Fear From Within

(Kr)  I'm about to tell you a true story.  It happened to me, so I know.

(Ke)  Ok, I'm ready.

(Kr)  I was sitting on the couch, not even 10 minutes ago, when I could smell death.  Death, I say!  It was deep and foul and heart-stopping.  Like the devil himself had just waved his pitchfork under my nose.   I thought, "Is this a premonition?  A sign?  Where do I run?  How can I escape this terrifying scent of torture?"

(Ke)  Hold on.  I think I need more chocolate for this.

(Kr)  Yes, child.  Nourish thyself.

(Ke)  I'm ready.

(Kr)  Please hold a moment.

(Ke)  What?  I'm on the edge of everything over here!

(Kr)  Had to refill my wine.  Where was I?  Oh, yes.  I began to question what I had done in this life to deserve such a cruel experience.  I began to fear my mortality and look back upon my existence.

(Ke)  Oh, boy . . .

(Kr)  Silence!  As I tried to control the sobs and screams I could feel emerging just below my soul, I raised my hand to cover my mouth, and realized . . .'twas thine own breath.   Soooooo my bad, sister girl.

(Ke)  I ate an awful lot of chocolate in anticipation of the finale.  Lucky for you I'm too tired to be disappointed.  Oh, and gross.

(Kr)  I've been home all day.  It's my best story.

Fashion Passion

(Kr)  I just read the following sentence in a magazine: "We found the most achingly gorgeous muted pastels."  I'm pretty sure I've now read every sentence ever written.

(Ke)  Was it Men's Health?

(Kr)  That would be the gorgeously muted cherry on top of an achingly pastel cake.

I Believe It Was Paul Who Said

(Kr)  So, this . . .



(Ke)  Dang!  Jesus told you.

Bitter Chocolate

(Ke)

(Kr)  Oh no.  Why'd you tell me about that?

(Ke)  Just to make sure you are aware of what's about to happen.

(Kr)  But now I know they exist.  And that I can shove one in my face in one bite.

(Ke)  You do have to bake them first.  Does that deter you?

(Kr)  I thought it said ready to bite.  This changes everything.

(Ke)  They do sell ready to bite brownies, too.  You can even chew and swallow them immediately.

(Kr)  What did I just say about telling me that stuff?!

(Ke)  I figured it was common knowledge.  You do have to go there and get them.  Does this change things?

(Kr)  Again, yes.

Disney Digestion

(Ke)  What doing?

(Kr)  At work.  My stomach growling is offensively audible.  It sounds like the Haunted Mansion ride in there.

(Ke)  Fun!

(Kr)  Not if you're the mango and almonds making your way through my digestive tract.  I hear them screaming.

Hair A Parent

(Ke)  Stupid baby hairs are giving me a cowlick.

(Kr)  Put them up for adoption.  I'm sure there's somebody out there who would love to nurture your baby hairs to their full potential.  You thought long and hard before you got into this relationship with this haircut.  Now you have beautiful baby hairs.  Baby hairs you knew would be a result of that union.  And now you resent them.

(Ke)  But, I only cut it that one time.

(Kr)  You're not a teenager!  You made your choice.  Your hair didn't fall on those scissors.  I think the most insulting thing is that not everyone is capable of having that haircut.  They just don't have the hair for it.  They pay good money to professionals who say they will do their best, only to find it's just not possible.

(Ke)  I've made my bed.  I take full responsibility.

(Kr) That's the mature thing to do.  They'll grow and you'll regret ever feeling this way.

Baby Fat

(Kr)  Just overheard at lunch, "you will gain 100 pounds and you will not have 100 pound baby."  Non-sarcastically, by the way.

(Ke)  People are so ridiculous.  Even the biggest idiot knows babies only way half of what you gain so in this case 50.  That's an average size baby.