to professionals who say they will do their best, only to find it's just not possible.

(Ke)  I've made my bed.  I take full responsibility.

(Kr) That's the mature thing to do.  They'll grow and you'll regret ever feeling this way.

Baby Fat

(Kr)  Just overheard at lunch, "you will gain 100 pounds and you will not have 100 pound baby."  Non-sarcastically, by the way.

(Ke)  People are so ridiculous.  Even the biggest idiot knows babies only way half of what you gain so in this case 50.  That's an average size baby.

Exer-size Your Demons

(Kr)  Do you find it ironic that the word "size" is stealthily hidden in the word "exercise".  Sure, the spelling is different, but the phonetic intention to taunt me is still there.

(Ke)  Why does it automatically have to mean large?  Why can't it be small size?

(Kr)  Because it's judging me!!

New Additions

(Ke)

(Kr)  Nourish those baby hairs.

(Ke)  They are on a strict diet of prenatal vitamins and Pureology Essential Repair until they grow big and strong. I'm can't wait for them to turn 4 inches. It's going to be an exciting day.

Just Browsin'

(Ke)  Colorin' the ol' hair.  And eyebrows.




(Kr)  Speechless.  Except for this:




(Ke)  End Result:

(Kr)  Dammit!  Now, you're prettier than me.  Go back to being a creepy happy face.

No Soup For You!!

(Ke)  I got out of Trader Joe's and realized there was a box of soup in the stroller that I didn't pay for.  Am I horrible if I don't go back in?

(Kr)  I'd say that's the equivalent of breaking half of a mirror in bad luck/karma terms.  Maybe half of a compact mirror.  Can you live with that?

(Ke)  I just won't eat the soup.  That will even it out.

Movie "Snack"

(Ke)  Not even feigning any butter content.



(Kr)  It's coming from a metal dispenser.  I'm not convinced it even contains "topping".  Don't forget to add salt "flavoring".

(Ke)  These will be delicious additions to my "popcorn".

Nailed To The Wall

(Ke)  This is hanging in the bathroom of my nail salon as if to say "Shhhhhh.  Don't tell anyone we have this sign hanging in our bathroom".




(Kr)  Make it stop!

(Ke)  It won't.  I asked.

(Kr)  So.  Much.  Red.

(Ke)



(Kr)  Aaaagh!  More red!  You just had to, didn't you?

(Ke)  I did.

Hobosapien

(Kr)  Not unlike a hobo, most of my underwear currently have holes in them.

(Ke)  Have they been washed?  That's the real hobo test.

(Kr)  A hobo never tells.

(Ke)  He doesn't need to.  It's usually pretty evident.

(Kr)  You ride the rails all day, and we'll see what your underwear status is.

(Ke)  If, god forbid, I'm ever riding said rails, you'll be the first to know about the state of my undergarments.  And that's a promise.

(Kr)  Other than the occasional telegram asking me to wire you money, I doubt we'll be in contact at that point.  So you can just null and void that promise.

(Ke)  Can I send you a telegram now to send me money?

(Kr)  Typical bourgeois hobo.

Registered Pet Pretender

(Kr)  There was a little boy at the Cheesecake Factory with a blow-up dog, ya see.

(Ke)  Mmmmmhmmmmm . . .

(Kr)  He was playing with it and I thought I'd have a fun moment with him and make him feel special like his puppy was real.  What kid doesn't like that, right?

(Ke)  Right, right . . .

(Kr)  So, I said, "Can I pet your doggy?", expecting him to engage me and share the puppy's name and all that.  In my head, it was going to be adorable.

(Ke)  Still with ya . . .

(Kr)  He screams, "NO!!" at the top of his lungs and looks at his parents like I was trying to kidnap him.  So, basically, I'm the resident creepy plastic-puppy petter.

Ya Winfrey Some, Ya Lose Some

(Kr)  Honestly, do you think Tyler Perry will ever stop making Madea movies?  I'm trying to make a life plan and my future happiness depends on the answer to this question.

(Ke)  Never.  You'll lead an unhappy life.  Sorry.

(Kr)  Wow.  No false hope, huh?  So, unrelated, how do you tie a slip knot?  Asking for a friend.

(Ke)  Nope.  He's got Oprah on his side.  You take the two ends and loop  . . . wait a minute . . .

(Kr)  Is Oprah still a thing?

(Ke)  According to her.

(Kr)  Then it's debatable.  (Oprah's not reading these texts, is she?  I just got the fear of god/Oprah that this could get back to her.)

(Ke)  Oops.  (I mean Opes.)

Confectionary Hara-Kari

(Kr)  Group suicide.  Damn you, candy cults!

(Ke)  It's sad.  But if anyone should go, it's gummy bears. 

Breaking Butter

(Kr)  All I want to do is eat a loaf of challah bread with an entire stick of butter.

(Ke)  That sounds like a problem.

(Kr)  How so?  Bread.  Butter.  My mouth.  No problem.

(Ke)  I literally laughed at loud at that.

(Kr)  First off, thank you for not writing LOL.  I would never speak/text to you again.  And, secondly, it's not a laughing matter.  Especially since I don't have any bread.  Just butter.  And that would be just sad.  Right?

(Ke)  Sad isn't strong enough.

Phone Homeless

(Kr)  A homeless man at Walgreen's told me I was pretty, so I'm kiiiinda ridin' that high right now.

(Ke)  And you screwed up by not getting his number.  You did screw up, right?  Please tell me you screwed up.

(Kr)  He told me I'd look good in a burlap sack.  Thinking back, that may have had murderous undertones.  Still, if he owned a phone, I'd probably drop those numerals.

(Ke)  Well, ya know where he lives.

Don't Rag

(Kr)  Just in case you need this . . .


 . . . or this.



The liquor store in downtown Burbank has you covered.

How Much Is That Doggy Sweater In The Window?

(Kr)  Why?  Who?  Why?

(Ke) Um, I think you. Because you love dogs. And sweaters. And a good sale.

(Kr) First of all, that's not a good sale, my friend. Surely that same garment is at Petco for $40. Secondly, it's possible it's made of the fur shed from every Labrador in the world. Which, I guess is recycling, so I'm not as offended as I should be. Thirdly, you know that cut of dog sweater makes me look hippy!!

We All Have Our Skeletons

(Kr)  It is very disturbing that there is need for a PSA against using a mannequin in the car pool lane.  C'mon LA, you're better than this.  Aren't you?

(Ke)  There's a simple answer to that.

(Kr)  That the use of mannequins in car pool lanes has been greatly exaggerated?  That's not the answer, is it?

(Ke)  I'm afraid not.  I've heard of worse ways of getting away with using the car pool lane.  Or trying.

(Kr)  Like the guy in Washington who used a skeleton.

(Ke)  There's that.  And Jesus Christ!

(Kr) Oh, boy.

(Ke)  Let me clarify; no one tried to use Jesus Christ.  That was my response.

(Kr)  That definitely needed some clarification.  I'd already started my Google search.  The PSA said something like crimes involving mannequins are on the rise.

(Ke)  Other crimes?

(Kr)  Don't even look it up.  You'll be ashamed for America.  I had to know what other crimes had taken place.

(Ke)  Should I just move to Canada?  Would that be easier?

(Kr)  And other parts of the world.  I think it's worldwide.  Tsk tsk tsk world.  The best part about the skeleton guy is that he had it holding what looked to be a cookie tin.  Ya know, for realism.

(Ke)  I always travel with a cookie tin, but only when I'm the passenger.  But not in the backseat.  Only the front.  I'm very particular about that.

(Kr)  Everyone has their rituals.

Nobody can fault you for enjoying a sweet en route treat.  Nobody.

(Ke)  Is Brian still sitting in the driver seat?  The balls on this guy.

(Kr)  Aren't we all just skeletons holding cookie tins in the car pool lane called life?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/06/skeleton-in-passenger-seat_n_1190126.html
There's the whole article.  My favorite part is that he was fined $124 for skeleton-related charges.  That's it?!?  $124?!?

(Ke)  I was really hoping that was a hotel robe. I had a whole scenario in my head.

(Kr)  Just a hoodie.  A white one.  Because nothing says subtle like a bright white sweatshirt.

(Ke)  I didn't realize he had "a heck of a commute".  It all makes sense now.

(Kr)  I know.  Poor Brian.

(Ke)  Where's the wig?  And sunglasses?  AND WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?

(Kr)  Exactly.  No indication in the article of where he got the dead body!!  I hate Brian.  So very much.  And worse that that, I'm disappointed in him.

(Ke)  He murdered it, lived with it as man and wife for 6 years, kept it in the oven for another 4, then decided he was tired of that commute and brought it out into the light of day.

(Kr)  That's so Brian.  I guess if that were true, $124 find sounds like a harsh enough punishment.

(Ke)  There's too many gems in the slideshow at the bottom to count. It just goes on and on and on.

(Kr)  I got to the toothless woman robbing banks to buy dentures and had to stop.  For now.

(Ke)  Don't.  That's just way too soon.

(Kr)  Oh, Hal Weston.  For shame.

Spregretti

(Ke)  We're eating leftover spaghetti and meatballs.  I don't remember when we made it.  Pray for us.

(Kr)   I respect your fortitude.  See ya on the other side of that.

A Pickin' And A Spinnin'

(Kr)  Boy, the Domino's sign spinner picking his nose really gave me a hankerin' for some pizza.

(Ke)  Hankering means you never want it again, right?

(Kr)  It wasn't just the picking itself, but the casual nature of the picking that disturbed me.  Long, deep, casual digging of one's nasal cavity is not meant for public consumption.  That's for private time, sign spinner.

(Ke) He's just comfortable with you. Don't let that deter from Domino's when there are so many other things to deter you.

(Kr)  They really should do a booger pizza.  That's right up their alley.

MC=(Pie)2

(Kr)  Definitely at Marie Callendars.

(Ke)  Those still exist?

(Kr)  Oh my, yes.  Chicken pot pie and a hunk o' chocolate silk pie.  Double pie, ya see.

(Ke)  Nice!  Be sure to let me know how that goes.

(Kr)  Well, I'm going to eat it and immediately regret it.  That's an advance summary for ya.

Get Your Tobler-Own

(Kr)

(Ke)  Now I could really get sick off that.

(Kr)  It's serious.

(Ke)  How weird is this?

Joe got it at work.

(Kr)  Like, the weirdest, man.  I bet all of those still don't equal the one I have.

(Ke)  Should we melt them down and see?

(Kr)  Chocolate highway.  That doesn't sound right.

(Ke)

Joe wants to know how many ounces yours is.  He's very serious about this.

(Kr)  It's one pound 10 ounces.

(Ke)  Ours is 1 pound 2 ounces.  You win this round.

You know, for guests.

(Kr)  I give 'em 24 hours.

(Ke)  How dare you...give me so much time.  You underestimate me.

IHOP YOUHOP WEHOP

(Kr) There's a breakfast at IHOP that involves waffle cones.

(Ke) That reminds me that I better have some ice cream.  And breakfast

You Best Karma Correct

(Kr)  Soooooo overpavking? Help!

(Ke)  With your spelling?

(Kr)  Sure make fun.  I'll just bring everything I own.

(Ke)  Sounds like a great plan.  Hen will you be here tomorrow?

(Kr)  Ha.  Or was that a call back?

(Ke)  It was accidental.  Embarrassing.

(Kr)  In yo gace!!  And that, my dear, is how a call back is done.  (Cheers from my adoring fans all around the world.)

A Clean Getaway

(Ke) This happened while I was in the shower.

(Kr)  That's it.  No more showers.

And The Award For Most Clueless Goes To....

(Kr)  So I walk into the bathroom at my audition and there's a girl rehearsing her lines in the mirror.  She looks at me like I'm nuts for invading her space.

(Ke)  Apologize and tell her you didn't see the star on the door.

(Kr)  How about I smack her on the crotch and tell her to get real.

(Ke)  You're doing a lot of crotch smacking today.

(Kr)  What's a week without beating up dumb lady parts?

(Ke)  And it's only Tuesday.

(Kr)  I probably won't have time later in the week.

(Ke)  You better get it all in now.

Sterilize With Alcohol

(Ke)  I wish I would have noticed the dishwasher didn't work when I ran it last night before I used about 4 dishes from it today.

(Kr)  I would maybe consider some sort of shot.

(Ke)  Like tequila?

(Kr)  Or penicillin.

(Ke)  You're thinking more long term.  I was just going to try to forget about it for a while.

(Kr)  How are you not a doctor?

(Ke)  I DON'T KNOW! I just think a good margarita can cure anything.