Give Me All Your Dough

(Ke)  Oroweat, stop pretending your freshness is being maintained by this plastic fortress rather than a gazillion preservatives and let me the hell in! I want a sandwich!

(Kr)  They are the moat and castle of the bread world.  

(Ke)  Is it trying to keep itself in or me out? You're bread! You're not doing yourself any favors by micromanaging my carb intake!

(Kr)  Well, it's accomplishing not being eaten. Which is what I'd do if I were bread. 

(Ke) I'm going to commission them to put a security system in my house.  

A Whole Latte Of Crappuccino

(Ke)  Just got the kids to sleep. Celebrating the moments of my life with a cup of General Foods International Coffee. 

(Kr)  Ahhhh, hands on either side of the cup. Gently blowing the steam. Enjoying that mediocre flavor. 

(Ke)  I'm all

but if you were here we'd be all

(Kr)  I'd be leaning on you because I need your assistance enjoying the moments of my life. 

(Ke)  It's actually because you're about to puke after drinking this

(Kr)  Orange should never be the flavor of anything other than an orange. 

(Ke)  And now you're not invited to drink coffee drinks from 1988, smile and get food poisoning with me anymore. 

(Kr)  Fine. I won't invite you over for grape lattes. 

(Ke)  Fine!  Great, now I'm craving a grape latte! You're the worse coffee companion ever!

Bar Fly

(Ke)

He's going to feel this in the morning. Luckily he won't remember what happened. I wish I could say the same, but the bastard contaminated my only possibility of that.

(Kr)  Gettin' his buzzzzzz on.
My apologies.

Barefoot In The Parking Lot

(Ke) Target picked the wrong day to be so efficient with its cart corralling and I picked the wrong day not to put shoes on Bronx.

(Kr) I thought the story of Target having cart people was a mythical legend told by people lying about finding a cart in the actual store. And why are you Oliver Twist-ing Bronx?

(Ke) If he's going to live in Arizona he needs to toughen up his feet. If walking on hot concrete carrying his sister in her carseat to get a cart while I wait in the air conditioned car doesn't work, I don't know what will.

Techmexicolor Yawn

(Ke) I think there must be more onomatopoeic synonyms for throwing up than for any other word: barf, vomit, hurl, spew. And with that I bid you good night.

(Kr) That's beautiful. On that note, no matter the time of day there will always be somebody behind you in the Taco Bell drive-thru

(Ke) This initially seemed off topic but Taco Bell, and most items on the menu, are pretty synonymous with throwing up.

Cavity Search

(Ke) Irony (n): falling asleep with a cough drop in one's mouth, thereby burning a hole in one's throat, resulting in the most painful sore throat imaginable.

(Kr) Look on the bright side, I just had a dream you were going to get a perio-pregnancy test. Whatever that is, sounds uncomfortable. Like they'd be drilling from your bicuspids to your uterus.

(Ke) Why am I getting tests in your dream? Have your own uncomfortable made up dream tests! And I don't think you understand the concept of "bright side".

(Kr) I go back to nightnight now.

(Ke) I'm glad you can sleep. Thanks for the inevitable insomnia and ensuring I'll never visit the dentist or OGBYN again.

Jersey Bore

(Kr) Dear MTV, Stop giving the Jersey Shore cast spin-off shows.
Dear Me, Stop being aware of what MTV is doing.

(Ke) You should definitely be ashamed but as long as you don't know the schedules of VH1 or, god forbid, E!, you can still hold your head high-ish.