Sirius-ly Relaxing

(Kr)  I'm at a house right now where the spa channel is on.  The song playing right now is titled "Bathroom Spirit".

(Ke)  I'd like to think it spontaneously created itself, but someone actually wrote that.

Tapeworm, Tapeworm Measuring The Junk Food

(Ke)  Well, I just ate a big plate of fries so the logical next move would be to immediately go to bed.   This gut isn't going to grown on its own.

(Kr)  I'm downing a pizza.

(Ke)  From?

(Kr)  Trader Joe's.  My client said your baby is going to be a metal tiger, according to Chinese New Year stuff.  We are wood tigers.

(Ke)  That's why we're so good at golf.

(Kr)  And like sluts.  I mean, a whole pizza.  I have a tapeworm.  And he is a drunken cheese lover with a mother of a sweet tooth.

(Ke)  Sounds like someone else I know.  Love you, Kreets.  Night night.

(Kr)  Love you.  That was from the tapeworm, but, I love you, too.

(Ke)  I feel like you're just phoning it in, but the tapeworm really meant it.

(Kr)  We love you equally.  Just as we do pizza . . . and chocolate .  . . and wine.

(Ke)  It's gonna take a lot of proof.

(Kr)  And wontons . .  . and anything else edible.

(Ke)  I get where I stand.

(Kr)  I'm not even sure where I stand in this whole thing.  I might need an exorcism.  And definitely an exercise-ism.

(Ke)  Just put him in a jar and call him a pet.  You can foster more, too.

(Kr)  A jar takes up too much room.  He can stay in my gut then I have a travel buddy.

(Ke)  Good point.  Now I really go night night.

(Kr)  Good night.  Now I really eat chocolate.

Pink Gravy

(Ke)

(Kr)  I hate to say it, but if cream and beef are in the same sentence, it should be a porn title.

(Ke)  I hate to hear it.  I also hate that Joe somehow just deleted all my texts.  He was trying to help me clean up my phone.

(Kr)  Not to be rude, but why does Joe ruin everything?

(Ke)  It's his talent.  He does feel really bad.

(Kr)  Gosh, now I feel bad . . .. that I'm not there to punch him in the chip beef.

(Ke)  He feels it virtually. 

The Great Wall of Chinese Take-out

(Kr)  Our other apartment didn't rent.  I just have to leave it to the Lord to handle.  And by the Lord, I mean Tony at the leasing office.  Praise Tony!

(Ke)  Trust in him.  And so it shall be done.  What happened with the renter?

(Kr)  Her co-signer needed a co-signer. 

(Ke)  Oh, geesh.  You got anyone else lined up?

(Kr)  Nobody else lined up.  Just hoping that sucker rents by the 1st.  Having two apartments is way too cool for us. 

(Ke)  You're pretty big time.  It just seems lazy and boring to have two places in one city.

(Kr)  The travel time between places alone.  It's like jet-setting, but no jet.  And no setting, to be honest.  When you guys are here next, we gotta hit up happy hour across the street.   I'm talkin' cream cheese wontons for $3.

(Ke)  I'd pay $4

(Kr)  I'd pay $30.  Because I want 10 orders.

(Ke)  Well, you do have two apartments, so the world is your cream cheese wonton.

(Kr)  Why didn't I think of that a month ago?  An apartment with wall-to-wall cream cheese wontons.

(Ke)  Why not a year ago?  Or five years ago?

(Kr)  Didn't have two apartments a year ago.  And I need one to store red wine, silly.

Hermione Made Her Money

(Ke)  Oprah was interviewing JK Rowling and she kept, ever so subtly, slipping into a British accent.

(Kr)  Who?  Oprah?

(Ke)  The non-British one.

(Kr)  That's her magic; she absorbs the essence of those she interviews...oh, and she is totally annoying.

(Ke)  Then they just talked about being billionaires.  They lost me.

Extra! Extra!

(Kr)  Alert!  New Mario Lopez reality series.

(Ke)  I need a start date, time and channel.

(Kr)  Monday, November 1st, 10:30/9:30 Central.  VH1.  Bam!!!

(Ke)  I don't know how to thank you for bringing this to my attention.

(Kr)  I accept cash gifts and most gift cards.

Bigamy Loves Company

(Kr)  Is it just me or does the woman in the Glade commercials always have a different husband?  Slut.

(Ke)  You may be watching too much tv.

A Womb With a View

(Ke)  Your nephew



(Kr)  Holy shit!!!!  Did not know this was happening today!!! Oh my God! He looks just like you.

(Ke)  That is what Kory and Joe said. Same pose.



(Kr)  He does.  That's you.  It's too much to process.  That's what I was staring at for 9 months, 36 years ago.

(Ke)  Lucky you.

(Kr)  How many poses until you got it just right?  It's ridiculously exact.

(Ke)  One.  Joe's good.

(Kr) He should do fetus and mother shots.  Newborn with family photos are so passé.  This is where it's at.  How hard are you bawling right now?

(Ke)  I'm not crying right now but when it came up on the screen we were both so overwhelmed.  I cry every time.

(Kr)  My eyes won't let me cry because my brain can't take it in.  I'm about to burst.   I'm never going to stop kissing him.  Never!!  You're going to need a restraining order.

(Ke)  I already have it in place.

(Kr)  You just can't plan for this emotion.

(Ke)  I know, Kreets.  It's so surreal.

(Kr)  I feel like he's mine.  And he will be when I steal him.  But, he's mine now, too.  I'm going to be sick I'm so excited.  I need to keep talking about this.  Stop whatever you're doing with Joe.  He doesn't matter now.  This is about us:  me and my nephew.  And you.  But mostly me and the baby.  My phone freaked out for a second.  What did I miss?  Did he ask about me?  The baby, not Joe.  Again, he's not part of this.

(Ke)  He's aware of that.  He knows his place in all this.

(Kr)  I have a contract drawn up in case he forgets.

(Ke)  The baby asks about you non-stop.  It's always, "Auntie Kreets blah blah blah".

(Kr)  We try to text.  He gets bad reception.

(Joe)  Ok...here's the deal.  I'm running the show now.  Kel's phone died.  I hear you're trying to cut me out of the picture.  I saw the baby mouth, "Kreety Kreet".

(Kr)  You're out!!  Out I say!!!  You'll have visitation privileges, of course, within reason.  And all monies, living expenses, and recreation will be supplied by you.  Otherwise, it's me and that baby nephew.  But seriously I'm so happy for you. You must be so ecstatic to see that face.  But seriously seriously, out!!!

Destiny's Chide

(Ke)  Joe said the only ones allowed in the delivery room are him, me, Chicken and Hammer.

(Kr)  That sounds fair.

(Ke)  I'm watching a rerun of Punk'd (don't ask) and Ashton Kutcher is really bagging on Kelly Rowland.  He is beyond douchey.

(Kr)  Yes, he is.

(Ke)  She is the one being Punk'd.  I can't believe how rude he's being.

(Kr)  I can't believe so many things about this story.

(Ke)  I'll turn it.

(Kr)  Like the fact that you're telling it.

(Ke)  Just delete these texts.

(Kr)  My delete button broke.  It's so weird.

(Ke)  That sucks.  You should be able to fix it.  Maybe if you....hey, wait a minute.

Technolo-Gee Whiz

(Ke)  Joe got a sweet new monitor.  Just say the word and I'll give you all the details of where to get yourself one.

Edit Posts

(Kr)  I have no words.  For any of it.  Gotta go to sleeps.  Those jammies aren't gonna crumple themselves.  Marc is jealous of the analog action.

(Ke)  Why do you think I sent it?  Christmas is right around the corner.  Now get yourself to bed.  Love you.

Munchies At My Housey By Proxy Syndrome

(Ke)  What doing? 

(Kr)  Getting ready for bed.  Oh, and watching Weeds. 

(Ke)  Really putting that Showtime to use. 

(Kr)  $10 a month, beeeeeotch!

(Ke)  That buys a few diapers.  Like 2. 

(Kr)  Showtime can hold the potties. 

(Ke)  What about the number twos? 

(Kr)  Samesies. 

(Ke)  I'd believe that about TBS but Showtime? 

(Kr)  I can't stop eating. 

(Ke)  What are you eating? 

(Kr)  Egg sandwich, toast and peanut butter, chocolate chip cookies, ice cream, grilled cheese, chips, and hummus. 

(Ke)  Jesus.  That Showtime is going to come in handy. 

(Kr)  In about 8 hours, yes. 

(Ke)  Love you, Kreets.  Sleep on your side in case you puke. 

Showtime After Time

(Kr)  All I've wanted is Showtime.  I finally got it.  It wasn't so hard a goal to attain.

(Ke)  You've got your Weeds. 


(Kr)  It's all I wanted.

(Ke)  Congratulations, Kreets.  I'm happy for you...and your low standards.

(Kr)  Tank yooooooooouu.

(Ke)  Happy Showtiming.  Love you.

(Kr)  Love you.

Agree To Agree

(Kr)  I really find John Corbett charming.

(Ke)  He really is.  I just wish he'd quit doing Nia Vardalos movies.

ESPajamas

(Kr)  Sure, I could tell ya I'm not in my pajamas at 6 pm but I'm not a liar.  And a part of my heart tells me you just might be in your pajamas, too.

(Ke)  That's freaky!  Put 'em on around 4.

(Kr)  That feels about right.  It's tough being this awesome.  Mostly because it takes energy and as you've figured out by the aforementioned pajamas, I'm lazy.

(Ke)  I wish it was bedtime...sigh...

(Kr)  It's always bedtime.

(Ke)  Somehow I knew that would be your response.

(Kr)  You know me so....zzzzzz........

(Ke)  Wake up!  Dateline is on!

(Kr)  Zzzzzzz....Wha...what?  Oh, phew!  I have TiVo. . .  Zzzzzzzzz......

(Ke)  It's pretty much on 24 hours a day on various channels.  When it's not, CSI: Miami is.

(Kr)  Mmmmmmmmm....David Caruso.  And by mmmmmm I, of course, mean, yuuuuuuuck.

Cold Stallone Creamery

(Kr)  You going to fly or drive to LA?

(Ke)  Probably drive

(Kr)  BYOP

(Ke)  ok

(Kr)  We miiiiiiight have sheets for you.  Miiight.  If you're lucky.  I can't wait for you to see our place.  It's pimp. 

(Ke)  I can't wait either but don't talk like that. 

(Kr)  Can't stop the pimpness.  Peeump. 

(Ke)  It had better actually employ hookers. 

(Kr)  I've seen some candidates. 

(Ke)  Oh no.  Are you living on Sunset in Burbank? 

(Kr)  Nah, this place it cool.  Now sshhhhhhhh.  I'm trying to watch Cliffhanger. 

(Ke)  She falls. 

(Kr)  I actually find myself attracted to Stallone in this movie.  I must be getting distracted by John Lithgow's unnecessary British accent.  We are going to watch Frozen.  Unless a movie has sub-zero temperatures, we aren't going to watch it. 

(Ke)  You better throw in Whiteout. 

(Kr)  We saw Frozen in half the time because it was so awful we watched in on fast forward. 

(Ke)  Yet you still watched it.  

How Muppet Babies Are Made

(Kr)  That looks like a Joe pose.

(Ke)  Sho nuff.

(Kr)  I still love it.  Night night.  Love you.

The Sprinkles Of Hope In A Lifetime Tragedy

(Kr)  Damn!  So, I went to wash the poop out of hair, right?

(Ke)  Right.

(Kr)  And I come back to find out the Heather Locklear/Johnathan Schaech Lifetime movie, I was very much invested in, ended.  Now I'll never know what was torturing her and trying to make her think she was crazy after her release from a mental institution, where she was put after seeing all her co-workers at the restaurant, where she was a chef, get murdered.  She was starting over.  New town.  A new life.  Who was stalking her?!?

(Ke)  You should have waited on that poop hair.  Let this be a lesson.

(Kr)  On the upside, chocolate mousse!!

(Ke)  How do I get admitted?  I might come have the baby there.

(Kr)  I might still be here when he's born.  Maybe we can share my room.  If I've learned one thing through this whole ordeal, it's that no matter what state a Lifetime movie is set it, if it's remotely South, they all have the same accent.  It's like they have one Lifetime dialect coach.

(Ke)  I don't know what about the dialect coach, but one thing is for sure.  It most definitely smells like urine in this theater.  Gotta shut my phone off.  Love you.

(Kr)  They put sprinkles on my whip cream on my mousse.  So, there!  Enjoy your stupid movie and your outside life.

A Diur(etic) Situation

(Kr)  I can't tell you how, but I got poop in my hair.

(Ke)  You know how and you need to tell me.

(Kr)  I pooped.  I wiped.  I was waiting to poop more.  Ran my finger through my hair.  Looked down.  Poop on my hand.  Shower time.

(Ke)  We've all never been there.

Down At Fragile Rock

(Ke)  Awake?

(Kr)  Meerning.

(Ke)  You wakeded up.  

(Kr)  I did.  Didn't want to.

(Ke)  When ya breakin' out?

(Kr)  I hope today.  Ask me the last time I washed my hair.

(Ke)  I'm going to guess Tuesday.

(Kr)  I think it was Monday.

(Ke)  What meds are they giving you?

(Kr)  They've given me so much:  A steroid, an antibiotic, breathing treatments, Tylenol, Valium,  Hydrocodone,  Dulocolax, something for acid, blahbedy blah blah.

(Ke)  Are you feeling ok?  Are they giving you an albuterol inhaler?

(Kr)  The breathing treatments have been albuterol.  Haven't been prescribed anything yet.  And now the Dr.  can't see me until tonight.  Argh.

(Ke)  That sucks.  Stupid hospitals.

(Kr)  Fraggle Rock is on!  

(Ke)  On what channel are they playing that?

(Kr)  Damn.  It's almost over.  HUB

(Ke)  Don't know what that is unless your iPhone took over. 

(Kr)  It's a new network for kids.  Get to know it.

(Ke)  I guess I have to.

(Kr)  So, the nurse just "administered" a laxative.  My hospital stay has hit the pinnacle of fun. 

(Ke)  Icheewawa!  That's what's referred to as a call back.

(Kr)  This is the result of tight skin and tiny veins.  I take it as a compliment.  Doesn't feel like one.

)

Neil Pudding Harris

(Kr)  Sorry I disappeared.  I had to go walk.  Then my IV got jacked.  Then dinner.  Theeeeeee most deeeeeeelicious pudding ever.

(Ke)  Pudding IV?

(Kr)  Straight to my taste buds.  I'm watching Doogie Howler.  NPH's voice has barely changed.

(Ke)  Doogie Howler?  Oh, iPhone.

(Kr)  It is a better title. Thanks again, iPhone.  (I just high fived my phone.)

(Ke)  You are in the psych ward.  (Circling ear with index finger and pointing in your general direction.)

(Kr)  Just because I high fived my phone?  But...I....oh, you might be right.

(Ke)  Coo coo.

(Kr)  Coo coo for hospital pudding.  I asked for seconds.

(Ke)  Did they comply?

(Kr)  He's gonna try real hard.  He saw in my eyes that it would mean the world to me.

(Ke)  It's the least they could do.  I think you're going to be in there a loooooooong time.

(Kr)  Go ahead.  Scoop on the loneliness.

(Ke)  It's just that you'll probably die in there...but with a gut full of pudding so what could be bad about that?

(Kr)  I'm not leaving you my pudding in my will.  Mostly because I'm going to eat if first.

(Ke)  I knew there were no hopes of leftovers.

(Kr)  None at all.

(Ke)  Still eating?

(Kr)  Nope.  Didn't get my second pudding.  My heart and lungs are broken.

(Ke)  What the hell?

(Kr)  I'm hurt.  The nice man lied to me.

I Feel The Need, The Need For A Speedy Recovery

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  I was just wondering the same thing about you.  I'm going to work.  How do you feel?

(Kr)

(Ke)  I see.

(Kr)  I feel ok.  Tired.  Haven't seen the Dr. yet.  Lots o' Lifetime Movie Network.

(Ke)  Are you a jet fighter pilot now?

(Kr)  Yep. They have courses here.

(Ke)  Good for you.  I don't know much about it but you should probably be wearing a helmet. Maybe that's lesson two after the masks.

(Kr)  It's just in-bed training for now.

(Ke)  How long is the course?

(Kr)  Hopefully just another day.  It's not really my thing.  I need a nap. Super tired.  Love ya.

(Ke)  Love you, Maverick.

(Kr)  You're my Goose.

(Ke)  Now I've got "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" stuck in my head.  Great.

Hospit(al)able Accommodations

(Kr)  Hi, it's the Kreets.



(Ke)  Kreets!!!  Why didn't you call me?  Remember the whole "let family members know when you go to the emergency room" conversation?

(Kr)  Didn't happen until 1.

(Ke)  So what led up to it?

(Kr)  I had a bad asthma attack last night leading up to this morning.  Called Dr. Purkin.  They got me in.  Sent me to Dr. Taback.  He said to admit me.

(Ke)  Your breather is broken? Vic Tayback?

(Kr)  Yep, he's making me a burger.  There were no beds so going through ER was the fastest way to get a bed.

(Ke)  Yipeskins.

(Kr)  Didn't feel fast.

(Ke)  It never does.

(Kr)  I think he admitted me because I was a crying mess, hadn't eaten or slept.  Plus the whole breathing thing.

(Ke)  Are you in the psych ward?

(Kr)  Feels like it.  There's a woman screaming "can somebody help me"?

(Ke)  Your new roommate?

(Kr)  I only hope.  Company would be nice.

(Ke)  I wish I could give you a nice loose hug.

(Kr)  Me, too.

(Ke)  You should have planned this for next weekend so I could.

(Kr)  Miss my sissy.

(Ke)  Miss you, Kreets.  Get some sleep.

(Kr)  Love you.

(Ke)  Love you so much, Kreets.

(Kr)  I found my Golden Girls.  It's like you're here with me.  I wish my IV was chocolate milk.

(Ke)  But then you'd be missing the most crucial part.

(Kr)  Which is?

(Ke)  Um...tasting it?  Der.

(Kr)  Watching it pour into my arm would almost be enough.

(Ke)  We both know that's a lie.

RIP Van Winkle

(Ke)  DIY is soon to be my favorite channel.  The Vanilla Ice Project premieres soon.  Remember when he didn't want to be known as Vanilla Ice anymore then realized it's the only way he will ever have any kind of career?

(Kr)  When does that start?  I'm intrigued.  I wish I had "vanilla" in my name. Ya know, for street cred.

(Ke)  It says Thursdays. I only pray I haven't missed any.

(Kr)  That's definitely where I would focus any prayers.

(Ke)  The rest are focused on not growing facial hair.

Pulling The Sizzlean Over Joe's Eyes

(Ke)  I just told Joe to "move over bacon".  He had no idea what I was talking about.  Sigh...

(Kr)  Is it too late to get the marriage annulled?  I don't like the way this is going.

(Ke)  Then when I said, "here comes something meatier" he told me I am adorable...like i made it up.  How can I just walk away from that?

(Kr)  Always take adorable.  Even if you don't deserve it.

(Ke)  That's pretty much what our relationship is based on.

Bubble Baby

(Ke)  The baby is kicking like crazy.  It's crazy how long I've been feeling him and didn't realize what it was.

(Kr)  What did you think it was?  Hamburgers?

(Ke)  I guess I just thought I was plagued with constant gas bubbles.  I just accepted it.

(Kr)  I guess I have the hiccups.  They're literally making my shoulders shrug.

(Ke)  Because you don't know how to get rid of them?

(Kr)  Touche'.

JC Penney Pincher

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Buying blinds.

(Kr)  You should buy sights.  Much more useful.

(Ke)  Har har har.  We saved about $500.

(Kr)  Yowza!  How much would they have been?

(Ke)  About $1600.  They're always on sale but we got 65% off, then 10%, then 15% with a coupon 10% because I'm getting the card, which I'm usually opposed to but we're getting some other stuff, too.  JCP is my new favorite store.

(Kr)  That's awesome but just don't call it JCP. It's not cool.  Not even close.

(Ke)  I'm not trying to be cool.  I'm trying to save some dough.

(Kr)  Again, by saying dough you render yourself uncool.

(Ke)  Just cool it, you dig? Also just saved $194 on towels.  Spent $141.

(Kr)  Where?  JCP?  Dammit!  It's catchy, I'll admit.

(Ke)  Yes, doll.

(Kr)  The "enney" just feels so cumbersome now.  Doll?  No.

(Ke)  Don't be such a square.

(Kr)  You're really gonna get a knuckle sandwich.

Bieber Fingers

(Kr)  What doing?  I need to discuss something of urgent importance.

(Ke)  Going to meet Vicki.

(Kr)  But it involves Justin Bieber.

(Ke)  I'm available.

(Kr)  He is going to have a line of nail polish sold exclusively at Wal-Mart with colors named after all of his songs.  And he has a book coming out with, not one, but TWO colons in the title.  Also in the title the number 2 used as the word "to".  Ya know, all I ask for is a little peace on a Sunday morning. And now this?  Why?  WHY??

(Ke)  When you said urgent and important I had no idea it would need to become a top priority.  This is critical.  Be more clear!

(Kr)  If my day starts with this knowledge, so should yours.  Mull it over.  I have 2 go back 2 sleep now.  I hope to feel better about this 2morrow.

(Ke)  I have news, too.  I don't know if I should tell you in this delicate state but it's a burden I don't think I can carry alone.

(Kr)  Well, I'm already awake.  This Bieber stuff shook me to my core.  May as well pile it on.

(Ke)  He may host a new version of Punk'd.

(Kr)  I don't know what upsets me more; that he's hosting it or that they are actually considering remaking that show.  Are we already remaking shows from 5 years ago?  Kutcher has his hand in this.  I can smell it.

(Ke)  You should be horrified by both.  There's no doubt he does.  I pray he makes a cameo.  The world is ready once again for Mr. Kutcher's arrogant attempt at being humorous.

(Kr)  I'm not ready.  I need a 10 year re-set window.  It's only fair.  Especially since he's been making movies in the meantime.  I need to try and forget all this is happening.  I'm going to close my eyes, focus, and go to my happy place:  a black jack table at Treasure Island.  Just me, my endless amount of chips, my mediocre glass of casino wine, the dealer and the happy people at my table:  Gordon from Memphis in town for a convention.  And Julie and Kevin from Tampa.  It's their first time in Vegas and they just can't seem to stop winning.  None of us can.  Oh, happy place.  I adore you and your non-Kutcher/Bieberness.

(Ke)  Sleep tight, Kreets.  Sleep tight.  Don't let the Bieber bugs bite.

Baby With The DishWater

(Kr)  I still think you should keep the baby in the dining room and keep the office.

(Ke)  Joe took no time in agreeing.  I personally don't trust the baby not to steal food.

(Kr)  It's not stealing if the baby pays for his food with his job he's required to get upon discharge from the hospital.  Sorry I said discharge.

(Ke)  I've already got headhunters lined up.

(Kr)  Pre-natal career training.  If you haven't started, it's already too late.

(Ke)  Sounds like a lot of work.  I guess we'll just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Migraination

(Kr)  I'm not sure if I'd rather have a blinding migraine or watch The Situation dance again.

(Ke)  The pain of a migraine will fade.

Ichee-no-no

(Ke)  I guess I say "icheewawa" now.

(Kr)  You need to cease and desist on that nonsense.

(Ke)  It just comes out when I hurt myself.  Which is a lot.

(Kr)  Save it up for when you give birth and then yelp out one last "Icheewawa!!!".  Then you'll be done.

(Ke)  I don't make a habit out of yelping unless I'm looking for a good Mexican restaurant, but I'll consider it.

(Kr)  I was just yelping delicious Mexican restaurants not 45 minutes ago.  For now, I'm just trying to enjoy my corporate Mexican food at Chevy's.

The Affleck Effect

(Ke)  I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams that He's Just Not That Into You was this painful.

(Kr)  I'm just not that into it.

(Ke)  When Ben Affleck is the best character, it's a problem.

(Kr)  I'm going to watch Get Him To The Greek.  It may want to get me to the sleep.

(Ke)  Your hopes are just about the right level.

Hard Hitting Newzzzzzzz . . .

(Kr)  I'm watching Dateline and in the middle of the story the correspondent just says, "anyway"....

(Ke)  Sounds like Phoenix news.

(Kr)  Like he just got bored with the murder he was talking about.

(Ke)  Zzzzz....I'm sorry.  Let me know when there's Snooki news.

The Ghosts of Dinners Never To Come

(Ke)  I couldn't figure out why my car smelled like there was a dead animal in the back seat.  There were actually 3 in the trunk:  all the chicken, turkey and hamburger I bought yesterday.

(Kr)  I had to take a moment of silence....for those lost...and then forgotten.

(Ke)  It's hard to forget when I can still smell their presence.  They'll be haunting me for while.  I dubbed my car The Dead Meat Machine.  It's pretty bad ass.

Curb Your Couch Enthusiasm

(Ke)  There are no less then 6 rummage sales within a 2 block radius of our house.  I'll look for a sofa bed for you.

(Kr)  Did you see any?

(Ke)  There's one with a couple of cigarette burns for $100 bucks.  Should I have them hold it?

(Kr)  Yes, please.

(Ke)  It'll be waiting on the curb.

It's A Golden World, We're Just Livin' In It

(Kr)  I have some horrible news.  It's almost too awful to tell.

(Ke)  What?

(Kr)  Our cable package doesn't come with WE and there is a Golden Girls marathon on right now.

(Ke)  Great, now I'm not going to be able to sleep.  You couldn't have told me that in the morning?  Thanks.

(Kr)  Life feels pointless.  Utterly pointless.

(Ke)  Wine will help...but not enough.  I wish I was there.  I feel so helpless.

(Kr)  It's going to take an entire vineyard.  It's ok.  Just go to sleep.  Leave me.  Save yourself.  I just wish there was something else worth caring about.

(Ke)  I feel like you shouldn't be alone.

(Kr)  I'm so cold.

(Ke)  Should I be worried?

(Kr)  Hold up!!!  I get the Hallmark Channel!  GG Marathon!!

(Ke)  Jesus, that was a close one.

(Kr)  I'm born again.  I can't describe the feeling.  It's like if chocolate was an emotion.

(Ke)  I'm happy for you.  If I can stop shaking from the worrying I'm going to bed.

(Kr)  Go to bed.  I have my Girls.  I kind of don't need you any more.

(Ke)  Oh, I see.  Goodnight.

(Kr)  Dorothy's hair has just a tinge of lilac.  It's so punk.

(Ke)  And she can rock a ship captain's jacket with shoulder pads like nobody's business. 

(Kr)  That's my Dorothy.  She's like the sister I never had.  Goodnight.  Like you.

(Ke)  Barely like you.

Dream A Little Dream Of Cream

(Kr)  I've thought about it, and the greatest thing about where we both live is that we are both within walking distance of a Dairy Queen.

(Ke)  We can have long distance Blizzard dates.  It's what we always dreamed for ourselves as little girls growing up in South Dakota.

(Kr)  It's been my lifelong dream.

Dirty Dog

(Ke)  I was trying to take a picture of his wound then he made it weird.

Ice Cream Cone

(Kr)  I need one of those for me and ice cream.  No licks!!!

(Ke)  You'd find a way.  Nothing comes in between you and your creamies.

And the Osc-hair Goes To

(Ke)  I want Glenn Close's hair in Fatal Attraction.  I guess it's perm time.

(Kr)  It's zig-zaggy.  It's not curly, it's not crimped.  It's like crazy lighting rod head.

(Ke)  Her hair played crazy better than she did.  And that's saying a lot.

Norman Bates Approved

(Kr)  I need your help with shower curtains.

(Ke)  What kind of help could you possibly need?  I'm kinda busy helping Kory pick out drying racks.

(Kr)  Oh, I see.  A smart ass.  You get cotton?  What's PEVA?  When you visit we'll all watch Joe shower because there will be nothing there to cover his ass.

(Ke)  I think PEVA stands for Preventing Eventual Visual of Asses.

(Kr)  See why I need one?  I need zero ass visuals.  Eventual or otherwise.

(Ke)  PEVA is used in body bags so if we ever need to carry a dead body to the river with your shower curtain we'd be good.  That's definitely the way to go.