A Reality Show Within a Reality Show

(Ke)  I think Joe is watching The Bachelorette in the living room.  Alone.  And it's not like it's just on.  He had to go into the recordings to watch it.

(Kr)  This is priceless information.

(Ke)  It's been confirmed.  He's catching me up about Bentley.  He "hates Ashley".  She's an "airhead".

(Kr)  I'm in awe.  Is he ashamed?  Or proud?

(Ke)  I mean, he is watching it.  Not reluctantly with me while messing with his phone or falling asleep.  On the elliptical, glasses on, focused.  There is no shame.  Zero.  He's too interested.  Way more than me, which is not at all.

(Kr)  There are no words.

(Ke)  There never are.  He thinks it's cool they get to go places.  He just doesn't understand why Bentley would fly all the way to Hong Kong to tell her he doesn't want to be with herZ

(Kr)  Ummmmm...free trip to Hong Kong.

(Ke)  Good pointZ

(Kr)  Any particular reason you keep putting a Z after every sentence?  I'm watching Going The Distance and really enjoying it.

(Ke)  I have my reasonZ.  What's that?

(Kr)  Look it up, lazy ass.

(Ke)  I will check it out.  From Blockbuster.  Then check it out.  As in watch it.

(Kr)  You're going to run Blockbuster straight into the ground, huh?

(Ke)  Hey, they're doing it to themselves.

(Kr)  They're trying to be sweet by giving you free movies and you're just going to use and abuse.  Real nice.

(Ke)  They want me to take their free movies then not finish them in a timely manner and pay $.99 per day per movie in late fees.  It's working in their favor, believe me.

(Kr)  I'm on your side.  Except I think you return them on time.  Yes?

(Ke)  We have three overdue now and three we returned yesterday that were a day late.  We can't watch 3 movies in a day.  Who are we kidding?

(Kr)  Yourselves?

(Ke)  Correct.  Joe just did a solid hour on the elliptical.  "The Bachelorette carried him through to fitness and weight loss".  He's getting too involved.

(Kr)  He's committed.

(Ke)  He should be committed.  I just downloaded my first book on the Kindle app on my iPhone: Olive Kitteridge.  Nikki suggested reading it.

(Kr)  What's it about?  I know, look it up.

(Ke)  I don't know yet.  And that.  Lazy ass.

(Kr)  For the record, you went to bed an hour and a half ago.

(Ke)  I know.  That's what my eyes are sayingZ

(Kr)  I think those Zs are telling you the right thing to do.

(Ke)  I better listen.  Night now.

(Kr)  Night night.

Sargeant Sister

(Ke)  Today was my first two-a-day.

(Kr)  Workout?

(Ke)  Yep.  I'm on a mission.

(Kr)  I need to get motivated.  Help me . . .  Motivate me . . . Be my sensei . . .

(Ke)  You want to be able to fit into my dress that I wore 5 months pregnant for your wedding?  That kind of motivation?

(Kr)  Maybe take it up half a notch, coach.

(Ke)  You have an awesome gym, nice weather and lots of hills.  There's motivation all around you.

(Kr)  You motivate me!!  Mountains and sunshine don't speak!!

(Ke)  Get your ass out there or I'll never speak to you again!!

(Kr)  Woah.

(Ke)  Too much?  I took the military/junior high approach.

(Kr)  It works on you.

(Ke)  You're my best friend.  Now drop and give me 20.

(Kr)  Will I still be your best friend?

(Ke)  I guess. . .

Don't Get All Bentley Out Of Shape

(Ke)  What you doing?

(Kr)  Just watching The Bachelorette.  Drinking some wine.

(Ke)  You'd have to.

(Kr)  If I drank every time somebody said connection, I'd have alcohol poisoning.

(Ke)  New drinking game.  You're still into drinking games, right?

(Kr)  I do see the drinking game happening.  Only when they revolve around reality dating shows.  I have class, after all.

(Ke)  Did she find out about Bentley?  I just heard the phrase "man claws"  on that show.

(Kr)  Oh, yeah.  That's old hat.

(Ke)  Well, excuuuuuuuse me.

(Kr)  In what context was man claws used?

(Ke)  One of the guys said, "The man claws are gonna come out."  I love the cuts to the raised eyebrows and wide eyes.

(Kr)  Are you Bachelorette-ing it?

(Ke)  I am now.  I'm not proud.

(Kr)  You're ahead of me.  That's what you get for living in Phoenix.  You're watching tonight's episode?

(Ke)  No, when they went to Phuket.

(Kr)  They're still in Thailand.  I didn't see all of last week.

(Ke)  I guess it didn't record.

(Kr)  Now we're seriously taking The Bachelorette.  I won't have it!

(Ke)  What happened after Bentley left?  Seriously?!

Milk Shake Weight

(Ke)  Joe's about to do a post-ice cream elliptical session.

(Kr)  Bad.  Idea.

(Ke)  I've mentioned that.

(Kr)  I just remembered that Shake Weight I bought.  Maybe keeping it under the bed isn't a top-notch idea.

(Ke)  Oh snap!  Bust it out!

(Kr)  But, I've had "a" glass of wine.

(Ke)  Stay away from the Shake Weight.

(Kr)  That hasn't been an issue, as aforementioned.

Throwing A Fit(ness)

(Ke)  Joe is dedicated to weight loss and fitness.  Dedication doesn't tire.

(Kr)  Has he been on that thing for hours?

(Ke)  No.  21 minutes.  "40 more to go".  He keeps whispering, "Dedicated to weight loss and fitness." to himself.  Then every once in a while he'll yell, "Come on!"  And he's calling me coach.

(Kr)  Whew!  I needed that laugh.  Joe's the best.  Can he live with us?

(Ke)  I guess so.

(Kr)  Yes!  We'll clean out the closet on our deck.  He'll be super comfy there.

(Ke)  He can sleep anywhere.  Anywhere.

(Kr)  And our gym has five treadmills.  He can whisper to himself all day.

(Ke)  Now he just keeps saying, "It just got hard on me".  But it sounds like "hot".  And he just let out a "fitness burp".

(Kr)  It got hard on him is something I'd never like to hear or read ever again.  But, once again, I'd give anything to be in your living room.  I'm going to bed, but I'll set my alarm for every 15 minutes in case you send a video.

(Ke)  Sounds like a restful night.  Love you.

Fight Or Fight

(Ke)

My nipples have packed up and moved inside my body.

(Kr)  Toof!  Nipples packed what...?

(Ke)  Their bags.  They saw that tooth comin' and ran.

Assenine

(Kr)  When was the last time you really just went all out and called someone a butthole?

(Ke)  I'm not sure but I'm pretty confident you were on the receiving end.

(Kr)  How very rude but, mostly likely, accurate.

(Ke)  I'm sure you deserved it.  I don't use that term willy nilly.  I also don't use willy nilly willy nilly.

(Kr)  Oh, but you'll just use willy nilly at the drop of a hat.  You same-time joked me.

(Ke)  You owe me some coke.  That's how that saying goes, right?

Emoticon Artist

(Kr)  I need to have an intervention with you.  Although, I guess if I'm telling you, it's not much of an intervention.  It's about the emoticons.

(Ke)  I use them sparingly.

(Kr)  It's just that you use them.  You're better than that, man.

(Ke)  I like a smiley face now and then.  So sue me.  But, don't.  That would be a ridiculous law suit.

(Kr)  You think I'd approach you before I contacted my lawyer?  Expect a call.

Don't Wash, Cringe, Repeat

(Ke)  I'm going to try to nap. By the way, this is what I look like right now.  In from of my son.  A human child.

(Kr)  I haven't washed my hair in 4 days.  So.....  Dry shampoo is genius.  Genius.

(Ke)  Genius at making you believe your hair is clean.

(Kr)  It is!  Take your nap!!

For (Ce)real?

(Ke)  I don't feel like cereal anymore.

(Kr)  That is most unfortunate.  Especially because I really wanted cereal.

(Ke)  Go ahead.  It doesn't affect your cereal.

(Kr)  It does physically.

(Ke)  I can't talk about poop.  I can't talk about ants.  What can I talk about?

(Kr)  Oy!  You've got a full parade there.

(Ke)  Oh, it's a regular Macy's Day.

Joedonna

(Ke)  I asked Joe to throw in a load of whites and he said , "Papa don't bleach".

(Kr)  Oh boy . . .

(Ke)  That didn't happen.  What did happen was Joe telling me to text that to you.

(Kr)  I don't know which is worse.  Or best.

MacKelster

(Ke)  I thought I had a pretty good handle (pardon the pun) on my Swiffering strength but apparently I worked it too hard.

(Kr)  It's the blue wire!  Don't cut the red one!!  (I've just always wanted to say that.)

(Ke)  Too late.  Demolition has inadvertently begun on the kitchen.

What To Expect . . .

(Ke)  A woman at Trader Joe's just told her daughter to button her pants when she came out of the restroom then asked her if she washed her hands.  She said no and the woman was cool with it.  She was too busy texting to care about her daughter's grubby little hands.

(Kr)  Motherhood sounds like a breeze.  You make little people and then either boss them around or ignore them.

(Ke)  It's a perfect combo.  And I don't even have to get dressed up.  Or dressed.

(Kr)  Sounds like marriage.  Bah dum bum.  I mean, am I right ladies?

Babytraz

(Ke)  I think the purpose of the breathable bumpers has been defeated.

(Kr)  That Bronxy is a real problem solver/maker.

(Ke)  They are somehow making him even more mobile in his crib. They are magical. He could not be less interested in taking a nap now.

(Kr)  He wants to run free from that wooden prison.

(Ke)  He gets three squares a day and plenty of rec time.  What else does he want?

The Light Crystal

(Ke)  I've been using bobby pins the wrong way.  To be fair I only had a 50% chance of getting it right.

(Kr)  They're a modern mystery.

(Ke)  How did I just realize this after, oh, 30 or so years of using them?  Wait, now I'm not sure I'm using them wrong.  Which way is up?

(Kr)  I don't use them because of that very reason.  It's just too torturous.

(Ke)  Like this?

Or this?

Ok, you can't see the difference.  At all.

(Kr)  You're messing with my head.  In the most mundane way possible.

(Ke)  Which reminds me, I've been thinking I look like an elf when my hair is tucked behind my ear and Joe confirmed it yesterday, unprovoked.  Not unprovoked. What's the word?

(Kr)  Unprovoked.

(Ke)  Unsolicited.

(Kr)  We are both a little elfin.  Embrace it.

(Ke)  I didn't know!  Nobody told me!

(Kr)  It's better to find out on your own.  I must go sleepy bears now.  Love you.

(Ke)  Love you, Kira.

Accidental Demo

(Kr)  You just called me.  Did you realize?

(Ke)  No.  Was I singing about milkies?

(Kr)  You were singing about something.

(Ke)  How did I sound?

(Kr)  Very professional.

(Ke)  Oh, good.  That had potential to be really embarrassing.

Idol Chatter

(Kr)  Blake Shelton is a cutie.

(Ke)  He is.  I'm going to search for the first season of American Idol on You Tube.  I'm sure it's just as big of a spectacle except Ruben Studdard won't be there.  I don't care how many people had to die.  I think Spiderman is going to be good and I want to see it.

(Kr)  What did this American Idol reunion stem from?

(Ke)  I'm watching the season finale.

(Kr)  I'd make out with Adam Levine.

(Ke)  Um, duh.

(Kr)  The finale from this year?

(Ke)  Yep.  I'd only seen the results.  I wanted to get to the meat of it.  Il Volo weirds me out.

(Kr)  Didn't we talk Il Volo?

(Ke)  Yes, but I need to punctuate my feelings toward them.

(Kr)  They are strange to be sure.

(Ke)  I can't quite put my finger on it.  Something is awry.

(Kr)  It's glasses dude.  And they're all the same color.

(Ke)  It IS glasses dude.  Oh, please do yourself a favor and watch some season 1 American Idol.  There's not enough room for two hosts with Ryan Seacrests's frosty tips on the stage.  Remember when they could only choose from about 10 songs?

(Kr)  He was super frosty.

(Ke)  Dunkleman was in way over his head.

(Kr)  Brian Dumbkleman.  Am I right?

(Ke)  You're right.  You are right.  He's just sitting in Seacrest's blonde shadow.  Who's standing next to Carrie Underwood at the finale of season 4?

(Kr)  Is it Rascal Flatt's dude?

(Ke)  I meant the other contestant.  Please don't tell me you knew that from memory.

(Kr)  I just Googled American Idol season 4 Carrie.

(Ke)  You're on board.  Nice.

(Kr)  How would I look up what you're talking about?

(Ke)  My point is what happened to him?  And did Rascal Flatts get a chin tuck?

(Kr)  The runner up?

(Ke)  Yes.

(Kr)  Bo Bice?

(Ke)  Yes.

(Kr)  Oh, that's Bo Bice.

(Ke)  Thanks for clarifying.

(Kr)  You asked.

(Ke)  Like an hour ago.

(Kr)  Sorry I couldn't research your completely obscure reference more quickly.  I'm really getting a crush on Adam Levine.  Christian Slater powered.

(Ke)  Oh no.  Danger.  Danger!

Talons Of Talent

(Ke)  Paul Simon's fingernails are the most disgusting/well manicured I've ever seen.

(Kr)  I didn't look close enough.  What's disgusting?

(Ke)  Google them.

(Kr)  I can't find a good picture.  Ewwww.  Found a picture.  So ladylike.

(Ke)  Yet werewolf like.

(Kr)  I guess being a werewolf gets ya paid.

(Ke)  I could see them when he was on SNL.  I so wanted them to be yellow and nasty.  I really don't know which is creepier.

Freudian Compl(t)ex(t)

(Ke) We are going to eat our second burger of the fat.  Hahahahah.  Day.  God bless autocorrect.

(Kr)  It's subconscious correct.

It's The Simple Things

(Kr)  When I don't put pressure on myself to look cute, packing is a whole lot easier.

Veggie Tales From The Crypt

(Kr)  People who bring oatmeal raisin cookies to a party deserve death, right?

(Ke)  That's a bit extreme.  It's people who bring veggie trays that deserve death.

Pho Sure

(Kr)  Just had the tastiest pho.  You would have approved.

(Ke)  I always approve tasty pho.

(Kr)  And I approve this (text) message.