Sc(n)ave(l)nger Hunt

(Ke)  I just took a long, hard look at my belly button.  I won't do that again.

(Kr)  What'd ya find?

(Ke)  I found that I'm grossed out by looking at my stretched belly button.

(Kr)  You didn't find lint or change or old ham or anything?

(Ke)  Nothing.  Total rip off.

Urine Big Trouble

(Ke)  We went to breakfast and when we came home I noticed a few pee spots on the carpet near the shelf.  Upon further inspection I realized that Mom and Dad's dog had lifted his leg on the picture of us when we were little.  I guess he hates it.

(Kr)  Jerkface.  The first time I tried to type jerkface it auto-corrected to heritage.  Very apropo.

Thug Lifesaver

(Kr)  Marc thinks he may be getting the flu.

(Ke)  Oh no.  Is Christmas doomed?

(Kr)  I hope not.  I'm getting my Z Pac filled tomorrow.  This is not happening to The Kreets.  *finger snap*

(Ke)  I read this as 2 Pac.  That would be awesome to get that filled.

(Kr)  "How do ya want it?  How do you feel?".  Very fitting lyrics.

Row, Row, Row Your House

(Kr)  If my building floats away with all this rain, will our renter's insurance cover that?

(Ke)  Nope.  You have to get apartment floating away insurance.

(Kr)  I won't be mad if we float to Hawaii.

(Ke)  Mai Tais for Christmas.

(Kr)  My Tais, your tais, everyone's tais.  But if we land in Florida I'ma be mad.

(Ke)  That would be a long float.

(Kr)  Drive down to Texas.  We'll pick you up on our way.  That might be bad geography, but in a world where apartment buildings float, nobody will call me out on it.

(Ke)  You pulled out a map, didn't you?

(Kr)  I did not, but your accusing me of pulling out a map make me think I'm right.

(Ke)  Don't ask me.  I suck at geography and figured you did, too.

A (S)mug Of Hot Cocoa or Jealousy Is A Drink Best Served Hot And Chocolatey

(Ke)  This is not an ad for Trader Joe's but I'm just trying to show you how simple it is to make hot chocolate at home.

(Ke)  Voila!  Christmas mug sold separately.

(Kr) It's also simple to say "medium hot chocolate, please". 

(Ke)  Don't you mean grande?  All I'm saying is you're there dreaming about it and I'm here living it. 

(Kr)  A small part of me is jealous.  But the bigger part remembers I have dark chocolate peanut butter cups in my fridge. 

(Ke)  A small part?  Ok, I'm gonna be real honest and tell you that I didn't get it mixed well enough and the bottom was sludgy, rendering the last 1/16 undrinkable.  But up until that point I was quite satisfied with my tasty homemade treat. 

(Kr)  I feel vindicated. 

(Ke)  That was operator error and a rookie mistake but that doesn't take away from the deliciousness of it as a whole.  

Merlotivated

(Kr)  It's ok to go to the gym with red wine stains on your lips from the night before, right?

(Ke)  Everyone will be really impressed with your ambition but disgusted with your obvious lack of hygiene.

(Kr)  I only care about the impressed part.  As long as something is half impressive I'm cool with that.

(Ke)  Consider yourself a success...kind of.

Picture Imperfect

(Ke)  Monday:  court.  Tuesday:  social security office.  Today:  DMV.  Please don't envy me.  There is a woman sitting next to me who is talking to the guy across from her.  It seems like they are divorced and she just keeps talking at him.  He could not be more disinterested, which makes two of us, but it doesn't remotely bother her.  She will talk to him about anything:  making grilled cheese, the fact that she drinks tea now instead of coffee.  She's talking to him like he's her best friend and he just shakes his head.  I wish I could take a video.  This dynamic is something to behold.  He could tell  her to fuck off and she would just tell him what movie she watched last night.  Nothing upsets or offends her.  Now the kid on the other side of me is singing Yiddish songs at an inappropriate volume.

(Kr)  What?!  I do envy you.  On a different note, Vanessa Hudgens is pretty, but all I can think about is diapers when I see her.  Hudgens reminds me of Huggies which leads me to diapers.  Vanessa Diapers.

(Ke)  On a related note, Zac Efron is single.

(Kr)  On a semi-related note, I'm hungry.  Zac Efron is yummy and I like yummy things, which reminded me I'm hungry.  Bam!  Semi-related.   On another semi-related note, I dislike using the word yummy to describe people.  I'm ashamed.  I wish I could eat my shame.  I'd be super duper full.

(Ke)  Well, I'll let it slide although I'm pretty ashamed, too.  Back to the original topic, I am not excited that I had to get a new picture for my driver license.

(Kr)  Because you're fat...I mean, pregnant?  Wink, wink Martindale.

(Ke)  Did not do my hair.  No makeup.  Not cool.

(Kr)  You've had many years of unreasonably pretty ID pictures.  Time to join the rest of us.  Pull it together, Kirby.

(Ke)  Oh, well.  It'll expire in 39 years.

(Kr)  39 years?

(Ke)  Sorry, 29.

(Kr)  Oh, tooooooootally different.  You won't even be able to drive then.  Or see.  Or walk.  Or eat on your own.  I just depressed myself when I remembered we were twins.

(Ke)  The age joke backfire.

(Kr)  We'll still be rockin' that clutch, or something cool like that that only cool people would say.

(Ke)  I don't get the new picture requirement.  I'm not a different person than I was a year ago.  "I'm sorry, this picture doesn't accurately represent you since you changed your name."

(Kr)  That is obnoxious.  Did you arm wrestle the DMV clerk?  That usually works.

Delicious Emergency

(Kr)  We are in the Krispy Kreme drive-thru getting a sampling of doughnuts.  Right after we got Frosties. ReerrrEeeeeeeeeeWwwwwUnneededsssseessssssrsszdtttttttttssswwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweerrwswwwwwwrererrrrrrrrrrreeeewws.

(Ke)  I'm disappointed not to see Baskin Robbins on that list.  I'm assuming that was a pocket text or you just had some kind of sugar seizure.

(Kr)  It was 3rd runner up.  Call 911.  And tell them how delicious this Frosty is.

(Ke)  While I have them on the line I'll let them know I just put Afrin in my eye.

(Kr)  Oy!  Well, tell them my Frosty thing first.

(Ke)  I did.  Apparently they're stuck at the drive-thru because they're not here yet.

Full Court (Im)Press(ed)

(Ke)  I'm going to court today to get me first name legally changed.

(Kr)  Me name?  Are you a leprechaun?

(Ke)  I'm changing it to Shamus O'Donnell McIrish so I'll let you be the judge.  That's just the first name.  The Rae Lanphear will remain intact.

(Kr)  No Cassidy?

(Ke)  That comes next.  Haven't you ever heard the saying "First names first and last names last"?  It applies here.

(Kr)  If you're going to legally change the spelling of your first name why not change it altogether to Facesmasher Rae Lanphear or The Awesomeness Rae Lanphear?  This is your chance and you're, quite frankly, blowing it.

(Ke)  Where were you when I filed the petition 2 months ago?

(Kr)  Where I always am:  just hangin' out and bein' cool.

(Ke)  With suggestions like that I have no choice but to believe it.

(Kr)  Look, I'm just doin' what I do man.  Ya dig?

(Ke)  You went too far.  You know it.  I know it.  I'm trying to figure out what to wear.  What will say "do not even think about denying me my name change or I will cry in the middle of this courtroom" to the judge?

(Kr)  Pajamas with a top hat.  It says you're laid back with an air of sophistication.  You want him/her to take you seriously, right, Facesmasher?

(Ke)  I'm glad I asked.  I had on a pencil skirt with a sports bra.

(Kr)  Crisis averted.  You would have looked like a fool.  A real fool.

(Ke)  That outfit is more for a DUI hearing.  What was I thinking?

At the courthouse.....
(Ke)   I was so excited when there were only 4 of us here then all the laties walked in.  I might be here long enough for a costume change.

(Kr)  Dang!  You should have brought the sports bra.  Sporty and sophistication might have gotten you to the top of the list.

(Ke)  Maybe they'll take mercy on the pregnant lady and let me go first.

(Kr)  The court takes mercy on nobody!  I take nap now.

(Ke)  I might, too.  No one will notice.  The good news is I now know way too much about the people sitting next to and in front of me.

(Kr)  That's good news?

An hour later....
(Ke)  And we done.

(Kr)  Cool.  What'd you go with?

(Ke)  Kirby Rae Lanphear, after the Honorable Kirby Kongable.  He's my new hero.  He gets shit done in the courtroom.

(Kr)  Good to know ya, Kirbster.  I'm assuming that's the nickname we're going with?

(Ke)  I haven't thought too much about it but I think you nailed it.  Spread it around.

(Kr)  You haven't thought about it much?  You pick an awesome name like Kirby and you don't even consider the nicknames?  You're not worthy of the name.  How dare you?

(Ke)  The only ones that initially came to mind were Kick It To The Kirb, Kirbirator, Kirb Side Pick-up, and Kirbmeister.  Kirb Appeal is also in the running.  Other than that nicknames really didn't cross my mind.

(Kr)  Amateur.  I'm taking you back to that court and demanding you change your name back.

(Ke)  What is done can not be undone...unless you want to shell out $300.  Then it's no problem.

(Kr)  You're out of order.  This whole name change is out of order.  This whole court's out of order!

(Ke)  You're a chip off the ol' Kongable block.  That gavel I got you for Christmas is actually going to come in handy.

Joe Cassidy: Local Man of Non-Mystery

(Ke)  Joe is seriously quoting Austin Powers.  I am going to beat him.

(Kr)  On the head.  Beat him on the head.

(Ke)   He keeps saying he's "dead sexy" and for me to "get in his belly".  I told him to stop and he said, "Stop being evil?"

(Kr)  It's not too late to leave him.  It really isn't.

(Ke)  I could never.  He's far too entertaining.

Standing Boob Only

(Ke)  We're halfway through a breast feeding class.  Do you want the baby for the first 18 months?

(Kr)  Sure.  He will live on a steady diet of red wine, Pizza Hut, and love.

(Ke)  Nothing like holding a doll to your boob in front of 20 strangers.

(Kr)  You're right.  There is nothing like that.

(Ke)  You don't know!  You weren't there!

(Kr)  I was.  Third row back.  I knew that mustache and cowboy hat would render me unrecognizable.

(Ke)  You asked some really good questions.

(Kr)  I'm interested.

Instant Breadbowl, Just Add Soup

(Ke)  My armpits smell like sourdough.

(Kr)  Thank you for getting me off sourdough bread.  Forever.

Simply Dead

(Kr)  Every time I'm on hold with Walgreen's, "Holding Back the Years" comes on during the hold music. Every.  Time.

(Ke)  What's the message there?

(Kr)  That I'm getting old.  And I call Walgreen's way too much to ask about my prescriptions.

(Ke)  I didn't want to say it, but that would be my guess.  Maybe switch your prescriptions to Rite Aid.  They might have some better tunes that don't remind you that you're dying a little every day.

Oh, Solo Mealo

(Kr)  Two things:  1)  I'm going to a movie and the guy at the concession started my order while I was second in line.  I felt flirted with.  He was 18 at best and I don't care.  I felt pretty.  2)  If you go to the movie alone, use the bathroom first.  A chicken sausage on a public bathroom counter is just wrong.

(Ke)  What are you, new?  I learned that years ago after trying to hold popcorn and Milk Duds while peeing.  The real problem arises when the peeing ceases.  There's no way to avoid feeling disgusting.  And you are pretty.  Pretty much twice that kid's age.

Mind Over The Matter Of Doing Anything

(Ke)  I'm attempting the yoga DVD I bought, but just the thought of it makes me tired.  Thinking literally exhausts me.

(Kr)  Just do what I do:  don't think.  Act on instinct/premonitions/what the voices in your head tell you.

(Ke)  All three say sleep.

Cavalcade of Cavities

(Ke)  Joe brought this home for me.  Note the fork.  I already finished half the coffee cake before you got this.

(Kr)  Damn!  Mommy has a sweet tooth.  A whole mouth full o' sweet teeth.

(Ke)  And he just told me he's bringing home brownies.

(Kr)  Why is he shoving desserts down your face?

(Ke)  I guess I'm not heavy enough for him.  He forgets I have over a month left.  Let me get there.

My Milk Brings All The Babies To The Boob

(Ke)  I know this may be a lot to hear but some milk came out last night.  Joe got very excited.

(Kr)  It's only a little vomity.  But congratulations.

(Ke)  I'll be feeding babies in no time.

(Kr)  Just random babies?

(Ke)  Well, baby.  I'm not going to run around sticking my bazonga in other childrens' mouths.

(Kr)  Bazonga.  Poetry.  Def Jam Poetry, but poetry nonetheless.

Bisquit It

(Ke)  I hate the Bisquick commercial.  That woman's voice!

(Kr)  I'm out of the Bisquick loop.  I have no idea what you're talking about.

(Ke)  Be thankful.  She's nearly ruined pancakes for me.  And that's saying a lot.

(Kr)  She must sound like Truman Capote.  Or Phillip Seymour Hoffman playing Truman Capote.

(Ke)  You don't understand.  I'm not playing here.  I'm talking about pancakes.

Intense Thera(poo)py

(Ke)  I  went into the bathroom stall at work and there was one piece of poop.  Good sized.  No toilet paper whatsoever.  Somebody has either mastered the art of a real clean poop or they be real dirty and itchy.

(Kr)  Sounds like you might need some counseling.  That's a lot to witness.

(Ke)  I was an innocent bystander.

A Hug For A Pan

(Kr)  Mom and Dad are in Denver, which makes sense why they never called me back from their home phone when I called on Thanksgiving. . .  Are you there? . . . I doth not like being ignored!

(Ke)  They called me.  They said they were thankful for me and Kory, but I don't remember them mentioning you.

(Kr)  They just plain ol' forgot me.  But, we just got new pans, so I guess that makes up for it.

(Ke)  You always substitute love with cookware.

Ushering In The Lameness

(Kr)  I'm sure it has been an accurate description at some point in time, but I cannot get behind the phrase "Spooktacular".  Sorry, every haunted house ever made.

(Ke)  That word has destroyed Halloween the same way "hoppy" used as an adjective has ruined Easter.  It's a little bit off subject, but if I hear "staycation" one more time, I will have to hurt someone.

(Kr)  And even further off the subject, grown men shouldn't be allowed to say or write "OMG".  True or false?

(Ke)  Not according to Usher.

(Kr)  Usher:  Ruining things for tens of years.

(Ke)  I don't understand why he doesn't say God, but is ok with saying boobies.

(Kr)   Because he's talking about non-religious, man-made boobies.  What are ya, new?

(Ke)  When the "g" stands for "gosh", it's even less manly.  And the Nikon commercials with Ashton Kutcher only solidify my belief that he is an annoying douche.

(Kr)  Totally solidified.  He is the ice of douchery.

Pimp Limp

(Ke)  LEG CRAMP!!  Ok, it was 3 hours ago but the pain still lingers.  And by lingers I mean my leg fucking hurts.

(Kr)  I've had a lingering headache.  I'll gladly trade you.

(Ke)  You say that but you should know that my right leg is now 3 inches shorter than my left.  It does give me a cool limp.

(Kr)  I'd give just about anything for a cool limp.  Much respect.

(Ke)  That can be arranged. 

Graveyard Of Deflated Holiday Dreams

(Ke)  The following contains violent images not recommended for children.

(Kr)  I'm ready.

(Ke)  Bagged and tagged right in front of the Baby Jesus.  Mary and Joseph were helpless.

(Kr)  You need to get out of that neighborhood.  They are murdering Christmas.  A moment of silence for Frosty.........ok, that was a long enough moment.

(Ke)  Santa and Rudolph in one yard.

(Kr)  Serial killer.  How long until they profile this on Dateline?  As you know, I will record it.

(Ke)  That's not even the worst of it.

(Kr)  No!!!!  Don't show me.  Worse than Santa?  Santa, for god's sake?!

(Ke)  A second Mickey

(Kr)  Double Mickey?!  Did they actually go to Disneyland?  Monster!  Monster, I say!

(Ke)  What is Christmas trying to tell us?

(Kr)  From the way he fell, it looks like a 9 millimeter at close range.

(Ke)  You do watch too much Dateline...or just enough.

(Kr)  Look, I know an execution when I see it.  Mickey had some powerful enemies.  Mark my words.

(Ke)  Do you think Bugs Bunny is in on it?

(Kr)  You read my mind.  You just became deputy sheriff/jr. homicide detective/assistant district attorney/cartoon profiler.

(Ke)  My lifelong/just this second dream.

(Kr)  Don't sass me, boy!  I'll have you behind a desk faster than you can say "Ththththththththat's all folks!"

(Ke)  I'd kind of rather sit all day, anyway.

(Kr)  You wanna be pushin' papers or out in the field?!  Which is it?  Your instincts were off, anyway.  You don't have the nose or stomach for it.  Hmmmmm.. . .you do have that cool limp, though.  Conundrum.

(Ke)  A 7-month pregnant limping cop won't be very useful but, yes, I would bring the cool factor.

(Kr)  That's what we need for our show:  Dateline:  Cool Factor.

(Ke)  I'm in.  You do understand that I can't see my feet when I stand up thought, right?

(Kr)  You don't need to see 'em.  You just need to limp on 'em.  Can you do that, soldier?!

(Ke)  Better than anyone.

P Mail

(Ke)  I don't even look at my email anymore.  I know it's from Pizza Hut or Domino's.  I ordered online once! Jesus, leave me alone!

(Kr)  Those emails inspire me.

(Ke)  To never eat pizza again?

(Kr)  To constantly order pizza.

(Ke)  I'll forward them your info.

(Kr)  Oh, they have it.  But I guess it wouldn't hurt.  Better safe than sorry.

(Ke)  I'll give them your number, too.  Just in case.

1-8-7 On A Mother F*in' Mickey

(Ke)  We have a Mickey Santa down and it's not even December.  I hate to see this.

(Kr)  A Disney murder?  What is this world coming to?

(Ke)  We live in a rough 'hood.  No holiday character is safe.

I Scream

(Kr)  We went to Baskin Robbins and they had ice cream cakes shaped like turkeys.  Instead of frosting, it  looked like they covered it in actual turkey skin.  The image will haunt me forever.  It was, indeed, a Black Friday.

(Ke)  I'm sure you were able to pull yourself together long enough to eat some ice cream though, right?

'Til Digestion Do Us Part

(Kr)  Our dinner was awful . . ly amazing!  I just proposed to my risotto.

(Ke)  What did it say?  That must have been awkward for Marc.

(Kr)  No.  He understood.  He's going to be the best man.

(Ke)  He's such a great guy.  You'll all share the apartment?

(Kr)  Marc is going to be in the spare room.

(Ke)  It's a lovely space.