January 19th 11:47 p.m.

(Ke)  Update:  I'm at 4 cm.  The doctor thinks he's coming pretty early.  Like 6 a.m. or so.  Just wanted to prepare you.  Exciting.

(Kr) Oh, snap.  When should I be there?

(Ke)  I'll let you know when to come out.  Just get some good sleeps.

(Kr)  K.  Love you, sleepy bears.

January 19th 7:05 a.m.

(Kr)  This is insane.   You're having a baby.

(Ke)  I haven't quite come to terms with it yet.

(Kr)  He's going to have your strength and Joe's ability to laugh at himself.  And my heart.

(Ke)  Don't make me cry, Kreets.  This place is awesome.  My nurse is great.  She said Bronx should come within 24 hours.

(Kr)  Hold him in.  On my way.

January 18th 4:56 p.m.

(Ke)  We're on our way to the hospital.  

(Kr)  I wish I was there with you.  It's hard being here.

(Ke)  Me, too Kreets.  Get your buns here.  Joe's excited, but more sad that this is his last day with the new car.

(Kr)  He better get used to lots of last days with new stuff.

January 18th 10:35 a.m.

(Ke)  I have to go to my appointment early to be hooked up to a monitor.

(Kr)  Because the baby is small?

(Ke)  Yes.

(Kr)  What time?

(Ke)  Going now.  Text you in a bit.

After a bit . . .


(Ke)  Please reschedule your week.



(Kr)  Of course!  This is the beginning of the story of how your baby was born.

(Ke)  I know.  I can't even believe it.  I've waited and envisioned for so long.

(Kr)  He's gonna be a beauty.  Just like his Auntie.  And his Mom and Dad, I guess.

(Ke)  I'll give you all the credit.

(Kr)  I deserve it.

Auto Incorrect

(Ke)  This is real.  This is not a joke.

(Kr)  What happened?  Are you in need of medical attention?

(Ke)  This is how I looked when I woke up?  I needs some kind of attention but not medical?

(Kr)  Why are you questioning yourself?  I'm relying on auto-correct too much.  Questioning originally looked like qyestiongb.

(Ke)  I think my phone added those question. marks.  And that period.  I can't rely on my phone.  Every word would He capitalized and have punctuation after It.  Be capitalized.  Ugh.

(Kr)  Give me an example.

(Ke)  har har.

Saturday Night Fright

(Ke)  We're watching SNL and Joe commented that Gwyneth Paltrow is "wearing some fierce red heels, girlfriend".

(Kr)  He's found another side of himself.  You must make peace with it.

(Ke)  Oh, I have.  I love having another girl around.  I was shocked when Cee Lo Green came out.  He has the body of draft.

(Kr)  Of draft?

(Ke)  A dwarf.

(Kr)  The 8th one.  Singy.

(Ke)  He startled me.

(Ke)  Joe is getting kicked in the head by Bronx.

(Kr)  I see a lot more of that happening.

Agreement To Agree Or Not Agree

(Kr)  Are you guys decided on a middle name?  Are you rockin' Dylanger?

(Ke)  Yeppers.  We even shook on it.

(Kr)  Shakes?  Serious?

(Ke)  That's what we do when making all important decisions.  You guys don't?

(Kr)  We don't make important decisions.  That was the last decision we made.

(Ke)  But did you shake on it? If not that wasn't really decided.

Doctor Puff. Paging Doctor Puff.

(Ke)  You know when you're so full you can't breathe?

(Kr)  Yes ma'am.

(Ke)  That's how I feel.  All the time.

(Kr)  How can I help?

(Ke)  Do you have any forceps?

(Kr)  Should I talk about a giant cheese stuffed-crust pizza with taco meat?

(Ke)  Making me sick won't help.

(Kr)  Maybe you'll barf out the baby.

(Ke)  You clearly need to google "childbirth".

(Kr)  Don't be condescending.  I know what happens.  The stork brings you a large stuffed-crust pizza and forces you to eat it.   Then you barf and your baby sails out on a river of cheese, sauce and bread.  In a boat made of taco meat.

(Ke)  You've been watching Puff The Magic Dragon again,  haven't you?

(Kr)  It's just so inspiring and sad.

(Ke)  It has heavily influenced your life and, unfortunately, your thought process.

(Kr)  What thought process?

(Ke)  Poor Kreets.

(Kr)  It's tough, yet insanely easy to be me.

(Ke)  My sister, Jackie Paper.

(Kr)  You wanna know the saddest part?

(Ke)  Kinda . . .

(Kr)  I've been watching The Bachelor throughout this entire conversation.

(Ke)  Of course you have.

(Kr)  And I enjoyed it.

(Ke)  Because you weren't giving it your full attention?

(Kr)  I memorized names.  I got invested.

(Ke)  This disappoints me . . . every season.

(Kr)  I almosted set a series recording and then Gossip Girl came on.  Phew?'n

(Kr)  !

(Ke)  Your mind is on The Bachelor when it should be on proper punctuation.

(Kr)  Shit.  It's a re-run.  I'm screwed.  Oh, wait.  It's new!  Bajam!

(Ke)  I'm glad we don't share a t.v.

Queasy Rider

(Ke)  My Brest Friend.

(Kr)  What on earth?!

(Ke)  It's for breastfeeding.

(Kr)  Don't ever smile like that.  Especially in front of the baby.

(Ke)  Joe didn't really give me a chance to not look creepy.

(Kr)  Sitting or standing?  Or driving?

(Ke)  I figure I'll use it while jogging and he'll learn to hold on.

(Kr)  He should learn to run straight from the womb.

(Ke)  Now is as good a time as any.

Rescue Mission

(Ke)  We got the car seat installed so between now and when the baby is born we are available to pick up stray babies.

(Kr)  Get on the road.

(Ke)  All good things start on Monday.

I'll Have The Blooming Onion With A Side Of Placenta

(Ke)  We're going to Outback (clap, clap) Steakhouse.

(Kr)  A porterhouse will push that baby right out.

Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little. Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little.

(Ke)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JP-kI8tfkik

(Kr) Everything, and I mean everything from the dialogue, to the picking, to whatever is on t.v. is absolutely disgusting.

(Ke) Dr.Phil.

Funny Bone For $200. Don't Touch The Sides. . .

(Ke)  I'm trying to send you a link to a YouTube video I shot, but it's not working.  It says it's uploaded.  Totally annoying.

(Kr)  What's the video of?

(Ke)  Joe taking lint out of my bellybutton with tweezers.

(Kr)  Is it too late to submit that to the Golden Globes?

(Ke)  I'm afraid so.

(Kr)  It's ok.  We have more time to campaign.

(Ke)  We should dedicate this year solely to it.

(Kr)  Is there any other option?

Larry, Moe And Curly Fry

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Just lying in bed.  My tummers hurts.

(Kr)  Baby hurters?

(Ke)  I think I just ate too much too late.  Curly fry hurters.

(Kr)  What'd ya eat?

(Ke)  Chicken wrap and fries.

(Kr)  Those curly fries will get you.  They are meant for lunch, not late-night-tummer-hurter-in-the-morning-time.

(Ke)  I'll remember that.  Until I forget and do it again.

(Kr)  You're in a cycle.  I recognize it a mile away.

(Ke)  What cycle?

(Kr)  The curly fry cycle.  Did you black out?

(Ke)  No, I couldn't fall asleep.  There was stay-uppy powder in them fries.

(Kr)  And forgetty powder.

(Ke)  Yep, I go night night now.

(Kr)  But, the powder.  How will you sleep?

(Ke)  It wore off.

Coney Island Baby

(Ke)  We almost went to bed without putting the duvet on the comforter.  Then I remembered, oh yeah, we're not animals.

(Kr)  Holy shit.  Thank the lord you caught that.  Do you even deserve a duvet?  Think about that. While I sleep for the next 8-10 hours.

(Ke)  And while we were putting it on Joe said, "man, this is intense".  I would not be one bit surprised if this baby comes out sitting in a sugar cone.  He is probably about 50% ice cream.

(Kr)  50?  Let's be honest with ourselves.

(Ke)  90.

(Kr)  And the other 10?

(Ke)  The other 10 will be Peanut M&Ms.

(Kr)  You need more percents if there's going to be any baby parts there.  Change math. While I sleep for the next 8-10 hours.

(Ke)  Maybe there aren't any baby parts and I'm just really gassy and bloated.

(Kr)  Night, night.  Love you, Sugar Mommy.

(Ke)  Love you, Auntie Sleepy Face.

Soft Serve-ix

(Ke)  The doctor said she's on call this weekend and she hopes to see me.  Which really doesn't mean anything except be ready for anything.  My cervix is soft, but not dilated.  Which again means nothing because I could go into labor tomorrow.

(Kr)  What the hell?!?  This is so much information.  What do you think is going to happen?

(Ke)  I have no idea.  I could go until my due date, or after, or early.  There's no way to tell.

(Kr)  Just ask the baby.

(Ke)  We did.  He's keeping it to himself.  I asked him to hiccup three times if he's coming this week.  He hasn't stopped.  He's a jokester.

(Kr)  He's trouble already.  Ground him.

(Ke)  He's like his Daddy:  Total smart ass.

(Kr)  Maybe he gets that from his Mom, too.

(Ke)  I resent the fact that that's probably true.

Textual Healing

(Kr)  Baby

(Ke)  Was that a question?

(Kr)   Ha.  That was for Marc.  But, baby?

(Ke)  Nope.

(Kr)  Well, then that was a waste of time.

(Ke)  Then don't mistext me.

Peenuptial Agreement

(Ke)  For a second I thought my water broke when I sneezed.  Joe got so excited then said, "I have to taste it to make sure".  Turns out I just peed.  A lot.

(Kr)  How'd that pee taste?  Now you're officially his woman.

(Ke)  Marriage means nothing.  It's tasting your loved one's pee that binds you.

Yellular Phone

(Kr)  Marshalls is officially the place where people come to pace and make their phone calls.  Been in here 3 minutes and heard 2 people having ludicrously loud conversations.   What is the magnetic field pulling these people here to discuss important matters at the top of their lungs?

(Ke)  I'm more interested in the magnetic field that's pulling you there.   Candle run again?

(Kr)  Candles make the room!!  How many times do I have to say it?!?

(Ke)  You're preaching to the choir.  Much to Joe's dismay.

(Kr)  Just stick him in a brightly lit room for 24 hours.  That'll teach him the importance of ambience.

(Ke)  Will it, though?

Decaf Cuppupeeno

(Ke)  Why does the cup at my OB need to be this big?  How much urine do they need?  And, yes, my pee is in there.

(Kr)  Is that venti or grande?

(Ke)  It's more in the Big Gulp category.

Dumb As(s)trology

(Ke)  So, we're Capricorn now?

(Kr)  I saw that on Facebook.  What's the deal?

(Ke)  A new sign was created.  So everything is just thrown out the window now?  It makes no sense.

(Kr)  What?  Is that what they're saying?

(Ke)  I haven't looked that much into it but if your sign is supposed to describe character traits and it all of a sudden changes, what the hell does that mean?  Oh, it's all bullshit.  Oh, I guess I better read up on Capricorn and start changing my personality.  You better, too.

(Kr)  Agreed.  Let me know what I'm supposed to be like and I'll do it.  No sense in us both doing research.

(Ke)  I'm kinda busy being huge.  I thought you could do it.

Killer Casting

(Ke)  Just watched Human Centipede. 

(Kr)  Oh no.  And?

(Ke)  It was ok.  Disturbing.

(Kr)  Yeah.  The doctor was cast perfectly.

(Ke)  That's what I said.  Joe said he's probably a sweetheart in real life.

(Kr)  It's not hard to be a sweetheart if you start from making human centipedes.

Me Zombie, Change Nappy

(Ke)

(Kr)  Exactly how I would expect Joe to look changing a diaper.  Expect that look for a year.

Oprahcabulary

(Ke)  I have a new most hated phrase.  Actually it might be a term.

(Kr)  What is it?

(Ke)  "A teaching moment".

(Kr)  Yuck.  Where did that come from?

(Ke)  I hear it in education all the time.  It has replaced "walk the talk" as most stomach-churning phrase.  Oh, and on Oprah.

(Kr)  Of course Oprah is behind it.

H2Ohhhh...That's Disturbing

(Ke)  We got our carpets cleaned today and when the guy (Jeff, great guy) left, he asked Joe to hand him his water for the road.  It was actually my water from earlier.

(Kr)  Oh boy.  Did he take it?

(Ke)  Yes.  He'd been drinking it since I left it there.

(Kr)  So, you guys basically made out.

(Ke)  He made out with me.  I'm innocent.

(Kr)  Uh huh.  Tell it to....I'm not sure who to tell it to.  A judge doesn't seem appropriate.  Unless, of course, you want to press charges.

(Ke)  Nah.  If it was the other way around for sure but I'll let it go.

(Kr)  Look, marriage is hard.  If you want to steal a few saliva swaps from another man via a water bottle,  you should. It's gross, and I judge you for it, but go for it.

(Ke)  He should have at least given us a discount.

Two Stars and Five Thumbs Up

(Ke)  I have Joe's official review of Black Swan.

(Kr)  What's the review?

(Ke)  "That bitch be crazy".

(Kr)  Eloquent.

(Ke)  He's concise.

Enjoy Your Fetal Presentation

(Ke)  How's your tummers?

(Kr)  A little raw.  How's your tummers?

(Ke)  Big and full of baby.  Debating throwing some popcorn and Milk Duds on top of him.

(Kr)  Movie time?

(Ke)  Yep.

(Kr)  Dud that embryo.

Congratulations On Your Beautiful Bouncing Food Poisoning

(Ke)  I've washed all the baby's clothes.  I guess I've commited to keeping him.

(Kr)  You're a good mommy.  I got sick at work today.  My client is convinced I'm pregnant.  Which I'm not.

(Ke)  What's wrong?

(Kr)  Tummy.  I ate something late last night.  It didn't sit right.

(Ke)  You'd get some good hand-me-downs as long as we don't have another boy and you have a boy.  Otherwise you're screwed.

(Kr)  I ain't havin' nothin'.

(Ke)  Then you don't get any of my hand-me-downs.  Suit yourself.

(Kr)  I could put Hammer in a onesie.

(Ke)  Oh, I know.  Are you going to watch Live to Dance or what?

(Kr)  If I'm awake.  Feeling pretty crap.

(Ke)  It could make you feel better.

(Kr)  True.

(Ke)  Or it might make you real sick.  It definitely won't make you pregnant.

(Kr)  True again.  It's the premiere.  It very well could.

(Ke)  We already have a crying dad.

(Kr)  Joe's crying?

(Ke)  He loves dancing.  What can I say?

Busting The Block

(Ke)  We finally got rid of Blockbuster and got Netflix.

(Kr)  Welcome to '85.  1885.

(Ke)  Joe was list holding on but I said no more.

(Kr)  List holding?

(Ke)  Just holding.

(Kr)  Ah, that's easier to understand.  The sentence.  Not why you guys still have Blockbuster.  Or ever had it.

(Ke)  Look, it came with the package.  The package being Joe.  It just took me a while to wiggle my way in and destroy his whole way of movie watching.

(Kr)  You're a cinematic mastermind.

(Ke)  I just really hate going to the video store.  That's what it boils down to.  There's just something about walking sideways looking for a movie that angers me.

(Kr)  Walking sideways is not great in any scenario.

(Ke)  They need to install walking sidewalks, not that that's a good financial move since they probably won't be in business in a few years as it is.

(Kr)  Years?  Months, Tootsie Pop.  Months.

(Ke)  Can that be my new nickname?

(Kr)  Sure, but I spelled it wrong.  It's Tootsie Poop.  There's your new nickname.  Forever.

(Ke)  Ah, rats.  Mom makes more sense.

(Kr)  What'd ya say?  Mom Poop?  Ok, that's it.  No more changes.

(Ke)  Blasted.

(Kr)  I need to take a shower, Mom Poop.  I love ya.

(Ke)  Love you.

(Kr)  Poop.

(Ke)  Ok.  I get it.  Go shower already.

Perry Perry Quite Contrary

(Kr) Tyler Perry always looks like he's in disguise.  Even when he's not.

(Ke)  It's those brows.

May All The Fast Food Be Forgotten

(Ke)  My favorite thing Joe said last night (New Year's Eve): "Oh, god, please don't let us be in the Jack in the Box drive-thru at midnight".

(Kr)  Where were you?  Taco Bell drive-thru?  Waaaaay more romantic.  But that's probably just my bean burrito crush talking.

(Ke)  You're so one-track mind.

(Kr)  Two tracks won't fit in there.

Desserting All Nutrition

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Trying to get up.  So tired.

(Kr)  Go back to sleep, my child.

(Ke)  I gotta get up.  Joe's eating pumpkin pie for breakfast.

(Kr)  I guess it could be considered brunch so it's acceptable.  Christmas pumpkin pie?

(Ke)  Yes.

(Kr)  Week-old pumpkin pie.  Daring.

(Ke)  That's my babe: risk taker.  He's the Evil Knievel of the fridge.

(Kr)  Tell Joe I'll see his pumpkin pie and raise him a chocolate chip cookie.

Breech Of Parental Contract

(Ke)  Joe just told the baby to "get his head down because Papa Don't Want a Breech".  He's my very own Weird Al.

(Kr)  What did we do before Joe?

(Ke)  We had to pay for entertainment.

(Kr)  I've been out of bed for maybe an hour total and that was just for potty and junk food.

(Ke)  Heaven.

(Kr)  It's been a good day.

(Ke)  I should say so.

(Kr)  You should.

Shyamalan Ding Dong

(Ke)  We're watching Devil.

(Kr)  Good luck with that.

(Ke)  Did you see it?

(Kr)  Yes.

(Ke)  Pretty bad.  Not scary at all.

(Kr)  Not even a little bit.

(Ke)  Celebrity Ghost Stories is much scarier.

(Kr)  What's that on?

(Ke)  I don't know.  I just saw it a few times.

(Kr)  I need this type of information relayed to me upon viewing, dammit!

(Ke)  It only seems good comparatively.

(Kr)  Why aren't you asleep?  Is it because you can hear Marc snoring from there?

(Ke)  Don't be so nosy.

(Kr)  I do what I want.  It's past my nephew's bedtime?  That wasn't a question, dammit!  Stupid keyboard.

(Ke)  He makes his own hours.

(Kr)  Great parenting.

(Ke)  We're reeeeeeal laid back.  He'll thank us for it.

(Kr)  Yeah, when he has his own pad at 13.

(Ke)  If he wants to move out, so be it.  It'll save us some money.  Paris, here we come.

GPS

(Kr)  It's weird the next time I see you, you won't be pregnant.  Oh, and that there will be a baby.

(Ke)  I know.  I don't remember what it's like not to be pregnant.  It's weird.

(Kr)  It's been fun being pregnant vicariously with you, but my boobs and back hurt.  Let's have this kid already.

(Ke)  Get ready for some sleepless nights.

(Kr)  Strangely that doesn't apply to my vicarious post-pregnancy routine.  I still get to sleep in.

(Ke)  You don't get to quit.  Start saving for his college.

(Kr)  My baby will have Pizza Hut on speed dial.  I'll get him a crib phone.

(Ke)  I can tell he's a deep dish kind of kid.

(Kr)  That's my/your boy.  I think Joe has deep seeded fears I may actually kidnap your son.  Deep (dish) seeded.

(Ke)  He has added new locks.  To the new house we moved to.  In a different state.

(Kr)  I'll fiiiiiiiind him.

(Ke)  There's no doubt in my mind.

(Kr)  Probably that tracking device I had implanted in your brain.  It comes in handy.

(Ke)  That's why I've been getting all those headaches.

Funeral Address

(Ke)  It has a good, albeit short, life.  Rest in peace.

(Kr)  Tippin' a 40 as we speak.  So gentle.  So very gentle.

(TV)Set And Spike

(Ke)  We're watching The Perfect Storm.  Mark Wahlberg's beard is kinda creepy.

(Kr)  What's that on?

(Ke)  HBO.  Oops, Spike.

(Kr)  I almost got interested in a CSI: Miami episode.

(Ke)  It can happen...to dorks.

(Kr)  I'm watching QVC and the P90X guy is on here talking about meeting people on the airplane, talking to them, signing autographs....SCREEEECH!  Autographs?  P90X guy?

(Ke)  He's on the tv and that makes him famous.

(Kr)  That being said, I may get P90X.  Five easy payments of $29.95.

(Ke)  To getcha into some shape?

(Kr)  Yeah.  Me flabby.  That might be the dark peanut butter cups talkin'.

(Ke)  They say a lot.  Apparently Spike is the channel to go to if you want to see commercials about buying money with no monetary value.  Leave me the hell alone!  Everybody needs a national park $2 bill.

(Kr)  They'll eventually be worth up to $60!

(Ke)  None of which you can spend.

(Kr)  I'm flashing forward to 3 hours from now where I'm still watching QVC.

(Ke)  Flip on over to Spike.  Clooney's not even attempting an accent.

(Kr)  I doesn't start until 11 here.  I won't be conscious. This P90X guy seriously thinks he's awesome.  Now he's talking about getting his book with his signature, like it's gold.  Now he's acting humble.  I want to kick him.

(Ke)  I'd like to see that.  That should be part of the workout.

. . . I Just Play One On The Internet

(Ke)  My whole body is fatigued.  Standing is exhausting.

(Kr)  Lie down.

(Ke)  I am.

(Kr)  Now just stay there for a month.

(Ke)  Ok.  Thanks, Kreets.

(Kr)  That's Dr. Kreets, lil' lady.

(Ke)  That's Big Lady, Dr. Kreets.

Do These Genes Make Me Look A Murderer?

(Kr)  I'm watching a Dateline involving twins.  Please, I beg of you, don't murder anyone and try to pin it on me.  Don't use our DNA against me.

(Ke)  I promise not to do that in the future.

(Kr)  But if somebody murders me, please, I beg of you, pretend to be me to avenge my death.  K?

(Ke)  I will haunt the shit out of those murderers.  But I'd prefer that you stay un-murdered.

(Kr)  That is definitely the plan, fake-ghost me.

(Ke)  I'm totally in.

Envy In 30 Minutes Or Less

(Kr)  Why must you taunt.

(Ke)  (shoulder shrug)

Veggie Lover's, Veggie Lover's, Where For Art Thou, Veggie Lover's?

(Kr)  To Pizza Hut or not to Pizza Hut?

(Ke)  To.

(Kr)  What are you having for dinner?

(Ke)  A cheese and onion pasty, broccoli and cauliflower cheese bake, and English chips at Cornish Pasty.

(Kr)  Did not see that comin'.

(Ke)  I was waiting for you to ask.

(Kr)  Marc won't Pizza Hut with me.

(Ke)  Leave him.  You'll meet someone at Pizza Hut.  Just pack a small bag and take the dogs.  Or run away with the delivery guy.

(Kr)  All good choices.

Imitation Is The Most Boring Form Of Flattery

(Kr)  I'm going to bed pretty soon.  No feel good today.

(Ke)  Ok, Kreets.  I'm tired, too.  Love you.

(Kr)  Don't try to be like me.  Find your own way, child.

(Ke)  I'm already in bed.  You're copying me.