Confectionary Hara-Kari

(Kr)  Group suicide.  Damn you, candy cults!

(Ke)  It's sad.  But if anyone should go, it's gummy bears. 

Breaking Butter

(Kr)  All I want to do is eat a loaf of challah bread with an entire stick of butter.

(Ke)  That sounds like a problem.

(Kr)  How so?  Bread.  Butter.  My mouth.  No problem.

(Ke)  I literally laughed at loud at that.

(Kr)  First off, thank you for not writing LOL.  I would never speak/text to you again.  And, secondly, it's not a laughing matter.  Especially since I don't have any bread.  Just butter.  And that would be just sad.  Right?

(Ke)  Sad isn't strong enough.

Phone Homeless

(Kr)  A homeless man at Walgreen's told me I was pretty, so I'm kiiiinda ridin' that high right now.

(Ke)  And you screwed up by not getting his number.  You did screw up, right?  Please tell me you screwed up.

(Kr)  He told me I'd look good in a burlap sack.  Thinking back, that may have had murderous undertones.  Still, if he owned a phone, I'd probably drop those numerals.

(Ke)  Well, ya know where he lives.

Don't Rag

(Kr)  Just in case you need this . . .


 . . . or this.



The liquor store in downtown Burbank has you covered.

How Much Is That Doggy Sweater In The Window?

(Kr)  Why?  Who?  Why?

(Ke) Um, I think you. Because you love dogs. And sweaters. And a good sale.

(Kr) First of all, that's not a good sale, my friend. Surely that same garment is at Petco for $40. Secondly, it's possible it's made of the fur shed from every Labrador in the world. Which, I guess is recycling, so I'm not as offended as I should be. Thirdly, you know that cut of dog sweater makes me look hippy!!

We All Have Our Skeletons

(Kr)  It is very disturbing that there is need for a PSA against using a mannequin in the car pool lane.  C'mon LA, you're better than this.  Aren't you?

(Ke)  There's a simple answer to that.

(Kr)  That the use of mannequins in car pool lanes has been greatly exaggerated?  That's not the answer, is it?

(Ke)  I'm afraid not.  I've heard of worse ways of getting away with using the car pool lane.  Or trying.

(Kr)  Like the guy in Washington who used a skeleton.

(Ke)  There's that.  And Jesus Christ!

(Kr) Oh, boy.

(Ke)  Let me clarify; no one tried to use Jesus Christ.  That was my response.

(Kr)  That definitely needed some clarification.  I'd already started my Google search.  The PSA said something like crimes involving mannequins are on the rise.

(Ke)  Other crimes?

(Kr)  Don't even look it up.  You'll be ashamed for America.  I had to know what other crimes had taken place.

(Ke)  Should I just move to Canada?  Would that be easier?

(Kr)  And other parts of the world.  I think it's worldwide.  Tsk tsk tsk world.  The best part about the skeleton guy is that he had it holding what looked to be a cookie tin.  Ya know, for realism.

(Ke)  I always travel with a cookie tin, but only when I'm the passenger.  But not in the backseat.  Only the front.  I'm very particular about that.

(Kr)  Everyone has their rituals.

Nobody can fault you for enjoying a sweet en route treat.  Nobody.

(Ke)  Is Brian still sitting in the driver seat?  The balls on this guy.

(Kr)  Aren't we all just skeletons holding cookie tins in the car pool lane called life?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/06/skeleton-in-passenger-seat_n_1190126.html
There's the whole article.  My favorite part is that he was fined $124 for skeleton-related charges.  That's it?!?  $124?!?

(Ke)  I was really hoping that was a hotel robe. I had a whole scenario in my head.

(Kr)  Just a hoodie.  A white one.  Because nothing says subtle like a bright white sweatshirt.

(Ke)  I didn't realize he had "a heck of a commute".  It all makes sense now.

(Kr)  I know.  Poor Brian.

(Ke)  Where's the wig?  And sunglasses?  AND WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?

(Kr)  Exactly.  No indication in the article of where he got the dead body!!  I hate Brian.  So very much.  And worse that that, I'm disappointed in him.

(Ke)  He murdered it, lived with it as man and wife for 6 years, kept it in the oven for another 4, then decided he was tired of that commute and brought it out into the light of day.

(Kr)  That's so Brian.  I guess if that were true, $124 find sounds like a harsh enough punishment.

(Ke)  There's too many gems in the slideshow at the bottom to count. It just goes on and on and on.

(Kr)  I got to the toothless woman robbing banks to buy dentures and had to stop.  For now.

(Ke)  Don't.  That's just way too soon.

(Kr)  Oh, Hal Weston.  For shame.

Spregretti

(Ke)  We're eating leftover spaghetti and meatballs.  I don't remember when we made it.  Pray for us.

(Kr)   I respect your fortitude.  See ya on the other side of that.

A Pickin' And A Spinnin'

(Kr)  Boy, the Domino's sign spinner picking his nose really gave me a hankerin' for some pizza.

(Ke)  Hankering means you never want it again, right?

(Kr)  It wasn't just the picking itself, but the casual nature of the picking that disturbed me.  Long, deep, casual digging of one's nasal cavity is not meant for public consumption.  That's for private time, sign spinner.

(Ke) He's just comfortable with you. Don't let that deter from Domino's when there are so many other things to deter you.

(Kr)  They really should do a booger pizza.  That's right up their alley.

MC=(Pie)2

(Kr)  Definitely at Marie Callendars.

(Ke)  Those still exist?

(Kr)  Oh my, yes.  Chicken pot pie and a hunk o' chocolate silk pie.  Double pie, ya see.

(Ke)  Nice!  Be sure to let me know how that goes.

(Kr)  Well, I'm going to eat it and immediately regret it.  That's an advance summary for ya.

Get Your Tobler-Own

(Kr)

(Ke)  Now I could really get sick off that.

(Kr)  It's serious.

(Ke)  How weird is this?

Joe got it at work.

(Kr)  Like, the weirdest, man.  I bet all of those still don't equal the one I have.

(Ke)  Should we melt them down and see?

(Kr)  Chocolate highway.  That doesn't sound right.

(Ke)

Joe wants to know how many ounces yours is.  He's very serious about this.

(Kr)  It's one pound 10 ounces.

(Ke)  Ours is 1 pound 2 ounces.  You win this round.

You know, for guests.

(Kr)  I give 'em 24 hours.

(Ke)  How dare you...give me so much time.  You underestimate me.

IHOP YOUHOP WEHOP

(Kr) There's a breakfast at IHOP that involves waffle cones.

(Ke) That reminds me that I better have some ice cream.  And breakfast

You Best Karma Correct

(Kr)  Soooooo overpavking? Help!

(Ke)  With your spelling?

(Kr)  Sure make fun.  I'll just bring everything I own.

(Ke)  Sounds like a great plan.  Hen will you be here tomorrow?

(Kr)  Ha.  Or was that a call back?

(Ke)  It was accidental.  Embarrassing.

(Kr)  In yo gace!!  And that, my dear, is how a call back is done.  (Cheers from my adoring fans all around the world.)