CinderFella

(Ke) Joe's new kicks.

(Kr) I'm not buying it.

(Ke) But he tried them on and that says something.

(Kr) Tried them on without being sarcastic?  Oh, boy. Not good.

(Ke) No, I made him. . . but he said they were comfy.  Then I got nervous.

(Kr) This is nerve racking.

EM&Mys

(Kr) We are playing scrabble and Marc has had some wine.  (We may have also had a few mimosas with brunch. It's Sunday. Not Judge Us Day.)  Anywayzzzzzzz, he moved his head and quickly saw my letters. He thought they were a Toblerone.  We may have to have his sweet tooth extracted.

(Ke) I didn't know it was possible for someone's head to move that fast.

(Kr) He can be quite bionic under the influence.  Even his snores are faster.

(Ke) You should call Guiness...the record book, not the other.  Just to be clear.

(Ke) Best Emmy opening ever.

(Kr) I didn't see it. Missed it by 9 dummyhead minutes.  What happened?

(Ke) You'll probably never be able to see it. You're just going to have to imagine what happened.

(Kr) I know. Why can't they create a Tube thing where You can watch things that have happened in the past?

(Ke) I don't want to ruin it for you...or take the time to explain it to you.

(Kr) Which is the thing you don't want to do most?  TiVo it to me.  Does that exist yet?

(Ke) I think you know the answer to both. I'm so tired of Joe fawning all over Betty White.  I'm sitting right here!

(Kr) I like her better than you, too.  But I would never say that to your face.

(Ke) And that's why you're less of a jerk than he is.  Jim Parsons should definitely play Pee Wee Herman in something.

(Kr) Maybe he could play his brother, Pee Pee Wee Wee.

(Ke) Don't make me laugh when I'm eating an M&M, which is about 99% of the time.  I buy them for "guests".

(Kr) And the other 1% is peanut M&Ms.

(Ke) Pretzel.

(Kr) It's 8:30 and we're in bed so night night.

(Kr)  Have you seen my arthritis meds?  Oh, sorry.  That was meant for Marc.  And I forgot Joe has arthritis, so my bad. Could have said osteoporosis but that would mean spelling it correctly.

(Ke) You're jerks.  The lot of you.  Bucky Guntz needs a sip of water.

(Kr) Being that sincere will dehydrate a guy.  I go sleepy bears.  Feel free to text me your Emmy musings.

(Ke) Ok, Kreets.  Maybe George Clooney should share that glass of water.

(Kr) I'm just so tired of him and his charm.

Power Couple

(Kr)  This is my boyfriend.

(Ke)  You're a lucky gal.   Is it really him?  Where did you get it?

(Kr)  Yep.  He made it on old booth.

(Ke)  Sweet knot.  Looks like he's living life in the big city. 

(Kr)  He's got disco in his heart and mousse in his hair.  

(Kr)  It's me!

(Ke)  What a beautiful couple.

(Kr)  It's convinced us to have children.

(Ke)  That's as good of a reason as any.

Muppet. Meat. Mindf**k

(Kr)  I met JT for happy hour yesterday.  We were waited on by the girl Gelfling from The Dark Crystal.  We ordered sliders.   JT likes his burgers medium; I like mine medium rare. There are 3 sliders. So, we asked her to make 2 medium and 1 medium rare.  She said she didn't know if they could do that.  JT explained to her it's 3 separate burgers, so it's easy to cook them all differently.  She just looked at us with the most vacant, frightened look and said, "Oh, my God! That's so hard!"


(Ke)  Did you kick her in the dark crystal?


(Kr)  It was real tempting but she was bringing us drinks.  Didn't want to risk it.


(Ke)  What's the end of the sliders story?  Was she able to figure the puzzle out?


(Kr)  She did.  Then JT ate the medium rare one.  We blew that poor girl's mind for no reason.


(Ke)  Bastard.

Maxi Bachelor Pad

(Kr)  Please watch Bachelor Pad. 


(Ke)   I saw it  once accidentally.   I'll try to watch it on purpose.  It won't be easy.


(Kr)  You owe it to yourself to see how embarrassing it is.

Yabba Dabba Don't

(Kr)  I have the Flintstone's Vitamins song in my head.  "We are Flintstone's kids (clap clap),  ten million strong and growing.  We are Flintstone's kids (clap clap), ten million strong and growing  . . ."  Over and over.  Who wrote that stupid ass jingle?  I despise them.  I hope they get "Kokomo" stuck in their head.

(Kr)  And yes, it's 4:30 a.m.  Just hanging out; listening to Marc sleep and being haunted by ten million vitamin-loving kids.

Steel Magnolias

(Ke) Joe has taken to pulling his shirt up above his nipples like a schoolgirl. Only when he's wearing white t-shirts.

(Kr) Oy.

(Ke) I keep picturing him saying, "IT TWIRLED UP!"
 
Post-text
(Kr)  I like that you titled this "Steel Magnolias", except that quote is from "Postcards from the Edge".  Time to whip out the Shirley MacLaine box set. . .again.

Buggin' Bronco

(Ke) We're timing how long it takes for this to fall off. 

(Kr) What is that Toy Story thing? How long? 

(Ke) Woody held his own for an hour and fifteen minutes then I finally took it off. Bug was super annoyed by it after a while. 

(Kr) Woody ridin' bareback. Not the greatest cowboy. That didn't make much sense. What I said. Had a little wine is all. 

(Kr) I actually forgot to ask, why on earth did you have a Toy Story sticker. 

(Ke) Joe's x-ray technician gave it to him for the baby. I guess they really got to know each other in the five minutes he was getting x-rayed. 

(Kr) So, the baby is going to want a sticker from 5 months before he was born for a movie released 7 months before he was born? Nice gift, x-ray guy. 

(Ke) X-ray girl. 

(Kr) I'm sorry about what I said about the x-ray guy. I want to hug him and let him know I think he's real nice. Real, real nice.

Adventures in Morning Breath

(Kr)  Hammer keeps trying to stick his nose in my mouth and smell.  He thinks something is dying in there and he wants to rescue it.

(Ke)  I say tie him to a rope and let him go there.

(Kr)  Shmoolunking.

What Ever Happened to Baby Doll Dress?

(Ke) Oh, you remember that green baby doll dress you were going to take to goodwill because it made you look pregnant but then you gave it to me because you thought it might look cute on someone who actually is pregnant? Then I tried in on and realized it couldn't possibly be flattering on anyone?

(Kr) Not sure. I've had so many unflattering dresses. Picture please.

(Ke) Somebody finally likes it.

(Kr) I'd probably look ok in it if I wore it like Bug. Maybe I should start wearing everything by putting it on the ground and rolling around on it.

(Ke) I've never seen it look better. Bug can make anything look good.

(Kr) Bug can rock an outfit, though. Tell you what.

(Kr) I still don't know which dress it is.

(Kr) Ah, yes, I have it in black. It's turned into a nightgown.  A nightgown.  Like I'm an old lady living on the prairie.

(Ke) Money well spent.

Baby Glove, My Baby Glove

(Ke) This is getting ridiculous.

(Kr) He'd make an excellent baby glove model. 0-6 months.

Shrink Ray

(Ke) The procedure went a little too well.

Womb Shock A Locka

(Kr)  When you find out the sex of the baby today, don't just text it willy-nilly.  Build it up.  Add suspense.  Like on American Idol.  Be my Ryan Seacrest.

(Ke)  Ok.

40 minutes later . . .

(Ke)  America has voted.  It's down to two finalists:  male or female.

(Kr)  Ok.  Screw suspense.  I need to know.

(Ke)  We'll find out . . .

(Kr)  You're going to commercial, aren't you?

(Ke)   . . . right after this appointment.  We have to pay for this somehow.

(Kr)  It's a THIS?  I knew it!  How many millions of votes?

(Ke)  A record was set:  8 million.  Most were us voting.

(Kr)  Is Paula Abdul gonna perform, or are you going to tell me?

(Ke)  What do you think it is?

(Kr)  I think it's a gal.

(Ke)  Interesting. . .

(Kr)  I underestimated your ability to leave me on the edge of my seat. Touche'.

(Ke)  That'll teach you to doubt me.

(Kr)  I'm dyin' over here.

(Ke)  Shouldn't be too long.

An hour later . . .

(Ke)  We just got out.

(Kr)  Wow!  Long one.  Sooooooo . . . (Tapping fingers).

(Ke)  You're about to be an aunt . . . Of a beautiful baby . . .

(Kr)  Is it Krista Jr. or Mr. Krista Jr.?

(Ke)  Baby Boy Cassidy.

Unexpected Blessing

(Kr) I just had something so large come out of my body, it should have a birth certificate.

(Ke) What did you name it?

(Kr) Haven't decided. It's between Ackey Jr.....and Veronica.

(Ke) I like either.  So, it's a girl?

(Kr) Not sure

(Ke) I'll just buy clothes that will work for both.  He/she wears clothes, right?

(Kr) Only hats.

(Kr) The test results are in.  It's half Trader Joe's peanut butter cup, half hummus.  I couldn't be more proud.

(Ke) I can't stop crying.

(Kr) How do you think I feel?

(Ke) Lighter.

Neanderthal

(Ke) Big hand, tiny mouse

(Kr) Joe needs a hand reduction.

The Lynch Pin

(Kr)  If you run in this weather, you are a complete moron.  Period.

(Ke)  What is this running you speak of?

(Kr)  Anyway, on my run I saw two sets of twins.  Oh, they were just having the best time hanging out; not being sad because they live in different cities.

(Ke)  I'm going to imagine they're sad for other reasons to make myself feel better.

(Kr)  This guilt trip was brought to you by Jane Lynch.  Who I also saw.

(Ke)  Please tell me she was wearing a track suit.

(Kr)  I believe she was.

(Ke)  She wears one in the shower, I just know it.

(Kr)  I'm actually not sure if she was wearing one.  You just seemed so excited and I hate disappointing you.  Especially over something so important.

Turtle Waxing Philosophical

(Kr)  I'm noticing a disturbing trend of "regulars" in places where regulars don't belong.  I call them "irregulars".  At the car wash this morning, this guy was hanging out at the cash register, casually sipping a soda and chatting up the cashier who looked one blink away from unconsciousness brought on my boredom.  After a bit, I realized he wasn't picking up a car, he came here to hang out.  Just to hang out.  At a car wash!  If you're hanging out talking to the help while your car is NOT being washed at a car wash, you're not a regular, you're a creepy guy harassing the staff.  You can get away with that at a bar where drinking, harassment, and being creepy are pretty much required. That's what all good bar regulars do. But, not at my hand car wash, buddy.  Not at my hand car wash. . . 

Primetime Shame

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Watching "Made of Honor".

(Ke)  Oh no.

(Kr)  It's not my finest hour.  What you doing?

(Ke)  Watching A.G.T.  If you know what that is, you're just as sad as I am

(Kr)  X X X.  That's my vote.

Get In To The P'Zone

(Kr)  I just remembered the P'Zone.  Is that still a thing?  If so, why?

(Ke)  P'Zone?

(Kr)  It's Pizza Hut's version of the calzone.  Basically a pizza folded in half.  But, it sounds like a place you'd get your tires changed in Italy.

(Ke)  I thought it was the oily/dry area of the pizza.

(Kr)  That's the beauty of Pizza Hut.  Each pizza is equally dry and oily.  Like my hair right now.

Faaaabulously Disturbing

(Kr)  That guy from that show "The Spin Crowd" is hard to look at.  In a Steven Cojocaru  kinda way.

(Ke)  I want to kick him in the vagina.

(Kr)  He has two.

(Ke)  One in his face.

(These were added post-text, to display said vagina-ness.)

Her Majesty, Queen Cellulite

(Ke)  I know you don't care, but DQ makes a mini Blizzard.


(Kr)  Yeah.  I barely care.  Except that it's all I care about!


(Ke)  They make big ones, too.


(Kr)  I've met them.  They're real nice.

Save Now

Uh Oh, It's Magic

(Kr)  I keep forgetting to tell you that I think I'll be able to time it perfectly where I'll be having my period the weekend of your wedding! Stoked! So, any weight I lose before then will magically return in water weight.  I'm the David Blaine of menstrual cycles.


(Ke)  I can't stop picturing David Blaine putting in a tampon.

Coming to Terms With Twinadequacy

(Kr)  Are you around to Skype?

(Ke)  No.  We're out eating. 

(Kr)  You suck.

(Ke)  I know.

(Kr)  At least you're aware of your suckage.  So many Americans are unaware.  It's tragic.

(Ke)  I've had many years to come to terms with it.


(Kr)  And I'm the best.  Mom and Dad sat us down when we were 7 and told us that.  That I'm the best and you're adopted.

(Ke)  I agree.  But, I'm pretty ok for an adopted kid.  I think I'm Mom and Dad's kid, but they adopted me out and then adopted me back.

(Kr)  You're a tough one to keep.  But, I think that's part of your charm and not a burden like dad always says.

(Ke)  I'm his favorite.  After you.  And Kory.

(Kr)  And the neighbor kid whose name he can never remember.  But after him, totally his favorite.

Convict BabyMama

18 weeks:



(Kr)  Wow.  Baby!  Oh, and nice pajamas, thief.  You're not even going to be around to be a mom because you're going to be in prison for stealing my jammies!

(Ke)  You're just trying to get my baby.

(Kr)  I am.  I will get him/her.  Don't worry.

Sir Shmoo

(Kr)  May I presesnt, Sir Shmoo?

(Ke)  No, you may not.  Unless you want to frighten me.

(Kr)  Marc did it.  Blame him.

El Gluteo

(Kr)  Wish you were here for dinner.  So you could make it.

(Ke)   Whatcha servin'?

(Kr)  You misunderstood.   I wish to be served.

(Ke)  Why I oughta.

(Kr)  You oughta what?  Make a delicious meal for me?  Yes.  Yes you should.

(Ke)  We're having Mexican lasagna.

(Kr)  That sounds home cooked and tasty as all get out.

(Ke)  It's both.

(Kr)  I must go to the gymnasium now and exercise my muscles.

(Ke)  Calisthenics are healthy.

(Kr)  Ok, gotta go.  Don't try to stop me by convincing me that relaxation is good for me.  I'll hear none of it.

(Kr)  Well, I guess I could hear a little of it.

(Ke)  I think you should go get 'em.

(Kr)  You monster.  Don't complain when my abs are extremely taut.

(Ke)  I will complain.  A lot.

(Kr)  I won't be able to hear you over my throbbing, toned muscles.  Most of my blood used for hearing goes straight to my tight glutes.

(Ke)  Barf.

15 minutes later . . .

(Ke)  I thought you were going to work out?

(Kr)  Didn't realize you were a personal trainer.

(Ke)  Obviously.

(Kr)  Putting my socks on.  Happy?

(Kr)  I lied about that sock thing.

(Ke)  I don't talk to liars.

(Kr)  Just bending the truth until it breaks.  Then smashing it and setting it on fire.

Another 15 minutes later . . .

(Kr)  My view from the bike whilst exercising said glutes.  It might look like the computer from War Games, but I assure you it's a sweatcycle.

(Kr)  Put that in your homemade Mexican lasagna.


(Ke)  I need a sweat cycle.

Taking Lazy To a Whole New Level

(Ke)  What are you doing?

(Kr)  Just went to the gym for literally a minute.  Just couldn't stay.  So unmotivated.  Just feeling blah.  Blahbedy blah.  Gonna watch The Blind Side.  That will totally help.

(Ke)  Sorry, Kreets.

(Kr)  I definitely just ordered wine to be delivered.  The liquor store down the street delivers.  It's like a dream.  Sorry, treadmill.  You lose this round.

(Ke)  Two bottles?  Goodnight.


(Kr)  $20 minimum, friend.  Worked out nicely.