Fromage Camouflage

(Kr)

I want to expect the expected in my cheese blend, yo. I've come to rely on you for your consistency, cheddar!

(Ke)  But the prepositions are italicized! Close your eyes and let the adventure begin. How wrong can it possibly go?

Acrobad

(Kr)  I'm absolutely confident the only thing standing between me and a successful Cirque de Soleil career is my inability to do an unassisted pull-up . . . or assisted. Semantics. 

(Ke)  True. Your paralyzing fear of heights and lower back pain of an arthritic 90 year old aren't holding you back at all.

(Kr)  Rude. Accurate, but rude. 

(Ke)  You just like to keep things relatively sea level is all I'm saying. 

(Kr)  And I have yet to break my face. So there. 

(Ke)  Have you? I've seen some pretty nasty run-ins with furniture. 

(Kr)  Again. Rude. That furniture blind-sided me!

Feminine Lowgiene

(Kr)  It's a bad moment when you realize that smell is most like the yeast infection of the woman sitting next to you. 

(Ke)  Oh, man! Right when I took a bite of my sandwich?!

(Kr)  Sure, take my trauma and make it about your lunch. 

(Ke)  You can walk away. I can never eat bread again. 

Sneezings Greetings

(Kr)  Walking to work.  Pep in my step.  Sneezed.  Walked by a guy and smiled; said hi as people do.  Happened to look down after the fact. Snot all over my shirt.  

(Ke)  Stop trying to entice men already. You're married!

(Kr)  The shirt is black, too. For optimal snot-showage.  Feeling pretty great about Friday. 

Del Taco Bell

(Kr)  Del Taco's new tag line is "Unfreshing Believable."  So nobody, not one person involved in that campaign, thought that resembled: "Del Taco.  Not Fresh."?

(Ke)  Subtle truth in advertising. I prefer "Unfucking Befreshable" myself but what do I know?

(Kr)  There should be job loss at the other end of this.

Look at Taco Bell. Not even feigning nutrition. I appreciate that.  

(Ke)  That's not "wake up at 6 AM and attack the day" Dew, that's "stay up until 4 AM smoking pot and playing vids then run to Taco Bell for an AM Crunchwrap" Dew.

(Kr)  "How can we make Mountain Dew even more terrible?  Add orange juice!"  Kudos, T.B.   

Stop Collaborate Don't Listen

(Kr)  This country/rap combo needs to pull a serious cease and desist.  It's a musical felony.

(Ke)  I blame Nelly. He has a country rap sheet a mile long.

(Kr)  My ears are filing a restraining order. They feel so violated. It's assault and battery in the key of terrible.

Coffee Costastrophe

(Ke)  I have been charged the following prices for the SAME drink at the SAME Starbucks over the past few months: $3.98, 3.15, 4.09, 3.44, 3.51. Get you pricing shit together, Starbucks! 

(Kr)  Maybe the Star is actually an asterisk. 

*prices may vary for no explicable reason. If you ask us about it, we'll charge you more bucks. 

(Ke)  They're punishing me for drinking hot chocolate in the summer. It's delicious. I make no apologies!