But I Play One On TV

(Kr) Does the saying go, "strike while the iron's hot" or "if an iron falls of a shelf and strikes you on the head, go directly to the emergency room"? I can't remember because an iron fell on my head.

(Ke) I think you're ok as long as the iron's not hot, but I'm not a doctor. As evidenced by my obvious lack of medical school.

I Just Need To Grab Some Toothpaste. And A Friend.

(Kr)  We were at Walgreen's and the checkout lady, who was in her 50s, badgered a customer, who was in his 20s, into giving her his name so she could "ask for his friendship on the Facebook". It was the best thing I'd ever witnessed.

(Ke)  Did he do it?  Please tell me she was that persuasive.

(Kr)  He did.  To be fair, I didn't see what went down up to the point where she was asking him very loudly to spell his last name.  But he was super reluctant.  I see a lot of poking in his future.

(Ke)  Yet he did it.  No matter how crazy she is that's the best part of the story.

And The Loser Is....

(Ke)  I think history has shown that the worst/most inaccurate thing you can say after being voted off any talent related reality show is "America hasn't seen the last of me".

(Kr)  Oh, you see them again.  On Celebrity Rehab.

Poopcorn! Get Your Fresh Hot Poopcorn!

(Ke)  Bronx's diaper sometimes smells like movie theater popcorn.  Mmmmm...buttery goodness.  That smell usually goes hand in hand with large amounts of poop.  Talk about summer blockbuster!

(Kr)  I think I'll wait for that one to come out on DVD.  Or cable, even.

(Ke)  You have to see it in the theater.  It's 3D.

Rabbit Punch

(Ke)

(Kr)  If I don't kiss that face soon, I'm going to punch something.  Maybe even a bunny.  Do you want that on your conscience?

(Ke)  Believe it or not, I've had worse things on my conscience.

Face Off

(Kr)  

(Ke)  Cute dog and WHERE'S MY FACE?!

(Kr)  Oh, you're a smeary-faced ghost.  You didn't know? 

The Domino's Effect

(Ke)  You didn't ask me how my orange chicken was.

(Kr)  Oh, excuse me.  How was your orange chicken, me lady?

(Ke)  Think of the most interesting, tasty, worthwhile thing you've ever eaten.  Got it?

(Kr)  Ok, got it.  The food in my mind.

(Ke)  Now picture the exact opposite.  You'll see my orange chicken.  What was it, by the way?

(Kr)  It was a large Domino's pizza I devoured my freshman year of college.  Sure, I was alone and drunk and there was some crying, but it was delicious.  And you can't take that away from me.  I cried cheese tears.  And those are the most meaningful.

(Ke)  And the most painful.  Emotionally and physically.  Lots of goo.

(Kr)  It's just that the ducts aren't really made to allow for flowing cheese.

(Ke)  I ate a large Domino's pizza my freshman year.  I wasn't drunk or crying.  I was just a pig.  I thought it was such a treat to order pizza.  I felt so grown up.  That sounds really pathetic.

(Kr)  We both grew up that year.  About 40 pounds each.  We all have our pizza stories.  There's a million in this city.

(Ke)  I was also trying to grow my fried perm hair out freshman year.  It was not my best year physically.

(Kr)  I didn't want to wear short sleeves because my arms were so full of pizza dough and nachos.

(Ke)  I think all photographic evidence has been destroyed.

(Kr) Dammitzzz!!

(Ke)  Tank tops were my enemy.

(Kr)  There's one out there of me.  Floating on Facebook.  A gooey reminder of my former self.

(Ke)  Oh, I've seen it.

(Kr)  You could hide a newborn in my cheeks.

(Ke)  A couple of knockouts we were.

(Kr)  There's actually more than one, but there's a specific shot that captures my slovenly essence.

(Ke)  I like to refer to freshman year as the stout period.

(Kr)

I'm sure I consumed copious amounts of ranch dressing on the day this was taken.  That's a face only the self-serve ice cream machine could love.

(Ke)  Did you really need to send it twice?  I wish you had your glasses on.  I was making the transition from rayon to oversized flannel shirts.  Grunge was king and my waistline was nowhere to be found.

(Kr)  Every other picture of me from college is me in my pajamas or at a party with a Keystone Light.  Physical fitness was not of the utmost importance.  And my dedication to a high caloric intake, non-exercise lifestyle showed.

(Ke)  At least you had friends to take your picture.  This is where it takes a sad turn.  You worked hard.  Own it.  Frat parties really helped with that lifestyle.  I still have the smell of puke in my nose.  People lived there.  Humans!

(Kr)  Harshin' my mellow over here.

(Ke)  I had my own dorm room.  Two beds.  For one person.  Can you imagine?  Life was pret-ty sweet. Lap of luxury.

(Kr)

This happened.

(Ke)  Beyonce?  Is that you?

(Kr)  Note the Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt.  I thought it meant I'd been somewhere.

(Ke)  I think someone who went somewhere gave it to you.  I'm laughing so hard.  So many tears.  You're all dolled up from the neck up.  It's a second-hand mess everywhere else.  Were you under the impression that you were dressed up?  Like for public consumption?  Who can I thank for taking that picture?  Personally? With a heart felt handshake?

(Kr)  College friends who may not want to be identified.

Happy?

(Ke)  That I just peed the bed from laughing?  No.

(Kr)  What's in my hand?  It looks like a drink in an actual glass, but I don't remember drinking anything that year that wasn't in plastic or aluminum.

(Ke)  I'm going to guess gravy.  A nice steamy cup of it.

(Kr)  Har har.  I never drank gravy in the morning so there!

(Ke)  I really doubt this was morning.

(Kr)  Although I am in my jammies so it could be any time of day really.

(Ke)  Did you ever seen am before pm?

(Kr)  I used to set my alarm for breakfast, grab a few doughnuts and french toast, and go back to sleep.

(Ke)  Body by cafeteria.  Nothing like a good nap with a gut full of sugary starch.

(Kr)  There were doughnuts!  As many as you wanted!  It's like a lullaby that grows on your thighs.  I majored in cellulite with a minor in muffin top.

(Ke)  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  Much more important than the 2 am cheese fries. But those do have their purpose.

(Kr)  I kind of had a muffin top neck.  Cheese fries have saved my life.  Don't go baggin' on cheese fries.  I'm hungry.

(Ke)  I'm right there with ya.  Cheese fries are a very important part of a college kid's diet.

(Kr)  I've dipped pizza in ranch.  Not trying to be cool but if that makes me sound cool, so be it.

(Ke)  They don't come much cooler.

(Kr)  I don't think I drank water that year.  At all.  That is frightening.

(Ke)  Water was for suckers.  You got all you needed from beer.

(Kr)  This is how my year started.  Bleary-eyed?  Sure.  Naive?  You could say that.  But, with only one chin.

(Ke)  You sure are.  You definitely look like someone who needs glasses.  You're all cross-eyed.  I think you should get that hair back.

(Kr)  If I let my hair dry naturally, it's almost like a time machine coming from my follicles.

(Ke)  I've fallen asleep twice so I guess it's bedtime.  Night night.  Love you.

(Kr)  Ok.  Night night.  Love you.

Mr. Jones, 'Round Here We Use Soap

(Kr)  Adam Duritz sighting.

(Ke)  I'm sorry.  Are you ok?

(Kr)  It was rough.  He's actually pretty handsome.  Enough with the dreads already.

(Ke)  Where did you fall in love?

(Kr)  Right outside the Arclight.  Hunger may have played a role.

(Ke)  Have you been tossing a few back?

(Kr)  He walked by again.  I'm taking back my original statement.  Except for the dreads part.  That stands.

(Ke)  Please don't let your blood sugar get that low.

(Kr)  I'm on the Duds so I should be cool.

(Ke)  What are you going to see?  Or are you just hanging out at the Arclight looking for celebrities?

(Kr)  I'm going to see The Tree of Life.  Marc peed next to him.  He didn't wash his hands.  But he washed his hair in the sink.

(Ke)  Oh, good.  I was worried he was disgusting.

So, It's Come To This

(Kr)  I couldn't get a package open and I turned to Hammer and said, "Annoying, right?".  What?

(Ke)  I've confided in my dogs about many things.  They know all my secrets and frustrations, no matter how big or small.

(Kr) This is so very sad for the both of us.

Deuxmento

(Kr)  I cannot impress upon you enough the sheer elation I just experienced upon discovering I had seven Trader Joe's dark chocolate peanut butter cups in my purse.   I seriously doubt I'll ever be that happy again.

(Ke)  I am really excited for you and super sad for myself that I'm so excited.  There's always tomorrow when you can put eight in there.

(Kr)  Its not about putting them in there.  It's about forgetting I put them in there and then discovering them.

(Kr)  But, you can't forget you put them in there if you don't actually put them in there.  How can I make that more clear?

The Most Secret Secret Ever Secreted

(Ke)  I learned something very valuable about myself.

(Kr)  Oh, boy.  Do fill me in.

(Ke)  You sound judgmental.  I don't know that I should.

(Kr)  I'm constantly judging.  Constantly.

(Ke)  I'm trying to open up and you're making it really hard.

(Kr)  But I judge myself, too, so it's ok.

(Ke)  Now it just seems silly.

(Kr)  Are you being serious?  I feel bad.  I thought you were joking.

(Ke)  I just realized I don't like cheddar cheese on cold sandwiches.  Do you know how long it took me to admit that?  It's not a joke.

(Kr)  You jerk.

(Ke)  Great.  Now I feel bad.

(Kr)  Now I hope that's all you are forced to eat for eternity.

Yumento

(Kr)  You should have Marc season all your movie snacks if you like popcorn with your flavored butter.

(Ke)  Joe would be happy to share that with him.

(Kr)  I also met my sodium intake for life.

(Ke)  Just balance it out with a shitload of sugar.

(Kr)  Oh, I did.  I ate Milk Duds like they were....well, Milk Duds.

(Ke)  When you're not there I eat a whole box by myself.  That's why I need you.

(Kr)  Now you're just making me sad.  That you're expecting me to share.

(Ke)  You don't have to.  I'll just sit in the back row and stuff my face by myself like a common pig.

(Kr)  Don't be hard on yourself.  You're not common.

(Ke)  You're right.  I'm an extraordinary pig.  The Charmingly Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies from Trader Joes are absolutely that.

(Kr)  It's just that I'm so full of chocolate and now you're talking chocolate.

(Ke)  I literally have to remind myself that I've had dessert or I will eat more dessert an hour later.

(Kr)  I, too, have short-term dessert memory.

I'm Only Teething, Silly

(Ke)  I think Bronx is teething.

(Kr)  Really?  What's he doing?

(Ke)  Drooling, chewing on his hand, being crabby.

(Kr)  That's exactly what I looked like at the gym just now.

(Ke)  Sounds like you had a great workout.  I'd like to see more crying next time.

(Kr) Oh, there were tears.

Blood Sister

(Kr)  What's happening?  Are you ok?  I'm worried.  Text me back.

(Ke)  Sorry.  Pam got here and I ate.  I'm fine.  My finger is still bleeding.

(Kr)  Ok.  Just wanted to make sure you're ok.

(Ke)  Thanks.  I don't think I need stitches.  It's just bleeding like a mother.

(Kr)  Gosh, don't go bleeding to death.  I need you for the blog.

(Ke)  For you, I live.  The biggest challenge so far was not bleeding on my sandwich.

(Kr)  So brave.

(Ke)  I keep trying to take a picture but it's bleeding too much.  Perhaps a picture shouldn't be my first priority.

(Kr)  Just prop the video camera up and I'll watch it bleed.

(Ke)  Don't think I haven't tried.

I've Had It Up To The Hilton

(Ke)  Joe and I are about to watch Paris Hilton on Piers Morgan.  She's on with her mom.  I can not wait.

(Kr)  Oh, boy.  That's going to be a mind f.

(Ke)  I do love Piers Morgan but he interrupts more than Oprah.

(Kr)  You love Pierce Morgan?

(Ke)  No, I love Piers Morgan.

(Kr)  Oh, gee.  Sorrrrryyyyyy.

(Ke)  It's ok.  Just be careful next time.  Paris Hilton has zero emotion.  Absolutely no affect.

(Kr)  She's the best.  At being the worst.

(Ke)  And my neck is getting a crick just looking at her.

An Engaging Conversation

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Just out on the town.

(Kr)  Oh, now my night just seems boring.  I bought a new bag.  You like?



(Ke)  Loves it.

(Kr)  It's got three handles.  Can you tell?

(Ke)  No, but I love it just the same.

(Kr)  Marc bought it for me.  He said he'd w"ring" my neck if I don't use it.  Ahem . . . Ahemmmmmm . . .

(Ke)  Uh oh.

(Kr)  He wants me to wear it forever.

(Ke)  Ok.

(Kr)  He even got down on one knee.

(Ke)  What?!?

(Kr)  Geesh.  I'd given up on ya there for a second.

(Ke)  Holy shit!!  Oh my god!!

(Kr)  I know!  It's going to hold all my keys and lipsticks and everything!!

(Ke)  Kreets, you goofy bastard.

(Kr)  That's Mrs. Kreets, if you're nasty.

(Ke)  Send me a better picture.

(Kr)



It sparkles like a million unicorn tears.  On a billion unicorn eyelashes.

Tepid Runnings

(Ke)  Uh oh.  Cool Runnings is on.  I'll be unavailable for a while doing anything besides watching Cool Runnings.

(Kr)  Please keep me posted.

(Ke)  I don't believe that was sincere.  Update: I'm watching Cool Runnings.

I Was Like Baby, Baby, Baby Oh My God!

(Ke)  Why would you say "Hang in there" to anyone?  It's so condescending and all I can see is that damn cat hanging from a tree.

(Kr)  Why would you mention that cat before I got to sleep?  Have you any idea that nightmares you've just induced?  Maybe don't Google image "Hang in there".  There are scary babies.

(Ke)  Jesus!  Why would you do that?  Tell me that's not a baby.

(Kr)  That's what the internet told me but the internet lies sometimes.  And uses trickery.

(Ke)  That picture literally took my breath away.

(Kr)   It's breathtaking.  In a way you did this to yourself.  Nighty night.  I gotta saw some logs.  I mean those logs are pilin' up like woah.

(Ke)  I gotta hit the hay.  That hay needs to be smacked.  Love you.  Thank you in return for the nightmare.

(Kr)  Hey, anytime.  Love you.

Bar-B-Que The Pity Party

(Kr)  What doing?

Several hours later . . .


(Ke)  Sorry.  Just saw this.  Was at a BBQ.

(Kr)  Oh, that's just fine.  I'll just sit around and wait for you while you do your fun stuff.

I Don't Want My MTV

(Kr)  Two questions:  1)  Why are the MTV Movie Awards so awkward and 2)  why on earth am I watching the MTV Movie Awards ?

(Ke)  I will probably watch them but I'll be embarrassed for myself the entire time.

It's So Indulgent To Say Goodbye

(Ke)  I sat down to watch Oprah and Joe yelled from the other room, "Wait, I want to see it!".  He sat down next to me and said, "This is part one of the two-day surprise show, right?".  He's really upset that her staff thinks they can surprise her.

(Kr)  I miss all the great Joe lines.  Tell him to save some of the genius for when he's here.  I need entertainment.

(Ke)  He'll never run out.  Oh, shit!  The Grobanator.  Madonna seems to have lost her accent.  It's like we're back in the 80s.

(Kr)  Do I have a perm in this scenario?

(Ke)  Yes, but it'll relax soon.

(Kr)  It always did.  That's why I asked for the tiniest curlers possible.  I just wanted perfect ringlets ala Nicole Kidman in Dead Calm.  Is that so unfathomable, hair?

(Ke)  It was always rough those first few days but then as soon as you washed it, it was gone too soon.  Tom Cruise has not left Oprah's side.

(Kr)  RIP tiny curls.  This sounds like an episode I need to see.  Are they filming straight from the Scientology building?

(Ke)  I think I saw Jason Lee so yes.  Oh, snap!  Beyonce in the house!  I misspoke.  Sasha Fierce!

(Kr)  Are you covering this event for Tiger Beat?

(Ke)  Joe just said, "I officially can't deal with Tom Cruise".   Speaking of Nicole Kidman, I hope she shows up.  Aaawkwaaaard.  My guess is she'll be there tomorrow.  I hate myself.

(Kr)  Can we please start a section of the blog that just has Joe quotes?

(Ke)  It'll be a whole new blog.  He just said Dakota Fanning's dress is "sick".

(Kr)  For realskies?

(Ke)  He just guessed the next guest will be Tina Turner.

(Kr)  Ok, it's getting nuts over there.

(Ke)  He also said it would be a sick favorite things episode.  Expensive.  He's busting out the "Uh huh, girlfriend".

(Kr)  I cannot express how badly I want to be in the room with him right now.

(Ke)  The gold never stops coming.

(Kr)  Can't you video this spectacle?

(Ke)  He'd love that.  I'm just blown away by how aware he is of the show.  Not just tonight but the whole season.

(Kr)  I have no real interest in watching Oprah but I'd watch Joe watch Oprah all day.

Can I Axe You Why Your Hair Smells So Manly?

(Ke)  I'm out of shampoo so I used Joe's Axe.  That shit is not one little bit unisex.  I'm pure man from the scalp up.  My hair wants to watch sports and I think it just asked my ears out.  I guess it's into twins.

(Kr)  It's just overwhelmed by the testosterone.  Give it an hour.  If it doesn't calm down throw a drink it it's face/scalp.

(Ke)  I think I'll stick to water.  Throwing alcohol at it will create a need to wash it again, which brings me back to square one.  That's just what it wants.

Socks It To Me

(Ke)  Joe was putting Bronx's socks on and said, "I hate putting on his socks", to which I responded, "You better get used to it.  You're going to be doing it the rest of your life."  He said, "Um, no I won't."  I was getting annoyed then realized he's right.  I guess at some point he will be able to put his own socks on.

(Kr)  You guys are having quite the Bronx socks day.  You only have to pay for him and his socks for the rest of your lives.  He'll be able to put them on himself in a couple of years.

(Ke)  Not necessarily.  I need to read up on child labor laws.

Cat(theter) Fight

(Kr)  Wanna Skype later?  9:30ish?

(Ke)  Can you do earlier?  Bronx will probably be in bed.

(Kr)  Not home until then.

(Ke)  Where are you going that's so cool?

(Kr)  At Wokano.

(Ke)  Auntie Jess wants to Skype, too.  He's very popular.

(Kr)  Guess so.  Put us on the list.

(Ke)  Ok, let me know when you're home and I'll see if he's available.

(Kr)  Marc wants to try out Skype on his new tablet thingy.  So, if Bronx is asleep, maybe we can Skype you and Joey.

(Ke)  Ok, I should probably be awake.  I can't promise anything for Joe.  Are you having that delicious salad without me?

(Kr)  Yes.  I did.

(Ke)  Not cool.

(Kr)  Good news is, there will be plenty at the party next weekend.

(Ke)  I'm going to sit in the corner and eat it without you.

(Kr)  I'll sit in the opposite corner and eat it without you so meh.

(Ke)  Whatever. I'll be eating two wontons.  I don't need you.

(Kr)  Oh, wontons?  I just had six.  Booyaw!!

(Ke)  He's asleep.

(Kr)  Ok.  You still wanna Skype?

(Ke)  Sure.

(Kr)  Marc just wants to check out his tablet.

(Ke)  I don't need an explanation again.

(Kr)  Shove it up your dick.

(Ke)  Not again.

Reach For The Fallen Stars

(Kr)  My day so far: woke up at 11, at some Greek yogurt and blueberries in bed, watched Have You Heard About the Morgans, fell bank asleep until 5.

(Ke)  Don't forget spelling "back" wrong.

(Kr)  I don't think there's any fear of me overachieving today.  Or achieving.

(Ke)  It doesn't sound like you're even underachieving.  Under, underachieving at best.

Alley Oops, I Can't Fix This Text

(Ke)  Our garbage pail kid.

(Kr)  That's disturbing, but he's in prime alley oop position, so respect to your and yours.

(Ke)  He's out little Kobe Bryant.  He He's prime scraps.  I don't have any idea what I was trying to say there.  Autocorrect took that sentence somewhere it can't come back from.

Must(ard) You?

(Ke)  I was so tempted to send you a picture of Bronx's diarrhea.  Haha.  That was the best auto correct ever.  I meant diaper.  It literally looked like a whole bottle of French's yellow mustard exploded in it.

(Kr)  It's almost like you're trying to sabotage my appetite forever.

Silly Retort(oise)

(Ke)  How?

(Kr)  Maybe it's a family of tortoises. 

(Ke)  It's probably still in the house.  Save your money.  Look harder. 

Wiigin' Out

(Ke)  Hi, Kreets.  Just watched Bridesmaids.  Hilarity.

(Kr)  Oh, hello.  I was hoping it wouldn't suck.

(Ke)  Joe is going on and on about his Kristin Wiig crush.

(Kr)  Uh oh.  What about Kesha?

(Ke)  Who?

(Kr)  Oops.  Ke$ha.

(Ke)  Oh, her.  I guess he moved on because he just hasn't heard a song from her lately.

(Kr)  He's finicky.

(Ke)  Just forgetful.