Monday, July 30, 2012

Exer-size Your Demons

(Kr)  Do you find it ironic that the word "size" is stealthily hidden in the word "exercise".  Sure, the spelling is different, but the phonetic intention to taunt me is still there.

(Ke)  Why does it automatically have to mean large?  Why can't it be small size?

(Kr)  Because it's judging me!!

New Additions

(Ke)


(Kr)  Nourish those baby hairs.

(Ke)  They are on a strict diet of prenatal vitamins and Pureology Essential Repair until they grow big and strong. I'm can't wait for them to turn 4 inches. It's going to be an exciting day.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Just Browsin'

(Ke)  Colorin' the ol' hair.  And eyebrows.




(Kr)  Speechless.  Except for this:




(Ke)  End Result:



(Kr)  Dammit!  Now, you're prettier than me.  Go back to being a creepy happy face.





Friday, July 27, 2012

No Soup For You!!

(Ke)  I got out of Trader Joe's and realized there was a box of soup in the stroller that I didn't pay for.  Am I horrible if I don't go back in?

(Kr)  I'd say that's the equivalent of breaking half of a mirror in bad luck/karma terms.  Maybe half of a compact mirror.  Can you live with that?

(Ke)  I just won't eat the soup.  That will even it out.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Movie "Snack"

(Ke)  Not even feigning any butter content.



(Kr)  It's coming from a metal dispenser.  I'm not convinced it even contains "topping".  Don't forget to add salt "flavoring".

(Ke)  These will be delicious additions to my "popcorn".





Nailed To The Wall

(Ke)  This is hanging in the bathroom of my nail salon as if to say "Shhhhhh.  Don't tell anyone we have this sign hanging in our bathroom".




(Kr)  Make it stop!

(Ke)  It won't.  I asked.

(Kr)  So.  Much.  Red.

(Ke)



(Kr)  Aaaagh!  More red!  You just had to, didn't you?

(Ke)  I did.

Hobosapien

(Kr)  Not unlike a hobo, most of my underwear currently have holes in them.

(Ke)  Have they been washed?  That's the real hobo test.

(Kr)  A hobo never tells.

(Ke)  He doesn't need to.  It's usually pretty evident.

(Kr)  You ride the rails all day, and we'll see what your underwear status is.

(Ke)  If, god forbid, I'm ever riding said rails, you'll be the first to know about the state of my undergarments.  And that's a promise.

(Kr)  Other than the occasional telegram asking me to wire you money, I doubt we'll be in contact at that point.  So you can just null and void that promise.

(Ke)  Can I send you a telegram now to send me money?

(Kr)  Typical bourgeois hobo.


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Registered Pet Pretender

(Kr)  There was a little boy at the Cheesecake Factory with a blow-up dog, ya see.

(Ke)  Mmmmmhmmmmm . . .

(Kr)  He was playing with it and I thought I'd have a fun moment with him and make him feel special like his puppy was real.  What kid doesn't like that, right?

(Ke)  Right, right . . .

(Kr)  So, I said, "Can I pet your doggy?", expecting him to engage me and share the puppy's name and all that.  In my head, it was going to be adorable.

(Ke)  Still with ya . . .

(Kr)  He screams, "NO!!" at the top of his lungs and looks at his parents like I was trying to kidnap him.  So, basically, I'm the resident creepy plastic-puppy petter.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Ya Winfrey Some, Ya Lose Some

(Kr)  Honestly, do you think Tyler Perry will ever stop making Madea movies?  I'm trying to make a life plan and my future happiness depends on the answer to this question.

(Ke)  Never.  You'll lead an unhappy life.  Sorry.

(Kr)  Wow.  No false hope, huh?  So, unrelated, how do you tie a slip knot?  Asking for a friend.

(Ke)  Nope.  He's got Oprah on his side.  You take the two ends and loop  . . . wait a minute . . .

(Kr)  Is Oprah still a thing?

(Ke)  According to her.

(Kr)  Then it's debatable.  (Oprah's not reading these texts, is she?  I just got the fear of god/Oprah that this could get back to her.)

(Ke)  Oops.  (I mean Opes.)