Cat-astrophe

(Kr)  What's the haps?

(Ke)  Just playing Scrabs.

(Kr)  I'm watching America's Cutest Cat.  And liking it.  What happened to me?  I even have a favorite.

(Ke)  You've become a crazy cat person vicariously through actual crazy cat people.  I would like to know a) what channel and b) what your favorite looks like.

(Kr)  Animal Planet.  You tube tickle cat.

(Ke)  Youtube looks weird when it's not one word.

(Kr)  Oh, I was calling you a tube.  Now we're watching Must Love Cats. 

(Ke)  That's what I thought at first but I couldn't understand what would warrant that.

(Kr)  You've always been kind of a tube.  That's all.

(Ke)  Ah, nuts.  You noticed.  I thought I was hiding my tubeness all these years.

(Kr)  Some say you're tubular.  Those people are dorks.

(Ke)  I'm going to personally bring that word back into the consciousness of America.

You (Cor)Bet(t)!

(Kr)  I'm in love with John Corbett.  Feels good to get that off my chest.

(Ke)  You must feel so relieved.

(Kr)  I'm sure he loves me, too.  Right?

(Ke)  Oh, yeah.  Sure.  If Bo Derek keels over, you're in.

(Kr)  Bo Derek?

(Ke)  If you're going to be in love with John Corbett, you should get to know who his live-in lover is.

(Kr)  That's the whole point.  I don't want to know.  How else will he love me in my mind?  Ok, I looked up pictures of them.  Now it's real.

(Ke)  Why would you do that to yourself?  You were so close to him "loving" you.

It's A Sign

(Ke)  I have noticed that sign spinners are some of the most energetic people I've ever seen.  They're all so excited to be spinning signs, and I believe it.  They really love it.

(Kr)  I agree with one exception:  a middle aged woman who used to do it in front of our old building.  She did not have the gift, sadly.  It looked like every minute was a year for her.

(Ke)  Well, the guy outside a pizza place was rubbing his tummy and giving a thumbs up so he makes up for her.

(Kr)  The Hawaiian BBQ place I'm at has a sign that says "ask for brown rice and catering!".  It's demanding me to do it.  Yelling at me.

(Ke)  Then what are you waiting for?!?

(Kr)  To care, I suppose.

Male Order Pride

 (Ke)  Rock star jammies.




(Kr)  I just got the picture.  It finally went through from last night.

(Ke)  Wow.  That was fast. 

(Kr)   Do you have dial-up on your phone? 

(Ke)  It's something Verizon is trying it out.  Taking it "old school".

(Kr)  Why didn't you just have it sent Pony Express?

(Ke)  Joe doesn't  like me using the competition.

(Kr)  Well, I happen to like the idea of a pony ringing my doorbell and delivering me pictures.  So, that's pretty selfish of Joe.

Laying Cable

(Kr)  A movie called Showtime is on HBO.  How's that for a mindfu#k?

(Ke)  It's too much to process when I'm on the Tylenol PM.

Where's Chris Hansen When You Need Him?

(Ke)  There's a guy lying in the reclined front seat of a van in the parking lot of a children's hospital.  If that doesn't scream sexual predator, I don't know what does.

(Kr)  Subtle.

The Quaid Parade

(Kr)  I'm watching a Dennis Quaid movie where there is this kid who is infatuated with baseball.  I left the room for a minute.  I came back and Dennis Quaid was playing baseball.  I kept waiting for the kid and Dennis to meet and begin their protege/mentor relationship.  Then I realized after half an hour that the little kid was Dennis, just older.  Didn't occur to me that it started off in the 50's and now it's the 80's or 90's.

(Ke)  Sounds like great costuming.

(Kr)  It's just me not being aware of my Dennis Quaid sirroundsibgs.  Or surroundings.

(Ke)  I try not to be aware of too much Dennis Quaid anything.  He really lost me with Legion.


(Kr)  I like my Dennis Quaid accent-free.  Especially after Great Balls of Fire. 


(Ke)  Goodness gracious!

(Kr)  No.

(Ke)  I agree.  Sorry.

Tat For Tit

(Ke)  Good news.  I'm going to nursing on straight boob.  The nipple shield helped train him. 

(Kr)  That IS good.  I love boob news.  I feel like I'm getting jipped, by the way.  Two epidurals for my back, and no baby.  What's your secret?

(Ke)  If you don't know by now,  I can't help you.

(Kr)  Oh, well.  I guess I'll just keep getting needles and cortisone in my back and hopefully my womb will figure it out.

Shake Shame

(Kr)  I bought a Shake Weight.

(Ke)  "Phew, that's it."

(Kr)  Are you quoting a Shake Weight commercial?

(Ke)  You should know the answer to that but please watch it.

(Kr)  I've seen it enough to know not to use it in public.  Or be filmed using it.

(Ke)  Come on.  Just film yourself using it in public.  Just once.  Was this a well thought out purchase or a spontaneous one while at Target?

(Kr)  Not well thought out at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

(Ke)  Are you shake, shake, shaking yourself into shape yet?

(Kr)  Nope.  I'm at Zan Zan Zankou chickening my way into not doing a damn thing.

(Ke)  Just hearing those words makes me feel sick.  I always overdo on the falafel when I go there.

(Kr)  Never been.  Trying the garlic dip.  The Ace of Cakes guy said it was his favorite garlic thing ever on Best Thing I Ever Ate.   He makes cakes so I trust him.  I love cake.

(Ke)  I trust him on cakes.  Garlic sauce?  I'm not convinced.

Fantastique Plastique

(Ke)  The hospital must be concerned with my safety.  They started giving me plastic utensils.

(Kr)  when they only give you plastic spoons you know you're a mess.

Puny-tive

(Kr)  You sassed me, so I put you on a time out.

(Ke)  I didn't notice.

(Kr)  You're a real butthole.

(Ke)  Woah.  Kudos on bringing that back.

(Kr)  Kudos for making me hungry for a Kudos.

(Ke)  They're not like you remember.  They're tiny. You need at least two.  But, now it wouldn't be glutinous.

(Kr)  I always ate two.  Get to know me.

A Taxing Conversation

(Ke)  Jordan Knight is gay?!?

(Kr)  Not Jordan.  Johnathan.

(Ke)  Oh, I was going to say.

(Kr)  You got real sad.  Because you guys were on the road to making out.  Are you even there anyways?

(Ke)  Oh, I'm here.  Joe was making me talk about taxes.

(Kr)  Boooooooring.

(Ke)  Tell me about it.  But don't because it's soooooo boring.

CSI Think This Murder is Hilarious

(Kr)  What are you doing anyways?

(Ke)  Watching 20/20 on WE.  The interviewer is practically laughing.

(Kr)  At whom?

(Ke)  The murderer she's interviewing.  It's super annoying.  "Do you consider yourself to be a murderer?" *smirk

(Kr)  Why is she laughing?  Because he's ridiculously guilty?

(Ke)  There are two convicted murderers:  a brother and sister.  Both in their early 20s.

(Kr)  Kill their dad?

(Ke)  Yes. Have you seen it?

(Kr)  Maybe.  Girl has stringy hair?

(Ke)  Kind of.  Their mom killed herself.  It was their stepdad.

(Kr)  They interview her in prison?  They tied him up or something?

(Ke)  Jesus, you should get paid for this.

(Kr)  I need a life.  Do you know of any openings?

(Ke)  I'm pretty sure this would be a new job.

Subliminal Advertising

(Kr)  Every time I hear a Train song it makes me want to do laundry.

(Ke)  Every time I hear a Train song I am doing laundry, which makes me wonder why I have so much freakin' laundry.

TSA-Okay

(Kr)  Just hangin' with my pillow in the airport bathroom.  So easy to percent and wash my hands.  Pee.  I guess it would be easy to percent, actually.

(Ke)  They say airport bathrooms are some of the cleanest bathrooms.

(Kr)  Who says that?  Blind surveyors?

(Ke)  That was a lie.

(Kr)  I was literally the only person in the check in and scan area of the airport.  I would have been at the gate five minutes ago if I hadn't forgot to pack my liquids and shown the TSA my glasses.  Also, I've had four different conversations with TSA guys that involved laughter.  I might just skip Phoenix and stay here to have a drink with "the guys".

I'm Forever Your Duck

(Ke)  What do you think needs to be done to get Paula Abdul to clap with her fingers closed.

(Kr)  Webbed fingers.

Cordless Connection

(Ke)

(Kr)  Guess his umbilical cord fell off.  Gross.

Priorities

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Just got up and showered.

(Kr)  You're already two steps ahead of me.

(Ke)  What are you doing?  Besides being a slacker?

(Kr)  That's all I have time for.

(Ke)  You could probably squeeze in a nap.  Let's be honest.

(Kr)  There's always room for a nap.  Always.

Made For TV Lifestyle

(Ke)  What doing? 

(Kr)  I'm busy doing stuff.

(Ke)  I'm going to need to know what.

(Kr)  Lifetiming.

(Ke)  What's the title?  Poison Ivy II:  Lily?

(Kr)  Lies He Told. 

(Ke)  Ah.  Gary Cole.  Nice.

(Kr)  You've seen?

(Ke)  I just saw it was on.  I'm not that good.

(Kr)  If Marc and I get married, I'm specifically adding an "I'll never fake my own death and leave you to go start another family" vow.

(Ke)  That's the kind of paranoia that is necessary in every ceremony.

(Kr)  Oh, and "rob a bank to get us out of debt after I lost all of our money".

(Ke)  You promise to or not to?  That's very important.  I support either, really.

(Kr)  I vote for not to.

(Ke)  Boooooooriiiing.  Those bills aren't going to pay themselves.

(Kr)  He can make his money in a respectable way:  dancing for the ladies in a g-string.  Or g-string optional.

(Ke)  Or ladies optional.  I'm just saying he shouldn't limit himself.

(Kr)  Gary Cole had quite the bod.

(Ke)  I think he still may.

(Kr)  Gonna watch Shrek 4.

(Ke)  You do that. 

Just Desserts

(Ke)  They didn't have the Belgian chocolate pudding at Trader Joe's.  I didn't even see a spot for it.  Noooooooooo . . . I had to buy Quadratinis, ice cream, and Joe Joes to console myself.

(Kr)  I buy those on a regular basis.  I'm constantly consoling myself.

(Ke)  It's worth finding something to be consoled over just to be consoled by sweet treats.  When I don't do my hair I look like Jodie Foster.  From Freaky Friday.

(Kr)  Oooooh.  Not great.

Two All-Need Patties

(Kr)  I'm gonna beef your input on something.  Need, not beef.  Stupid phone.

(Ke)  That's my favorite auto-correct.

January 20th 3:02 p.m.

(Kr)  We are at San Tan Brewery.   I'll drink a beer for ya.

(Ke)  That sounds good.  I love the IPA.

(Kr)  I'll choose the beer dammit!!   Kory got the IPA.  Happy?

(Ke)  Never been happier.

(Kr)  Because of the beer, right?

(Ke)  Mostly.   I go night night.

(Ke)  Night, Mimmy.  Mommy.  But Mimmy is cute.

January 20th 5:06 a.m.

Bronx Being Born

January 20th 2:47 a.m.

(Ke)  8 cm.

(Kr)  Oy!  Should I get ready?

(Ke)  Probably a couple hours still.  It's so hard to say, but I would guess I'll be starting to push around 4:30.

(Kr)  Ok, should I be there then?

(Ke)  I would say between that and 5.  The doctor will probably be here soon, so I should know more  I have slept for about 1/2 an hour.  I can't move my right leg, which is normal but terrifying.  I feel like he's trying to come out my butt.

(Kr)  Don't be scared.  You're in good hands.  I'm leaving here in about 45.

(Ke)  Are you going to shower?  I wish I could.

(Kr) Going to wash my face, pits, and bangs.

January 20th 2:11 a.m.

(Ke)  Sorry to wake you, but I was 7 cm.  at 1:30.  I would expect him to come before sunrise.  Get some more sleep and I'll keep you posted.

(Kr)  Oh, wow!  Ok. Napping.  I will absolutely look and smell terrible when I get there.  Mostly my teef.  Love you.