(Kr) Oh, excuse me. How was your orange chicken, me lady?
(Ke) Think of the most interesting, tasty, worthwhile thing you've ever eaten. Got it?
(Kr) Ok, got it. The food in my mind.
(Ke) Now picture the exact opposite. You'll see my orange chicken. What was it, by the way?
(Kr) It was a large Domino's pizza I devoured my freshman year of college. Sure, I was alone and drunk and there was some crying, but it was delicious. And you can't take that away from me. I cried cheese tears. And those are the most meaningful.
(Ke) And the most painful. Emotionally and physically. Lots of goo.
(Kr) It's just that the ducts aren't really made to allow for flowing cheese.
(Ke) I ate a large Domino's pizza my freshman year. I wasn't drunk or crying. I was just a pig. I thought it was such a treat to order pizza. I felt so grown up. That sounds really pathetic.
(Kr) We both grew up that year. About 40 pounds each. We all have our pizza stories. There's a million in this city.
(Ke) I was also trying to grow my fried perm hair out freshman year. It was not my best year physically.
(Kr) I didn't want to wear short sleeves because my arms were so full of pizza dough and nachos.
(Ke) I think all photographic evidence has been destroyed.
(Kr) Dammitzzz!!
(Ke) Tank tops were my enemy.
(Kr) There's one out there of me. Floating on Facebook. A gooey reminder of my former self.
(Ke) Oh, I've seen it.
(Kr) You could hide a newborn in my cheeks.
(Ke) A couple of knockouts we were.
(Kr) There's actually more than one, but there's a specific shot that captures my slovenly essence.
(Ke) I like to refer to freshman year as the stout period.
(Kr)
I'm sure I consumed copious amounts of ranch dressing on the day this was taken. That's a face only the self-serve ice cream machine could love.
(Ke) Did you really need to send it twice? I wish you had your glasses on. I was making the transition from rayon to oversized flannel shirts. Grunge was king and my waistline was nowhere to be found.
(Kr) Every other picture of me from college is me in my pajamas or at a party with a Keystone Light. Physical fitness was not of the utmost importance. And my dedication to a high caloric intake, non-exercise lifestyle showed.
(Ke) At least you had friends to take your picture. This is where it takes a sad turn. You worked hard. Own it. Frat parties really helped with that lifestyle. I still have the smell of puke in my nose. People lived there. Humans!
(Kr) Harshin' my mellow over here.
(Ke) I had my own dorm room. Two beds. For one person. Can you imagine? Life was pret-ty sweet. Lap of luxury.
(Kr)
(Ke) Beyonce? Is that you?
(Kr) Note the Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt. I thought it meant I'd been somewhere.
(Ke) I think someone who went somewhere gave it to you. I'm laughing so hard. So many tears. You're all dolled up from the neck up. It's a second-hand mess everywhere else. Were you under the impression that you were dressed up? Like for public consumption? Who can I thank for taking that picture? Personally? With a heart felt handshake?
(Kr) College friends who may not want to be identified.
(Ke) That I just peed the bed from laughing? No.
(Kr) What's in my hand? It looks like a drink in an actual glass, but I don't remember drinking anything that year that wasn't in plastic or aluminum.
(Ke) I'm going to guess gravy. A nice steamy cup of it.
(Kr) Har har. I never drank gravy in the morning so there!
(Ke) I really doubt this was morning.
(Kr) Although I am in my jammies so it could be any time of day really.
(Ke) Did you ever seen am before pm?
(Kr) I used to set my alarm for breakfast, grab a few doughnuts and french toast, and go back to sleep.
(Ke) Body by cafeteria. Nothing like a good nap with a gut full of sugary starch.
(Kr) There were doughnuts! As many as you wanted! It's like a lullaby that grows on your thighs. I majored in cellulite with a minor in muffin top.
(Ke) Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Much more important than the 2 am cheese fries. But those do have their purpose.
(Kr) I kind of had a muffin top neck. Cheese fries have saved my life. Don't go baggin' on cheese fries. I'm hungry.
(Ke) I'm right there with ya. Cheese fries are a very important part of a college kid's diet.
(Kr) I've dipped pizza in ranch. Not trying to be cool but if that makes me sound cool, so be it.
(Ke) They don't come much cooler.
(Kr) I don't think I drank water that year. At all. That is frightening.
(Ke) Water was for suckers. You got all you needed from beer.
(Kr) This is how my year started. Bleary-eyed? Sure. Naive? You could say that. But, with only one chin.
(Ke) You sure are. You definitely look like someone who needs glasses. You're all cross-eyed. I think you should get that hair back.
(Kr) If I let my hair dry naturally, it's almost like a time machine coming from my follicles.
(Ke) I've fallen asleep twice so I guess it's bedtime. Night night. Love you.
(Kr) Ok. Night night. Love you.
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