Thursday, August 23, 2012

Word War One

(Kr)  If I'm playing Words With Friends with total strangers at 2:30 a.m. and I drop my phone on my face, is that a sign to stop or persevere despite all adversity?

(Ke)  Make sure you're not bleeding, then carry on.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I Hear The Secrets That You Keep . . .

(Kr)  A few nights ago, in the middle of a deep sleep, Marc told me to hit the wise button.

(Ke)  You guys need a video camera in your room.

(Kr)  It's Paranormal Activity up in this piece.

Berry Gross

(Ke)


(Kr)  I think that may be the infamous raspberry dragon.  Keep it in a ventilated jar.  Very rare, my friend.  

(Ke)  Oh, Trader Joe's, your fruit is always full of surprises; bugs, mold, dragons.   You never know what you're going to get. 

(Kr)  I think raspberry rule is:  If there are creatures living in it, it's ripe enough to eat.  Enjoy!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Lotion Revoltion

(Ke)


This had been on the bathroom counter for over a month.  From the only vantage point I would ever notice it, it looked like it said Bodycologne and I would think, "I don't want any lotion with that name anywhere near my body".  By the time I stood up, I would forget about it.  This went on and on.  Finally yesterday I looked at it closer.


So much better.  Then I threw it away anyway. 

(Kr)  Stood up?  So, at the root of this story, you're peeing? 

(Ke)  I was doing what ladies do in the toilette.  

(Kr)  Why do you hate the coconut/lime combo so much?  Did a lime touch you? 

(Ke)  I like them both very much but I guess I was just tired of looking at it and had probably had it for years so it was time to part. 

(Kr)  The cabinet wasn't an option?  Just trash whatever offends your eyes?  Must be nice. 

(Ke)  Hey, when you live in the lap of lotion luxury, you discard whatever you want whenever you want.  It lived in the cabinet for a long time just taking up space.  Freeloading.  Bronx dug it out.  I no longer needed its services. 

(Kr)  I think I hear it crying from here. 

(Ke)  I'm happy to dig it out and bring it to LA. 

(Kr)  We are currently fostering our lotion limit. 

(Ke)  That's what I thought. 


Friday, August 17, 2012

Boat Coat

(Kr)  

Please get this for Bronx.  It's a great excuse to get a yacht. 

(Ke)  Go ahead and grab it in a 24 months and two 456 months. 

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Embryo Cardio

(Ke)  It must be time for Zolly's Saturday morning kickboxing class.  She's really working out some aggression. It think she got the "buy two months get two months free" package.  She's really taking advantage and November is a ways a way.

(Kr)  She'll pack the pounds on over Thanksgiving. Is she aware she won't be out for bikini season?  Seems like such a waste of kickboxing.

(Ke)  She wants to look amazing for her debut.  And I'll have you know she's very committed to her routine.  Almost too.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Lions And Tigers And Bears, Oh Shit!

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Just watching a movie with Chicken.  It's called Elephant in the Living Room.  About people who own wild animals.  I'm probs going to get a lion or python.

(Ke)  I'm sure that's the lesson of the movie.

(Kr)  That's what I'm taking away.  If I'm super naive, I probably won't get my guts eaten in my sleep.

(Ke)  Be sensible.  Wait until you have a baby, then get a bear.  They can share a crib.   Adorable.

(Kr)  You're a genius.  How do you not own a deadly animal?

(Ke)  I guess because I'm a terrible parent.

(Kr)  True.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Get This Potty Started

(Ke)  Bronx and I are neck and neck for pants peeing today.

(Kr)  I'm surprised you're not ahead.  You got skillzzzzz.

(Ke)  One more sneeze and I take the prize.  And I'm going to be awake more hours than him.

(Kr)  Take that advantage and make your family proud.

(Ke)  Done.  I didn't want to wear those comfy pjs any more tonight anyway.

(Kr)  Put on something formal and restricting.  Then you won't be disappointed when you have to take it off.

(Ke)  Most of my clothes are restricting at this point.  Now if I could just teach Bronx to change me.


Friday, August 10, 2012

Sweet Spill Of Success

(Ke)  The new record for cleaning up a full glass bottle of maple syrup off the kitchen floor is 9 minutes 13 seconds.  This includes initial paper towel clean and glass pick up, swiffer, vacuum, and an additional swiffer.  I'm riding a high right now.

(Kr)  Did a bottle of delicious maple syrup need to lose it's life for you to get your jollies?  You disgust me.

(Ke)  It was going one way or another.  Shouldn't it be in the most dramatic way possible?  Eating it on waffles and pancakes over months and months? Boring.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Willing To Compromise

(Kr)  My single worst fear about having a child is that he/she will grow up and make the choice to go on "Bachelor Pad".

(Ke)  It's valid.  It will still be on by then.

(Kr)  It's going in my will.  You go on that show, you inherit none of my debt.  That'll show 'em.  Obviously, if money is won, different story.

Mother Bear(ly)

(Ke)  Me to mother of boy in Bronx's swim class about her son:  "How old is he?" Her:  "Ugh, I don't know.  I can't keep track of months."  Me:  "Oh.  Ok."

(Kr) A) That's something a kidnaper says.  B) Hope that little boy doesn't like birthday parties. And C) In the future she'll need that skill to know when he's up for parole.

Fear From Within

(Kr)  I'm about to tell you a true story.  It happened to me, so I know.

(Ke)  Ok, I'm ready.

(Kr)  I was sitting on the couch, not even 10 minutes ago, when I could smell death.  Death, I say!  It was deep and foul and heart-stopping.  Like the devil himself had just waved his pitchfork under my nose.   I thought, "Is this a premonition?  A sign?  Where do I run?  How can I escape this terrifying scent of torture?"

(Ke)  Hold on.  I think I need more chocolate for this.

(Kr)  Yes, child.  Nourish thyself.

(Ke)  I'm ready.

(Kr)  Please hold a moment.

(Ke)  What?  I'm on the edge of everything over here!

(Kr)  Had to refill my wine.  Where was I?  Oh, yes.  I began to question what I had done in this life to deserve such a cruel experience.  I began to fear my mortality and look back upon my existence.

(Ke)  Oh, boy . . .

(Kr)  Silence!  As I tried to control the sobs and screams I could feel emerging just below my soul, I raised my hand to cover my mouth, and realized . . .'twas thine own breath.   Soooooo my bad, sister girl.

(Ke)  I ate an awful lot of chocolate in anticipation of the finale.  Lucky for you I'm too tired to be disappointed.  Oh, and gross.

(Kr)  I've been home all day.  It's my best story.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Fashion Passion

(Kr)  I just read the following sentence in a magazine: "We found the most achingly gorgeous muted pastels."  I'm pretty sure I've now read every sentence ever written.

(Ke)  Was it Men's Health?

(Kr)  That would be the gorgeously muted cherry on top of an achingly pastel cake.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Bitter Chocolate

(Ke)

(Kr)  Oh no.  Why'd you tell me about that?

(Ke)  Just to make sure you are aware of what's about to happen.

(Kr)  But now I know they exist.  And that I can shove one in my face in one bite.

(Ke)  You do have to bake them first.  Does that deter you?

(Kr)  I thought it said ready to bite.  This changes everything.

(Ke)  They do sell ready to bite brownies, too.  You can even chew and swallow them immediately.

(Kr)  What did I just say about telling me that stuff?!

(Ke)  I figured it was common knowledge.  You do have to go there and get them.  Does this change things?

(Kr)  Again, yes.


Disney Digestion

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  At work.  My stomach growling is offensively audible.  It sounds like the Haunted Mansion ride in there.

(Ke)  Fun!

(Kr)  Not if you're the mango and almonds making your way through my digestive tract.  I hear them screaming.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Hair A Parent

(Ke)  Stupid baby hairs are giving me a cowlick.

(Kr)  Put them up for adoption.  I'm sure there's somebody out there who would love to nurture your baby hairs to their full potential.  You thought long and hard before you got into this relationship with this haircut.  Now you have beautiful baby hairs.  Baby hairs you knew would be a result of that union.  And now you resent them.

(Ke)  But, I only cut it that one time.

(Kr)  You're not a teenager!  You made your choice.  Your hair didn't fall on those scissors.  I think the most insulting thing is that not everyone is capable of having that haircut.  They just don't have the hair for it.  They pay good money to professionals who say they will do their best, only to find it's just not possible.

(Ke)  I've made my bed.  I take full responsibility.

(Kr) That's the mature thing to do.  They'll grow and you'll regret ever feeling this way.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Baby Fat

(Kr)  Just overheard at lunch, "you will gain 100 pounds and you will not have 100 pound baby."  Non-sarcastically, by the way.

(Ke)  People are so ridiculous.  Even the biggest idiot knows babies only way half of what you gain so in this case 50.  That's an average size baby.