Sc(n)ave(l)nger Hunt

(Ke)  I just took a long, hard look at my belly button.  I won't do that again.

(Kr)  What'd ya find?

(Ke)  I found that I'm grossed out by looking at my stretched belly button.

(Kr)  You didn't find lint or change or old ham or anything?

(Ke)  Nothing.  Total rip off.

Urine Big Trouble

(Ke)  We went to breakfast and when we came home I noticed a few pee spots on the carpet near the shelf.  Upon further inspection I realized that Mom and Dad's dog had lifted his leg on the picture of us when we were little.  I guess he hates it.

(Kr)  Jerkface.  The first time I tried to type jerkface it auto-corrected to heritage.  Very apropo.

Thug Lifesaver

(Kr)  Marc thinks he may be getting the flu.

(Ke)  Oh no.  Is Christmas doomed?

(Kr)  I hope not.  I'm getting my Z Pac filled tomorrow.  This is not happening to The Kreets.  *finger snap*

(Ke)  I read this as 2 Pac.  That would be awesome to get that filled.

(Kr)  "How do ya want it?  How do you feel?".  Very fitting lyrics.

Row, Row, Row Your House

(Kr)  If my building floats away with all this rain, will our renter's insurance cover that?

(Ke)  Nope.  You have to get apartment floating away insurance.

(Kr)  I won't be mad if we float to Hawaii.

(Ke)  Mai Tais for Christmas.

(Kr)  My Tais, your tais, everyone's tais.  But if we land in Florida I'ma be mad.

(Ke)  That would be a long float.

(Kr)  Drive down to Texas.  We'll pick you up on our way.  That might be bad geography, but in a world where apartment buildings float, nobody will call me out on it.

(Ke)  You pulled out a map, didn't you?

(Kr)  I did not, but your accusing me of pulling out a map make me think I'm right.

(Ke)  Don't ask me.  I suck at geography and figured you did, too.

A (S)mug Of Hot Cocoa or Jealousy Is A Drink Best Served Hot And Chocolatey

(Ke)  This is not an ad for Trader Joe's but I'm just trying to show you how simple it is to make hot chocolate at home.

(Ke)  Voila!  Christmas mug sold separately.

(Kr) It's also simple to say "medium hot chocolate, please". 

(Ke)  Don't you mean grande?  All I'm saying is you're there dreaming about it and I'm here living it. 

(Kr)  A small part of me is jealous.  But the bigger part remembers I have dark chocolate peanut butter cups in my fridge. 

(Ke)  A small part?  Ok, I'm gonna be real honest and tell you that I didn't get it mixed well enough and the bottom was sludgy, rendering the last 1/16 undrinkable.  But up until that point I was quite satisfied with my tasty homemade treat. 

(Kr)  I feel vindicated. 

(Ke)  That was operator error and a rookie mistake but that doesn't take away from the deliciousness of it as a whole.  

Merlotivated

(Kr)  It's ok to go to the gym with red wine stains on your lips from the night before, right?

(Ke)  Everyone will be really impressed with your ambition but disgusted with your obvious lack of hygiene.

(Kr)  I only care about the impressed part.  As long as something is half impressive I'm cool with that.

(Ke)  Consider yourself a success...kind of.

Picture Imperfect

(Ke)  Monday:  court.  Tuesday:  social security office.  Today:  DMV.  Please don't envy me.  There is a woman sitting next to me who is talking to the guy across from her.  It seems like they are divorced and she just keeps talking at him.  He could not be more disinterested, which makes two of us, but it doesn't remotely bother her.  She will talk to him about anything:  making grilled cheese, the fact that she drinks tea now instead of coffee.  She's talking to him like he's her best friend and he just shakes his head.  I wish I could take a video.  This dynamic is something to behold.  He could tell  her to fuck off and she would just tell him what movie she watched last night.  Nothing upsets or offends her.  Now the kid on the other side of me is singing Yiddish songs at an inappropriate volume.

(Kr)  What?!  I do envy you.  On a different note, Vanessa Hudgens is pretty, but all I can think about is diapers when I see her.  Hudgens reminds me of Huggies which leads me to diapers.  Vanessa Diapers.

(Ke)  On a related note, Zac Efron is single.

(Kr)  On a semi-related note, I'm hungry.  Zac Efron is yummy and I like yummy things, which reminded me I'm hungry.  Bam!  Semi-related.   On another semi-related note, I dislike using the word yummy to describe people.  I'm ashamed.  I wish I could eat my shame.  I'd be super duper full.

(Ke)  Well, I'll let it slide although I'm pretty ashamed, too.  Back to the original topic, I am not excited that I had to get a new picture for my driver license.

(Kr)  Because you're fat...I mean, pregnant?  Wink, wink Martindale.

(Ke)  Did not do my hair.  No makeup.  Not cool.

(Kr)  You've had many years of unreasonably pretty ID pictures.  Time to join the rest of us.  Pull it together, Kirby.

(Ke)  Oh, well.  It'll expire in 39 years.

(Kr)  39 years?

(Ke)  Sorry, 29.

(Kr)  Oh, tooooooootally different.  You won't even be able to drive then.  Or see.  Or walk.  Or eat on your own.  I just depressed myself when I remembered we were twins.

(Ke)  The age joke backfire.

(Kr)  We'll still be rockin' that clutch, or something cool like that that only cool people would say.

(Ke)  I don't get the new picture requirement.  I'm not a different person than I was a year ago.  "I'm sorry, this picture doesn't accurately represent you since you changed your name."

(Kr)  That is obnoxious.  Did you arm wrestle the DMV clerk?  That usually works.