Splatula

(Ke)  I told Joe if he kills two flies I'd give him a treat but I have to see corpses.  So this is sitting in the kitchen.

(Kr)  What's the treat?

(Ke)  I don't know.  I just said it.  Nothing if he doesn't get that second fly.

(Kr)  A treat promise without a treat in mind?  Dangerous territory.

(Ke)  The fly is eluding him hardcore.  I'm not worried.

(Kr)  He's a samurai with ninja focus.  I'd get to thinkin' on that treat.

(Ke)  He is not asleep on the couch.  Again, not worried.  Shit!  He just woke up and apparently the fly fell asleep.

(Kr)  Reversal!  Classic Joe.

(Ke)  He was so focused straight out the gate.

(Kr)  He.  Will.  Get.  That.  Fly.

(Ke)  The deed is done.  The carcass is in the garbage.  And we are now down one spatula.  I will never use that thing again.

U2 Look A Lot Alike

(Kr)  Go ahead.  Look up pictures of Bono without sunglasses.

(Ke)  Pin dot eyes?

(Kr)  It's just middle aged manville.

(Ke)  It's Robin Williams.

(Kr)  Spot on.

(Ke)  I have wondered why I've never seen them together.

Orange You Glad It's Just A Dream

(Kr)  I had a dream last night that Bronx was walking and talking but still looked like he does now.  The next part is either adorable or frightening:  he was wearing an orange jumpsuit.  But it was hooded, so I don't think it means he grows up to do hard time.  Just soft hooded time.

(Ke)  It's frightening because I don't think his skin tone can support orange.  I would like to know what his voice sounded like.  Was he bow legged?  Pigeon toed?

(Kr)  He was just a joy.  A real treat.  For realsies, he was super cute.  He was holding my hand so....

(Ke)  You're not taking him!

(Kr)  Fine!

False Idol

(Ke)  Baby lock them doors and turn the lights down low.

(Kr)  I don't get what the picture has to do with anything ever, but good for Joe and his manliness.

(Ke)  That's his Scotty McCreery impression.  Get to watching Idol!  This is embarrassing.

(Kr)  It is quite embarrassing.

(Ke)  You would be laughing your ass off if you didn't suck so bad.

(Kr)  I've seen the McCreery hold.

(Ke)  Perhaps a video would have done it more justice.  Joe has now used the following items as a microphone during his Scotty McCreery impression:  a comb, Bronx's toy giraffe, my body pillow, and Bug.  Everyone should get to live with Joe.

(Kr)  I would like to see photographic evidence.

(Ke)  I don't know why I would make that up but we're in bed now.  Tomorrow.

Now You're Just Being Fusilli

(Ke)  I was in the shower and literally said out loud, "ooooh, my leftovers" when I remembered I had pasta in the fridge from last night.

(Kr)  Left over pasta always warrants a shower shout out.

(Ke)  It really put a smile on my previously unexcited-about-lunch face.

(Kr)  I had the same pasta excitement yesterday.

(Ke)  Yoooou diiiiid?  What was so great about your pasta?

(Kr)  Blackened chicken pasta.  It didn't disappoint the second time around.

(Ke)  Pardon me, but I'm assuming you didn't make that.

(Kr)  You do assume like a champ.

(Ke)  It's one of my finest qualities.  It never gets me into trouble.

Dental, Damn

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Getting ready for the dentist.

(Kr)  Oy.  Well, text me after.

(Ke)  He's going to pull all of Bronx's teeth to the surface to bypass that whole teething nonsense.

(Kr)  Sounds logical and safe.

(Ke)  It's progressive.  You don't understand.

(Kr)  A 4 month old with a full set of teeth.  I smell toothpaste contract.

(Ke)  I'm gonna get some gold on them teef.  I sense his inner rapper.

(Kr)  If you get his adolescent teeth capped with gold, it's instant tooth fairy when those suckers fall out.

(Ke)  Anything that eliminates work on my part is a good idea.  Although, I hope he doesn't lose his adolescent teeth.

(Kr)  Baby teeth, adolescent teeth.  Whatevs.  He may not lose any until he hits puberty.  You don't know.

(Ke)  Big dif.  Although it would be cool to get three sets of teeth.  It may eliminate the need for braces.  If his second set comes in crooked, it's cool.  He'll get another one in a few years.  He does look pretty cute toothless now.  Too bad that doesn't translate well into adulthood.

(Kr)  Or maybe he'll lose his adult teeth and you can get him some gold dentures.

(Ke)  He can buy his own teeth at that point.  My teeth buying responsibilities end when he turns 18.

The Crying Game

(Kr)  Sure do miss ya.  How's Bronxabillion?

(Ke)  He's sleeping.  We're playing a game with friends.  Miss you.

(Kr)  What game?  What friends?  No fair.

(Ke)  Bezzerwizzer.  Fun.

(Kr)  Sounds fake.  That's fine.  Play your fake game.

(Ke)  It's real.  And I'm really losing.

Involuntary Toyslaughter

(Kr)  A moment of silence for Orange Dog.  He fought the good fight and was a true playmate.

(Ke)  Friends, they will come and go.  Whether they be orange or blue, fluffy or rubbery.  It's a sad day.

(Kr)  Ham in mourning.

He just kept following me around in disbelief after I threw him away.  Now he's under the covers.  He won't face me.

(Ke)  It's gonna take time.  

Played Out

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Just watching 48 Hours Mystery with my honey.  What you doing?

(Ke)  Just ordered Pizza Gut.  That was not a typo.

(Kr)  Pizza Gut?  I do not need to order that.

(Ke)  Just saw the trailer for Scream 4 for the first time.  It opens Friday.

(Kr)  I think I'll be skipping all future Scream and Fast and Furious movies.

(Ke)  Vin Diesel?  The Rock?  Paul Walker?  That one chick?  You'll come around.  I feel bad that Katy Perry's "Firework" just got lost in the shadows.

(Kr)  I know.  You think they would have just used it in EVERY commercial, movie preview, and tv show but....

(Ke)  I think everyone really missed the boat on that one.

(Kr)  EVERYONE.

Purple Pain, Purple Pain

(Kr)


(Ke)  So, I guess you're going to Prince and I'm not.

(Kr)  Yeah, but if it makes you feel better, I don't think he can tell us apart.  So, you may as well be there.  That help?

(Ke)  Umm, not at all.

(Kr)  I tried.  Little Red Corvette . . .

(Ke)  Now you're just rubbing it in.

(Kr)  Only the tiniest of rubs.  The line to the bathroom is like Lord of the Flies.  Alliances are being formed.  Even the bathroom stalls are purple.  Coincidence or Prince ordered?



It smells purple in here.

(Ke)  Are you having the most fun.

(Kr)  Now we're sitting next to the drunkest middle aged women ever who keep telling the kid in front of them that he looks like Ray J.  They keep saying it and saying it.  He's not flattered.  They think he is.  Oh, I hope Prince is this entertaining.  But, less wasted.

(Ke)  I'm jealous of all of this.

Put Up Your Duke(s) and Duchess

(Kr)  So, did that sandwich happen or what?

(Ke)  Not yet.  It's only 8:30.

(Kr)  Keep me posted.  Between that and the royal wedding, I'm absolutely on pins and needles.  Wait . . . does "pins and needles" mean I don't care at all?   Am I using that correctly?  Except about that dessert sandwich.  That, I most definitely do, care about. 

(Ke)  I truly did not care about the royal wedding until about 5 minutes ago.  Then I got panicked about missing it.  I have to find a way to record it without Joe noticing. 

(Kr)  Dammit!  Now you made me want to record it.  Your strange and highly unwarranted panic is infectious.

(Ke)  You still have time to get to Trader Joe's to pick up some s'mores.  They're filled with gelato.  

(Kr)  I would, but I'm currently downing Taco Bell. 

(Ke)  I really want to look what time the wedding starts without getting busted.

(Kr)  1:30 a.m.

(Ke)  What channel?  I wish I wasn't serious.

(Kr)  I'm recording it on CBS.

(Ke)  You really did a 180.

(Kr)  I'll kinda watch anything.  Get to know me.

(Ke)  Love you.  Talk to you at 1:30.

(Kr)  Love you.  Not gonna happen. . . Ok, maybe it will happen. 

(Ke)  I'm going to make Bronx stay up all night with me.  I've got enough sugar to fuel me.

(Kr)  You've got enough sugar to fuel the world.

(Ke)  Thank you.  I predict a runaway bride type of thing. 

(Kr)  Don't get my hopes up.

Please, Sir, May I Have S'more And S'more And Even S'more

(Ke)  Questions?  Concerns?

(Kr)  Please tell me you're going to make some kind of sandwich out of all that.

(Ke)  A sandwich in a sandwich?  Sounds like a challenge.

(Kr)  You could do it.  I believe in you.

(Ke)  I literally have the following in my house as we speak:  vanilla ice cream, rocky road ice cream, s'mores ice cream sandwiches, chocolate covered shortbread cookies, Lofthouse sugar cookies, another kind of sugar cookies, dark chocolate nutty bits, angel food cake, chocolate pudding, dark chocolate peanut M&Ms, chocolate covered raisins, and some kind of Asian chocolate wafer.  My biggest problem in life is what dessert to have.  That and an obvious sugar addiction.

(Kr)  You just gave me a cavity by proxy.

(Ke)  Those are the worst to fill.

Quit Pudding Me Down

(Kr)  I need to stop congratulating myself every time I break a sweat.  I mean, come on, thighs.  Let's get into a routine here.  I should, however, point out that I'm writing this as I walk up a Jill.  Hill.  With Jack.

(Ke)  I'm feeling very Humpty Dumpty.  I haven't gotten to the self congratulatory part of my day yet.

(Kr)  Well, you can congratulate me then.

(Ke)  I'm kinda too busy eating pudding.

(Kr)  They don't have pudding here on fitness mountain.  Just dignity and a sense of accomplishment.  P.S. send pudding.  My thighs wrote that last part.  What's that?  Did I do my walking lunges AFTER my hike?  Well, I guess I did.

(Ke)  It's like you're trying to drive me into a guilt ridden spiral which ultimately ends with me making popcorn in the middle of the day.  You know how I feel about that.

Ocular Felony

(Ke) Two Joe quotes of the night about American Idol.

(Kr)  Bring it.

(Ke)  Re: Casey: "I think this is the feel good performance of the night."  Re: Stefano:  "It feels like he's trying to eye fuck me."

(Kr)  There are so many layers to those quotes.  I don't know how to begin to touch on them.  He's an enigma.

(Ke)  Husby Bear is one of a kind.  I think he's right about Stefano, though.  I feel violated.

Crushed Groove

(Kr)  When your lifelong fantasy of being able to fly gets overshadowed by an anxiety of getting air sick, does that mean you've officially crushed your inner child?

(Ke)  I'm no authority but I think I crushed my inner child when I decided to major in Psychology rather than pursue my dream of becoming a back up dancer for Janet Jackson.