Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Boring Dreams Are Made Of These

(Ke)  I had a dream last night that Sarah Palin gave me a bunch of cool aprons and Hillary Clinton gave me a bunch of suits.

(Kr)  Political wardrobe dreams.  Hmmmmmm.....

(Ke)  Don't read too much into it.  I just like women's work and smart suits.

Faking Amends

(Ke)  Oprah's show has turned into bringing people on to find out if they're mad at her or why they thought she was mad at them.

(Kr)  Ha.  Who's on today?

(Ke)  Roseanne.

(Kr)  Oh, boy.  That sounds like a shot storm.  Shit.  My phone won't let me swear.  I think it's a nun.

(Ke)  Not really.  It was very junior high.  First Whoopie Goldberg now Roseanne.  "I thought you were mad at me."  "I thought you were mad at me."  "Hugsies!!!"

Monday, March 28, 2011

Epi-did

(Kr)  Just epiduraled.

(Ke)  From what I understand that's much less painful than being epiladied.  You got off easy.

(Kr)  And they don't give ya the good drugs.  I go nighty night now.

(Ke)  Night night....mommy?

(Kr)  Still an auntie.  Too tired to carry the baby.

Epi-doing

(Kr)  Getting my epidural tomorrow morn at 10 am.  Just letting ya know.

(Ke)  Ok, Kreets.  Don't leave without the baby.

(Kr)  I totally would have forgotten.

(Ke)  I don't believe that.

Friday, March 25, 2011

I Scream Headache

(Kr)  Have you seen this ice cream flavored gum?  It probably defeats the purpose if I eat the whole pack in one sitting. 

(Ke)  Nah.  Go for it. 

Diaper Hyper

(Kr)  Just had an iceberg lettuce sandwich, which is weird since I order chicken salad.

(Ke)  Chef's choice.  Surprise?

(Kr)  Surprise wasn't the word.

(Ke)  Bronx and I are just chillin' in our diapers....I mean underwear...ok, I mean diapers.  I don't want him to feel self conscious plus it's reeeeeeal convenient.  I can watch 3 episodes of Mad Men without getting up.

(Kr)  He has your bladder fer sher.

(Ke)  We've decided Luvs are our favorite.  They're very fashionable and oh so comfy for casual lounging...as opposed to formal lounging.  We reserve Pampers for those times.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Chides Play

(Kr)  The Dr. told me epidurals can cause mood disorders.  Thanks for the heads up.

(Ke)  Good mood disorders though, right?

(Kr)  Yeah, the best disorders.  When do you think you can come for visits anyways?

(Ke)  Probably Abril.  (That's April to our Spanish speaking folks.)

(Kr)  April is good...if you're lame.

(Ke)  Keep talkin' and you won't see the kid until 2012.

(Kr)  Keep talkin' and you won't.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Pump Up The Jam

(Ke)  I'm out on the town.  Wish you were here.

(Kr)  Nice!  Where are ya?

(Ke)  A wine bar.  The DJ just started playing good music.  It's called The Living Room.

(Kr)  In Scottsdale?  Who ya with?

(Ke)  With Vicki and Joe.  I wish I had my pump with me.  I needs to get rid of these milks.

(Kr)  Just milk yourself.

(Ke)  I'm going to have to.

(Kr)  Glad you're whoopin' it up.  We are at Johnny Rocket's with the pups.  All 3.

(Ke)  Get a shake.

(Kr)  Malted it.

(Ke)  And melted it.

(Kr)  Marc's melting it.

(Ke)  Niiiiiiice.

Giddy Down

(Ke)  Bronx has been sleeping for 4 hours and farting for 2.

(Kr)  I miss his farts.  We are going to City Walk.

(Ke)  I wanna go.

(Kr)  It's gonna be totes fun.

(Ke)  Whatcha gonna do?

(Kr)  Saddle Ranch. Shit just got real.

(Ke)  A little Saturday night bull riding?

(Kr)  Nick the bartender just bought us shots. He obviously doesn't get how non-shotty we are.

(Ke)  Nick is a peach...schnapps.

(Kr)  He sure was.  Ya know when ya buy a new pair of jeans and you wash them to fit just right and then you wear to them to do a li'l rib eatin' and you danggum get sauce on 'em?  Living that.

(Ke)  Are your jeans going to make it?

(Kr)  It was a little touch and go but they're in recovery now.

(Ke)  Please give them a little hug for me.  I'm sure they'll pull through.

(Kr)  I know they will.  They're so young.

(Ke)  More importantly, how were the ribs?  And did you go 8 seconds?

(Kr)  The ribs were tasty and I went 0 seconds.

(Ke)  Wow.  That's not very good.  Maybe next time.  There's a Saddle Ranch here.  We'll have a bull riding contest when you visit.

(Kr)  Can I (not) think about it?

(Ke)  I know your answer.  I'll get my hat and boots ready.

(Kr)  And your chaps.  The assess ones.  Assless.

(Ke)  I'll need the asses one.

(Kr)  I'm going double asses.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Butt, It Was Cheap

(Kr) Think of the worst toilet paper ever, then imagine it 95% thinner and coarser. That's what I currently have in my bathroom.

(Ke) You and your Rite Aid b.w.

Boys Out The Hood

(Kr)  I've decided I'm not a fan of hooded shirts on men.  Hoodies are good.  No thin shirts with hoods.

(Ke)  I don't dislike them necessarily but they are far and away inferior to the hoodie.  You know it.  I know it.  The thin shirt with the hood knows it.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Empire Waist Strikes Back

(Ke)  I'm not convinced Carrie Fisher has it in her.  And it is just me or does it feel like Jenny Craig hired a crazy old cat lady?

(Kr)  Crazy old drug lady.  Those serious ads make me feel weird. . .and not in a John Taylor kind of way.

(Ke)  She lost 12 pounds but she's still wearing those stretchy pants.

(Kr)  Nude colored?

(Ke)  No, but still.

(Kr)  I hear ya, sister girl.

(Ke)  That again?

(Kr)  Oh, yes, sister girl, yes.  I go nightys.  In my nighty pants.  Love guy.  You, but love guy, too.

(Ke)  Nighty night.  Love guy.

Return Of The Jelly Belly

(Kr)  Carrie Fisher was referenced in my dream.  I blame you.

(Ke)  What was she doing besides being bat shit crazy?

Monday, March 14, 2011

Pump My Lovely Lady Lumps

(Ke)  Joe and I are on our third beer.  Gonna be a pump 'n dump night.

(Kr)  Glad you're having a good time.  And gross.

I Don't Think You're Ready For This Jealousy

(Ke)  Eating a delicious dinner Husby Bear made me:  flank steak, rice pilaf, and spinach with garlic and parmesan.  So freakin' good.

(Kr) You.  Bitch.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Stoptee

(Ke)  Joe just asked me what I think about the goatee he has after he shaved.

(Kr)  Marc tried that with a mustache a few weeks ago.  He pretended he was going to keep it.  I said go ahead.  He shaved 5 minutes later.

(Ke)  I'd rather he have a barbershop quartet mustache.  He actually likes it and is going to work with it.

(Kr)  Yokes!  Yikes!!  And yokes.


(Joe)  It's not that bad.

  

(Kr)  If it was '94 and you were at a Blind Melon show.

(Ke)  I hate it so much.  He better start having an affair because I'm not going near it.

(Kr)  Mistresses will be swarming to him.  I give it 2 years to get a good affair started.  That's about how long it will take for my time machine to get done.

(Ke)  It scares me how much he likes it.

(Kr)  Oh, so I shouldn't insult it.  Like I just did.  To him.  I hope I didn't hurt his feelings.  Kind of.

(Ke)  No, he's laughing.  I guess I'll go buy him some Wranglers tomorrow.

(Ke)  He wants Marc's opinion.  Honest.

(Marc)  Badass.  Baaaad.  Aaaaaaasss.

The Measure Of A Man

(Ke) I've got a major crush on the guy from Lights Out.

(Kr) How does he rate on a scale of 1 to John Corbett?

(Ke) John Corbett + John Taylor.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

OprEye

(Kr)  Quick, list your favorite optometry store names:  Visualeyse.  Positive Eyeons.  Foureyes.  For Your Eyes Only.  Eye Candy.  Vision Quest.  Ok, I made that one up, but it rules.

(Ke)  This isn't fair.  I don't frequent them.  You have the advantage.  But I can see so I win.

(Kr)  New rule:  you can make them up.  Eyesetoner.

(Ke)  That makes no sense.  Disqualified!!

(Kr)  Fine, but it works on some levels.

(Ke)  Does it?  Does it really?  Do You See What I See?  Eyes Wide Shut.

(Kr)   Eye Heart Glasses.

(Ke)  Eye For An Eye.

(Kr)  Those are truly awful.  Eye'd Love To See Ya.  Eye'll Be Seeing You.  The Looking Glass.  All made up, by the way.  Sighted people have no imagination.  Why Eye Oughta.  Foresight Is 20/20.  Make A Spectacle (it's a play on build a bear).  R "eye" t This Way.  You're lagging.  A Perfect Vision.  Eye Spy.

(Ke)  Dang, I got sidetracked with breast feeding and changing diapers.  That's plural in 2 minutes.  You've clearly won.

(Kr)  Takes after his daddy.  Or were you breast feeding 2 people in 2 minutes?

(Ke)  Yep, I found another baby at the hospital.  He were hungry.

(Kr)  Random roaming babies are the best.  These excuses are getting tiresome.  Keep playing, quitter. Gotta work.  See how many more names you can come up with before I beat you.

(Ke)  I'll do my best but I'm pretty sucked into Oprah.  Ew.

(Kr)  Oprah is taking over your life.  It's time for an Oprahvention.

(Ke)  NO!!  I mean, I don't have a problem.

(Kr)  But the rehab center is in the Alps.

(Ke)  Or is it in the AAAAAAA-AAALPS?!?!

(Kr)  You need this.

(Ke)  I can beat it on my own.

(Kr)  If you don't go, I'm having ABC removed from your basic cable.

(Ke)  That's fine.  It's on CBS.

(Kr)  I'm not stupid.

(Ke)  If I need any kind of help it's to get me off the cake.  I've had a piece a day...sometimes two.

(Kr)  Quit diverting.

Girls On Boys On Film

(Kr) I learned two important things today: 1)if you don't eat like a pig, ya won't look like a pig and 2) Duran Duran has a new video and John Taylor looks (excuse the expression) smoking' hot.

(Ke) I must Google.

(Kr) The song blows, but tight pants abound.

(Ke) I heard the song and agree. Simon LeBon needs to shed a few pounds if he wants to wear his trousers so tight.  John Taylor can do whatever he wants. I'm on board.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Can't Resist A Soul Sista

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Just finished watching a movie.  And by watching, I mean sleeping.

(Kr)  I hear that, sister girl.

(Ke)  Just going to ignore that.  Pretend it never happened.

(Kr)  It happened, sister girl.

(Ke)  You're making it hard to ignore.

Baby Poppins

(Ke)  Joe and I are going to speak solely in a Cockney accent around Bronx just to see what happens.

(Kr)  That's genius.  He'll be begging for toppins a bag in no time.

(Ke)  And he'll get none!

(Kr)  But toppins a bag . . .

(Ke)  We'll spring it on him that it was all a big joke around age 5.  He'll have a nice laugh.

(Kr)  You mean 'avin a bubble baff.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Gross. Just Gross.

(Ke)  Your job is to think of a better term for dirty or poopy diapers.

(Kr)  Dingy butt holders?

(Ke)  I actually like that better which should give you an indication of how much I hate the others.

(Kr)  Shit britches?

(Ke)  Ding ding ding.  It's good but I'm going to need you to dig deeper.

(Kr)  Brown bags.  That's from Marc.

(Ke)  Not bad for a first timer.  Just to keep You in the loop, Joe is drinking Sanka. I predict regret.

(Kr)  I like the way you capitalize "You", like I'm royalty.  I deserve that kind of respect.

(Ke)  My phone is responsible for the random capitalizations. It's apparently the boss.

(Kr)  Oh, so your phone respects me?  Good to know.

(Ke)  It doesn't know any better.  That was uncalled for.

(Kr)  What's uncalled for?

(Ke)  Saying my phone doesn't know any better.

(Kr)  Yeah.  Mean.  Chocolate trousers.  "Excuse me, I must change Bronx's chocolate trousers.  I shall return momentarily to finish our game of Canasta."

(Ke)  We might have to move to the Hamptons to use that one.

(Kr)  Just get a Hamptons summer place.  No need to commit year round.  Just use the phrase seasonally.  Brown trouser basket.  Also courtesy of Marc.  Dirty Spine Napkin.  Marc's.  Rotten eel wrapper.  Again, Marc.  Filthy bum sneeze tissue.

(Ke)  These are all great entries.

(Kr)  Yep, halfway through Must Love Cats. It's happening.

Lip Smack Attack

(Kr) Listening to strangers eat is definitely in my top 2 things I dislike doing.

(Ke)  You know mouth noises are my least favorite things

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Delivedible

(Ke)  Apparently the demand for Edible Arrangements in Chandler is high enough to warrant its own van.

(Kr)  The only deliverable edible arrangement I like is pizza.

Grammy-tically Correct

(Ke)  What's going on with Xtina?  There's a problem when she's fatter then Jennifer Hudson.

(Kr)  Watching the Grammys?

(Ke)  After Justin Bieber and Usher performed, Joe looked at me, gave me a nod of approval, and said, "The Bieb sure can dance."

(Kr)  Why is he feigning disinterest?  I know he's been a fan.  I just know it.

(Ke)  Oh, he wasn't.  He's into it.

(Kr)  I've never actually known anyone with Bieber Fever before.  He should see about getting a vaccination while he's at the hospital.

(Joe)  I don't want a vaccination.

(Kr)  How about an exorcism?

(Joe)  You should find a cure for thinking creepy old washed up musicians are sexy disease.

(Ke)  Sorry, he just takes my phone.

(Kr)  John Taylor is hot.  Period.  Deal with it.  He's so passionate about the Biebs.

(Joe)  Don't post this to your blog because you will lose followers.

(Ke)  It's me again.  I don't think there's a danger in that and, yes, his passion runs deep.

(Kr)  Get to the psych ward now.

(Ke)  Jaden Smith definitely deserves to be performing at the Grammys.

(Kr)  Definitely.  He's worked so hard.  At annoying the shit out of me.

(Ke)  Bob Dylan needs a lozenge.

(Kr)  Since birth.

(Ke)  Sometimes it's time to bow out gracefully.  He missed that chance about 30 years ago.

(Kr)  Grammys aren't on here yet.

(Ke)  Oh, shit.  Sorry about that.  I guess I ruined it.  Or gave you a warning:  Bob Dylan performs.  He's unreasonably horrible.

(Kr)  How is Jakob Dylan so dreamy?

(Ke)  How's got a few good years but that Bob is creeping in.

(Kr)  Christina Aguilera is turning into Stevie Nicks in all the wrong ways.

(Ke)  If she busts out the flowing scarfs the transformation will be complete.  My crush on Eminem is back and deep as ever.

(Kr)  I just want Jennifer Hudson to stop yelling at me.

(Ke)  She can yell at me all day long as long as she doesn't act again.

(Kr)  Hallelujah, girlfriend.  Sorry, that's sister girlfriend.

(Ke)  I was going to say.  Can't I just enjoy a Grammy Awards without having to listen to Ellen K?

(Kr)  Nope.  It's in the Constitution.  What was Ricky Martin wearing?  Cellophane pants are for the bedroom, Rick.

(Ke)  I haven't seen him.  Now I have something to look forward to.

(Kr)  He introduced Lady GaGa.

(Ke)  Ah, I missed it.  Thank god for DVRs.  That Matthew Morrison segment feels like an SNL sketch.  A reeeeeal awkward one.

(Kr)  You're way ahead of me.

(Ke)  I know.  Just preparing you for embarrassment.  You'll have time to finish that sweater you've been trying to knit during Mick Jagger's performance.

(Kr)  Ugh.  A self-serving performance?

(Ke)  I have no idea.  I tuned out.  Joe "doesn't care for Streisand".

(Kr)  No straight man does.

(Ke)  What's it going to take to get Eminem to smile?

(Kr)  Tickle time?

(Ke)  I think the tickler would get punched.  Please don't do bits, Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony.

(Kr)  Please don't do anything, Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony.

(Ke)  Puff Daddy jumped on the gold teef wagon about 10 years after the fact.

(Kr)  The peacock outfit Cee Lo rocked was so slimming.

(Ke)  Sadly, I think it was.  Gwyneth Paltrow has won me over.

(Kr)  Oh, snap!  I thought that was a Muppet.

(Ke)  I thought it was Ke$ha at first.  I would have been relieved to find out it was a Muppet.

(Kr)  I'm absolutely John Mayer is moonlighting as a pirate.  Absolutely positive.  I'm not absolutely John Mayer or I'd be a rich bastard.

(Ke)  And a serious asshole.  Mommy go night night.  Love you.

(Kr)  Love you.