Techmexicolor Yawn

(Ke) I think there must be more onomatopoeic synonyms for throwing up than for any other word: barf, vomit, hurl, spew. And with that I bid you good night.

(Kr) That's beautiful. On that note, no matter the time of day there will always be somebody behind you in the Taco Bell drive-thru

(Ke) This initially seemed off topic but Taco Bell, and most items on the menu, are pretty synonymous with throwing up.

Cavity Search

(Ke) Irony (n): falling asleep with a cough drop in one's mouth, thereby burning a hole in one's throat, resulting in the most painful sore throat imaginable.

(Kr) Look on the bright side, I just had a dream you were going to get a perio-pregnancy test. Whatever that is, sounds uncomfortable. Like they'd be drilling from your bicuspids to your uterus.

(Ke) Why am I getting tests in your dream? Have your own uncomfortable made up dream tests! And I don't think you understand the concept of "bright side".

(Kr) I go back to nightnight now.

(Ke) I'm glad you can sleep. Thanks for the inevitable insomnia and ensuring I'll never visit the dentist or OGBYN again.

Jersey Bore

(Kr) Dear MTV, Stop giving the Jersey Shore cast spin-off shows.
Dear Me, Stop being aware of what MTV is doing.

(Ke) You should definitely be ashamed but as long as you don't know the schedules of VH1 or, god forbid, E!, you can still hold your head high-ish.

Just The Fat, Ma'am

(Ke) I took the ice cream out of the freezer, opened it, looked at the time, and put it back. I'm so proud of myself. I think I deserve a reward. Oooooh, Maybe some ice cream.

(Kr) Always reward yourself with what you've been depriving yourself. That's the model of every successful weight maintenance program. It's been the key factor in sustaining my extra 10 pounds.

Unexpected Expectorant

(Ke) What do you think of my sweet belt buckle?

(Kr) It's jammin'?

(Ke) I woke up at 2 coughing, then 4 with a sticky hand, confused. It wasn't until I was getting in the shower that I finally found my new bling/choking hazard.

Twisted Sister

(Kr)  TMC is airing a twin marathon. There are two with Bette Davis as twins.

(Ke)  Uplifting cinema to be sure.

(Kr)  Murdering. Identity stealing. Nothing I wouldn't do to you.

(Ke)  Duly noted.

(Kr)  But I'd do it with 1940's panache. So it's not creepy.

(Ke)  I've always thought myself Joan Crawford to your Bette Davis.

(Kr)  I've always thought you Bette Davis to my Bette Davis.

(Ke)  The only person afraid of Bette Davis is Bette Davis.

(Kr)  Of course the dog can tell the difference between them, but the husband is completely fooled.

(Ke)  Dogs are smart and husbands not very observant. A fact that still holds true 70 years later. Catch up.

(Kr)  I've only been married a year, so. . .

(Ke)  You'll figure it out.

(Kr)  I want somebody to turn the lamps on for me before I enter the room. Bette Davis and Bette Davis have that and I want it too!

(Ke)  I'm sure there are college students looking for unpaid internships that benefit neither themselves, anything or anyone but you.

(Kr)  They're all hired.

Not Your Grammar's Cooking

 (Ke)

Prepositions are excellent for puncturing. 

(Kr)  I just used an "upon" the other day to poke a hole in a theory.

(Ke)  Trader Joe's Butter Chicken With Basmati Rice meal box editor, I'm sorry but you're fired. 

(Kr)  If you have power at Trader Joe's, how about using it for free peanut butter cups?

(Ke)  I don't need any more peanut butter cups, free or otherwise. Ever. For at least a week. 

(Kr)  Oh, we're not talking about for you. 

(Ke)  If I had real power I would make the carts bigger. I can't even fit a two year old, a four month old in a car seat and $200 worth of groceries. Come on!  I shouldn't have to stack my frozen meat on my infant daughter. Give me some room. I have to say, though, that I prefer an unconventional oven. One that isn't afraid to wear white after Labor Day. 

Heart Attack Snack

(Ke) A guy just came out of the gas station with a tall can of Mt. Dew, Toll House ice cream cookie sandwich and a pack of smokes. My afternoon now seems so boring. Healthy but boring.

(Kr) I just got diabetes by proxy. I can't judge, though. Minus the cigarettes, that was my dream lunch in sixth grade.

(Ke) Everyone has to have a dream. I don't get the impression too many of this guy's have come true.

(Kr) He has a sandwich made up of ice cream and cookies. He doesn't need dreams. And I guess you say "smokes" now. I thought that was reserved for inmates and bar flies.

(Ke) Wow, it's like you can see him from 400 miles away.

Mid-Run Crisis

(Kr)

 How appropriate. My 39 year old body is holding my 35 year old body hostage while on this run. Send inhalers! This bitch is crazy!

(Ke) Pay generously with hill sprints and get that body back. It's worth it.