Slim-Slow

(Ke) I just had a shake and a senseless dinner for lunch.

(Kr) Their would be no diet without die.

(Ke) That'd be like burgers without fries or ice cream without chocolate sauce. And whipped cream. And a gooey brownie. Ok, I get what you're saying.

Dissociative Skin Identity Disorder

(Ke)



So I've finally come to terms with my age. Yet I'm still using products to prevent breakouts. Going through never ending puberty with crows feet is confusing.

(Kr) Maybe they're teenage crows.

The Candy Woman Can

(Ke) I just convinced Bronx to do his breathing treatment by giving him "candy", which is Claritin and prednisone. FBI, I'm ready for that negotiator job.

(Kr) Should I admire or fear you?

(Ke) A healthy amount of both wouldn't be beyond the realm of appropriate.

Scent Of Half A Woman

(Kr)

Staring down the barrel of a broken deodorant with one pit to go. In a bit of a 127 Hours situation. 

(Ke)  Just be sure to stand/sit next to people deodorized side in. Not an issue. 

(Kr)  You're the Swiss Army knife of sisters. 

Semen Sermon

(Kr) Hey, ready for Obnoxious Twin Questions: Baby Edition?

(Ke) I have been waiting.

(Kr) "So, do you want a baby now because your sister has one?" Yes! Of course I base all my major life choices on a No-fair!-Keleigh-has-one! philosophy.

(Ke) Copy cattin' your way through life. Makes sense.

(Kr) I love unsolicited advice. Hey stranger, when you ask if I have kids and I say not yet, don't tell me I'd better get started. You get started. Minding your own reproductive business. Also, don't ask if we're "trying." If I wanted you to know about my sex life, I'd do porn.

(Ke) Consider porn just to get people off your back. Plus extra money will be nice. You know, for your kids.

A Buncha Lunch

(Ke) 100 jump ropes, 20 dumbbell presses 20 lunches, 15 curls. Next round 200, 25, 25, 20. Next round: 300, 30, 30, 25. Finished with some double unders and sit ups. Followed by puking because that was too many lunches. Do lunges instead.

(Kr) If there's a bulk lunch option, I'm skipping the other rigmarole.

Pixel Cut

(Ke)  How do I ask for this hair without sounding crazy?

(Kr)  Totally sane and chic to look like an animated movie character.

(Ke)  A video game character WITHIN an animated movie.  Doubly hip.

(Kr)  Bad news.  You're going to lose 10 chic points for using the phrase doubly hip.  That's gotta sting.

(Ke)  That's fine.  I have regenerative powers with my new hair so that makes up for any lost chic points.  I just lost more points, didn't I?

(Kr)  If you have to ask . . .

The Walking Alive

(Kr)  I'm overhearing this guy tell a terrible story about a motorcycle accident he was in.  Hit by a woman with Alzheimer's who was going 70 on the wrong side of the freeway.  He was thrown and was bleeding to death.  I think his leg was almost cut off.  Then the guy next to him goes, "But you survived?".  Not, "Hey, man.  You survived!".  Literally asking him if he survived.  He must have a strong belief in the supernatural.

(Ke)  I'm dying to know how he responded. Not literally dying.  I don't want to confuse anyone.

(Kr)  He said, "Yep.  I survived".  Not sarcastically.  Just informing him that he did, in fact, survive.  I was worried about the state of mind of all the participants in that conversation.

Dance Fever

(Kr)  I got this text last night from a PA number. .
Them:  Hey Muskan good news, Kapish is not having temp he can do dance tomm. Doing from Abhishek mobile.
Me:  Hi. Who is this?  You have the wrong number, but glad to hear about the temp.
Them:  Neelam. I'm sorry.

Sorry?  For the best text I've ever received?

(Ke)  Too bad the fever is gone. According to 1970's cinema,  that's just what one wants for dancing. Especially on a Saturday night.  So, can we get tickets to that dance or...?

(Kr)  I'll get the tickets if you can spot us airfare to Pennsylvania.

Daylight Losing Time

(Kr)  I'm trying this experiment with daylight savings time where I show up two hours late for everything.  You know, really get the people thinking about whether or not they leapt the wrong way.

(Ke)  Surely the consequences will fall to those people.

(Kr)  Yeah, I may have missed important events in my life.  But I'm so avant garde.  You wouldn't understand, forward leaper!

(Ke)  I leap neither forward nor backward.

(Kr)  Status quo Arizonian.  Even worse.  You don't take chances, man.  We in the rest of the time zones stand for something.  Even if it's something we are mandated by law to stand for.

(Ke)  Arizona doesn't want to confuse people about when Walmart opens.

(Kr)  Solid point.  Well, I gotta go to work.

(Ke)  Good for you!  Seriously, good for you.

(Kr)  Yeah, I'm really fortunate.  I was supposed to be there two hours ago.  I'll just walk in the door and yell, "Art!".

(Ke)  Genius.  They'll totally get it.

(Kr)  Even if they don't, I will have done something that really matters.

(Ke)  Mom and Dad would love to have you back home.

(Kr)  Gladly.  They're in a state that respects leaps and springs.

(Ke)  And winters and Springs.  And winters.

iLluminated

(Kr)  Being that our texts have gone from green to blue, does that signify a higher level of consciousness?

(Ke)  I think it signifies a higher level of iPhone.

(Kr)  Sounds easier to manage.  I'm just conscious enough.

(Ke)  And they're iMessages, not texts.

(Kr)  Excuse me, enlightened one.

(Ke)  Anyway, being more conscious sounds reeeeeally hard.

(Kr)  Higher states of anything are hard.  It took me forever to get past the last level of Qbert.  That was 6th grade, the last known event of me "pushing myself".

(Ke)  Pace yourself.  That was only about 30 years ago.

Let's Absolutely Not Get Physical

(Ke)   Are you in a good place emotionally?  Look at what our mother has done to my two year old son.

(Kr)  Details.  Immediately. 

(Ke) Oh, it gets better.  http://www.jibjab.com/view/clAeJ42tBFulIMUBhJly Get a pen and paper ready because you will have questions for Mom.

(Kr)  Oh my god.  What the...?!  I cannot stop laughing and I cannot stop watching. 

(Ke)  I can't stop worrying about Mom.  I'm disturbed in the most hilarious way possible.  I asked her to make a Jib Jab for Bronx and Zolly but this isn't quite what I expected. 

(Kr)  There's no way she watched it. 

(Ke) Absolutely not.  No way.  Clearly she doesn't know what the song is about?

Bronx is ripped and Zolly is really pretty limber.  Although I don't know how that body is supporting her head. 

(Kr) The message to them at the beginning is so sweet and innocent then BAM!

(Ke)  Stop it!  I'm going to have nightmares!

I never noticed Bronx's double chin. Or his five o'clock shadow. 

(Kr)  Jib Jab needs to step up their game.  Have you talked to Mom about it?  You might want to let her know before she shares it with her church group. 

(Ke) Yes, I just talked her.  She only watched the beginning and is laughing as hard as we are.  

(Kr)  Impossible. 

*posted with permission from our hilarious, Jib Jab lovin' mom, Janet Lanphear (We love you, Mom)

Love Comes In Small Packages

(Ke)

I ALWAYS think this says Most Flushable Wipes at first glance then I realize there's no "i" in most.  There is, however, an "I" in "Lord I love these wipes" and "Where have these wipes been my adult life?".

(Kr)  Just so I'm clear, your soul mate is a package of adult wipes?  Mazel tov?

H2nO!

(Ke)  Bronx went over by the dog dishes while I was feeding Zolly and then I hear "aaaaaaahhhhh" indicating he was refreshed.

(Kr)  He. Did. Not.

(Ke)  I wish he hadn't.

(Kr)  Good lord.

(Ke)  At least he's hydrating.

There Is One Substitute For A Mother's Love

(Ke)  Did Mom call you?

(Kr)  No. Why?

(Ke)  I talked to her today.  I told her you were sick. She said she was going to call you.

(Kr)  Guess she doesn't love me. That's ok.  I have my cough syrup with codeine.

Name Shame

(Kr)  Do you have an amazon code for free shipping?

(Ke)  We have Amazon prime under Joel's account.  Jose's.  What the fuck?  How's.  What the hell?!?!  Joe's.

(Kr)  Geesh. Slut.

Melts In Your Mind, Not In Your Mouth

(Kr)  Somebody was just eating a grilled cheese on t.v. and I craned my neck to get a better look.

(Ke)  What channel?  I love a good t.v. dinner.

(Kr)  Get your eyes off my virtual melty sandwich. Can't anything be just mine?

(Ke)  I'll just check Food Network. I don't need you.

Warning: This Is Only A Testes

(Kr)  

Hey, Target.  No other way to describe kid's pajamas with assorted sports balls and puppies on them? 

(Ke)  Now is that $11 per dog ball?  Because that's not half bad. 

(Kr)  I guess the testicle is always half full, according to you. 

(Ke)  Are we still talking about pajamas? 

Keep It Simple, Stupid

(Kr) 

Guess it was just too complex for the Burbank mall. 

(Ke)  Or too street.  Burbank is finicky.  But just not finicky enough to have had it in the first place. 

(Kr)  All of the tacky sequined dress shops are still in business, so that's reassuring? 

(Ke)  Phew.  Now just a quick trip to Old Town Scottsdale to pick up turquoise for every part of your body and your wardrobe is complete. 

Clap Along With The Music

(Kr)  Ke$ha really makes me feel my age.  In a way I'm really proud of.  I guess it's because I haven't vomited on myself in quite some time.  And I think Kri$ta looks ridiculous.

(Ke)  I get an $TD every time I hear her.

(Kr)  Her disco nap is my version of going to bed at a decent hour

Smooth Criminal

(Kr)  Quick drugstore tip:  Never buy the first lotion in the row.  Somebody has definitely tested the lotion consistency of the first in line.  And that somebody is most like me.

(Ke)  You owe Walgreen's $890.67. They are looking for you.  And why do they have my number?

(Kr)  I hide in open spaces.  Come and get me corporate America.

(Ke)  Tough guy.  Oh, and buy your lotion at Target.  Everyone knows those drugstore prices will get ya.

(Kr)  A) Don't tell me what to do.
         2)  Thank you for the suggestion.