Autobiopicography

(Kr)  Toward the top of my hike, I was faced with a dilemma:  reach the water tower or not pee my pants.

(Ke)  Just pee behind the water tower.

(Kr)  You'll have to read my memoirs to find out what happened.

(Ke)  I don't read.  Will it be a movie?

(Kr)  It may be, but a Lifetime movie.

(Ke)  Is there any other kind?

(Kr)  Not that I'm aware of.  And not that I care about.  I'm hoping Heather Locklear will play me.  If she keeps hacking at her face, that is.

(Ke)  Ah, yes, the Lock-ness Monster.

(Kr)  You just named her memoirs.  She'd better thank you in the forward.

(Ke)  And in the backward.

Sears-iously Extreme

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Anne just left.  Watching Glee.

(Ke)  So you're sauced up.

(Kr)  Maybe.

(Ke)  How very Sears portrait of you.

(Kr)  It's like a tiny, tiny Sears in here.

(Ke)  Marc's like your very own Ty Pennington.

(Kr)  Great!  Now I can't look at him.

(Ke)  Can you imagine having your very own Ty Pennington?  It would be so intense all the time!

(Kr)  It's giving me a panic attack.

(Ke)  Ok. I'll stop for a quick 8 hour nap.  Love you.

(Kr)  Eight hour?  Rookie.

(Ke)  It'll be followed by a 2 hour post-nap nap.

(Kr)  Thata girl.

Hollow(een) Gut

(Ke)  We just bought a shitload of candy.  Guess how many trick or treaters we'll get tonight.

(Kr)  5 zillion

(Ke)  I feel like you're not taking this seriously.

(Kr)  Ok.  3?

(Ke)  I'll let you know.  The night is still young...or it's over and we had zero.

(Kr)  Start binging.

(Ke)  I will as soon as I find out what that is.

(Kr)  Binging?  Shove your face full o' Kit Kat.

(Ke)  Hahahaha.  I was reading it bing-ing.  Oh boy.  I'm a binger from waaaaay back.  I've already had 3 pieces.  Don't think I chose candy I wouldn't want for leftovers.  Already had 3, by the way: Darth Vader, a princess, and what appeared to be a pile of garbage.

(Kr)  I thought I was getting a post-trick or treaters shot.

(Ke)  Oh, we ain't eeeeeeeven done yet.

(Kr)  I need to see Joe's hand next to the bowl to get an accurate read.

(Ke)  I'll send one.  I'm so tired of not being able to breathe through my nose I'm going to strangle someone then use an ax to chop off all his extremities.  That's allowed on Halloween, right?

(Kr)  It's encouraged.

(Ke)  My nose is literally bleeding it's so dry.  Very scary.

(Kr)  Geesh.

(Ke)  My costume is bloody nose girl.  I'm not going to win any contests but it's unique and authentic.

(Kr)  We just made tacos and fried our own tortillas.  We are going to win contests.  In your face!!!

(Ke)  Please don't make my face feel worse.

(Kr)  If my awesome tacos hurt your face, that's on you.

(Ke)  I think it's come to an end.  We had about 20 or 22.

(Kr)  Now just shut the lights off and eat your way to a candy coma.

(Ke)  If you insist.

(Kr)  I'm in a taco-ma.

(Ke)  I've had a lot of Milky Ways.  I'm feeling pretty spacey......no good?

(Kr)  Ba dum bum.

Get Out Of My Face-Book!

(Kr)  When people start Facebook posts with "let's see how many of you are paying attention", I immediately tune out.  And it's usually followed by some question about them.  Pay attention!  Tell me about me!!

(Ke)  I also hate the ones that say "90% of you won't be brave enough to repost this" and it's about how they are strong women aka bitches.  I don't need to be guilted into telling people that.  They can figure it out in their own time.

Gore-geous

(Kr)  What doing?

(Ke)  Just got home from happy hour.  What you doing?

(Kr)  Oh, just painting my nails purple over a layer of black.  Out of nail polish remover.  It's high class over here.

(Ke)  I will need a picture of that.  Have you had a few vinos?

(Kr)  Just a few.  It looks amazing-ish.  Take my word for it.

(Ke)  I can't do that.

(Kr)

Every picture I take makes my hand look creepy.

(Ke)  Well, you have a case of creepy hand.  Don't be ashamed.

(Kr)  It's going to murder your face...but look faaaaaabulous doing it.

(Ke)  You should make a Halloween costume around that hand.

(Kr)  Purple Pie Man.  Or Prince.

(Ke)  Purple Pie Prince.  Or Purple Prince Man.

(Kr)  Or creepy purple nail lady with no polish remover.  That's frightening.

(Ke)  I just got chills.  Thanks in advance for the nightmares.

(Kr)  I always pre-order my night terrors.  I have an iPhone app for it.  I may just amputate my hands in lieu of getting polish remover.  We have knives here.  Don't have to go to the store.

(Ke)  Don't get drastic.  Do you have pliers?  Just pull those suckers out.

(Kr)  Genius!!

(Ke)  I could talk about your nails and laziness all night but beddie bye is calling.

(Kr)  I heard that, homegirl.  Sorry about that.

(Ke)  I'm pretty forgiving but I do not accept.....ok, I reconsidered.

(Kr)  You're swell, Beave.

(Ke)  Keep digging.  Love you.

(Kr)  Love you.

Mon-dane, Mon-dane

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  Works.  You?

(Ke)  Paying bills and picking out paint colors.

(Kr)  Are you trying to out-bore me?

(Ke)  How did you know?

(Kr)  It was the bill paying that tipped me off.

(Ke)  Ah, pretty obvious on my part.

Sirius-ly Relaxing

(Kr)  I'm at a house right now where the spa channel is on.  The song playing right now is titled "Bathroom Spirit".

(Ke)  I'd like to think it spontaneously created itself, but someone actually wrote that.