octogenarian.sexy

(Kr)  I keep getting emails for elderly dating sites.

(Ke)  I'm going to need to know the names of those sites.  Just out of curiosity.  Not for any particular reason.

(Kr)  I'll just forward your email to them.

(Ke)  Perfect.  I don't get enough spam.  Or dates with old people.

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've Got Bunnies In My Tummy

(Kr)  Happy Easter, nerd.

(Ke)  Did you find all your eggs?

(Kr)  Yep.  Marc hid them all in the fridge.  In a carton.  It took me about 3 hours, but I figured it out.  I miss the days of eating your candy that you had stashed away.  Those were good times.  It was just sitting there.  Waiting to be eaten and you were torturing it by "saving" it.  I did it a favor.

(Ke)  You were kind of a holiday jerk face.  I secretly wished a stomach ache upon you.

(Kr)  Oh, I had plenty.  Sweet, sweet stolen chocolate gut aches.  I'd do it again, dammit.  I'd do it all again.

(Ke)  You are more than welcome to any hollow chocolate item in my past or future possession.  What a waste.  Stay the hell away from my malted milk eggs.  Those are sacred!

(Kr)  Keep your dummy malted treats.  The bunny is what I'm after.  It's the trophy of all Easter candy and I.  Shall.  Prevail!  Basically, I won Easter.

(Ke)  I hope you and your 5 pounds of milk chocolate bunny are very happy together.

(Kr)  My bangs were curled and punished by the chocolate gods.  Perhaps I should be making candy amends and not taunting you with stolen chocolate memories of Easter past.

Ke)  That would be more in the Easter spirit.  I think.  What is Easter about again?

(Kr)  I thought it was about stealing candy from you twin.

(Ke)  Then I never really got to celebrate.  Thanks for not only stealing my candy but Easter, too.

(Kr)  I said amends.  No go? This is what I looked like when I woke up. Isn't that punishment enough?

(Kr)  Also, these were on my nightstand.  I think I may have a problem. 

(Ke)  Ok.   I forgive you.  I would like to be reimbursed, though.

(Kr)  Woah, let's not get ludicrous.

(Ke)  You put yourself in this position.

Weight Losers

(Kr)  Let's have a contest.

(Ke)  Is it weight loss related?  Because I would be losing with my current meal.

(Kr)  It is.  A challenge.  I just saw my arms in bright light.  Bad.

(Ke)  Ok.  Bring it.  (Sorry about that.)

(Kr)  I need a partner.  Let's push each other.  No.  Let's.  Let's bring it.

(Ke)  Ok.  Get a baby and let's do this.  (Again, I apologize.)

(Kr)  50 push-ups and lunges a day.  100 sit ups and 45 minutes of cardio.

(Ke)  Please, challenge me.  Umm...100 sit ups, you say?

(Kr)  Yeah, any kind.

(Ke)  Ok, does puking up the 1000 calories I just ate play into this at all?

Hairy Scary

(Kr)

(Ke)  Did you get a new towel?  It looks good.  Oh, and GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

(Kr)  Just a little mousse hair coloring.

This Baby's Too Bellylicious

(Ke)  I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

(Kr)  You're right.  I wasn't ready.  Kiss his belly for me.

Accordi(an)ng To Me

(Ke)  I'm breastfeeding literally a foot from the guy working in our yard.  Only a very thin window, through which I can hear sweet, sweet Mexican accordion, separates us.

(Kr)  Did you dedicate your breastfeeding to him via the Mexican accordion?  Now that's class, sister girl.

What Happens In Vegas Gives Me A Headache

(Ke)  I wanna go to Vegas.

(Kr)  Me, tooooooooo.

(Ke)  Watching The Hangover.  I always feel that way during the first 15 minutes.

(Kr)  Me, too.  Then they get to the hangover part and the flashbacks roll in.

(Ke)  When they're eating breakfast by the pool all I can think about is how bright it is.  My head vicariously hurts.

(Kr)  Now I want breakfast.  This has taken a turn.  A turn for pancakes.

(Ke)  I could fuck up a waffle right now.

All Right, Mr. DeMille, I'm Not Ready For My Close Up

(Ke)  Guess who that is.

(Kr)  I don't get it.  Is it you?  Who is that?

(Ke)  You might think it's Rumpelstiltskin but unfortunately it's me.

(Kr)  Hahaha.  It's just such a weird angle.  I hope you're not reading into it.  I've seen pictures of myself that make me question who I am and my life choices.

(Ke)  We just got a new camera.  Too much optical zoom.  No one ever told me I look so much like Larry King.

(Kr)  Just up close.

(Ke)  Sadly, I'll take it.

The Karate Man

(Kr)  Is everyone on sleep potion over there?

(Ke)  Everyone.  Now leave me alone I'm watching Ralph Macchio.

(Kr)  Me too.  I'm not sharing.

(Ke)  He's ridiculous.  We'll let him choose.

(Kr)  I already emailed him.

(Ke)  Your email isn't going to get there before my text.

(Kr)  Techno-foiled again.

She's A Lady

(Kr)  I have Bronxy's burp cloth.  I'll probably sleep with it every night.

(Ke)  You can burp in it.

(Kr)  It will class up my burps.  They need some class.

(Ke)  I didn't want to say anything.

(Kr)  Your silence says enough.

Buckin' Bronx

(Ke)

(Kr)  Now, that's adorable.  And it would be pretty amazing if I didn't know you were in the room.

(Ke)  I just walked in on it. 

(Kr)  Then I'm amazed.  Color me it.  

A Little Bit Hazy, A Little Bit Lazy

(Kr)  You no call last night.

(Ke)  Got home at 2.

(Kr)  I can smell the booze on that text, sister girl.  Hungover?

(Ke)  A little.  We've been in bed all day.  We need a bigger bed for Saturdays.

(Kr)  Put all your beds in the house together in the living room and just sew all your blankets together.

(Ke)  Why didn't I think of that?

(Kr)  Because you're not a sleeping genius, such as myself.

(Ke)  I haven't reached that status.

American Idle

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Just got home from eating, fed Bronx, and watching A. I.  You?

(Kr)  Just gonna take a bath.  Soooo behind on Idol.

(Ke)  Meh.  Just catch it next season.

(Kr)  Is David Archuleta still in the running?

(Ke)  As far as you know.

(Kr)  Why must they keep massacring Whitney Houston?

(Ke)  Who?

(Kr)  Just every girl ever on the show.  I'm trying to not like this Scotty kid.

(Ke)  He had me, then he lost me, and then he had me.  Is it still ok to use that expression?

(Kr)  You've had quite the tumultous relationship.

(Ke)  One of my better ones.

(Kr) That Casey dude is a beard away from being cute.

(Ke)  His talent helps.

Filthy, Dirty Diapers

(Ke)  Is Huggies messing with me?

(Kr)  I can't really see.  I can only see peek-a-boo, and that is a little disturbing come to think of it.

(Ke)  Perfect Size and 1, 2, I See You.

(Kr)  Perfect size?!?!  Pooh, I expect better from you, buddy.

(Ke)  It's that damn Christopher Robin.  He's a bad influence.

Heart To Heart

(Kr)  You know that feeling you get when you take your heart monitor off and shower for the first time in 2 days?  No?  Just me?  Ok.

(Ke)  I don't have a heart monitor, but I know what it's like to not shower for 2 days.  Or 3.

(Kr)  I think my record is 5.  Not bragging.  I'm just that impressive.

(Ke)  Yes, the unprecedented showerless stint of '05.  I remember it clearly.

(Kr)  Control yourself!  You're in a jealous rage!

(Ke)  Texts really convey emotion quite clearly.

(Kr)  Get a hold of yourself, woman!!

(Ke)  I'm just not good at restraining myself or choosing things to be jealous about.

Body By Friedkin

(Ke)  Bronx just projectile vomited all over our bed and my back today.  It was very  Exorcism-ish.

(Kr)  You always know just what to say to kill my appetite.  You're like a walking, talking, breastfeeding Dexatrim.

(Ke)  Jenny Craig is expensive.  You're welcome.

Cooper Scooper

(Kr)  Bradley Cooper is single, so you better get a plan together regarding this whole married-with-baby thing.  I'm thinking I tell Joe you joined a cult or you could go with fake abduction.  How ya wanna play this thing?

(Ke)  What?  What happend to the 'Wegger?

(Kr)  Her lips got too pursed and swallowed her face.

(Ke)  It's so sudden.  I'm going to need a moment to think about it . . . ok, I have an apartment rented in West Hollywood under the name Susan Cooper (I had a feeling).  Bradley loves kids so Bronx is good.

(Kr) What about the East coast and Europe?  I've been telling you to run emergency drills, but you seem ill-prepared, to be frank.  Do you want a shot at the title or what?!?

(Ke)  I work best under pressure.  You'll be surprised at what I can do.

(Kr)  You better get it together, kid.  There are a million of you out there just waiting for the chance to get Bradley'd.

(Ke)  Back off!!

(Kr)  Now, that's the kind of fire I like to see.

Soup's On. Like It Or Not

(Ke)  Hungry?

(Kr)  Is that nipple stew?  But it ain't even Christmas.

(Ke)  Every day is a holiday at our house. 

Dress Code

(Kr)  I bought a suit today.  One piece.  Black.  I don't even feel like a grandma.

(Ke)  I was picturing a business suit and couldn't imagine what a one piece would look like or why you would need it, for that matter.

(Kr)  It would be cool if it looked like a business suit.  I could get behind that.

(Ke)  Well, let's get you some business to wear that suit for.

(Kr)  The business of being not entirely freaked out to wear a bathing suit?  Does that count?

(Ke)  That'll do.  I'll be one of your clients.  Just give me a month.

An Invitation To The Potty

(Ke)  Bronx just peed on my chest.

(Kr)  You just entertained me.

(Ke)  It was kinda awesome.  It's a sign of affection.

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny

(Kr)  What doing bikinis?  Hahahahaha.  That was supposed to say noooooooow.

(Ke)  Haha.  That's funny because Joe has said bikini twice today.  Once when he suggested I bring the yard workers lemonade wearing one.  The other one is irrelevant compared to that.

(Kr)  I would pay to see that.  But I'd pay in lemonade so....

(Ke)  It all evens out.  I was hoping you'd pay in iced tea for some delicious Arnold Palmers.

(Kr)  But I like that as a new nickname for you:  Mama Bikinis.

Extreme-ly Rude

(Kr)  What song do you think for Kory and Liz's wedding?

(Ke)  Are we deciding?

(Kr)  She said that and I said suggestions please.  I thought "More Than Words".  We've been working on it for 2 decades.

(Ke)  Yet can't seem to get the harmony.

(Kr)  It's our curse.  And your tone-deafness.

(Ke)  Mean.

Warning: Keep Away From Adults

(Ke)  When flatirons attack.

(Kr)  Looks like you have a permanent earring there.

(Ke)  It doesn't hurt but it sure looks like it should.  I wonder when I'll get the hang of using hot objects near my head.

Git-R-Dumb

(Kr) We should head on over to the History Channel and grab ourselves a show. They must be trying to get rid of them if they gave one to Larry The Cable Guy.

Grand Ol' Oprah

(Ke)  It's day three of conversations Oprah should be having in private.