Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Nogurt

(Ke)


I guess I'm done eating my yogurt now. 

(Kr) I guess I'm done eating yogurt forever.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Happiness. But At What Cosco?

(Kr) Gonna rock some Cosco pizza. It started out as a trip to the store gone horribly awry. Aw(esome)ry.

(Ke) But Cosco isn't even on the way to the store and you don't have a Cosco card? How did this happen?

(Kr) Magic. And hunger.

What A Sicko

(Ke)


Snotty but still smiling.

(Kr)  Makes me want to cry.

(Ke)  I wish I was this happy when I was sick.

(Kr)  Me, too.  That kid inspires me.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Stop Your W(h)ining

(Kr)  We're just in the studio makin' beats.

(Ke)  Fat ones?

(Kr)  The fattest.  With cellulite.

(Ke)  Sounds like your beats need to hit the gym.

(Kr)

(Ke)  Mariah?

(Kr)  Pffft.  Diva-er.

My album drops in three weeks.  It's called "Purple Wine Lips:  Just The Hits".

(Ke)  But let's see those teeth.

(Kr)



Purple teeth.  Purple tongue.  *hiccup

(Ke)  Oh boy.

(Kr)  Gotta lay down some vocals over the track now.  You wouldn't understand.

(Ke)  I understand more than you think.

(Kr)  No!  You don't!  You're fired!

(Ke)  I'm out.  Peace.

(Kr)  I just trashed the room.  I hope you're happy.

(Ke)  Sorry.

(Kr)  The cops are here. It's jail or rehab.

(Ke)  A good night in jail is just what the doctor ordered.  He's not really a doctor.  He just played one on tv.

(Kr) Perfect.  A tv doctor.  He'll understand my artistry. I want to make my amends.  I was a jerk.  It's just my talent....it's bigger than me.  Than all of us.

(Ke)  Not all of us.  Just some of you.  There better be some hot tunes at the end of all this debauchery.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Your Prehistoric Animals Are No Good Here

(Ke) 
  

(Kr)  He's makin' a break for it.  

(Ke)  He doesn't realize how good he's got it here.  It's a cruel world out there. 

(Kr)  Maybe you should just let him go.  He's probably trying to get back to his real home.  And Mommy. 

(Ke)  He reconsidered when I told him how much cab fare is to LA: 2 dinosaurs. 

(Kr)  Liar!

(Ke)  Hey, the kid doesn't have dinosaurs to lose.  He's got college in 18 years. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The High Is Worth The Low

(Kr) Dang you, TJDCPBC.  I don't know how to quit you!

(Ke) That doesn't stand for Dateline.

(Kr) Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups.  I just had way too many and now I'm on a sugar high.  I can't sleep.  So, I'll probably just comment on every picture on Facebook.  Tonight.

Fair Welder Friend

(Kr) Be honest, is the idea of burning my apartment to the ground to avoid packing a really lazy idea? Or the most genius idea in the history of all genius ideas? Keep in mind, I will be evacuating all things living and chocolate/alcohol related beforehand.

(Ke) Does this mean starting an entire new wardrobe? Also, maybe best to not to put these genius ideas in writing.

(Kr) Good point. Forget I brought it up. Wink. On a totally unrelated note, where would one rent a blowtorch? It's for a friend who wants to weld. Not burn stuff to the ground.

(Ke) Tell your friend to think bigger. A blowtorch won't accomplish much. Not that I know what they are going to use it for. Which welder friend, by the way? You have many.

(Kr) You don't know her. Ummm, him.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Hair Careless

(Ke)
 I found this under the sink.  I don't know what to do.

(Kr)  First things first:  does Joe know you found it?

(Ke)  It's sitting in the garbage.  Maybe.  I don't know.  An economy size LA Looks Wet Look Slicking Gel? What was he thinking?  That I'd never find out?

(Kr)  Secondly, does it have an expiration date?  If it expired before 2000, it might be ok.  It's still a terrible judgment call, but the slick look was still somewhat in back then.  If it's a recent purchase, check the internet for a hotline number.  You're going to need professional guidance.

(Ke)  I couldn't get myself to look directly at it.  I can't go through this alone.  Will you be here for me?  Will you?!

(Kr)  I'm here for you.  I know this is difficult.  I love Joe, too.  I can't watch him live his life this way.  Don't look directly at it.  It will only make you angry.  Joe needs love right now, not anger.

(Ke)  I just feel so confused.

(Kr)  I've never seen him slick before.  Never.  And especially not around Bronx.  Maybe it's just something he does alone to decompress.

(Ke)  I want to believe it's over and trust him but if I find more 80s hair products things are going to get ugly.

(Kr)  Ask his co-workers.  Has he ever snuck off during lunch and come back slicked?  He'll probably say he was holding it for a friend.  Stand firm.

(Ke)  He's always clean headed.  Is he rinsing before coming home?  Oh god!

(Kr)  Stay calm.  You have a child together.  My biggest concern is Bronx.  I don't want him thinking it's ok.  I have to work but I'm here.

(Ke)  Have your phone on.  You're my emergency contact.

The Lap Of Squalor

(Kr) What doing?

(Ke) Watching tv, eating garlic toast and drinking a beer. Can you top that?

(Kr) Watching tv and waiting for my Taco Bell to arrive.

(Ke) You don't disappoint.

(Kr) But its so disappointing that it's not disappointing.

(Ke) You have personal Taco Bell delivery?

(Kr) It's called 1-800-MARC.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Cable-Induced Panic

(Ke)  Why is Ellen on at 3:30?  She's on at 4.  Always has been.  What's going on?!

(Kr)  I called NBC to screw with you.

(Ke)  And the Kardashians are on?  All on one show?  Bronx is interested.  He doesn't know any better yet.

(Kr)  He shouldn't be exposed to that unless it's a lesson in who not to hang with.

(Ke)  He does what he wants.

(Kr)  Sweet parenting.

(Ke)  I'm too busy wondering why the times of shows have changed.

(Kr)  Now I see why being a mother is the toughest job you'll ever love.

(Ke)  It's basically just lying around watching tv.  Don't let anyone tell you different.

(Kr)  Ok, I take a short nappy now.  Skype later?

(Ke)  Maybe.  There'll be more tv on.

Cerealously?

(Ke) I'm in charge of dinner. Cereal it is.

(Kr) I wish you were my mommy. Marc isn't hungry. It's annoying me.

(Ke) I never have that problem.

(Kr) I just want him to be inspired to get food. Or, more accurately, get me food.

(Ke)  My best to you.

(Kr)  It's not happening.

(Ke)  I'm making dinner and pouting about it.

(Kr)  I'm making a frozen pizza and semi-pouting about it.

(Ke)  It's ok to pout once in a while, but only about ridiculously petty things.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Knoooooooo!

(Kr)  I like the Kardashian Kollection at Sears. What's happening to me?

(Ke)  You need more wine.  Or less wine.

(Kr)  No wines.  That's why I'm disturbed to my kore.

(Ke)  I kan't support that.

(Kr)  It's knot supportable.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

This (Text) Message Not Brought To You By . . .

(Ke)  Level with me:  are Depends going to be part of my wardrobe in the near future?  I can take it.

(Kr)  It Depends.  (The undergarment product Depends is in no way affiliated with the last text.  All rights reserved.)

(Ke)  Not yet.  Cha ching!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Sweet Relief

(Kr)  I couldn't find any chocolate and I was freaking out and then I discovered some chocolate covered caramels that Marc got.  I said, outloud, "Thank god!".  This is my life.  I hope you're enjoying the show.

(Ke)  I feel like I should be charged a fee.