Identification Violation

(Kr)  The guy at Trader Joe's told me I looked better in my license picture. Which is so ironic, because I was just about to not ask his f***ing opinion. 

(Ke)  Did you tell him in 2 seconds he will look more slapped than he does now? And that his job is to tell you how much he looooves the Greek yogurt you bought, not be a rude a hole?

(Kr)  He covered with a "You look good now, too. I just like long hair."  He's got the back-handed compliment thing down to a science. First-grade science. 

(Ke)  It was more front-handed insult. 

Inconceivable Pain

(Kr)  I just hit my ankle so hard on the bed, it made my ovaries scream. 

(Ke)  Just imagine if you would have hit your ovaries. 

(Kr)  I can barely walk. I'll never get pregnant now. 

(Ke)  I think we need to have a talk. Walking doesn't play a huge role in getting pregnant. 

(Kr)  Don't question my methods.

(Ke)  You're on track with the swollen ankles, though. 

A Complex Complex

(Ke)  Bronx just walked in while I was pumping and said, "I want to put those on my 'boobles'". So I did what any amazing mother would do and milked my son. 

(Kr)  That's a story for Bronx's wedding toast if I've ever heard one. 

(Ke)  That might bring back subconscious feelings of resentment toward me. It's better that I sabotage him ever getting married. 

(Kr)  I didn't say you'd be at the wedding.

(Ke)  Oh I guess you're going to be toastmaster at my son's imaginary wedding.

(Kr)  I've been asked to not divulge any information to you concerning the event. 

(Ke)  Wow, he's better at using the phone than I thought. 

Give Me All Your Dough

(Ke)  Oroweat, stop pretending your freshness is being maintained by this plastic fortress rather than a gazillion preservatives and let me the hell in! I want a sandwich!

(Kr)  They are the moat and castle of the bread world.  

(Ke)  Is it trying to keep itself in or me out? You're bread! You're not doing yourself any favors by micromanaging my carb intake!

(Kr)  Well, it's accomplishing not being eaten. Which is what I'd do if I were bread. 

(Ke) I'm going to commission them to put a security system in my house.  

A Whole Latte Of Crappuccino

(Ke)  Just got the kids to sleep. Celebrating the moments of my life with a cup of General Foods International Coffee. 

(Kr)  Ahhhh, hands on either side of the cup. Gently blowing the steam. Enjoying that mediocre flavor. 

(Ke)  I'm all

but if you were here we'd be all

(Kr)  I'd be leaning on you because I need your assistance enjoying the moments of my life. 

(Ke)  It's actually because you're about to puke after drinking this

(Kr)  Orange should never be the flavor of anything other than an orange. 

(Ke)  And now you're not invited to drink coffee drinks from 1988, smile and get food poisoning with me anymore. 

(Kr)  Fine. I won't invite you over for grape lattes. 

(Ke)  Fine!  Great, now I'm craving a grape latte! You're the worse coffee companion ever!

Bar Fly

(Ke)

He's going to feel this in the morning. Luckily he won't remember what happened. I wish I could say the same, but the bastard contaminated my only possibility of that.

(Kr)  Gettin' his buzzzzzz on.
My apologies.

Barefoot In The Parking Lot

(Ke) Target picked the wrong day to be so efficient with its cart corralling and I picked the wrong day not to put shoes on Bronx.

(Kr) I thought the story of Target having cart people was a mythical legend told by people lying about finding a cart in the actual store. And why are you Oliver Twist-ing Bronx?

(Ke) If he's going to live in Arizona he needs to toughen up his feet. If walking on hot concrete carrying his sister in her carseat to get a cart while I wait in the air conditioned car doesn't work, I don't know what will.