Planned Parenthood

(Kr)  Never having had a baby, I have to say, if it's as hard as getting the perfect eyeliner wing, I'm out.

(Ke)  It's very similar challenge-wise but not nearly as stressful. Or time consuming. Or rewarding. 

(Kr)  I'm going to need 85% of my day for wing time, so that leaves 10% for a baby and 5% for miscellaneous/extra wing time. 

(Ke)  Time management is key so you're off to a great start. 

Waffle Waffling

(Kr)  Day 4 Of Back Injury Recovery. Status Report: Woke up. Had toaster waffle. Took Vicodin-induced nap. Woke up. Had two more waffles. Excitedly learned box is 8, not 6, waffles. Watched 5 and 1/2 episodes of Will & Grace. Thinking about next waffle. Monday ruled.
Suck it, Garfield.

(Ke)  Craving waffles I don't have at 2 am has thrown me into a jealous rage I'm not proud of.

(Kr)  My butter intake over the last 24 hours has got to be record shattering. I won't be seeing the outside world for a few days.  I'll sleep off the newly acquired fat.  Lego my ego, homie. Ya know?

(Ke)  Seems like a solid use of recovery time. How much until you're up and back to civilian life?

(Kr) Few more days.

(Ke)  So it's the spinal countdown, I guess.

(Kr)  Oh, boy. Goodbye.

The Opposite Sex

(Kr)  Add James Spader to the list of men turning into chubby middle-aged women.

(Ke)  Also on the roster: John Travolta, Val Kilmer, and, ironically, Chaz Bono. 

(Kr)  William Shatner, Tony Curtis. 

  

(Ke)  They are the grandmothers of this motley crue. 

(Kr)  Speaking of, Vince Neil.

(Ke)  Warren Beatty. Was sad to see that turn of events. 

(Kr)  New category: Skinny Middle-aged women: Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger.

(Ke)  New sub-category: Men Who Used To Be Chubby But Now Look Scary Skinny Middle-aged Women: Tom Arnold. 

(Kr)  Whatever category this would fall under:

(Ke)  Chevy Chase

(Kr)  Bill Clinton was getting there but did a serious about-face. 

(Ke)  Jay Leno

(Kr)  Star Jones

(Ke)  Dang!

(Kr)  Tom Jones

(Ke)  If we're doing a Vegas category: Wayne Newton, David Copperfield, Carrot Top!

(Kr)  Elton John, but I'm pretty sure that's intentional.

(Ke)  Tom Cruise is on my wish list. 

(Kr)  I don't know where Mickey Rourke falls but it ain't good. 

Never Trust A Big Tongue And A Smile

(Kr)

A) I'm frightened to know what a Shaq Soda tastes like.

B) These Mountain Dew cans are as long as my forearm. 

(Ke)  A) It's Soda Shaq. Get it right. B) I think we both know it tastes like ball sweat. Not by accident. 

(Kr)  Ew

(Ke)  Now available in assorted ball sweat creme flavors! 

(Kr)  Barf

(Ke)  Thats a new flavor being tested. Won't be on the market until the holidays. Predicted to be huge with fraternities. 

Total Whine

(Ke) Nothing like your baby crying while at Total Wine, with a cart full of meticulously chosen alcohol, to make your reevaluate your priorities.  

(Kr)  Dilemma. But:  Wine gets better with age; do kids?  

(Ke)  The cashier eyeballed me pretty hard while telling me I didn't look old enough. Now I think she meant to be responsible for other human beings.

Fromage Camouflage

(Kr)

I want to expect the expected in my cheese blend, yo. I've come to rely on you for your consistency, cheddar!

(Ke)  But the prepositions are italicized! Close your eyes and let the adventure begin. How wrong can it possibly go?

Acrobad

(Kr)  I'm absolutely confident the only thing standing between me and a successful Cirque de Soleil career is my inability to do an unassisted pull-up . . . or assisted. Semantics. 

(Ke)  True. Your paralyzing fear of heights and lower back pain of an arthritic 90 year old aren't holding you back at all.

(Kr)  Rude. Accurate, but rude. 

(Ke)  You just like to keep things relatively sea level is all I'm saying. 

(Kr)  And I have yet to break my face. So there. 

(Ke)  Have you? I've seen some pretty nasty run-ins with furniture. 

(Kr)  Again. Rude. That furniture blind-sided me!

Feminine Lowgiene

(Kr)  It's a bad moment when you realize that smell is most like the yeast infection of the woman sitting next to you. 

(Ke)  Oh, man! Right when I took a bite of my sandwich?!

(Kr)  Sure, take my trauma and make it about your lunch. 

(Ke)  You can walk away. I can never eat bread again. 

Sneezings Greetings

(Kr)  Walking to work.  Pep in my step.  Sneezed.  Walked by a guy and smiled; said hi as people do.  Happened to look down after the fact. Snot all over my shirt.  

(Ke)  Stop trying to entice men already. You're married!

(Kr)  The shirt is black, too. For optimal snot-showage.  Feeling pretty great about Friday. 

Del Taco Bell

(Kr)  Del Taco's new tag line is "Unfreshing Believable."  So nobody, not one person involved in that campaign, thought that resembled: "Del Taco.  Not Fresh."?

(Ke)  Subtle truth in advertising. I prefer "Unfucking Befreshable" myself but what do I know?

(Kr)  There should be job loss at the other end of this.

Look at Taco Bell. Not even feigning nutrition. I appreciate that.  

(Ke)  That's not "wake up at 6 AM and attack the day" Dew, that's "stay up until 4 AM smoking pot and playing vids then run to Taco Bell for an AM Crunchwrap" Dew.

(Kr)  "How can we make Mountain Dew even more terrible?  Add orange juice!"  Kudos, T.B.   

Stop Collaborate Don't Listen

(Kr)  This country/rap combo needs to pull a serious cease and desist.  It's a musical felony.

(Ke)  I blame Nelly. He has a country rap sheet a mile long.

(Kr)  My ears are filing a restraining order. They feel so violated. It's assault and battery in the key of terrible.

Coffee Costastrophe

(Ke)  I have been charged the following prices for the SAME drink at the SAME Starbucks over the past few months: $3.98, 3.15, 4.09, 3.44, 3.51. Get you pricing shit together, Starbucks! 

(Kr)  Maybe the Star is actually an asterisk. 

*prices may vary for no explicable reason. If you ask us about it, we'll charge you more bucks. 

(Ke)  They're punishing me for drinking hot chocolate in the summer. It's delicious. I make no apologies!

Identification Violation

(Kr)  The guy at Trader Joe's told me I looked better in my license picture. Which is so ironic, because I was just about to not ask his f***ing opinion. 

(Ke)  Did you tell him in 2 seconds he will look more slapped than he does now? And that his job is to tell you how much he looooves the Greek yogurt you bought, not be a rude a hole?

(Kr)  He covered with a "You look good now, too. I just like long hair."  He's got the back-handed compliment thing down to a science. First-grade science. 

(Ke)  It was more front-handed insult. 

Inconceivable Pain

(Kr)  I just hit my ankle so hard on the bed, it made my ovaries scream. 

(Ke)  Just imagine if you would have hit your ovaries. 

(Kr)  I can barely walk. I'll never get pregnant now. 

(Ke)  I think we need to have a talk. Walking doesn't play a huge role in getting pregnant. 

(Kr)  Don't question my methods.

(Ke)  You're on track with the swollen ankles, though. 

A Complex Complex

(Ke)  Bronx just walked in while I was pumping and said, "I want to put those on my 'boobles'". So I did what any amazing mother would do and milked my son. 

(Kr)  That's a story for Bronx's wedding toast if I've ever heard one. 

(Ke)  That might bring back subconscious feelings of resentment toward me. It's better that I sabotage him ever getting married. 

(Kr)  I didn't say you'd be at the wedding.

(Ke)  Oh I guess you're going to be toastmaster at my son's imaginary wedding.

(Kr)  I've been asked to not divulge any information to you concerning the event. 

(Ke)  Wow, he's better at using the phone than I thought. 

Give Me All Your Dough

(Ke)  Oroweat, stop pretending your freshness is being maintained by this plastic fortress rather than a gazillion preservatives and let me the hell in! I want a sandwich!

(Kr)  They are the moat and castle of the bread world.  

(Ke)  Is it trying to keep itself in or me out? You're bread! You're not doing yourself any favors by micromanaging my carb intake!

(Kr)  Well, it's accomplishing not being eaten. Which is what I'd do if I were bread. 

(Ke) I'm going to commission them to put a security system in my house.  

A Whole Latte Of Crappuccino

(Ke)  Just got the kids to sleep. Celebrating the moments of my life with a cup of General Foods International Coffee. 

(Kr)  Ahhhh, hands on either side of the cup. Gently blowing the steam. Enjoying that mediocre flavor. 

(Ke)  I'm all

but if you were here we'd be all

(Kr)  I'd be leaning on you because I need your assistance enjoying the moments of my life. 

(Ke)  It's actually because you're about to puke after drinking this

(Kr)  Orange should never be the flavor of anything other than an orange. 

(Ke)  And now you're not invited to drink coffee drinks from 1988, smile and get food poisoning with me anymore. 

(Kr)  Fine. I won't invite you over for grape lattes. 

(Ke)  Fine!  Great, now I'm craving a grape latte! You're the worse coffee companion ever!

Bar Fly

(Ke)

He's going to feel this in the morning. Luckily he won't remember what happened. I wish I could say the same, but the bastard contaminated my only possibility of that.

(Kr)  Gettin' his buzzzzzz on.
My apologies.

Barefoot In The Parking Lot

(Ke) Target picked the wrong day to be so efficient with its cart corralling and I picked the wrong day not to put shoes on Bronx.

(Kr) I thought the story of Target having cart people was a mythical legend told by people lying about finding a cart in the actual store. And why are you Oliver Twist-ing Bronx?

(Ke) If he's going to live in Arizona he needs to toughen up his feet. If walking on hot concrete carrying his sister in her carseat to get a cart while I wait in the air conditioned car doesn't work, I don't know what will.

Techmexicolor Yawn

(Ke) I think there must be more onomatopoeic synonyms for throwing up than for any other word: barf, vomit, hurl, spew. And with that I bid you good night.

(Kr) That's beautiful. On that note, no matter the time of day there will always be somebody behind you in the Taco Bell drive-thru

(Ke) This initially seemed off topic but Taco Bell, and most items on the menu, are pretty synonymous with throwing up.

Cavity Search

(Ke) Irony (n): falling asleep with a cough drop in one's mouth, thereby burning a hole in one's throat, resulting in the most painful sore throat imaginable.

(Kr) Look on the bright side, I just had a dream you were going to get a perio-pregnancy test. Whatever that is, sounds uncomfortable. Like they'd be drilling from your bicuspids to your uterus.

(Ke) Why am I getting tests in your dream? Have your own uncomfortable made up dream tests! And I don't think you understand the concept of "bright side".

(Kr) I go back to nightnight now.

(Ke) I'm glad you can sleep. Thanks for the inevitable insomnia and ensuring I'll never visit the dentist or OGBYN again.

Jersey Bore

(Kr) Dear MTV, Stop giving the Jersey Shore cast spin-off shows.
Dear Me, Stop being aware of what MTV is doing.

(Ke) You should definitely be ashamed but as long as you don't know the schedules of VH1 or, god forbid, E!, you can still hold your head high-ish.

Just The Fat, Ma'am

(Ke) I took the ice cream out of the freezer, opened it, looked at the time, and put it back. I'm so proud of myself. I think I deserve a reward. Oooooh, Maybe some ice cream.

(Kr) Always reward yourself with what you've been depriving yourself. That's the model of every successful weight maintenance program. It's been the key factor in sustaining my extra 10 pounds.

Unexpected Expectorant

(Ke) What do you think of my sweet belt buckle?

(Kr) It's jammin'?

(Ke) I woke up at 2 coughing, then 4 with a sticky hand, confused. It wasn't until I was getting in the shower that I finally found my new bling/choking hazard.

Twisted Sister

(Kr)  TMC is airing a twin marathon. There are two with Bette Davis as twins.

(Ke)  Uplifting cinema to be sure.

(Kr)  Murdering. Identity stealing. Nothing I wouldn't do to you.

(Ke)  Duly noted.

(Kr)  But I'd do it with 1940's panache. So it's not creepy.

(Ke)  I've always thought myself Joan Crawford to your Bette Davis.

(Kr)  I've always thought you Bette Davis to my Bette Davis.

(Ke)  The only person afraid of Bette Davis is Bette Davis.

(Kr)  Of course the dog can tell the difference between them, but the husband is completely fooled.

(Ke)  Dogs are smart and husbands not very observant. A fact that still holds true 70 years later. Catch up.

(Kr)  I've only been married a year, so. . .

(Ke)  You'll figure it out.

(Kr)  I want somebody to turn the lamps on for me before I enter the room. Bette Davis and Bette Davis have that and I want it too!

(Ke)  I'm sure there are college students looking for unpaid internships that benefit neither themselves, anything or anyone but you.

(Kr)  They're all hired.

Not Your Grammar's Cooking

 (Ke)

Prepositions are excellent for puncturing. 

(Kr)  I just used an "upon" the other day to poke a hole in a theory.

(Ke)  Trader Joe's Butter Chicken With Basmati Rice meal box editor, I'm sorry but you're fired. 

(Kr)  If you have power at Trader Joe's, how about using it for free peanut butter cups?

(Ke)  I don't need any more peanut butter cups, free or otherwise. Ever. For at least a week. 

(Kr)  Oh, we're not talking about for you. 

(Ke)  If I had real power I would make the carts bigger. I can't even fit a two year old, a four month old in a car seat and $200 worth of groceries. Come on!  I shouldn't have to stack my frozen meat on my infant daughter. Give me some room. I have to say, though, that I prefer an unconventional oven. One that isn't afraid to wear white after Labor Day. 

Heart Attack Snack

(Ke) A guy just came out of the gas station with a tall can of Mt. Dew, Toll House ice cream cookie sandwich and a pack of smokes. My afternoon now seems so boring. Healthy but boring.

(Kr) I just got diabetes by proxy. I can't judge, though. Minus the cigarettes, that was my dream lunch in sixth grade.

(Ke) Everyone has to have a dream. I don't get the impression too many of this guy's have come true.

(Kr) He has a sandwich made up of ice cream and cookies. He doesn't need dreams. And I guess you say "smokes" now. I thought that was reserved for inmates and bar flies.

(Ke) Wow, it's like you can see him from 400 miles away.

Mid-Run Crisis

(Kr)

 How appropriate. My 39 year old body is holding my 35 year old body hostage while on this run. Send inhalers! This bitch is crazy!

(Ke) Pay generously with hill sprints and get that body back. It's worth it.

Slim-Slow

(Ke) I just had a shake and a senseless dinner for lunch.

(Kr) Their would be no diet without die.

(Ke) That'd be like burgers without fries or ice cream without chocolate sauce. And whipped cream. And a gooey brownie. Ok, I get what you're saying.

Dissociative Skin Identity Disorder

(Ke)



So I've finally come to terms with my age. Yet I'm still using products to prevent breakouts. Going through never ending puberty with crows feet is confusing.

(Kr) Maybe they're teenage crows.

The Candy Woman Can

(Ke) I just convinced Bronx to do his breathing treatment by giving him "candy", which is Claritin and prednisone. FBI, I'm ready for that negotiator job.

(Kr) Should I admire or fear you?

(Ke) A healthy amount of both wouldn't be beyond the realm of appropriate.

Scent Of Half A Woman

(Kr)

Staring down the barrel of a broken deodorant with one pit to go. In a bit of a 127 Hours situation. 

(Ke)  Just be sure to stand/sit next to people deodorized side in. Not an issue. 

(Kr)  You're the Swiss Army knife of sisters. 

Semen Sermon

(Kr) Hey, ready for Obnoxious Twin Questions: Baby Edition?

(Ke) I have been waiting.

(Kr) "So, do you want a baby now because your sister has one?" Yes! Of course I base all my major life choices on a No-fair!-Keleigh-has-one! philosophy.

(Ke) Copy cattin' your way through life. Makes sense.

(Kr) I love unsolicited advice. Hey stranger, when you ask if I have kids and I say not yet, don't tell me I'd better get started. You get started. Minding your own reproductive business. Also, don't ask if we're "trying." If I wanted you to know about my sex life, I'd do porn.

(Ke) Consider porn just to get people off your back. Plus extra money will be nice. You know, for your kids.

A Buncha Lunch

(Ke) 100 jump ropes, 20 dumbbell presses 20 lunches, 15 curls. Next round 200, 25, 25, 20. Next round: 300, 30, 30, 25. Finished with some double unders and sit ups. Followed by puking because that was too many lunches. Do lunges instead.

(Kr) If there's a bulk lunch option, I'm skipping the other rigmarole.

Pixel Cut

(Ke)  How do I ask for this hair without sounding crazy?

(Kr)  Totally sane and chic to look like an animated movie character.

(Ke)  A video game character WITHIN an animated movie.  Doubly hip.

(Kr)  Bad news.  You're going to lose 10 chic points for using the phrase doubly hip.  That's gotta sting.

(Ke)  That's fine.  I have regenerative powers with my new hair so that makes up for any lost chic points.  I just lost more points, didn't I?

(Kr)  If you have to ask . . .

The Walking Alive

(Kr)  I'm overhearing this guy tell a terrible story about a motorcycle accident he was in.  Hit by a woman with Alzheimer's who was going 70 on the wrong side of the freeway.  He was thrown and was bleeding to death.  I think his leg was almost cut off.  Then the guy next to him goes, "But you survived?".  Not, "Hey, man.  You survived!".  Literally asking him if he survived.  He must have a strong belief in the supernatural.

(Ke)  I'm dying to know how he responded. Not literally dying.  I don't want to confuse anyone.

(Kr)  He said, "Yep.  I survived".  Not sarcastically.  Just informing him that he did, in fact, survive.  I was worried about the state of mind of all the participants in that conversation.

Dance Fever

(Kr)  I got this text last night from a PA number. .
Them:  Hey Muskan good news, Kapish is not having temp he can do dance tomm. Doing from Abhishek mobile.
Me:  Hi. Who is this?  You have the wrong number, but glad to hear about the temp.
Them:  Neelam. I'm sorry.

Sorry?  For the best text I've ever received?

(Ke)  Too bad the fever is gone. According to 1970's cinema,  that's just what one wants for dancing. Especially on a Saturday night.  So, can we get tickets to that dance or...?

(Kr)  I'll get the tickets if you can spot us airfare to Pennsylvania.

Daylight Losing Time

(Kr)  I'm trying this experiment with daylight savings time where I show up two hours late for everything.  You know, really get the people thinking about whether or not they leapt the wrong way.

(Ke)  Surely the consequences will fall to those people.

(Kr)  Yeah, I may have missed important events in my life.  But I'm so avant garde.  You wouldn't understand, forward leaper!

(Ke)  I leap neither forward nor backward.

(Kr)  Status quo Arizonian.  Even worse.  You don't take chances, man.  We in the rest of the time zones stand for something.  Even if it's something we are mandated by law to stand for.

(Ke)  Arizona doesn't want to confuse people about when Walmart opens.

(Kr)  Solid point.  Well, I gotta go to work.

(Ke)  Good for you!  Seriously, good for you.

(Kr)  Yeah, I'm really fortunate.  I was supposed to be there two hours ago.  I'll just walk in the door and yell, "Art!".

(Ke)  Genius.  They'll totally get it.

(Kr)  Even if they don't, I will have done something that really matters.

(Ke)  Mom and Dad would love to have you back home.

(Kr)  Gladly.  They're in a state that respects leaps and springs.

(Ke)  And winters and Springs.  And winters.

iLluminated

(Kr)  Being that our texts have gone from green to blue, does that signify a higher level of consciousness?

(Ke)  I think it signifies a higher level of iPhone.

(Kr)  Sounds easier to manage.  I'm just conscious enough.

(Ke)  And they're iMessages, not texts.

(Kr)  Excuse me, enlightened one.

(Ke)  Anyway, being more conscious sounds reeeeeally hard.

(Kr)  Higher states of anything are hard.  It took me forever to get past the last level of Qbert.  That was 6th grade, the last known event of me "pushing myself".

(Ke)  Pace yourself.  That was only about 30 years ago.

Let's Absolutely Not Get Physical

(Ke)   Are you in a good place emotionally?  Look at what our mother has done to my two year old son.

(Kr)  Details.  Immediately. 

(Ke) Oh, it gets better.  http://www.jibjab.com/view/clAeJ42tBFulIMUBhJly Get a pen and paper ready because you will have questions for Mom.

(Kr)  Oh my god.  What the...?!  I cannot stop laughing and I cannot stop watching. 

(Ke)  I can't stop worrying about Mom.  I'm disturbed in the most hilarious way possible.  I asked her to make a Jib Jab for Bronx and Zolly but this isn't quite what I expected. 

(Kr)  There's no way she watched it. 

(Ke) Absolutely not.  No way.  Clearly she doesn't know what the song is about?

Bronx is ripped and Zolly is really pretty limber.  Although I don't know how that body is supporting her head. 

(Kr) The message to them at the beginning is so sweet and innocent then BAM!

(Ke)  Stop it!  I'm going to have nightmares!

I never noticed Bronx's double chin. Or his five o'clock shadow. 

(Kr)  Jib Jab needs to step up their game.  Have you talked to Mom about it?  You might want to let her know before she shares it with her church group. 

(Ke) Yes, I just talked her.  She only watched the beginning and is laughing as hard as we are.  

(Kr)  Impossible. 

*posted with permission from our hilarious, Jib Jab lovin' mom, Janet Lanphear (We love you, Mom)

Love Comes In Small Packages

(Ke)

I ALWAYS think this says Most Flushable Wipes at first glance then I realize there's no "i" in most.  There is, however, an "I" in "Lord I love these wipes" and "Where have these wipes been my adult life?".

(Kr)  Just so I'm clear, your soul mate is a package of adult wipes?  Mazel tov?

H2nO!

(Ke)  Bronx went over by the dog dishes while I was feeding Zolly and then I hear "aaaaaaahhhhh" indicating he was refreshed.

(Kr)  He. Did. Not.

(Ke)  I wish he hadn't.

(Kr)  Good lord.

(Ke)  At least he's hydrating.

There Is One Substitute For A Mother's Love

(Ke)  Did Mom call you?

(Kr)  No. Why?

(Ke)  I talked to her today.  I told her you were sick. She said she was going to call you.

(Kr)  Guess she doesn't love me. That's ok.  I have my cough syrup with codeine.

Name Shame

(Kr)  Do you have an amazon code for free shipping?

(Ke)  We have Amazon prime under Joel's account.  Jose's.  What the fuck?  How's.  What the hell?!?!  Joe's.

(Kr)  Geesh. Slut.

Melts In Your Mind, Not In Your Mouth

(Kr)  Somebody was just eating a grilled cheese on t.v. and I craned my neck to get a better look.

(Ke)  What channel?  I love a good t.v. dinner.

(Kr)  Get your eyes off my virtual melty sandwich. Can't anything be just mine?

(Ke)  I'll just check Food Network. I don't need you.

Warning: This Is Only A Testes

(Kr)  

Hey, Target.  No other way to describe kid's pajamas with assorted sports balls and puppies on them? 

(Ke)  Now is that $11 per dog ball?  Because that's not half bad. 

(Kr)  I guess the testicle is always half full, according to you. 

(Ke)  Are we still talking about pajamas? 

Keep It Simple, Stupid

(Kr) 

Guess it was just too complex for the Burbank mall. 

(Ke)  Or too street.  Burbank is finicky.  But just not finicky enough to have had it in the first place. 

(Kr)  All of the tacky sequined dress shops are still in business, so that's reassuring? 

(Ke)  Phew.  Now just a quick trip to Old Town Scottsdale to pick up turquoise for every part of your body and your wardrobe is complete. 

Clap Along With The Music

(Kr)  Ke$ha really makes me feel my age.  In a way I'm really proud of.  I guess it's because I haven't vomited on myself in quite some time.  And I think Kri$ta looks ridiculous.

(Ke)  I get an $TD every time I hear her.

(Kr)  Her disco nap is my version of going to bed at a decent hour

Smooth Criminal

(Kr)  Quick drugstore tip:  Never buy the first lotion in the row.  Somebody has definitely tested the lotion consistency of the first in line.  And that somebody is most like me.

(Ke)  You owe Walgreen's $890.67. They are looking for you.  And why do they have my number?

(Kr)  I hide in open spaces.  Come and get me corporate America.

(Ke)  Tough guy.  Oh, and buy your lotion at Target.  Everyone knows those drugstore prices will get ya.

(Kr)  A) Don't tell me what to do.
         2)  Thank you for the suggestion.

Leaflet

(Kr)  I just saw a scene in a movie, from just a few years ago mind you, where a guy was looking up a number in the phone book.  How far does Hollywood expect me to suspend my disbelief?

(Ke)  We still use our phone book as an obstacle to step over to get in our front door.  It's doing a great job of collecting leaves and we're doing a great job of not moving it for months.

Show Stopper

(Kr) I'm watching tv, so seems like a logical time for Marc to start vacuuming, right?

(Ke) I'm sure it's just coincidence.

(Kr) Interesting theory.  Now the quiet cleaning has started, so I don't mind so much.

(Ke) Just turn up the volume and enjoy.