Sneezings Greetings

(Kr)  Walking to work.  Pep in my step.  Sneezed.  Walked by a guy and smiled; said hi as people do.  Happened to look down after the fact. Snot all over my shirt.  

(Ke)  Stop trying to entice men already. You're married!

(Kr)  The shirt is black, too. For optimal snot-showage.  Feeling pretty great about Friday. 

Del Taco Bell

(Kr)  Del Taco's new tag line is "Unfreshing Believable."  So nobody, not one person involved in that campaign, thought that resembled: "Del Taco.  Not Fresh."?

(Ke)  Subtle truth in advertising. I prefer "Unfucking Befreshable" myself but what do I know?

(Kr)  There should be job loss at the other end of this.

Look at Taco Bell. Not even feigning nutrition. I appreciate that.  

(Ke)  That's not "wake up at 6 AM and attack the day" Dew, that's "stay up until 4 AM smoking pot and playing vids then run to Taco Bell for an AM Crunchwrap" Dew.

(Kr)  "How can we make Mountain Dew even more terrible?  Add orange juice!"  Kudos, T.B.   

Stop Collaborate Don't Listen

(Kr)  This country/rap combo needs to pull a serious cease and desist.  It's a musical felony.

(Ke)  I blame Nelly. He has a country rap sheet a mile long.

(Kr)  My ears are filing a restraining order. They feel so violated. It's assault and battery in the key of terrible.

Coffee Costastrophe

(Ke)  I have been charged the following prices for the SAME drink at the SAME Starbucks over the past few months: $3.98, 3.15, 4.09, 3.44, 3.51. Get you pricing shit together, Starbucks! 

(Kr)  Maybe the Star is actually an asterisk. 

*prices may vary for no explicable reason. If you ask us about it, we'll charge you more bucks. 

(Ke)  They're punishing me for drinking hot chocolate in the summer. It's delicious. I make no apologies!

Identification Violation

(Kr)  The guy at Trader Joe's told me I looked better in my license picture. Which is so ironic, because I was just about to not ask his f***ing opinion. 

(Ke)  Did you tell him in 2 seconds he will look more slapped than he does now? And that his job is to tell you how much he looooves the Greek yogurt you bought, not be a rude a hole?

(Kr)  He covered with a "You look good now, too. I just like long hair."  He's got the back-handed compliment thing down to a science. First-grade science. 

(Ke)  It was more front-handed insult. 

Inconceivable Pain

(Kr)  I just hit my ankle so hard on the bed, it made my ovaries scream. 

(Ke)  Just imagine if you would have hit your ovaries. 

(Kr)  I can barely walk. I'll never get pregnant now. 

(Ke)  I think we need to have a talk. Walking doesn't play a huge role in getting pregnant. 

(Kr)  Don't question my methods.

(Ke)  You're on track with the swollen ankles, though.