Never Trust A Big Tongue And A Smile

(Kr)

A) I'm frightened to know what a Shaq Soda tastes like.

B) These Mountain Dew cans are as long as my forearm. 

(Ke)  A) It's Soda Shaq. Get it right. B) I think we both know it tastes like ball sweat. Not by accident. 

(Kr)  Ew

(Ke)  Now available in assorted ball sweat creme flavors! 

(Kr)  Barf

(Ke)  Thats a new flavor being tested. Won't be on the market until the holidays. Predicted to be huge with fraternities. 

Total Whine

(Ke) Nothing like your baby crying while at Total Wine, with a cart full of meticulously chosen alcohol, to make your reevaluate your priorities.  

(Kr)  Dilemma. But:  Wine gets better with age; do kids?  

(Ke)  The cashier eyeballed me pretty hard while telling me I didn't look old enough. Now I think she meant to be responsible for other human beings.

Fromage Camouflage

(Kr)

I want to expect the expected in my cheese blend, yo. I've come to rely on you for your consistency, cheddar!

(Ke)  But the prepositions are italicized! Close your eyes and let the adventure begin. How wrong can it possibly go?

Acrobad

(Kr)  I'm absolutely confident the only thing standing between me and a successful Cirque de Soleil career is my inability to do an unassisted pull-up . . . or assisted. Semantics. 

(Ke)  True. Your paralyzing fear of heights and lower back pain of an arthritic 90 year old aren't holding you back at all.

(Kr)  Rude. Accurate, but rude. 

(Ke)  You just like to keep things relatively sea level is all I'm saying. 

(Kr)  And I have yet to break my face. So there. 

(Ke)  Have you? I've seen some pretty nasty run-ins with furniture. 

(Kr)  Again. Rude. That furniture blind-sided me!

Feminine Lowgiene

(Kr)  It's a bad moment when you realize that smell is most like the yeast infection of the woman sitting next to you. 

(Ke)  Oh, man! Right when I took a bite of my sandwich?!

(Kr)  Sure, take my trauma and make it about your lunch. 

(Ke)  You can walk away. I can never eat bread again.