Waffle Waffling

(Kr)  Day 4 Of Back Injury Recovery. Status Report: Woke up. Had toaster waffle. Took Vicodin-induced nap. Woke up. Had two more waffles. Excitedly learned box is 8, not 6, waffles. Watched 5 and 1/2 episodes of Will & Grace. Thinking about next waffle. Monday ruled.
Suck it, Garfield.

(Ke)  Craving waffles I don't have at 2 am has thrown me into a jealous rage I'm not proud of.

(Kr)  My butter intake over the last 24 hours has got to be record shattering. I won't be seeing the outside world for a few days.  I'll sleep off the newly acquired fat.  Lego my ego, homie. Ya know?

(Ke)  Seems like a solid use of recovery time. How much until you're up and back to civilian life?

(Kr) Few more days.

(Ke)  So it's the spinal countdown, I guess.

(Kr)  Oh, boy. Goodbye.

The Opposite Sex

(Kr)  Add James Spader to the list of men turning into chubby middle-aged women.

(Ke)  Also on the roster: John Travolta, Val Kilmer, and, ironically, Chaz Bono. 

(Kr)  William Shatner, Tony Curtis. 

  

(Ke)  They are the grandmothers of this motley crue. 

(Kr)  Speaking of, Vince Neil.

(Ke)  Warren Beatty. Was sad to see that turn of events. 

(Kr)  New category: Skinny Middle-aged women: Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger.

(Ke)  New sub-category: Men Who Used To Be Chubby But Now Look Scary Skinny Middle-aged Women: Tom Arnold. 

(Kr)  Whatever category this would fall under:

(Ke)  Chevy Chase

(Kr)  Bill Clinton was getting there but did a serious about-face. 

(Ke)  Jay Leno

(Kr)  Star Jones

(Ke)  Dang!

(Kr)  Tom Jones

(Ke)  If we're doing a Vegas category: Wayne Newton, David Copperfield, Carrot Top!

(Kr)  Elton John, but I'm pretty sure that's intentional.

(Ke)  Tom Cruise is on my wish list. 

(Kr)  I don't know where Mickey Rourke falls but it ain't good. 

Never Trust A Big Tongue And A Smile

(Kr)

A) I'm frightened to know what a Shaq Soda tastes like.

B) These Mountain Dew cans are as long as my forearm. 

(Ke)  A) It's Soda Shaq. Get it right. B) I think we both know it tastes like ball sweat. Not by accident. 

(Kr)  Ew

(Ke)  Now available in assorted ball sweat creme flavors! 

(Kr)  Barf

(Ke)  Thats a new flavor being tested. Won't be on the market until the holidays. Predicted to be huge with fraternities. 

Total Whine

(Ke) Nothing like your baby crying while at Total Wine, with a cart full of meticulously chosen alcohol, to make your reevaluate your priorities.  

(Kr)  Dilemma. But:  Wine gets better with age; do kids?  

(Ke)  The cashier eyeballed me pretty hard while telling me I didn't look old enough. Now I think she meant to be responsible for other human beings.

Fromage Camouflage

(Kr)

I want to expect the expected in my cheese blend, yo. I've come to rely on you for your consistency, cheddar!

(Ke)  But the prepositions are italicized! Close your eyes and let the adventure begin. How wrong can it possibly go?

Acrobad

(Kr)  I'm absolutely confident the only thing standing between me and a successful Cirque de Soleil career is my inability to do an unassisted pull-up . . . or assisted. Semantics. 

(Ke)  True. Your paralyzing fear of heights and lower back pain of an arthritic 90 year old aren't holding you back at all.

(Kr)  Rude. Accurate, but rude. 

(Ke)  You just like to keep things relatively sea level is all I'm saying. 

(Kr)  And I have yet to break my face. So there. 

(Ke)  Have you? I've seen some pretty nasty run-ins with furniture. 

(Kr)  Again. Rude. That furniture blind-sided me!

Feminine Lowgiene

(Kr)  It's a bad moment when you realize that smell is most like the yeast infection of the woman sitting next to you. 

(Ke)  Oh, man! Right when I took a bite of my sandwich?!

(Kr)  Sure, take my trauma and make it about your lunch. 

(Ke)  You can walk away. I can never eat bread again.