Pizza Slut

(Ke)  I've officially added Pizza Hut to my contacts.  At first I entered it Pizza Hug.  It felt appropriate.

(Kr)  Did you just order a hug?

(Ke)  I did.  I needed it.

People. People Who Read People

(Kr)  Just so you know, it's official.  It's going to be the sexiest awards season EVER!

(Ke)  Who promised the sexiness?

(Kr)  People mag.  The bible to all worshippers of nonsense. Such as myself.

(Ke)  Praise People.

(Kr)  When I lose faith and I can't seen to make sense of it all, People is there for me.  It answers the burning questions like will Kim Kardashian believe in love again and who did George Clooney prank on the set?  And once a year, when I need the big question answered, they hold up the eternal light and tell me who the sexiest man alive is.  It's how I find my center.

(Ke)  Your nougaty, nutty center.

Blood Chocahol Level

(Ke)  A hot chocolate a day keeps the doctor away.  That's how it goes, right?

(Kr)  I think it goes a hot chocolate a day keeps your skinny jeans away.  But that's just my personal experience.

(Ke)  I'm just wondering what percentage of my daily calories can come solely from hot chocolate without being considered malnourished.  Or dead.

(Kr)  I think if you did 3 a day and a half chicken breast spread out over the day you'd be fine.

(Ke)  Phew.  I'm pretty sure whip cream adds all the essential vitamins and minerals, too, so I'm good.

I Wood Love The Pasta Please

(Kr)  I'm sitting at a bar listening to a woman talk about her ailments and fasting to "jump start" herself.  Ugh.

(Ke)  I'm assuming the fast consists of a gallon jug of wine.

(Kr)  I think it's a fun fast.

(Ke)  Wonderful.  Best of luck to her.  Is she on the phone?  That's the most fun to listen to.

(Kr)  Nope.  Talking to another fun faster.

(Ke)  Where are you enjoying this conversation?

(Kr)  Gordon Biersch. I enjoyed a chicken pasta with just the right amount of toothpick in it.

(Ke)  Free pasta!

(Kr)  They brought me a new one, but I hadn't met my wood intake for the day, so it was fine.

(Ke)  You didn't have any shredded cheese I take it?

(Kr)  Oh yeah.  Dang!  Double wood intake.

Nogurt

(Ke)

I guess I'm done eating my yogurt now. 

(Kr) I guess I'm done eating yogurt forever.

Happiness. But At What Cosco?

(Kr) Gonna rock some Cosco pizza. It started out as a trip to the store gone horribly awry. Aw(esome)ry.

(Ke) But Cosco isn't even on the way to the store and you don't have a Cosco card? How did this happen?

(Kr) Magic. And hunger.

What A Sicko

(Ke)

Snotty but still smiling.

(Kr)  Makes me want to cry.

(Ke)  I wish I was this happy when I was sick.

(Kr)  Me, too.  That kid inspires me.

Stop Your W(h)ining

(Kr)  We're just in the studio makin' beats.

(Ke)  Fat ones?

(Kr)  The fattest.  With cellulite.

(Ke)  Sounds like your beats need to hit the gym.

(Kr)

(Ke)  Mariah?

(Kr)  Pffft.  Diva-er.

My album drops in three weeks.  It's called "Purple Wine Lips:  Just The Hits".

(Ke)  But let's see those teeth.

(Kr)

Purple teeth.  Purple tongue.  *hiccup

(Ke)  Oh boy.

(Kr)  Gotta lay down some vocals over the track now.  You wouldn't understand.

(Ke)  I understand more than you think.

(Kr)  No!  You don't!  You're fired!

(Ke)  I'm out.  Peace.

(Kr)  I just trashed the room.  I hope you're happy.

(Ke)  Sorry.

(Kr)  The cops are here. It's jail or rehab.

(Ke)  A good night in jail is just what the doctor ordered.  He's not really a doctor.  He just played one on tv.

(Kr) Perfect.  A tv doctor.  He'll understand my artistry. I want to make my amends.  I was a jerk.  It's just my talent....it's bigger than me.  Than all of us.

(Ke)  Not all of us.  Just some of you.  There better be some hot tunes at the end of all this debauchery.

Your Prehistoric Animals Are No Good Here

(Ke) 

  

(Kr)  He's makin' a break for it.  

(Ke)  He doesn't realize how good he's got it here.  It's a cruel world out there. 

(Kr)  Maybe you should just let him go.  He's probably trying to get back to his real home.  And Mommy. 

(Ke)  He reconsidered when I told him how much cab fare is to LA: 2 dinosaurs. 

(Kr)  Liar!

(Ke)  Hey, the kid doesn't have dinosaurs to lose.  He's got college in 18 years. 

The High Is Worth The Low

(Kr) Dang you, TJDCPBC.  I don't know how to quit you!

(Ke) That doesn't stand for Dateline.

(Kr) Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups.  I just had way too many and now I'm on a sugar high.  I can't sleep.  So, I'll probably just comment on every picture on Facebook.  Tonight.

Fair Welder Friend

(Kr) Be honest, is the idea of burning my apartment to the ground to avoid packing a really lazy idea? Or the most genius idea in the history of all genius ideas? Keep in mind, I will be evacuating all things living and chocolate/alcohol related beforehand.

(Ke) Does this mean starting an entire new wardrobe? Also, maybe best to not to put these genius ideas in writing.

(Kr) Good point. Forget I brought it up. Wink. On a totally unrelated note, where would one rent a blowtorch? It's for a friend who wants to weld. Not burn stuff to the ground.

(Ke) Tell your friend to think bigger. A blowtorch won't accomplish much. Not that I know what they are going to use it for. Which welder friend, by the way? You have many.

(Kr) You don't know her. Ummm, him.

Hair Careless

(Ke)

 I found this under the sink.  I don't know what to do.

(Kr)  First things first:  does Joe know you found it?

(Ke)  It's sitting in the garbage.  Maybe.  I don't know.  An economy size LA Looks Wet Look Slicking Gel? What was he thinking?  That I'd never find out?

(Kr)  Secondly, does it have an expiration date?  If it expired before 2000, it might be ok.  It's still a terrible judgment call, but the slick look was still somewhat in back then.  If it's a recent purchase, check the internet for a hotline number.  You're going to need professional guidance.

(Ke)  I couldn't get myself to look directly at it.  I can't go through this alone.  Will you be here for me?  Will you?!

(Kr)  I'm here for you.  I know this is difficult.  I love Joe, too.  I can't watch him live his life this way.  Don't look directly at it.  It will only make you angry.  Joe needs love right now, not anger.

(Ke)  I just feel so confused.

(Kr)  I've never seen him slick before.  Never.  And especially not around Bronx.  Maybe it's just something he does alone to decompress.

(Ke)  I want to believe it's over and trust him but if I find more 80s hair products things are going to get ugly.

(Kr)  Ask his co-workers.  Has he ever snuck off during lunch and come back slicked?  He'll probably say he was holding it for a friend.  Stand firm.

(Ke)  He's always clean headed.  Is he rinsing before coming home?  Oh god!

(Kr)  Stay calm.  You have a child together.  My biggest concern is Bronx.  I don't want him thinking it's ok.  I have to work but I'm here.

(Ke)  Have your phone on.  You're my emergency contact.

The Lap Of Squalor

(Kr) What doing?

(Ke) Watching tv, eating garlic toast and drinking a beer. Can you top that?

(Kr) Watching tv and waiting for my Taco Bell to arrive.

(Ke) You don't disappoint.

(Kr) But its so disappointing that it's not disappointing.

(Ke) You have personal Taco Bell delivery?

(Kr) It's called 1-800-MARC.

Cable-Induced Panic

(Ke)  Why is Ellen on at 3:30?  She's on at 4.  Always has been.  What's going on?!

(Kr)  I called NBC to screw with you.

(Ke)  And the Kardashians are on?  All on one show?  Bronx is interested.  He doesn't know any better yet.

(Kr)  He shouldn't be exposed to that unless it's a lesson in who not to hang with.

(Ke)  He does what he wants.

(Kr)  Sweet parenting.

(Ke)  I'm too busy wondering why the times of shows have changed.

(Kr)  Now I see why being a mother is the toughest job you'll ever love.

(Ke)  It's basically just lying around watching tv.  Don't let anyone tell you different.

(Kr)  Ok, I take a short nappy now.  Skype later?

(Ke)  Maybe.  There'll be more tv on.

Cerealously?

(Ke) I'm in charge of dinner. Cereal it is.

(Kr) I wish you were my mommy. Marc isn't hungry. It's annoying me.

(Ke) I never have that problem.

(Kr) I just want him to be inspired to get food. Or, more accurately, get me food.

(Ke)  My best to you.

(Kr)  It's not happening.

(Ke)  I'm making dinner and pouting about it.

(Kr)  I'm making a frozen pizza and semi-pouting about it.

(Ke)  It's ok to pout once in a while, but only about ridiculously petty things.

Knoooooooo!

(Kr)  I like the Kardashian Kollection at Sears. What's happening to me?

(Ke)  You need more wine.  Or less wine.

(Kr)  No wines.  That's why I'm disturbed to my kore.

(Ke)  I kan't support that.

(Kr)  It's knot supportable.

This (Text) Message Not Brought To You By . . .

(Ke)  Level with me:  are Depends going to be part of my wardrobe in the near future?  I can take it.

(Kr)  It Depends.  (The undergarment product Depends is in no way affiliated with the last text.  All rights reserved.)

(Ke)  Not yet.  Cha ching!

Sweet Relief

(Kr)  I couldn't find any chocolate and I was freaking out and then I discovered some chocolate covered caramels that Marc got.  I said, outloud, "Thank god!".  This is my life.  I hope you're enjoying the show.

(Ke)  I feel like I should be charged a fee.

Raw-ton Diet

(Ke)  I got halfway through my yogurt and realized, oh yeah.  That's expired.  Hey, Fage, how about putting the expiration date on any other part of the package except the part that gets thrown away?

(Kr)  How'd you realize it was expired?  Green-ness?

(Ke)  I kept smelling something mildewy and thought it was my hands from washing dishes.  It wasn't.

(Kr)  I wish in my heart of hearts I hadn't asked you.  And that, especially, you hadn't answered.

(Ke)  I don't have enough vomit to feel sick for the both of us.

Egg On My Face

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)



Oh, just this.

(Kr)  Looks about right.

(Ke)  I wanted to see if my counters were clean enough to eat off but I forgot to cook it first.  Rookie mistake.

Sensei Says!

(Ke)  We are getting closer and closer to getting almost started on the plans for the bathroom.

(Kr)  Vague plans are the best plan.

(Ke)  I've found it the best way to get nothing done.

(Kr)  Doing nothing and getting nothing is way better than working really hard for something and not getting what you want.  It's an old Chinese proverb.  Don't even bother looking it up.  It's super old.  You'll never find it.

Cleave Me Alone

(Kr)  Trend alert:  Side cleavage.  Why must I look at you, US Weekly?  You're melting my soul.

(Ke)  I'm familiar with side boob but not side cleavage.  How does one differentiate?

(Kr)  It's exactly the same.  They're just trying to make it sound like it's what cool kids are doing.  I've been accidentally cool on a few occasions.

Joelliptical

(Kr)  Is Joey on the elliptical?

(Ke)  That's just freaky.

(Kr)  That's just Joe.  I know my Joe.

(Ke)  I do find myself falling under his spell.

(Kr)  It's not tough to do.  I mean, he owns AND uses his own elliptical.  Most people use them to hang their clothes on like a gigantic expensive hanger.  I could talk about Joe and fitness all night.  But, I'm choosing not to.  Night night.  Kiss Bronxy for me.  Love you.

(Ke)  We'll talk about it all day tomorrow.  Love you.

Kardashed Hopes And Dreams

(Kr)  I'm watching Kardashian True Hollywood Story.  Should I just quit life now?

(Ke)  It's just on in the background and you can't get to the remote, right?

(Kr)  Yeah.  Sure.

Puss In Running Shoes

(Kr)  I have to stupid work out.  Did you work outs?

(Ke)  I went for a walk this morning.  Nothing to brag about.

(Kr)  I'm going to attempt to jog up the hills.  It's either going to feel rewarding or like dying a slow humiliating death.

(Ke)  Let me know if it's the former.  If it's the latter I'll find out eventually.

(Kr)  Sure will.  Get the eulogy ready.  Zoiks!  Flatlining.

(Ke)  I'm honored to be your last text, rather than you calling 911.

(Kr)  Today is the first day I've run in over a year.  I feel like crying I'm so proud of myself.  And I ran hills.  And did lunges between sets.

(Ke)  Go ahead and cry.  Let it out.  But not too hard.  It sounds like you can't spare the oxygen.

(Kr)  I'll be in wheelchair tomorrow.  But pride will be flowing through my debilitated legs.  There was definitely a chunky cat sitting on my chest.  I could hear it purring, "you're going to meowing die!  Meeeeeeeeowhahahahahahaha!".

(Ke)  You really showed that chest cat by not dying.  Stupid morbid cat.

(Kr)  I never do what cats tell me to do.  Ever.

Up For Debate

(Kr)  How's my Bronxy?

(Ke)

(Kr)  I love it.  Thank you for taking such good care of my baby.  I'll let him know what a good second mom you were when I don't let him see you anymore.

(Ke)  I would appreciate that.  I'll just get him all set up for you.

(Kr)  Thanks so much.  Appreciate that.

(Ke)  It's the least I can do.

(Kr)  In all seriousness, Give Me That Baby!!

(Ke)  You'll have to come get him.  But don't.  He's mine.

A Beautiful Mind Read

(Kr)  What am I thinking?

(Ke)  Ice cream.

(Kr)  Yes!

(Ke)  Der.

(Kr)  Flavor?

(Ke)  Vanilla with yellow cake, a little chocolate sauce, and whipped cream.

(Kr)  That's why I love ya.  Night night.

(Ke)  Night night.

You Scream. Ice Cream. We All Scream For. . Ewwwww!

(Ke)  It's good there is an illustration for each language.  It might be confusing otherwise. 

(Kr)  I can't concentrate because their heads look like ice cream cones.  And I likes me some ice cream. 

(Ke)  Ice cream baby heads.  Yum.  I'm confused.  Do they have clothes on?  Lines on the legs and neck point to yes but apparently this is a full arm coverage onesie? 

(Kr)  They have thigh-high stockings on, of course. 

(Ke)  That makes the most sense.  Please make sure your baby is sexy enough to use the changing table.  

If Criss Angel Can Do It . . .

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Just trying to plan this move.  Zoiks!

(Ke)  Oh, man.  Are you throwing stuff out?

(Kr)  Probs not too much.  Just calling movers.  Packing in my mind.

(Ke)  That's the best part:  mind packing.

(Kr)  It punches actual packing right in the crotch.

(Ke)  CROTCH SHOT!

Jury Doodie

(Ke)

(Kr)  10-life?

(Kr)  6 months to a year.  Depending on behavior.  Or how tall he gets.

Super Dad

(Kr)  This guy was just playing with his son.  The son was walking on a box marked Danger High Voltage.  It was adorably stupid.

(Ke)  It's that laid back parenting style that I'm such a fan of.

Mickey Would Shudder

(Ke)

How about I pay $40 more and go to Disneyland.  The conductor gave me a "help me" look.  Or was it a "kill me" look?  They're so darn similar.

(Kr)  That dirty, dirty mall train.

Pay At The Pump. With Your Life.

(Ke)

(Kr)  What????

(Ke)  Is this what happens when you use your cell phone at the pump?

(Kr)  Lesson learned

Blue Man And Woman Group

(Ke)

This is what's happening here.

(Kr)  Why so blue?

(Ke)  We are at the Giants game.  High fives and hugs.

(Kr)  Blue hugs?  Blue high fives?

(Ke)  All the above.

(Kr)  Glad somebody's having fun.  Haaaaaarumph!  That's a blue bummer.  Seriously, are you painted?

(Ke)  If  you have to ask.  Nothing shows discoloration of teeth more than blue paint.  Except black paint.  It's the guys in front of us.

(Kr)  Is Bronxy with you?

(Ke)  Nope.  A guy spit on a girl in a Giants jersey.  A grown man.  With his daughter.

(Kr)  Ah, sports.  Brings out the best in people.

(Ke)  I've never given so many random high fives to strangers.

(Kr)  Sounds germ-ridden.

(Ke)  There will be a shower in my future.

(Kr)  Make it scalding.  Blue germs are the hardest germs to eradicate.

(Ke)  I'm going to pick up a Brillo pad.  People are giving me a pound and telling me "good job".  Pssstt....I didn't play.

(Kr)  Don't tell anyone.  They'll cut off your salary.

(Ke)  You always have words of wisdom.

Image Issues

(Ke)

We are a good looking family.  Bronx definitely has my nose.

 And Joe's forehead.

(Kr)  That is disturbing.

(Ke)  How much we look alike?  I know.

(Kr)  Why didn't you do anything to Joe's picture?

(Ke)  He's perfect just the way he is.

Powerless

(Kr)  Please make the Old Navy commercials where they bastardize 80s songs go away to a deep, dark cavern of goneness.

(Ke)  Done.  Hey, by the way...

(Kr)  Uh, yes.

(Ke)  It's not done.  I have no control.

(Kr)  Uncool.

Formal And Functionless

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Don't ask.

(Ke)  But I already did.  Remember?

(Kr)

Yes, my pants are around my ankles.

(Ke)  Nice effort.  The black socks really set it all off.

Maybe No More Spicy Food Before Bed

(Kr)  I had a dream that you and I got into a gigantic fight while we were on a ship that was a dance club in the middle of a lake.  Julia Roberts was with us and she was telling me that you called Dad and how lame that was.  So, I yelled at you, "If you don't stop being such a jerk, you're going to lose Julia Roberts as a friend!".  Then, naturally, I jumped off the ship/club and swam away.

(Ke) You do have a pretty powerful backstroke.

(Kr) Then I got back on and yelled that I was going to be sorry when you won the Nobel Prize.

(Ke)  That makes the most sense out of all this.

(Kr)  By the way, this is the second dream I've had where I was going to a club with wet hair.  Is that my biggest fear in life?  If so, phew!

(Ke)  Your hair should only be wet when leaving a club.  From getting all buck in your dancing and whatnot.

(Kr)  Oh, you know I'm always gettin' buck at the club.  Wait, buck means tired and sore, right?

(Ke)  No, that's crunk.

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy I've Got My Love In My Tummy

(Kr)  There's a show on some channel we don't get called Living With A Sexy Ghost.  And there's a My Strange Addiction on next about a woman who carries around her dead husband's ashes.  Oh, and she eats them.  She's eating her dead husband's ashes, in case you missed that.

(Ke)  Are there any other kind of ghosts?

(Kr)  That's a great point.

(Ke)  Those two shows seems oddly related.

(Kr)  Another good point.  An ad for Hillybilly Handfishin' just to complete the night.  Boy, tv, you sure got weird.  I want to see sexy ghosts. Why don't I have that channel?!?!

(Ke)  What channel?

(Kr)  Mnet.  It's a music television station in South Korea.

(Ke)  That makes total sense.

(Kr)  Statistically, most sexy ghosts do reside in South Korea.  Everyone knows that.  It's just that music part that's a mystery.

(Ke)  That mystery is why you don't have it.  Sounds like a phone call to your cable provider is in order.

(Kr)  I would but I'm too busy barfing after watching this woman lick her husband's ashes off her sausage fingers.

(Ke)  Morbid Lick 'Em Aide.

(Kr)  You won't find that at the five 'n dime.


(Ke)  It's more of a special order treat.

Shhhhhhhhhheesh

(Ke)

Icon?

(Kr)  I guess that's the secret.

(Ke)  I would trust whoever kept it with my life.  They are clearly very trustworthy.

Appetite Destruction

(Kr)

In the Ross dressing room.  How's that ice cream sound now.

(Ke)  I just ordered french fries, you bitch!

(Kr)  This is my new diet picture.  I predict a hefty weight loss.

(Ke)  I already threw up in preparation for my fries.

(Kr)  I broke a sweat just looking at it.

(Ke)  I'm going to pretend it fell off someone who just simply cut themselves shaving.  No puss involved.  That helps.

(Kr)  That's now how you spell pus.  So, that sentence is totally different than you intended.

(Ke)  No, that's what I meant.

(Kr)  There are some teenagers in Pink Berry faking British accents.  It irritates me almost as much as getting Pink Berry instead of ice cream.

(Ke)  You should ask them what part of Britain they are from.

(Kr)  They're from Iwillpunchtheirfaceshire.  It's in the country.

(Ke)  Sounds bloody beautiful.  Now I'm thinking about that band aid.  Dammit!

Merlot Down Dirty Shame

(Ke)  I was able to change my flight for Labor Day.  I saved $18.

(Kr)  $18 each way?

(Ke)  No, total.

(Kr)  Oh, ha.  Well, that's a couple of drinks.  That's how I count money.  In glasses of wine.

(Ke)  It's one drink in Vegas.  Four bottles of wine at Trader Joe's.

(Kr)  You're quite the mathematician.  I'm impressed.  You may drink with me.

(Ke)  I'm good at two kinds of math:  blackjack and apparently figuring out how much wine $18 will give me.

(Kr)  Is there another math?

A Reality Show Within a Reality Show

(Ke)  I think Joe is watching The Bachelorette in the living room.  Alone.  And it's not like it's just on.  He had to go into the recordings to watch it.

(Kr)  This is priceless information.

(Ke)  It's been confirmed.  He's catching me up about Bentley.  He "hates Ashley".  She's an "airhead".

(Kr)  I'm in awe.  Is he ashamed?  Or proud?

(Ke)  I mean, he is watching it.  Not reluctantly with me while messing with his phone or falling asleep.  On the elliptical, glasses on, focused.  There is no shame.  Zero.  He's too interested.  Way more than me, which is not at all.

(Kr)  There are no words.

(Ke)  There never are.  He thinks it's cool they get to go places.  He just doesn't understand why Bentley would fly all the way to Hong Kong to tell her he doesn't want to be with herZ

(Kr)  Ummmmm...free trip to Hong Kong.

(Ke)  Good pointZ

(Kr)  Any particular reason you keep putting a Z after every sentence?  I'm watching Going The Distance and really enjoying it.

(Ke)  I have my reasonZ.  What's that?

(Kr)  Look it up, lazy ass.

(Ke)  I will check it out.  From Blockbuster.  Then check it out.  As in watch it.

(Kr)  You're going to run Blockbuster straight into the ground, huh?

(Ke)  Hey, they're doing it to themselves.

(Kr)  They're trying to be sweet by giving you free movies and you're just going to use and abuse.  Real nice.

(Ke)  They want me to take their free movies then not finish them in a timely manner and pay $.99 per day per movie in late fees.  It's working in their favor, believe me.

(Kr)  I'm on your side.  Except I think you return them on time.  Yes?

(Ke)  We have three overdue now and three we returned yesterday that were a day late.  We can't watch 3 movies in a day.  Who are we kidding?

(Kr)  Yourselves?

(Ke)  Correct.  Joe just did a solid hour on the elliptical.  "The Bachelorette carried him through to fitness and weight loss".  He's getting too involved.

(Kr)  He's committed.

(Ke)  He should be committed.  I just downloaded my first book on the Kindle app on my iPhone: Olive Kitteridge.  Nikki suggested reading it.

(Kr)  What's it about?  I know, look it up.

(Ke)  I don't know yet.  And that.  Lazy ass.

(Kr)  For the record, you went to bed an hour and a half ago.

(Ke)  I know.  That's what my eyes are sayingZ

(Kr)  I think those Zs are telling you the right thing to do.

(Ke)  I better listen.  Night now.

(Kr)  Night night.

Sargeant Sister

(Ke)  Today was my first two-a-day.

(Kr)  Workout?

(Ke)  Yep.  I'm on a mission.

(Kr)  I need to get motivated.  Help me . . .  Motivate me . . . Be my sensei . . .

(Ke)  You want to be able to fit into my dress that I wore 5 months pregnant for your wedding?  That kind of motivation?

(Kr)  Maybe take it up half a notch, coach.

(Ke)  You have an awesome gym, nice weather and lots of hills.  There's motivation all around you.

(Kr)  You motivate me!!  Mountains and sunshine don't speak!!

(Ke)  Get your ass out there or I'll never speak to you again!!

(Kr)  Woah.

(Ke)  Too much?  I took the military/junior high approach.

(Kr)  It works on you.

(Ke)  You're my best friend.  Now drop and give me 20.

(Kr)  Will I still be your best friend?

(Ke)  I guess. . .

Don't Get All Bentley Out Of Shape

(Ke)  What you doing?

(Kr)  Just watching The Bachelorette.  Drinking some wine.

(Ke)  You'd have to.

(Kr)  If I drank every time somebody said connection, I'd have alcohol poisoning.

(Ke)  New drinking game.  You're still into drinking games, right?

(Kr)  I do see the drinking game happening.  Only when they revolve around reality dating shows.  I have class, after all.

(Ke)  Did she find out about Bentley?  I just heard the phrase "man claws"  on that show.

(Kr)  Oh, yeah.  That's old hat.

(Ke)  Well, excuuuuuuuse me.

(Kr)  In what context was man claws used?

(Ke)  One of the guys said, "The man claws are gonna come out."  I love the cuts to the raised eyebrows and wide eyes.

(Kr)  Are you Bachelorette-ing it?

(Ke)  I am now.  I'm not proud.

(Kr)  You're ahead of me.  That's what you get for living in Phoenix.  You're watching tonight's episode?

(Ke)  No, when they went to Phuket.

(Kr)  They're still in Thailand.  I didn't see all of last week.

(Ke)  I guess it didn't record.

(Kr)  Now we're seriously taking The Bachelorette.  I won't have it!

(Ke)  What happened after Bentley left?  Seriously?!

Milk Shake Weight

(Ke)  Joe's about to do a post-ice cream elliptical session.

(Kr)  Bad.  Idea.

(Ke)  I've mentioned that.

(Kr)  I just remembered that Shake Weight I bought.  Maybe keeping it under the bed isn't a top-notch idea.

(Ke)  Oh snap!  Bust it out!

(Kr)  But, I've had "a" glass of wine.

(Ke)  Stay away from the Shake Weight.

(Kr)  That hasn't been an issue, as aforementioned.

Throwing A Fit(ness)

(Ke)  Joe is dedicated to weight loss and fitness.  Dedication doesn't tire.

(Kr)  Has he been on that thing for hours?

(Ke)  No.  21 minutes.  "40 more to go".  He keeps whispering, "Dedicated to weight loss and fitness." to himself.  Then every once in a while he'll yell, "Come on!"  And he's calling me coach.

(Kr)  Whew!  I needed that laugh.  Joe's the best.  Can he live with us?

(Ke)  I guess so.

(Kr)  Yes!  We'll clean out the closet on our deck.  He'll be super comfy there.

(Ke)  He can sleep anywhere.  Anywhere.

(Kr)  And our gym has five treadmills.  He can whisper to himself all day.

(Ke)  Now he just keeps saying, "It just got hard on me".  But it sounds like "hot".  And he just let out a "fitness burp".

(Kr)  It got hard on him is something I'd never like to hear or read ever again.  But, once again, I'd give anything to be in your living room.  I'm going to bed, but I'll set my alarm for every 15 minutes in case you send a video.

(Ke)  Sounds like a restful night.  Love you.

Fight Or Fight

(Ke)

My nipples have packed up and moved inside my body.

(Kr)  Toof!  Nipples packed what...?

(Ke)  Their bags.  They saw that tooth comin' and ran.

Assenine

(Kr)  When was the last time you really just went all out and called someone a butthole?

(Ke)  I'm not sure but I'm pretty confident you were on the receiving end.

(Kr)  How very rude but, mostly likely, accurate.

(Ke)  I'm sure you deserved it.  I don't use that term willy nilly.  I also don't use willy nilly willy nilly.

(Kr)  Oh, but you'll just use willy nilly at the drop of a hat.  You same-time joked me.

(Ke)  You owe me some coke.  That's how that saying goes, right?

Emoticon Artist

(Kr)  I need to have an intervention with you.  Although, I guess if I'm telling you, it's not much of an intervention.  It's about the emoticons.

(Ke)  I use them sparingly.

(Kr)  It's just that you use them.  You're better than that, man.

(Ke)  I like a smiley face now and then.  So sue me.  But, don't.  That would be a ridiculous law suit.

(Kr)  You think I'd approach you before I contacted my lawyer?  Expect a call.

Don't Wash, Cringe, Repeat

(Ke)  I'm going to try to nap. By the way, this is what I look like right now.  In from of my son.  A human child.

(Kr)  I haven't washed my hair in 4 days.  So.....  Dry shampoo is genius.  Genius.

(Ke)  Genius at making you believe your hair is clean.

(Kr)  It is!  Take your nap!!

For (Ce)real?

(Ke)  I don't feel like cereal anymore.

(Kr)  That is most unfortunate.  Especially because I really wanted cereal.

(Ke)  Go ahead.  It doesn't affect your cereal.

(Kr)  It does physically.

(Ke)  I can't talk about poop.  I can't talk about ants.  What can I talk about?

(Kr)  Oy!  You've got a full parade there.

(Ke)  Oh, it's a regular Macy's Day.

Joedonna

(Ke)  I asked Joe to throw in a load of whites and he said , "Papa don't bleach".

(Kr)  Oh boy . . .

(Ke)  That didn't happen.  What did happen was Joe telling me to text that to you.

(Kr)  I don't know which is worse.  Or best.

MacKelster

(Ke)  I thought I had a pretty good handle (pardon the pun) on my Swiffering strength but apparently I worked it too hard.

(Kr)  It's the blue wire!  Don't cut the red one!!  (I've just always wanted to say that.)

(Ke)  Too late.  Demolition has inadvertently begun on the kitchen.

What To Expect . . .

(Ke)  A woman at Trader Joe's just told her daughter to button her pants when she came out of the restroom then asked her if she washed her hands.  She said no and the woman was cool with it.  She was too busy texting to care about her daughter's grubby little hands.

(Kr)  Motherhood sounds like a breeze.  You make little people and then either boss them around or ignore them.

(Ke)  It's a perfect combo.  And I don't even have to get dressed up.  Or dressed.

(Kr)  Sounds like marriage.  Bah dum bum.  I mean, am I right ladies?

Babytraz

(Ke)  I think the purpose of the breathable bumpers has been defeated.

(Kr)  That Bronxy is a real problem solver/maker.

(Ke)  They are somehow making him even more mobile in his crib. They are magical. He could not be less interested in taking a nap now.

(Kr)  He wants to run free from that wooden prison.

(Ke)  He gets three squares a day and plenty of rec time.  What else does he want?

The Light Crystal

(Ke)  I've been using bobby pins the wrong way.  To be fair I only had a 50% chance of getting it right.

(Kr)  They're a modern mystery.

(Ke)  How did I just realize this after, oh, 30 or so years of using them?  Wait, now I'm not sure I'm using them wrong.  Which way is up?

(Kr)  I don't use them because of that very reason.  It's just too torturous.

(Ke)  Like this?

Or this?

Ok, you can't see the difference.  At all.

(Kr)  You're messing with my head.  In the most mundane way possible.

(Ke)  Which reminds me, I've been thinking I look like an elf when my hair is tucked behind my ear and Joe confirmed it yesterday, unprovoked.  Not unprovoked. What's the word?

(Kr)  Unprovoked.

(Ke)  Unsolicited.

(Kr)  We are both a little elfin.  Embrace it.

(Ke)  I didn't know!  Nobody told me!

(Kr)  It's better to find out on your own.  I must go sleepy bears now.  Love you.

(Ke)  Love you, Kira.

Accidental Demo

(Kr)  You just called me.  Did you realize?

(Ke)  No.  Was I singing about milkies?

(Kr)  You were singing about something.

(Ke)  How did I sound?

(Kr)  Very professional.

(Ke)  Oh, good.  That had potential to be really embarrassing.

Idol Chatter

(Kr)  Blake Shelton is a cutie.

(Ke)  He is.  I'm going to search for the first season of American Idol on You Tube.  I'm sure it's just as big of a spectacle except Ruben Studdard won't be there.  I don't care how many people had to die.  I think Spiderman is going to be good and I want to see it.

(Kr)  What did this American Idol reunion stem from?

(Ke)  I'm watching the season finale.

(Kr)  I'd make out with Adam Levine.

(Ke)  Um, duh.

(Kr)  The finale from this year?

(Ke)  Yep.  I'd only seen the results.  I wanted to get to the meat of it.  Il Volo weirds me out.

(Kr)  Didn't we talk Il Volo?

(Ke)  Yes, but I need to punctuate my feelings toward them.

(Kr)  They are strange to be sure.

(Ke)  I can't quite put my finger on it.  Something is awry.

(Kr)  It's glasses dude.  And they're all the same color.

(Ke)  It IS glasses dude.  Oh, please do yourself a favor and watch some season 1 American Idol.  There's not enough room for two hosts with Ryan Seacrests's frosty tips on the stage.  Remember when they could only choose from about 10 songs?

(Kr)  He was super frosty.

(Ke)  Dunkleman was in way over his head.

(Kr)  Brian Dumbkleman.  Am I right?

(Ke)  You're right.  You are right.  He's just sitting in Seacrest's blonde shadow.  Who's standing next to Carrie Underwood at the finale of season 4?

(Kr)  Is it Rascal Flatt's dude?

(Ke)  I meant the other contestant.  Please don't tell me you knew that from memory.

(Kr)  I just Googled American Idol season 4 Carrie.

(Ke)  You're on board.  Nice.

(Kr)  How would I look up what you're talking about?

(Ke)  My point is what happened to him?  And did Rascal Flatts get a chin tuck?

(Kr)  The runner up?

(Ke)  Yes.

(Kr)  Bo Bice?

(Ke)  Yes.

(Kr)  Oh, that's Bo Bice.

(Ke)  Thanks for clarifying.

(Kr)  You asked.

(Ke)  Like an hour ago.

(Kr)  Sorry I couldn't research your completely obscure reference more quickly.  I'm really getting a crush on Adam Levine.  Christian Slater powered.

(Ke)  Oh no.  Danger.  Danger!

Talons Of Talent

(Ke)  Paul Simon's fingernails are the most disgusting/well manicured I've ever seen.

(Kr)  I didn't look close enough.  What's disgusting?

(Ke)  Google them.

(Kr)  I can't find a good picture.  Ewwww.  Found a picture.  So ladylike.

(Ke)  Yet werewolf like.

(Kr)  I guess being a werewolf gets ya paid.

(Ke)  I could see them when he was on SNL.  I so wanted them to be yellow and nasty.  I really don't know which is creepier.

Freudian Compl(t)ex(t)

(Ke) We are going to eat our second burger of the fat.  Hahahahah.  Day.  God bless autocorrect.

(Kr)  It's subconscious correct.

It's The Simple Things

(Kr)  When I don't put pressure on myself to look cute, packing is a whole lot easier.

Veggie Tales From The Crypt

(Kr)  People who bring oatmeal raisin cookies to a party deserve death, right?

(Ke)  That's a bit extreme.  It's people who bring veggie trays that deserve death.

Pho Sure

(Kr)  Just had the tastiest pho.  You would have approved.

(Ke)  I always approve tasty pho.

(Kr)  And I approve this (text) message.

But I Play One On TV

(Kr) Does the saying go, "strike while the iron's hot" or "if an iron falls of a shelf and strikes you on the head, go directly to the emergency room"? I can't remember because an iron fell on my head.

(Ke) I think you're ok as long as the iron's not hot, but I'm not a doctor. As evidenced by my obvious lack of medical school.

I Just Need To Grab Some Toothpaste. And A Friend.

(Kr)  We were at Walgreen's and the checkout lady, who was in her 50s, badgered a customer, who was in his 20s, into giving her his name so she could "ask for his friendship on the Facebook". It was the best thing I'd ever witnessed.

(Ke)  Did he do it?  Please tell me she was that persuasive.

(Kr)  He did.  To be fair, I didn't see what went down up to the point where she was asking him very loudly to spell his last name.  But he was super reluctant.  I see a lot of poking in his future.

(Ke)  Yet he did it.  No matter how crazy she is that's the best part of the story.

And The Loser Is....

(Ke)  I think history has shown that the worst/most inaccurate thing you can say after being voted off any talent related reality show is "America hasn't seen the last of me".

(Kr)  Oh, you see them again.  On Celebrity Rehab.

Poopcorn! Get Your Fresh Hot Poopcorn!

(Ke)  Bronx's diaper sometimes smells like movie theater popcorn.  Mmmmm...buttery goodness.  That smell usually goes hand in hand with large amounts of poop.  Talk about summer blockbuster!

(Kr)  I think I'll wait for that one to come out on DVD.  Or cable, even.

(Ke)  You have to see it in the theater.  It's 3D.

Rabbit Punch

(Ke)

(Kr)  If I don't kiss that face soon, I'm going to punch something.  Maybe even a bunny.  Do you want that on your conscience?

(Ke)  Believe it or not, I've had worse things on my conscience.

Face Off

(Kr)  

(Ke)  Cute dog and WHERE'S MY FACE?!

(Kr)  Oh, you're a smeary-faced ghost.  You didn't know? 

The Domino's Effect

(Ke)  You didn't ask me how my orange chicken was.

(Kr)  Oh, excuse me.  How was your orange chicken, me lady?

(Ke)  Think of the most interesting, tasty, worthwhile thing you've ever eaten.  Got it?

(Kr)  Ok, got it.  The food in my mind.

(Ke)  Now picture the exact opposite.  You'll see my orange chicken.  What was it, by the way?

(Kr)  It was a large Domino's pizza I devoured my freshman year of college.  Sure, I was alone and drunk and there was some crying, but it was delicious.  And you can't take that away from me.  I cried cheese tears.  And those are the most meaningful.

(Ke)  And the most painful.  Emotionally and physically.  Lots of goo.

(Kr)  It's just that the ducts aren't really made to allow for flowing cheese.

(Ke)  I ate a large Domino's pizza my freshman year.  I wasn't drunk or crying.  I was just a pig.  I thought it was such a treat to order pizza.  I felt so grown up.  That sounds really pathetic.

(Kr)  We both grew up that year.  About 40 pounds each.  We all have our pizza stories.  There's a million in this city.

(Ke)  I was also trying to grow my fried perm hair out freshman year.  It was not my best year physically.

(Kr)  I didn't want to wear short sleeves because my arms were so full of pizza dough and nachos.

(Ke)  I think all photographic evidence has been destroyed.

(Kr) Dammitzzz!!

(Ke)  Tank tops were my enemy.

(Kr)  There's one out there of me.  Floating on Facebook.  A gooey reminder of my former self.

(Ke)  Oh, I've seen it.

(Kr)  You could hide a newborn in my cheeks.

(Ke)  A couple of knockouts we were.

(Kr)  There's actually more than one, but there's a specific shot that captures my slovenly essence.

(Ke)  I like to refer to freshman year as the stout period.

(Kr)

I'm sure I consumed copious amounts of ranch dressing on the day this was taken.  That's a face only the self-serve ice cream machine could love.

(Ke)  Did you really need to send it twice?  I wish you had your glasses on.  I was making the transition from rayon to oversized flannel shirts.  Grunge was king and my waistline was nowhere to be found.

(Kr)  Every other picture of me from college is me in my pajamas or at a party with a Keystone Light.  Physical fitness was not of the utmost importance.  And my dedication to a high caloric intake, non-exercise lifestyle showed.

(Ke)  At least you had friends to take your picture.  This is where it takes a sad turn.  You worked hard.  Own it.  Frat parties really helped with that lifestyle.  I still have the smell of puke in my nose.  People lived there.  Humans!

(Kr)  Harshin' my mellow over here.

(Ke)  I had my own dorm room.  Two beds.  For one person.  Can you imagine?  Life was pret-ty sweet. Lap of luxury.

(Kr)

This happened.

(Ke)  Beyonce?  Is that you?

(Kr)  Note the Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt.  I thought it meant I'd been somewhere.

(Ke)  I think someone who went somewhere gave it to you.  I'm laughing so hard.  So many tears.  You're all dolled up from the neck up.  It's a second-hand mess everywhere else.  Were you under the impression that you were dressed up?  Like for public consumption?  Who can I thank for taking that picture?  Personally? With a heart felt handshake?

(Kr)  College friends who may not want to be identified.

Happy?

(Ke)  That I just peed the bed from laughing?  No.

(Kr)  What's in my hand?  It looks like a drink in an actual glass, but I don't remember drinking anything that year that wasn't in plastic or aluminum.

(Ke)  I'm going to guess gravy.  A nice steamy cup of it.

(Kr)  Har har.  I never drank gravy in the morning so there!

(Ke)  I really doubt this was morning.

(Kr)  Although I am in my jammies so it could be any time of day really.

(Ke)  Did you ever seen am before pm?

(Kr)  I used to set my alarm for breakfast, grab a few doughnuts and french toast, and go back to sleep.

(Ke)  Body by cafeteria.  Nothing like a good nap with a gut full of sugary starch.

(Kr)  There were doughnuts!  As many as you wanted!  It's like a lullaby that grows on your thighs.  I majored in cellulite with a minor in muffin top.

(Ke)  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  Much more important than the 2 am cheese fries. But those do have their purpose.

(Kr)  I kind of had a muffin top neck.  Cheese fries have saved my life.  Don't go baggin' on cheese fries.  I'm hungry.

(Ke)  I'm right there with ya.  Cheese fries are a very important part of a college kid's diet.

(Kr)  I've dipped pizza in ranch.  Not trying to be cool but if that makes me sound cool, so be it.

(Ke)  They don't come much cooler.

(Kr)  I don't think I drank water that year.  At all.  That is frightening.

(Ke)  Water was for suckers.  You got all you needed from beer.

(Kr)  This is how my year started.  Bleary-eyed?  Sure.  Naive?  You could say that.  But, with only one chin.

(Ke)  You sure are.  You definitely look like someone who needs glasses.  You're all cross-eyed.  I think you should get that hair back.

(Kr)  If I let my hair dry naturally, it's almost like a time machine coming from my follicles.

(Ke)  I've fallen asleep twice so I guess it's bedtime.  Night night.  Love you.

(Kr)  Ok.  Night night.  Love you.

Mr. Jones, 'Round Here We Use Soap

(Kr)  Adam Duritz sighting.

(Ke)  I'm sorry.  Are you ok?

(Kr)  It was rough.  He's actually pretty handsome.  Enough with the dreads already.

(Ke)  Where did you fall in love?

(Kr)  Right outside the Arclight.  Hunger may have played a role.

(Ke)  Have you been tossing a few back?

(Kr)  He walked by again.  I'm taking back my original statement.  Except for the dreads part.  That stands.

(Ke)  Please don't let your blood sugar get that low.

(Kr)  I'm on the Duds so I should be cool.

(Ke)  What are you going to see?  Or are you just hanging out at the Arclight looking for celebrities?

(Kr)  I'm going to see The Tree of Life.  Marc peed next to him.  He didn't wash his hands.  But he washed his hair in the sink.

(Ke)  Oh, good.  I was worried he was disgusting.

So, It's Come To This

(Kr)  I couldn't get a package open and I turned to Hammer and said, "Annoying, right?".  What?

(Ke)  I've confided in my dogs about many things.  They know all my secrets and frustrations, no matter how big or small.

(Kr) This is so very sad for the both of us.

Deuxmento

(Kr)  I cannot impress upon you enough the sheer elation I just experienced upon discovering I had seven Trader Joe's dark chocolate peanut butter cups in my purse.   I seriously doubt I'll ever be that happy again.

(Ke)  I am really excited for you and super sad for myself that I'm so excited.  There's always tomorrow when you can put eight in there.

(Kr)  Its not about putting them in there.  It's about forgetting I put them in there and then discovering them.

(Kr)  But, you can't forget you put them in there if you don't actually put them in there.  How can I make that more clear?

The Most Secret Secret Ever Secreted

(Ke)  I learned something very valuable about myself.

(Kr)  Oh, boy.  Do fill me in.

(Ke)  You sound judgmental.  I don't know that I should.

(Kr)  I'm constantly judging.  Constantly.

(Ke)  I'm trying to open up and you're making it really hard.

(Kr)  But I judge myself, too, so it's ok.

(Ke)  Now it just seems silly.

(Kr)  Are you being serious?  I feel bad.  I thought you were joking.

(Ke)  I just realized I don't like cheddar cheese on cold sandwiches.  Do you know how long it took me to admit that?  It's not a joke.

(Kr)  You jerk.

(Ke)  Great.  Now I feel bad.

(Kr)  Now I hope that's all you are forced to eat for eternity.

Yumento

(Kr)  You should have Marc season all your movie snacks if you like popcorn with your flavored butter.

(Ke)  Joe would be happy to share that with him.

(Kr)  I also met my sodium intake for life.

(Ke)  Just balance it out with a shitload of sugar.

(Kr)  Oh, I did.  I ate Milk Duds like they were....well, Milk Duds.

(Ke)  When you're not there I eat a whole box by myself.  That's why I need you.

(Kr)  Now you're just making me sad.  That you're expecting me to share.

(Ke)  You don't have to.  I'll just sit in the back row and stuff my face by myself like a common pig.

(Kr)  Don't be hard on yourself.  You're not common.

(Ke)  You're right.  I'm an extraordinary pig.  The Charmingly Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies from Trader Joes are absolutely that.

(Kr)  It's just that I'm so full of chocolate and now you're talking chocolate.

(Ke)  I literally have to remind myself that I've had dessert or I will eat more dessert an hour later.

(Kr)  I, too, have short-term dessert memory.

I'm Only Teething, Silly

(Ke)  I think Bronx is teething.

(Kr)  Really?  What's he doing?

(Ke)  Drooling, chewing on his hand, being crabby.

(Kr)  That's exactly what I looked like at the gym just now.

(Ke)  Sounds like you had a great workout.  I'd like to see more crying next time.

(Kr) Oh, there were tears.

Blood Sister

(Kr)  What's happening?  Are you ok?  I'm worried.  Text me back.

(Ke)  Sorry.  Pam got here and I ate.  I'm fine.  My finger is still bleeding.

(Kr)  Ok.  Just wanted to make sure you're ok.

(Ke)  Thanks.  I don't think I need stitches.  It's just bleeding like a mother.

(Kr)  Gosh, don't go bleeding to death.  I need you for the blog.

(Ke)  For you, I live.  The biggest challenge so far was not bleeding on my sandwich.

(Kr)  So brave.

(Ke)  I keep trying to take a picture but it's bleeding too much.  Perhaps a picture shouldn't be my first priority.

(Kr)  Just prop the video camera up and I'll watch it bleed.

(Ke)  Don't think I haven't tried.

I've Had It Up To The Hilton

(Ke)  Joe and I are about to watch Paris Hilton on Piers Morgan.  She's on with her mom.  I can not wait.

(Kr)  Oh, boy.  That's going to be a mind f.

(Ke)  I do love Piers Morgan but he interrupts more than Oprah.

(Kr)  You love Pierce Morgan?

(Ke)  No, I love Piers Morgan.

(Kr)  Oh, gee.  Sorrrrryyyyyy.

(Ke)  It's ok.  Just be careful next time.  Paris Hilton has zero emotion.  Absolutely no affect.

(Kr)  She's the best.  At being the worst.

(Ke)  And my neck is getting a crick just looking at her.

An Engaging Conversation

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Just out on the town.

(Kr)  Oh, now my night just seems boring.  I bought a new bag.  You like?



(Ke)  Loves it.

(Kr)  It's got three handles.  Can you tell?

(Ke)  No, but I love it just the same.

(Kr)  Marc bought it for me.  He said he'd w"ring" my neck if I don't use it.  Ahem . . . Ahemmmmmm . . .

(Ke)  Uh oh.

(Kr)  He wants me to wear it forever.

(Ke)  Ok.

(Kr)  He even got down on one knee.

(Ke)  What?!?

(Kr)  Geesh.  I'd given up on ya there for a second.

(Ke)  Holy shit!!  Oh my god!!

(Kr)  I know!  It's going to hold all my keys and lipsticks and everything!!

(Ke)  Kreets, you goofy bastard.

(Kr)  That's Mrs. Kreets, if you're nasty.

(Ke)  Send me a better picture.

(Kr)



It sparkles like a million unicorn tears.  On a billion unicorn eyelashes.

Tepid Runnings

(Ke)  Uh oh.  Cool Runnings is on.  I'll be unavailable for a while doing anything besides watching Cool Runnings.

(Kr)  Please keep me posted.

(Ke)  I don't believe that was sincere.  Update: I'm watching Cool Runnings.

I Was Like Baby, Baby, Baby Oh My God!

(Ke)  Why would you say "Hang in there" to anyone?  It's so condescending and all I can see is that damn cat hanging from a tree.

(Kr)  Why would you mention that cat before I got to sleep?  Have you any idea that nightmares you've just induced?  Maybe don't Google image "Hang in there".  There are scary babies.

(Ke)  Jesus!  Why would you do that?  Tell me that's not a baby.

(Kr)  That's what the internet told me but the internet lies sometimes.  And uses trickery.

(Ke)  That picture literally took my breath away.

(Kr)   It's breathtaking.  In a way you did this to yourself.  Nighty night.  I gotta saw some logs.  I mean those logs are pilin' up like woah.

(Ke)  I gotta hit the hay.  That hay needs to be smacked.  Love you.  Thank you in return for the nightmare.

(Kr)  Hey, anytime.  Love you.

Bar-B-Que The Pity Party

(Kr)  What doing?

Several hours later . . .


(Ke)  Sorry.  Just saw this.  Was at a BBQ.

(Kr)  Oh, that's just fine.  I'll just sit around and wait for you while you do your fun stuff.

I Don't Want My MTV

(Kr)  Two questions:  1)  Why are the MTV Movie Awards so awkward and 2)  why on earth am I watching the MTV Movie Awards ?

(Ke)  I will probably watch them but I'll be embarrassed for myself the entire time.

It's So Indulgent To Say Goodbye

(Ke)  I sat down to watch Oprah and Joe yelled from the other room, "Wait, I want to see it!".  He sat down next to me and said, "This is part one of the two-day surprise show, right?".  He's really upset that her staff thinks they can surprise her.

(Kr)  I miss all the great Joe lines.  Tell him to save some of the genius for when he's here.  I need entertainment.

(Ke)  He'll never run out.  Oh, shit!  The Grobanator.  Madonna seems to have lost her accent.  It's like we're back in the 80s.

(Kr)  Do I have a perm in this scenario?

(Ke)  Yes, but it'll relax soon.

(Kr)  It always did.  That's why I asked for the tiniest curlers possible.  I just wanted perfect ringlets ala Nicole Kidman in Dead Calm.  Is that so unfathomable, hair?

(Ke)  It was always rough those first few days but then as soon as you washed it, it was gone too soon.  Tom Cruise has not left Oprah's side.

(Kr)  RIP tiny curls.  This sounds like an episode I need to see.  Are they filming straight from the Scientology building?

(Ke)  I think I saw Jason Lee so yes.  Oh, snap!  Beyonce in the house!  I misspoke.  Sasha Fierce!

(Kr)  Are you covering this event for Tiger Beat?

(Ke)  Joe just said, "I officially can't deal with Tom Cruise".   Speaking of Nicole Kidman, I hope she shows up.  Aaawkwaaaard.  My guess is she'll be there tomorrow.  I hate myself.

(Kr)  Can we please start a section of the blog that just has Joe quotes?

(Ke)  It'll be a whole new blog.  He just said Dakota Fanning's dress is "sick".

(Kr)  For realskies?

(Ke)  He just guessed the next guest will be Tina Turner.

(Kr)  Ok, it's getting nuts over there.

(Ke)  He also said it would be a sick favorite things episode.  Expensive.  He's busting out the "Uh huh, girlfriend".

(Kr)  I cannot express how badly I want to be in the room with him right now.

(Ke)  The gold never stops coming.

(Kr)  Can't you video this spectacle?

(Ke)  He'd love that.  I'm just blown away by how aware he is of the show.  Not just tonight but the whole season.

(Kr)  I have no real interest in watching Oprah but I'd watch Joe watch Oprah all day.

Can I Axe You Why Your Hair Smells So Manly?

(Ke)  I'm out of shampoo so I used Joe's Axe.  That shit is not one little bit unisex.  I'm pure man from the scalp up.  My hair wants to watch sports and I think it just asked my ears out.  I guess it's into twins.

(Kr)  It's just overwhelmed by the testosterone.  Give it an hour.  If it doesn't calm down throw a drink it it's face/scalp.

(Ke)  I think I'll stick to water.  Throwing alcohol at it will create a need to wash it again, which brings me back to square one.  That's just what it wants.

Socks It To Me

(Ke)  Joe was putting Bronx's socks on and said, "I hate putting on his socks", to which I responded, "You better get used to it.  You're going to be doing it the rest of your life."  He said, "Um, no I won't."  I was getting annoyed then realized he's right.  I guess at some point he will be able to put his own socks on.

(Kr)  You guys are having quite the Bronx socks day.  You only have to pay for him and his socks for the rest of your lives.  He'll be able to put them on himself in a couple of years.

(Ke)  Not necessarily.  I need to read up on child labor laws.

Cat(theter) Fight

(Kr)  Wanna Skype later?  9:30ish?

(Ke)  Can you do earlier?  Bronx will probably be in bed.

(Kr)  Not home until then.

(Ke)  Where are you going that's so cool?

(Kr)  At Wokano.

(Ke)  Auntie Jess wants to Skype, too.  He's very popular.

(Kr)  Guess so.  Put us on the list.

(Ke)  Ok, let me know when you're home and I'll see if he's available.

(Kr)  Marc wants to try out Skype on his new tablet thingy.  So, if Bronx is asleep, maybe we can Skype you and Joey.

(Ke)  Ok, I should probably be awake.  I can't promise anything for Joe.  Are you having that delicious salad without me?

(Kr)  Yes.  I did.

(Ke)  Not cool.

(Kr)  Good news is, there will be plenty at the party next weekend.

(Ke)  I'm going to sit in the corner and eat it without you.

(Kr)  I'll sit in the opposite corner and eat it without you so meh.

(Ke)  Whatever. I'll be eating two wontons.  I don't need you.

(Kr)  Oh, wontons?  I just had six.  Booyaw!!

(Ke)  He's asleep.

(Kr)  Ok.  You still wanna Skype?

(Ke)  Sure.

(Kr)  Marc just wants to check out his tablet.

(Ke)  I don't need an explanation again.

(Kr)  Shove it up your dick.

(Ke)  Not again.

Reach For The Fallen Stars

(Kr)  My day so far: woke up at 11, at some Greek yogurt and blueberries in bed, watched Have You Heard About the Morgans, fell bank asleep until 5.

(Ke)  Don't forget spelling "back" wrong.

(Kr)  I don't think there's any fear of me overachieving today.  Or achieving.

(Ke)  It doesn't sound like you're even underachieving.  Under, underachieving at best.

Alley Oops, I Can't Fix This Text

(Ke)  Our garbage pail kid.

(Kr)  That's disturbing, but he's in prime alley oop position, so respect to your and yours.

(Ke)  He's out little Kobe Bryant.  He He's prime scraps.  I don't have any idea what I was trying to say there.  Autocorrect took that sentence somewhere it can't come back from.

Must(ard) You?

(Ke)  I was so tempted to send you a picture of Bronx's diarrhea.  Haha.  That was the best auto correct ever.  I meant diaper.  It literally looked like a whole bottle of French's yellow mustard exploded in it.

(Kr)  It's almost like you're trying to sabotage my appetite forever.

Silly Retort(oise)

(Ke)  How?

(Kr)  Maybe it's a family of tortoises. 

(Ke)  It's probably still in the house.  Save your money.  Look harder. 

Wiigin' Out

(Ke)  Hi, Kreets.  Just watched Bridesmaids.  Hilarity.

(Kr)  Oh, hello.  I was hoping it wouldn't suck.

(Ke)  Joe is going on and on about his Kristin Wiig crush.

(Kr)  Uh oh.  What about Kesha?

(Ke)  Who?

(Kr)  Oops.  Ke$ha.

(Ke)  Oh, her.  I guess he moved on because he just hasn't heard a song from her lately.

(Kr)  He's finicky.

(Ke)  Just forgetful.

Splatula

(Ke)  I told Joe if he kills two flies I'd give him a treat but I have to see corpses.  So this is sitting in the kitchen.

(Kr)  What's the treat?

(Ke)  I don't know.  I just said it.  Nothing if he doesn't get that second fly.

(Kr)  A treat promise without a treat in mind?  Dangerous territory.

(Ke)  The fly is eluding him hardcore.  I'm not worried.

(Kr)  He's a samurai with ninja focus.  I'd get to thinkin' on that treat.

(Ke)  He is not asleep on the couch.  Again, not worried.  Shit!  He just woke up and apparently the fly fell asleep.

(Kr)  Reversal!  Classic Joe.

(Ke)  He was so focused straight out the gate.

(Kr)  He.  Will.  Get.  That.  Fly.

(Ke)  The deed is done.  The carcass is in the garbage.  And we are now down one spatula.  I will never use that thing again.

U2 Look A Lot Alike

(Kr)  Go ahead.  Look up pictures of Bono without sunglasses.

(Ke)  Pin dot eyes?

(Kr)  It's just middle aged manville.

(Ke)  It's Robin Williams.

(Kr)  Spot on.

(Ke)  I have wondered why I've never seen them together.

Orange You Glad It's Just A Dream

(Kr)  I had a dream last night that Bronx was walking and talking but still looked like he does now.  The next part is either adorable or frightening:  he was wearing an orange jumpsuit.  But it was hooded, so I don't think it means he grows up to do hard time.  Just soft hooded time.

(Ke)  It's frightening because I don't think his skin tone can support orange.  I would like to know what his voice sounded like.  Was he bow legged?  Pigeon toed?

(Kr)  He was just a joy.  A real treat.  For realsies, he was super cute.  He was holding my hand so....

(Ke)  You're not taking him!

(Kr)  Fine!